I see you.

The one thing I can’t shake after all these years of blogging, is how quiet I get when I know the people I hate the most, are relishing the fact that they can read my journal.

It’s an unfortunate side effect to being a wordy girl.

I’m a little spoiled though, because I have a ridiculous amount of help tracking people and traffic here. If you read this, I know.

So when that sorry sack of trash I thought I loved, sent a link to a flowery post I wrote about him a decade ago to his new girlfriend, I had to laugh a little. I knew he was stupid, but that’s next level idiocy.

When his ex shows up every day to read… I see her too.

When he can’t sleep? I know precisely what he’s reading and what time.

I don’t know why it makes me so silent…

It’s been 2 months since I saw him and I finally feel like myself again. I’m sleeping soundly, have written three chapters in my book, planted a shitload of vegetables and am packing up 20 years of life and moving to the sunshine.

I’m ashamed I let him shake the foundation I’ve worked so hard to build, sad I compromised a job I worked so hard for and embarrassed that someone so careless could feel special to me.

I lost a lifelong friend over him and he’s absolutely not worth it.

I lost myself too for a minute, and it’s taken some time to breathe through the disappointment. I ran into a good friend of his yesterday and he leveled me with one of the biggest compliments I’ve ever gotten. I saw him walking towards me at the hardware store and tried to avoid him. He walked up and hugged me, which felt like a slap after all this quarantine. I must have looked mortified, because he laughed.

S- Hey. I’m sorry. How are you?

J- Uh…

S- I heard.

J- Awesome.

S- Listen. You have so much going for you. What could you possibly want him for? He lives in his parent’s basement, has no ambition and a shitty attitude. He has to date a kindergartner because he doesn’t have anything to offer a grown woman.

I’m a crybaby. Kindness inspires tears just as much as pain…. but I started taking Zoloft a month ago and have finally harnessed my emotions. Crying isn’t as much of a burden anymore, but I bawled right then and there in the electrical aisle of Home Depot.

I hugged him, thanked him and wiped my tears away… I was waiting in line when he walked by again and shouted back to me:

S-  Go home and write. Put that fucker in his place, for all of us. You deserve better, and I’m glad Captain Ahab didn’t realize his good fortune. Good luck, wherever you’re headed.

While I don’t appreciate being one of the great white whales he poached, I am really fucking thankful to be the fish that got away.

whole

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