I dug around through my blog trash in hopes I hadn’t deleted the original post about this most mortifying moment, but alas… 2010 was quite a year and there’s A LOT of shit to wade through.
Once upon a time, I was writing daily, pissing off the locals and slinging beer at a brew pub. I was single, sassy and my daily rants were going viral on the regular. I went to work one night and settled in for the long haul. I looked up to see my past walk through the door, smiling.
The very first boy I ever had a crush on, in the 5th grade.
Oh my. The joys of living in a small town.
He doesn’t seem to have aged with the exception of having become a man since grade school. He’s masculine, pretty as hell and a wholesome guy.
Him and a friend sit down at the bar and look up for the first time, causing me to blush uncontrollably.
Fun Fact: I am actually terribly shy, which was awfully inconvenient when it came to being a server.
I walked over to say hello and saw his buddy furiously arguing with him.
Buddy- Dude, no. NO. Anyone but her.
I’m confused, but get them something to drink and eat, and wave as they leave me a huge tip and walk out the door. My friend comes running back and invites me to have a beer with them after work. I agree.
When I walked into the bar, I could see his friends eyes get wide. I was starting to get offended, or at least overthink why this guy was so opposed to me.
Me- Hey did I offend you or something?
Buddy- No, I read your blog. No offense, but I have to warn my buddy before he ends up there.
Me- Oh my…
I walked away, which is usually my response when someone (other than my best friend) says something to me in passing about it. He sent my crush over with a beer, like a modern-day peace offering. We danced, laughed and drank the night away until he ended up in a cab on his way to my house.
We were making out in my bed when he stopped, sat up and said…
Crush- I can’t do this. I love my wife.
I freaked out at the mention of a wife. Cried, kicked him out, you name it. Absolute panic and horror, at 3 in the morning when I’m not at my best anyway. He left and I went to bed, alone and glad to be.
Twenty minutes later, I was jolted awake by a knock on the door. I got up, put a robe on and peeked through the curtain. It was my crush… and his wife. I opened the door.
W- Can we come in? He said you were upset and I wanted to explain.
I was so fucking stunned I didn’t know what to do.
W- I want him to sleep with someone else. I told him to. I’m ok with it.
He looked as horrified as I hoped my face also conveyed on my behalf.
We have never spoken since, and I hope I’m never more embarrassed than I was that night, because I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole.
I am not about that swinger life. What’s mine is mine and I’ll break your hands if you touch it. If I want to share something, I will offer…but just like my panties and sex toys; some things are non-negotiable.
Call me old fashioned, but if I go to the trouble of marrying a man, it’s because I don’t want to share him with ANYONE.