I had a lousy time with Mr. Right last night. I’m not sure what happened but he was awkward and distant at something he invited me to. To add insult to injury…. Incredinope walked through the door and proceeded to give me the ice cold shoulder. I sat there, feeling uncomfortable and out of place, itching to pull my pajamas on and climb into bed… and decided to do just that.
Without saying goodbye.
I’m at the point that I’m no longer willing to feel inadequate or unwanted. The second that shoe drops, so does my interest and I am only too happy to retreat to the cozy castle I call my own.
No habla red flags, thankyouverymuch. If I learned anything from the last year, its how devastating uncertainty and rejection can be. I will not climb back into that wretched mud puddle.
They both got a piece of my mind via text message and I was in the shower and slipping into my ugliest comfy pajamas in no time. Mad as a hornet, but also very proud of myself.
I hardly slept, and woke up to the realization that I had CrossFit this morning. For the first time in my adult life, I counted the minutes until I could go… knowing that I’d feel a million times better afterwards. My eyes were puffy from crying and I was on the verge of more tears. Walking in to see my darling trainer waiting for me with a beaming smile, almost pushed me over the edge.
N- Hiiiii! We were just talking about you. You’re someone who makes us all smile when you walk in the door. Seriously. You ok? What’s up?
J- I’m really glad it’s a you day. I’m having a tough one.
N- Well let’s go then!
He turns the board around and I see the two words I dread most.
Fucking hell. Honestly if you haven’t attempted to use a jump rope since childhood, go get one. It’s the most humbling experience you can have for $5. It turns out, we all should have continued to jump rope since childhood, because it destroys you better than just about any other workout. I could hardly do it my first day. Now I bemoan the weight of my body and jumping it off the ground in time to the hand-held plastic torture device.
J- I told you I was sad, can’t you come up with another form of torture?
N- But you’re getting SO strong and SO good at all these things, I want you to see how much easier it is for you to do. I know you can do it. It’s just 45 second intervals. I promise it will be easier.
For the record: labor pains and jumping rope make 45 seconds feel like the longest 10 years of your life. He was right and it was so much easier than it was before, but it still really sucked. I did russian twists until I thought I was going to vomit, flutter kicks until my ass lit on fire and one arm kettlebell swings to the point my arms and shoulders screamed at me to stop.
He high-fived me and two fat tears rolled down my cheeks.
N- Oh no… that’s not jump rope related, is it.
J- I feel so much better and I’m just grateful and emotional. It’s been a horrible year and this has given me so much of myself back. Thanks for putting up with me.
N- You’re getting stronger, do you feel it?
That’s such a weighted question for me. Physically I’ve never done the things I’ve accomplished in the past two months of CrossFit. I did 78 pushups and 144 kettlebell swings on Wednesday. I still can’t believe that’s even possible for me. The cellulite is disappearing from my thighs at record pace and my ass looks amazing. I’ve only lost 30 pounds but my arms look and feel so much stronger. My posture is improving, my neck doesn’t hurt anymore and the sharp pain in my left elbow is gone.
More than that? My heart feels better. My soul isn’t so shattered. I can sleep again and food is starting to taste good. I’ve grown so much as a woman in the last year by truly falling apart in order to put the pieces back together in a healthier way. I’ve learned to say the hard things and lift the heavy ones. My body is starting to look like the one I lost so many years ago to motherhood.
I’m getting better. Which is why I spoke up today and cleared the air with Mr. Right.
R- Are you mad at me???
J- No, I felt disrespected and leaving was easier.
R- I was super nervous, I don’t know why. I am so sorry. That wasn’t my intention at all. That makes me sad. Come over, please? Let me make it up to you.
J- Another time… I’m going to take a nap and soak my broken body in epsom salts.
R- I’m sorry baby. It will never happen again.
See? I’m learning from my mistakes and demanding better.
It’s going to be a happy new year, I can just feel it…
….. along with every other muscle in my poor body.