Teledildonics

Y’allllllllllllllllll.

Technology is amazing, but this is some next level kink.

I get requests occasionally to review products and I just don’t want to go down that road. I don’t want to sell anything here so I send all requests to my spam folder. I never check it, but I was missing an important email and found myself looking through the trash.

Which is where I saw this.

nora

So I bought one, immediately. Nora came in a lovely little box on the day my playmate was coming over. Exxxxxxciting. I sent him the login info and gave him long distance access. What a wonderful thing to be alive in the age of Bluetooth sex toys. whoa

I sort of forgot about it after that, because if it’s one thing I don’t need when he’s in my sheets, it’s a vibrator. Remember that amazing erection your high school boyfriend had, that you took for granted? If anything will get me back to church, it’s all the thanks I give to God for the stainless steel he shares with me.

The highlight reel has my subconscious on edge and I’m biting my lip to keep from begging him for more, when the idea hits…

J- Hey… go log in.

He may be at work, watching football, out fishing with the guys,  but with a few clicks, he has full control and I’m struggling to text him back because every time he texts me through the app, Nora bestows another orgasm upon me.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph… he’s even satisfying, remotely. Also, this may be the best money I’ve ever spent.

Image result for martha stewart it's a good thing gif

Ill Intentions

Admittedly, I went into this date knowing it was a horrible idea. I did not set myself up for failure, but I didn’t exactly go into it with any level of hope for success. If I’m going to be completely honest- I’m craving a bakers dozen with Incredicock, a few beers and a day full of football.

Dating?

Noooooo.

However, I’m bored and have a few hours to kill without my small. So I got my shit together and painted a happy face on. He’s pretty, and I’m taking him to the home of the best damn cornbread you can imagine. Everything else is kind of bad, but oh well. A date is a date, and I’m guaranteed not to see anyone I know at this less than noteworthy establishment.

I hate the parking lot meet up, so I made sure to beat him to the table by 10 minutes. He was late.

I was pleasantly surprised because he is every bit as delicious as his picture implies. Those green eyes are sparkly beautiful and he wore a tie without prompting. Men get a bad wrap for being heathens. I see a necktie on a man and my thoughts are distinctly impure.

He smiles a little too long. He kissed my cheek with intention. His lips were wet. Ewwww…..

I resisted the urge to wipe my cheek and smiled brightly instead. Ever the accommodating date. I ordered a stiff chocolate milk and wished I were engaged in sexual warfare with Incredicock instead. De-fucking-pressing.

Yet here we are, so fuck it. When in Rome and shit.

P- I like your lips.

J- Well that’s nice of you to say. How was your day?

P- It was really long for a Saturday, but they aren’t usually as hard as it was today.

Excuse me while I slit my wrists in the bathroom. If he thinks his thinly veiled sexual innuendo is escaping me, somebody needs to send him a link.

I’m shooting the server some imploring looks. Hit me with some specials. Anything. Just help. She stops and asks if we have any questions or she can bring us anything. I’ve endured some soup and my cornbread is gone. I’m desperate to escape.

P- The check, sweetheart.

My blood runs cold.

J- Pretty sure she’s not your sweetheart.

P- So are we gonna fuck or not?

I took a deep breath and sent my sister a 911.

J- Or not.

P- You like me. You know you want to.

I don’t. This is when I started shooting out hail Mary’s like my beloved Brett Favre. HELP. CALL ME. I started browsing Facebook to see who was online.

My Songbird came to my rescue, immediately.

S- Hurry! The baby is projectile vomiting, come home now! I tried to clean it up but she’s still throwing up.

P- Sick kid? Really?

He followed me to pay the bill and had an insistent hand on my elbow.

Still more Hail Mary’s thrown to my sister and her delightful dude, who call me next. Speakerphone, because I’m offended and annoyed.

D- Babe, can you come home now, please?

J- Yes honey, I’m on my way.

D- Baby I’m serious. I need you to hurry.

I grinned and laughed out loud, unable to help it.

His wide eyed silence allowed me to blow a kiss and fly out the door.

I give up. I retire.

If you need me, I’ll be knitting chastity belts and praying that a lovely lesbian is going to walk her beautiful ass up my driveway.

Dick isn’t worth the headache.

Tinderific

We sure have it easy, ladies.

I posted a couple pictures and a short paragraph and caught 4 men in 10 minutes. Five hours later, I have 27 blowing up my phone and a smoking hot date tonight.

How pretty is this? I realize I am breaking another damn cardinal rule of mine. I don’t date pretty boys. Never. Just like pretty women, they are far more expensive than they’re worth and you will only end up hating yourself. Pretty = problems.

But.

IMG_8157

Meet Hunter. I’m going. Rules be damned.

J- My little one goes to bed at 7, so I’ll see you there at 7:30?

H- I don’t see that restaurant listed on any of the sites with recommendations.

J- It’s intimate, maybe a little quaint? We could go somewhere else if you don’t want to trust me?

Did you hear that evil laugh? You should. They will do ANYTHING you want them to do on the first date. Anything. Homeboy would sit in the middle of the sidewalk and share a Lunchable with me if I told him it’s what I wanted.

Instead, we’re going to my least favorite local cafe. The same place I take all my internet dates. If he’s a psychopath, I’m safe and there are two exits. I’m perfectly comfortable going to the bathroom and leaving. I’ve done that twice. From this same restaurant.

He’s pretty dull, if I’m going to be honest about my first impression. I hate to be a broken record, but pretty boys aren’t generally the most intellectually stimulating. His profile states that he’s attracted to smart women and not into one night stands.

