On a rainy day by the sea, my beautiful Anthony was laid to rest. Work, motherhood and heartache kept me from wanting to be there in person. I spoke to his mother in the dark hours of the morning yesterday when she forgot the time difference, wanted to call and tell me how much she wished I were there and to remind me how much he loved me. It’s the hardest thing to reconcile for both of us, so we ended up expressing our love for each other and crying over the mutual wish that things were different.

I hung up with her and cried for a few hours. The physicality of burial is so final and hits me freshly in missing him so much.

Into the ground with him, goes his laugh… a noise I can hardly bear living without already.

Into that box… goes my best man. A sight I just can’t see.

I was awake all night last night writing his eulogy and decided that it was most important to share something sweet of him, since everyone loved him so much for being funny.

He spent the night a few weeks ago and we got ugly drunk on dirty Bombay sapphire martinis. He brought the giant bottle, thinking it was funny.

We nearly died.

I’ve had some bad hangovers, but honest to goodness, I nearly went to the hospital for an IV of potassium. It would have been worth the $1,000.

We’d left the Dumpling with Grandma for the night’s shenanigans and had to go pick her up. All buckled in the back seat, side by side…  they started singing their favorite song together. He knows it hits a nerve and she LOVES it.

Out of nowhere, the Dumpling threw up. I don’t know why but that’s kids for ya. He started screaming at me to pull over as I was laughing uncontrollably. I pulled over and he leapt out. The Dumpling was laughing at him too and we got it all cleaned up and taken care of. We drove home with every window down, and him hanging out the side of the car and glaring at me.

A- You did this again, on purpose? (referencing having a third child)

The Dumpling hugs him and he melts.

Q- I’m sorry I puked in the car, Uncle A. You were so funny I feel better.

A- Oh Lil Mama, Uncle A pukes, too. Just not in the car.

He walks straight to the kitchen and shakes two martinis. He walks around the corner and catches me checking my phone.

A- Babbbbbyyyyyy. Stop torturing yourself. Send him a message if you want to. Don’t agonize and wait. We’re dumb creatures.

J- I can’t.

A- Awww. Ok.

He holds my phone up to my face, unlocks it and sends a text message to THAT guy.

J- I could kill you right now.

A- Can’t win if you don’t play.

J- You need a new line.

My phone starts shouting “YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY”

A- Really? I know that’s him. Give me that phone.

J- Never.

I read it, it’s disappointing and the clouds roll in. I look up and he looks incredibly regretful.

A- Shit. I’m sorry. Let’s watch a movie and cuddle. I fucked up. Don’t cry.

I’m crying and he’s walking in circles around me. We are stupid hungover and I need a nap. He’s made things worse and he knows it. I’m still crying. He bends over, scoops me up and carries me to my bed. He tucks me in, turns on my football game and climbs in next to me, wrapping me up in his arms. Frustrated and tired with a side of MASSIVE hangover, I bawled.

A- I’m an asshole, I shouldn’t have gotten involved. I’m sorry. I want you to have what you really want for once. I think he’s just afraid and you are too. I want you to stop accepting what you’re offered and ask for what you want!

J- I know you do.

I fell asleep to the sounds of them playing Pretty, Pretty Princess. I woke up to the smell of pizza, him still in his jewel earrings from the game and her telling me jokes in a Cinderella dress.

D- Uncle A bought PIZZA and SODA and ICE CREAM and MINECRAFT!!!!!

He threw his head back in the pink plastic crown and smiled at me smugly in the midst of the worst hangover we’ve ever had, having played games, ordered dinner, dessert and dreams come true, while I slept.

and I cried…. because I felt so loved.

He was the best gay husband ever.

Comedy was his life but love was his language. To be loved by Anthony was to know in your bones that you deserve far more than you could ever imagine. To be adored by him raised my standards and to be his best friend was one of the greatest honors of my lifetime.

I worked a miracle yesterday and there is HUGE change coming in two weeks. All the hard work I’ve put in, is finally coming full circle and I credit Anthony for lighting a fire under me.

I’m going to make him ridiculously proud, and forever remember him in that pink crown.

One thought on “Change

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