Another Beautiful Day In Chaos

sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't…

Gratitude

In the worst month of my adult life, I’ve had to take stock of what’s important and face reality about what’s not. I’ve had to stop and count my blessings at a time when they all felt like sand slipping through my fingers.

I’ve never been more sad or had more reason to be hopeful about the future. I’ve also never had more stress or reason to worry, in my life. The high points seemed to come at an exorbitant expense while the low moments stacked up like firewood.

This was not my year, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. I have so many things to be grateful for and on a day like today… a reminder sure won’t hurt either.

I’m grateful for my friends. Especially my Fancy best. I wish I had more time and opportunity to be a better friend, but my goodness I am blessed with those of mine I consider the closest. This has been such a horrific month and I would be lost and broken without mine, and I am so grateful.

I’m grateful for CrossFit. I can’t even believe it, but it’s true… I actually found an exercise program that I love. One that absolutely slaughters me and leaves me shaky and begging for mercy. It’s carving my body into a new shape and I have some muscles I haven’t seen since I was a kid. I feel stronger, I’m sleeping better and I’ve made a handful of new friends. I can’t afford it, but I can’t afford not to, either. It’s a gift I’m insisting on giving myself, and I’m falling in love with my own body again, something so priceless I can’t put a dollar sign on it.o

I’m grateful for ham and swiss Lunchables. I realize this is silly and probably doesn’t make a lot of sense to anyone, but on the road to uncovering myself, the diet gets boring. I had a very wholesome and healthy childhood and my mother would have died before she bought us pre-packaged lunch… let alone processed meat and fake cheese. Over her cold, dead body…. So when I need a treat and to cheat on my diet a little, nothing makes me happier than those pressed ham circles, refrigerated crackers and fake swiss cheese. It’s one of my favorite guilty pleasures.

I’m grateful for my family. For my sisters, my brother and my mom. My dad gave me a beautiful family of siblings that make my life rich and rewarding. I can’t imagine adulthood without them, as much as they made my childhood grand as well. I am so lucky to have the people I do. ♥

I’m grateful for men who smell good. I walked by a handsome older man in the store tonight and he held out his hand to take my empty cart when his cologne hit me. Mmmm…. It’s like an olfactory kiss on the lips. One that so few men exploit to their benefit. I have friends who hate it, but very few. I don’t care if it’s Old Spice and you smell like my daddy, just wear it.

I’m grateful for Tinder. I’m also really shitty at it. I have 47 messages, waiting. I only open it when I’m feeling especially bad for myself, swipe, swipe, swipe and then I forget about them for a week. I don’t have the desire, the attention span or the interest necessary to weed through them all. There’s too many, they’re too rabid and none of them are the him I want them to be. They do a whole lot collectively to make me feel better about feeling so rejected, but not so much that I want to date 25-30 year old boys.

I’m grateful for flowers. My gardenia is blooming in the kitchen while the wind howls outside and I picked up a fresh bouquet this evening from an old love of mine. I’ve been single for so long that I don’t think about flowers being sent anymore so when I got the call, I was sure they were in regards to Anthony’s passing. I was stressed out and frazzled, none too thrilled about having to schlep downtown in the wind to pick up flowers. When I walked in and saw them, I knew immediately who they were from. A once upon a time lover who memorized my favorites and used them to his benefit. I hadn’t seen a dozen cherry brandy roses since the last time he sent them to me. I picked up the phone and called the last number I had saved in my phone for him and he answered on the first ring.

cherrybrandyroses

B-Babydoll. You got them.

J- Awwww, thank you! I love them! Hiiiiiii!

B- I don’t know why but I hopped on your blog when I was flying home yesterday, just to check in and hoping you’d be knitting or canning and instead you’re wasting your time with a guy like me.

J- You know what they say about old habits.

 

B- I’m really sorry about Anthony. Remember topless karaoke when you rapped that Chingy song? Or that lap dance we bought you in Twin Falls? He was a great guy and a good friend. We have some great memories.

J- I was just telling someone that story the other day. My goodness… I’m lucky I survived that weekend. Thank you for the flowers, he would have loved them, too.

B- The flowers are a reminder that you should be getting them. You need a real date with a real man.

J- I need a raise, light snowfall and to win the lottery.

B- Touche.

He’s right though. I do need a real date with a real man. He’s NOT it… but I love the reminder, the gesture and a dozen of my favorite fall roses. It’s nice to feel like a treasured girl instead of an overcompensating bother.

I’m grateful for dishwashers, washing machines, dryers, matte 24 hour lipstick, and coffee, without which I would die. 

I’m grateful for eyelash extensions and the incredible friend I made who glues me into a prettier version of myself. Not just with tiny fake lashes, but also with the love and care she gives me. I have cried a dozen times, she’s helped me through some of the hardest days and when I leave I look a million times better than I felt walking in the door. She’s the type of person that makes everybody’s day better just for crossing her path. One of those million watt souls with a personality and character to match. She’s good people and she makes me gooood lookin’. ♥

I’m grateful for my career. I am the Vice President of my company and carry a lot of stress from work home with me. It’s not always sunshine and roses, but I have the staff I’ve worked hard to build, the ability to work happily within those four walls and the luck of getting to do something that I truly love for a living. I’m valued, appreciated and respected for the hard work I do. That’s saying something in these days and ages. I love my coworkers and look forward to how good it can be after a little more tweaking. I always think of the line in the desiderata that says : “Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.”

I’m grateful for frozen pizza, LOL Surprise dolls and Minecraft… without which I would never have a break. 

I’m grateful for that guy I loved so much. That one that is determined to hurt me, regardless of the many reasons why he shouldn’t. He’s taught me so much about myself in the last year and I’ve learned to say hard words that I’ve swallowed my entire lifetime.

I’m grateful for my children, especially that firecracker eldest daughter of mine. She’s fire in all the ways I’m soft and I feel like I managed to do the impossible and make a strong woman with my fragile doormat hands.  The tables have turned and she’s kind, nurturing and maternal in every way I need love these days. She swoops in to hug me, fill the house with her beautiful laughter and make the world seem right again.

I’m grateful for my son. He raises the bar without being here and makes me dig deeper to be a better version of me, every day. If he ever comes back, he’ll be really happy to the mom he comes home to, and that is everything to me.

I’m grateful for my Dumpling, who hugs me all day long. We were born three days apart and see eye to eye. We can bake the day away, play babies for hours and snuggle in front of movies for an entire lazy Saturday. She’s a tiny version of me and her big sister, and I treasure every second of every day with her.

I’m grateful for the woman I’ve grown to be. I’m not always good at adulthood and I fail regularly, but I do work hard at being a better example for my kids, myself and my community. I’m learning and I’m trying. I’ll never be perfect but I hope I’ll always be kind.

and I hope I always remember to be grateful. ♥

Categories: Children, CrossFit, Family, Food, Friends, Happiness, incredicock, Love, Satisfaction, Truth

1 reply

  1. Great list! I hope you have a fun filled, fantastic Thanksgiving! 🍸

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s