We’ll see about that Hunter. The same way you can’t make a hoe into a housewife, you can’t make an internet date into a husband. I’m moderately concerned that I’m not more nervous, but my curiosity is overriding my sanity.

Who wants to wager some bets? Is he really gonna be this hot? Crazy or sane?

I can’t believe I’m doing this again…

Armageddon

online

The unthinkable is upon us. I blame my darling Little Red, who surprised me with a visit last night.

LR- You should Tinder.

J- Oh god no.

LR- Come on! It’ll be a great distraction and you stand a better chance of meeting someone actually worthy of your time. Maybe even <gasp> someone you actually like.

J- The thought of writing a personal ad makes me want to bury myself alive.

LR- And you say I’m dramatic. Think about it. I think it’s safe to say if he hasn’t walked down the driveway in the past 5 years, that you’re going to have to go out in the world a little to meet him.

J- Meet who?

LR- Your +1. Make a list of what you love and hate. Be honest and I’m sure you’re gonna go like hotcakes.

My daughter, the saleswoman/prophet.

So I caved… and the thought of actually going on a date makes me nauseous, but I do know that it makes for hilarious writing, and I really am enjoying that again. So…. fuck it. Here goes nothing.

  • He must know how to tie a tie. I don’t care if he never wears one to work. He will be wearing one behind closed doors, with me. I like a gentleman who knows his knots.
  • He must be honest. I am not interested in playing on a team that I didn’t sign up to play for.
  • Huge points for smelling good. Cologne hangs in my mind almost as much as the things you say. If you hate it or think patchouli oil counts? The fuck out of here with that.
  • He must love his family & be willing to tolerate mine. That means family dinners, holidays and the whole 9. Antisocial partners ruin everyone’s good time.
  • He must be naughty. I don’t want to worry about horrifying him. I was seconds from an orgasm once, whispered “choke me” to my boyfriend and he leaped out of bed,  wide-eyed & wanting to discuss why I would ever want such a thing. Ugh. I didn’t say “to death”….
  • He must know how to kiss and like it. Same goes for biting. Bonus points for combining the two.
  • He must have control over his own life. No crazy babymamas or feral children. Been there, done that… never putting a toe in that crazy lake again.

So I’m being lazy and weird about it, not wanting to put any energy into writing a profile… digging deep into my blog for my original dating profile. 🙂

Wa LA!

I’m looking for the right man. Is that you? Do you do what you say you’re going to do?

Does your mom tell her friends what a great son you are? Do your kids complain that you’re too strict?

Do women tell you how good you smell and how nice it is to see a well dressed man?

Are you funny in the right moments, and sexy in the others? Are you a good ex-husband? Open to the idea of getting remarried to an amazing woman?

If you answered yes to most of the above….

Email me 🙂

I have a happy life of my own, and I’d like you to have one too. I mean what I say & I never break a promise… you should value your integrity just as much. I have two three great kids that mean the world to me and my friends & family know me to be a loving & consistent mother. I would be delighted to meet someone who takes pride in his role as a father. I’m an incorrigible flirt.

I’m pretty funny… and will love it if you can make me laugh too. I always smell good- and will tell you every time how much I love your cologne. I LOVE good old fashioned manners.  I’m a sucker for nice arms & a nice smile… and If you can dance & kiss too- I may spontaneously propose  proposition you at some point 🙂

I pride myself on raising nice people- no brats here. I share custody with my ex-husband. I have my youngest full time, If you have a crazy ex- I hope you’re nice enough to not email me. I’m really not interested.

My favorite man is… masculine, confident, and funny…sexy, and aggressive (in the right moments). Someone comfortable with me being an independent woman- while understanding too that I get tired of being the boss in my own life and relish the idea of a man who’s in control. If you are meek, mild or timid… we’re not a match. I can’t stand facial hair- no offense if you treasure your mustache/beard/goatee- it’s just not at all for me.

***I hate to have to add this… but… If you don’t have a picture, I’m going to assume you are either:
A. Married 
B. Unattractive
C. Chicken
None of which interest me. If you’re taking the time to browse- have the courage to do so with your face. 🙂 Also- if you’re over the age of 60- Please. Don’t email me.

Heeeeyyyyyy…. look at that! Minimal changes and I’m set! Now I just have to actually pull the trigger.

Sexually Transmitted Stupidity

My favorite Songbird called to cheer me up, and after two words she said:

S- Wait. You have to listen to this, then call me back.

https://app.stitcher.com/splayer/f/163807/56329244

*Sometimes the dude is thinking you want more and you’re thinking, I don’t want to know what your favorite movie is, I don’t care if you like dogs. I genuinely don’t care. I just want to collect you like a Pokemon. 

* He told me, we can’t give A1 dick to everyone. Not everyone can handle it. Listen… these dudes are on to us. They only hand out the A1 if they feel like you are removed enough that that they don’t have to handle your emotions.

*If this is someone that’s in your life, let them know how good that dick is. If they are just kind of like a fuckbuddy- y’all know what’s up. You don’t have to be verbose about the praise. A lot of times, you can’t even front. It doesn’t matter what you say, you said enough when it was all up in them guts. 

*What is the nutritional value of this penis. Twinkie dick is gonna taste great, but it’s not fulfilling. Then you have kale dick.  It doesn’t taste fantastic, but the nutrient level is incredible.  Then there’s the holy grail. the sweet potato dick, full of antioxidants, but also sweet and savory at the same damn time. Meaning you’re touching all the bases, which means its probably touching all your bases. 

*Do you know how dope it is to laugh with someone that’s gonna fuck the shit out of you? That right there is a gem of a time. 

Enjoy ♥