Another Beautiful Day In Chaos

sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't…

Perspective

Other than the dark fog of that first month of raising a newborn alone, I don’t know a day I’ve been more exhausted. My eyeballs ache, along with every single inch of the rest of my body. I hardly slept and it shows. I had to schlep everything back home from my mom’s house today and it was a herculean task.

I’m a whole lot of destroyed, today.

Unfortunately, that brings out the very worst in me and I acted like an asshole this morning. A snotty comment inspired my inner hateful bitch and I summoned the sass of my ancestors. I don’t like that, nor do I desire to rise to the occasion anymore. I’ve gotten softer and more gentle in the last five years and that’s the woman I want to be.

Wanna hate me? Go ahead. It’s not easy because I don’t want anyone to feel bad. Wanna laugh at me? Set your alarm and get up early because I laugh at myself from the moment my feet hit the floor.

I took the day off to snuggle the kitten who literally climbed onto my head while I tried to take a nap, then spent the afternoon dusting myself off a little. It’s been a hard month in the hardest year and I was so sure things were shifting into an easier and better time. It turns out, I’m meant to be stronger, after all.

I counted the minutes until I could go pick my Dumpling up from school and when I saw her walk out the door with her teacher, turn, see my face… and shout MOMMY!!! I finally cried.

This. This is who I am. This is what I live for. This is what REALLY matters. The tiny blonde who grounds me to what I treasure most.

M- I missed you so much today.

D- Mama.

M- Let’s go shopping and make something fun for dinner. We’re finally home and Dazzle Fresh is SO excited she spent the afternoon laying all over me.

We held hands to the car, then to the store to buy steak. The girl speaks the same language as her Daddy and I. When in doubt, add steak and see how you feel afterwards. In the throes of CrossFit, I tried to talk her into salmon.

M- Let’s have fish? Salmon? You love it.

D- I want steak or shrimp… or CRAB LEGS!!!!

M- You need to go to college. Your love for crab legs demands it. We’re having carne asada tacos.

I caught sight of a woman walking up a little too close and gave her a little exhausted side eye.

S- Jenni? I’m Stacy. You worked with my son?

Exhausted, I stumbled over my thoughts for a second until it hit me.

Logan.

I walked towards her and hugged her close to me, immediately.

Her beautiful son died of cancer a few months ago. He was my busser for years and I watched him grow from a shy, awkward kid into a dynamic and hilarious young man. He filled a void in my heart left by the absence of my own son and we had a million funny moments together.

The world is a whole lot less beautiful without Logan. We are all a whole lot worse off because he’s gone.

But…

I laugh when I think about him and I have a million funny stories to share with his bereaved mother when the time is right. I don’t envy her grief and I am damn determined to ease it in any way I can.

Even if it means turning the other cheek and letting a pointless argument, go. Especially then. Logan was funny beyond belief and his mother should write parenting books because she perfected the fine art of giving her children the world while simultaneously teaching them to be good humans who earned their own way. With all the money at her disposal, she made them respectful, loving, hard working and kind.

Anyone can raise a spoiled brat…. but it takes a quality woman to raise a good man or woman. Good people come from the same, and I am determined to keep on, keeping on with respect to his memory.

You never know how much time you have or where your child’s clock will run out. You don’t know the horror of losing your baby until you have no other choice.

There’s no point in wrestling with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. Spend the precious moments you have left doing the things that light your life up like Christmas and make it feel worthy of the moments that our brilliant Logan didn’t get.

Be like Stacy.

Live for Logan.

Do better because you have the chance to.

Categories: Agony, Children, Family, Friends, Love, Torment, Truth

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