I’ve wasted a year of my life pretending to be a sad little puddle. I’m all for optimism, but this is where being stubborn to a fault bites me in the ass. Regardless of the mixed signals he drowns me in, I should have loved myself enough to walk away from the pain of it all… a LONG time ago.
The sight of him pains me and touching him is a harder habit to break than smoking. He smells like crack-laced satisfaction and his smile decimates me. I can’t quit him.
Loving him is debilitating. Nevermind the self-loathing his situational interest has inspired.
I love him beyond reason. Literally.
I’ve set boundaries and he steamrolls through them. I’ve asked the hard questions and am still left shaking my head and wondering why. Or why not, to be perfectly honest.
A year spent hoping… waiting… and fucking miserably sad.
Something really shifts when you lose someone significant in your life. I feel like I’m walking around with a chest wound that’s bleeding out while I apologize for the mess I’m making. I feel like a fool for apologizing to him for loving him. He’s the reason I do and the reason I haven’t been able to let go.
I’ve been hoping it was because he liked me but I think it’s more a matter of ego and convenience. That’s not what I want to think… but it’s pretty black and white and I’m learning to face the truth more than daydream.
My Tinder is full of beautiful, available men. I could invite any one of them over for a playdate and I guarantee I’d have 100% success. The problem is, I don’t want to invite anyone to my circus. I’ve learned the best lesson in all this because I’ve learned that pacifying myself with someone else’s interest will never make it better or easier. I value my effect on people.
Some hurricanes hit hard and though a tropical storm can be scary and inconvenient, you do know that the sun will come out on the other side.
I’m knee deep and walking slowly. Crying too much and feeling everything a little too harshly. Breathing through the death of my optimism and frustrated beyond words.
Moving forward, though not with the happiest heart, I’m always eternally confident and damn determined to find it on the other side.