Derek the douchebag.

I knew when I agreed to this date that Derek was not my current type. I actually picked him for that reason. Let’s be honest… I’ve been ass deep in heartache and begging…. the least attractive a lady can be…. so I didn’t expect this to be a fun choice.

This was a date based on vice, not vision.

I have had a horrifying week full of sore muscles, financial bombs and vomit. My little Dumpling caught the worst of it this week and I’ve been juggling a million nightmares while smiling through feeling marginalized by the one person who can turn my frown upside down.

My stupid car broke down and I had to go pick it up tonight. Three guesses who I called and the first two don’t count.

Already sick to my stomach with nerves over a date I don’t want to go on, sitting beside the reason I have to go in the first place, I fought back tears and was grateful for the dark of daylight savings. He wasn’t paying any attention so it wasn’t hard to just sit silently and breathe through the cold and disinterested side of him. He’s like the moon, shining on me when he wants and never when I do. I’m itching to touch him and he could not be more prickly.. when hot tears break and spill down my cheeks. I brushed them away and bit my lip to stop the flood. He sat silently and I prayed for the minutes to turn into seconds.

We got to the mechanic and I bolted. I didn’t even thank him… and we all know that’s not like me.

Into the safe haven of my car, I absolutely bawled. Great. Puffy, red-eyed glory for my date. That’s awesome. I just wanted to cancel, pull on my ugliest and most comfortable pajamas, and go to bed at 7, with the Dumpling. My date was driving over an hour to take me to dinner, so I needed to pull it together and put myself back together as well.

I flew home, put a pizza in the oven and ran for the shower. A quick 10 minutes and I was blow drying and painting myself into a misleading version of pretty. I clean up well.

The babysitter arrived and I was off to meet my next bad choice.

I’ve been craving my favorite hippy food lately so I took him to a place I don’t usually take a date, in order to eat what I wanted. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but when I walked in and saw a dozen people I knew, I kicked myself.

He was waiting at a table and looked like the only dessert on the buffet. I could see women eyeing him and whispering to their friends.

I really have spectacular taste in douchebags when I’m being shallow.

Derek is 27, 6’5″ and reminds me of chocolate pudding. I got to the table and held out my hand to shake his. He hunched over and kissed my cheek. He reeked of whiskey and we’re in a hippy bar… so I knew it wasn’t recent.

J- Hi. How was the drive?

D- Long.

J- Hungry? This place has horrible service and great food.

D- and no liquor.

This is where I should have left. I should have just cut my losses and gone out the back door he doesn’t even know exists. I’m starving and determined to shake this heartache off, so I ignored my inner voice and ordered my favorite mahi-mahi zucchini wrap.

Awkward silence at the table has me looking around for a lifeline… and there are only nightmares from the past, bobbing all around me. I excused myself to the bathroom and did the unthinkable.

I sent the sober version of a drunk text to the guy I’m suffering through all this bullshit for..

Silence… nothing but deafening silence from him.

I went back and sat at the table while Derek told me how lucky I was to be there. I ate the one thing I felt like I could actually stomach after another week from hell.

I didn’t even cry. (Go ahead and clap.. … because it was touch and go there a half dozen times.)

Our inattentive server brought the check and Derek eyed me smugly.

D- Your place?

Once upon a time, I could have said yes. Ten years ago I’d have been only too happy to ignore his shitty character in trade for screaming orgasms.

Now?? Not in the slightest.

J- Thank you for dinner. I appreciate you making the drive to take me out, but no. I’m not taking you home.

D- Why not? I wanna fuck you.

J- Charming as that is, I’m not interested, but thank you.

D- Your loss.

J- That’s debatable, but ok. Have a nice drive home and thank you again.

I bolted for that beautiful back door that led to my freshly repaired car and the ticket to climbing into my bed, by my own damn self.

Single never felt so good, even if tears are more common than satisfaction.

5 thoughts on “Derek the douchebag.

  1. Chris

    Are you kidding me?
    He actually propositioned you before picking up the tab…like sex was part of the buying dinner transaction?!?
    What an awful human.
    (Did you publish this secretly or delete it? I got the email about it, but can’t find it in my reader…)

    • J

      It’s public!

      I wish I were kidding. I also wish I were surprised when he said it.

      I’m beginning to think if I find someone attractive that it’s a sure sign he’s an awful human. My track record is 100% at this point. Hell, even the guy I can’t get over is a good person to EVERYONE but me. Go figure. After my date tonight, I quit.

      I’m buying myself a chastity belt for Christmas. 😂😂

      • x

        I don’t know if I’m more upset you didn’t get a fairytale ending, about this douchebag here ^, or the fact that none of these boys could cook you a proper steak.

        I’m not 6′, I’m over 40 (hardware most likely still works, hasn’t been tested in a while), I can’t bake (yet. it’s on the list), zero interest in Tinder or any of that fuckery…but I absofuckinlutely can cook a medium rare steak. 🙂 Merry Christmas to you and yours.

  2. Derek needs a kick to the balls. What a douchbag. I’m so sorry you had to go through that horrible date. You should try dating the homeliest guy on the whole app. That way you have a shot at getting a sweet gentlemen instead of Derek the douche. That way if there is no initial attraction to the guy you might end up with someone nice that will give you a good date and you can re-learn how a proper lady needs to be treated. You know, open doors, pull out chairs, stand of you leave the table for any reason. A guy who communicates and has a personality because he cant rely on his looks to get the girl.

  3. Susan McCord

    It’s time to believe that “you are going to meet a great guy” and not these repetitive douche bags. Change your mindset to change your path. I went through a similar type of dating pattern and then finally got pissed off at myself for attracting them towards me. After all, I was in charge of who I let in. I stopped dating for about 8 months and then came back with a whole new attitude. Those past experiences taught me a lot about how to always respect myself first! No one deserves to be treated like crap. I only met great guys after that. Boundaries are so important. big hugs xo

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