Another Beautiful Day In Chaos

sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't…

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I worked a miracle on Monday and saved myself for the gazillionth time. I bought a bottle of champagne on my way home and cried tears of relief instead of fear. I cannot tell you how good that feels. Scary shit was coming at me from every angle and instead of hiding from it (as is my way) I listened to my Fancy friend, put my head down and did the hard work. Embarrassingly, it wasn’t hard.

Overwhelming relief was just a few hours away, the whole time. I lost months of sleep over something, purely because I was afraid of the reality.

Remind you of anything else in my life?

Yep. Me too.

I sat in the dark with a Cinderella cup full of cheap champagne, and added a few tears to it too. I’ve allowed myself to back pedal with Incredicock because grief is so overwhelming to an already sad girl. The truth at the end of the day is the same though, and falling deeper into him only leaves me more empty than I already am.

No amount of hoping, wishing or outdoing myself has changed a thing. I’m wasting my life living for a few mixed signals and actively breaking my own heart.

I drank my watered down champagne and decided it was time to get my shit together and put an end to this unending devastation. I’m stubborn beyond reason, but I simply can’t take it anymore.

So I drove to the Goodwill bin at the grocery store this morning and threw his shirt in. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to wanting to climb in after it. I cried as I drove home and kicked myself for being so damn determined to be a better version of myself. Wallowing and wishing is so much easier than facing it head on.

I deleted him out of my phone, off the ipad and from any remaining social media. Same goes for the dick pics and so on. I erased every last shred of him that I’ve been clinging to and cried about it for good measure.

I made plans for Friday AND Saturday night. Back to back first dates with men too young and too pretty to explain. Neither of whom look anything like him, share the same name as him or have anything at all in common.

No, I’m not looking forward to it. I’m making myself deal with this and get over this because I can’t afford to avoid it anymore. It’s ruining my life and the cold hard truth is that he doesn’t want me. He’s well aware that I’m miserable and sitting around waiting for him to change his mind. That’s not attractive either.

Men are hunter/gatherers. They like to pursue their prey and will stop at nothing to hunt down what they want. I didn’t know I was going to love him so much and I broke the cardinal rule. If you present yourself as a piece of ass, that’s all he’ll ever see you as. Sadly, women don’t get to play casually with their hearts and bodies. It always ends badly. I hate games and drama, but if you want to keep him… you gotta keep your pants on until he’s hooked.

He taught me big lessons about myself and I’ve learned a lot about how to avoid ever feeling like this again.

I just have to wade out of this sad little swamp I’ve been so desperate to swim in.

One step at a time… with the love of my best friends and a solid understanding that I am not made for this kind of heartache.

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Categories: Agony, Happiness, Hope, incredicock

2 replies

  1. I’m so happy for your decision to make yourself feel better. You have all these good qualities that anyone would be lucky to have you in their life. I mean you make marshmallows from scratch for christ sake! You are a BAMF.
    You have survived this and you will love again. I firmly believe that people are brought into our lives for a reason. It might be a short time or a long time, but each person we have in our life is there to learn or teach a lesson. I support you moving on and living your life. Freedom will look damn good on you.

    • “I wanted to run away that day, but I realized that you can’t run away from your own feet.” – Cloudy with a chance of meatballs

      I just have to. I’ve never had my happiness so tied up in another person before and honestly I’m never getting in that pool again. I’ll date him out of my system if I have to, but I’m quitting after that. Knitting is a whole lot easier on my heart.

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