Another Beautiful Day In Chaos

sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't…

The fuck outta here with that.

I’ve been trying to breathe through disappointment for a week. Trying to swallow uncomfortable feelings, ignore inescapable irritation and fight off frustration. Gulping words down my sore throat instead of spitting them out like I so desperately want to.

Tall is great but real is better… and I don’t feel it at all with him. I feel convenient, annoyed and frustrated beyond belief. The “Good Morning Beautiful” texts may be a nice way to wake up… but they’re also incredibly generic to a girl who craves originality.

The drama that this man swims in, makes me want to row my boat back to the man who drowns me in my own. Sitting in a tepid sea of boredom makes me miss him more than anything. Call me a masochist… but I’d rather burn to death than die of smoke inhalation.

I accidentally tagged Mr. Right in something on Facebook, Christmas day. He got weird and distant, something I would have done too if I’m being honest…at least until an email came rolling in from a crazy ex, telling me he was a cheating narcissist. I talked to him about it. I didn’t like his answers. I tried to swallow those fears, reminding myself that many fears are borne of fatigue and loneliness.

Because it’s been two weeks since our first date and he’s made no effort to make another. New Year’s Eve is tomorrow…. for fuck’s sake. He’s happy to invite me to drive to his house but I’m not a vagina delivery service and the temptation is low.

I’m not a priority for him and I know it. Frankly… I’m sick to death of it already anyway because I burn out quickly with too much electronic attention. Too much is never a good thing with me if your actions don’t balance with the number of texts you’re sending me.

I’ve learned to slam the door shut when I see a cheating leopard try to hide his spots. I retreat rapidly when I feel disrespected and don’t hesitate to burn bridges before feeling convenient.

Nothing in my life is convenient. I’ll be goddamned if I am… and I’m only a secret if I want to be.

It was a disaster of a day, with my mom’s house nearly burning to the ground. Mr. (Not) Right started picking a fight with me in the midst of it. I knew he was looking for validation but I was knee deep in the charred remains of my mama’s home and he was laying on his couch in boxers. I don’t have patience for anyone who can’t see how outrageous their needy behaviour is in the midst of an actual crisis.

Exasperated, I gave him a piece of my frustrated mind and put my phone away to tackle real life, incredibly annoyed that there wasn’t so much as an offer to help, even if I’d have declined.

R- That sucks baby, I want you.

<Eyeroll.>

Being wanted is great, don’t get me wrong. After a year of feeling ugly and undesirable, I am drowning in sexual innuendo and graphic invitations.

But…

I want lunch. I want good old fashioned laughter over a cup of hot cocoa. I made him two dozen marshmallows for Christmas and he never said a word. I want appreciation more than to hear how hot I am or how much someone wants to fuck me. That’s not attractive in the slightest and I’m rolling my eyes at his messages more than smiling at them.

I came home and made his favorite tacos… sent him a message and invited him for dinner.

R- Oh baby, I have family over because I want to know they get at least one good meal a day.

J- Ok.

I ate enough carne asada to grow hooves and heard my phone whistle at me again. The football game I’d been dying to watch was suddenly not interesting and I could feel my irritation begin to simmer…

R- I want your taco.

J- Then come over.

R- I’m tucked in and cat napping.

J- Its 9.

R- Lol, ya I know… I’m pathetic huh….

J- No, I’m just not a priority.

R- Oh boy… Ummmmm ok. Sorry you feel this way… I didn’t look at it like that but I will from now on…..

Things only got worse from there and my patience ran out like the sand of an hourglass. On the heels of a messy day made more disastrous by him, I have zero interest in this. I guess seeing so many things I don’t want, so early on… makes me feel more like running than communicating.

I’m a cancer to the bone and I love falling in love more than anything. It’s absolutely a drug to me and I’m inclined to overlook a million things just to maintain my intoxicated grin.

But.

I learned a huge lesson this year. I learned to walk away from what doesn’t serve me and to throw away what costs too much and doesn’t give back. Falling in love with the most amazing man I’ve ever known and the subsequent heartbreak that followed, taught me to never settle for less than.

and this is so much less than what I want.

So I’ve slipped into my little red fuck me pumps, zipped into a tiny little red dress that hugs all my new CrossFit curves just right and just in time for New Year’s eve. I’m walking away with my head held high and a happy smile on my face…

Like the grown woman I’ve worked so hard to become.

walking

Categories: Dating, Truth

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