Tall Order


I ran into him yesterday and was struck silent. My nerves were on edge and I could hardly breathe. He smiled at me and my resolve liquified. He leaned in and the words fell right out of my mouth.

J- My God you smell good.

This is why I need a filter. He looks confused and I’m trying to delicately back-pedal. There’s just no getting around it. I love an artificially fragranced man. No natural essential oils, either… No. I love me some after shave, die for even the most basic dollar store cologne, and heaven help us all if he’s ironed. I have vices, I admit them.

Sometimes it’s better to just admit to them and move on. I do my best to squash these natural inclinations, to no avail. You want what you want and there’s no getting around it.

My mama is a firm believer in list making, and this is no exception.

  1. I want a man who makes me laugh when I want to slit his throat. I realize this is a specialized skill, but if you can make me laugh when I’m furious, nothing bad will ever happen. I’m a happy person by nature and would much rather fuck than fight… so this is a skill that will make your life pretty damn spectacular as well.
  2. I want a man who can fix things with tools. One of the hottest things I’ve seen recently, is a man searching for a tiny replacement screw in the gazillions of drawers at the hardware store. He found it… and I could hardly speak. Men with man skills are my jam.
  3. I need him freshly shorn. I’m capable of handling a beard these days, but it needs to be more manicured hedge than broom. A million bonus points for silky soft man face.
  4. I need him artificially scented. No patchouli, no lavender and NO Old Spice. I’m not attracted to naturally scented anything, hippies OR men who smell like my dad. Beyond those guidelines, anything goes. I don’t have a favorite cologne, but any is better than none. Hell… soap has been known to blow my mind lately… so this is an inexpensive vice to exploit.
  5. I need him to love his mama. This is one of those old fashioned vices that I can’t seem to quit. I loathed my mother in law and my ex did too. It only took away from our life, and I wish I’d been older and wiser so that I could have tried harder to build a healthy relationship with her. The older you get, the more you realize how priceless those people really are in your life. If I’m going to commit to a man, I’m going to have to want to hang out with his mom.
  6. Faith isn’t important to me, but I have found that the Christian boys are just as dirty and dishonest as the heathen atheists. I don’t care what someone’s faith base is, as long as they don’t force it on me or mine. Jesus is like your penis. Keep it to yourself until I ask for it.
  7. I need for him to know his way around the kitchen. Men who cook are my achilles and I am powerless when it comes to a perfect medium rare steak. If he can tie on an apron and blow my mind on a dinner plate, I’m going to thank him in ways he’s only dared to fantasize about. You cook for me: I burn for you. It’s a win-win situation.
  8. Can he dance? He needs to. I don’t care if he looks like an elephant in roller skates, I just can’t be the only one bumping and grinding while I get the dinner dishes done. Miserable chores are made better by a little ass shakin’ and I want the guy who can’t help but dance with me if I’m gettin down.
  9. I’ve been celibate for 5 years. I need to not be anymore. Along those lines, I want He-Who-Can-Keep-Up. Don’t whine about needing sleep or having to work the next day… life is short and I’m insatiable. You’re welcome. If he can’t or won’t, I don’t want him.
  10. Last but not least… I need him to be a very good man. The one nobody can believe is single. That guy who opens doors, puts the toilet seat down and says please and thank you. Manners, integrity and a quiet masculine strength that doesn’t need to be loud or aggressive to be perfectly obvious.

I’m pretty sure you’ve realized the same thing I have after reading this.

I have a better chance of finding a unicorn growing out of the soil in my garden, and we’re still buried under 4′ of snow.

A new kitten or a fresh tattoo sounds a million times better and FAR more likely to be a perfect match, so if anyone has any suggestions for either, let me know!





Good As Hell

There’s some magic in tidying yourself up. I took the day to myself yesterday, to put my life back together.

Hair and nails are at the bottom of my list. I had carbon monoxide alarms to buy and car registration to renew. Checks to order, laundry to fold, dirt to sweep up and my beloved gardenia to water.

I got a lot done waiting for the incredible furnace repairman, and I’m freshly amazed at how much a clean house can make me feel a million times better. Walking barefoot on a freshly mopped floor, makes me all sorts of zen. Having the laundry put away is right up there with morning sex, in my book.


I went to a  financial planning meeting that I’ve been putting off, resulting in good news for a change! A brighter future than I’d dared to dream about… and I can finally breathe easier.

Lunch and bubbles with my beloved Miss Fancy makes the whole world brighter, but even more so when I’ve been drowning in my own misery for so long.

I’ve ghosted a dozen darling men because my heart isn’t in it. I hate how bad that feels, so I sent them all an apology and so-long-see-ya-later text. I don’t need cheap attention or bandaid sex. I need to not feel worse and it’s wonderful to know that an Incredicock stunt double would only make me miss him in all new ways. Tinder boys are only a distraction until you realize how disgusting they all are.


So I did a little retail therapy, and bought what really makes me happy.


A big bag of dirt. ♥

I dug out my tomato seeds… flower seeds… and a million asian long beans because I am obsessed with growing new and weird vegetables. I swept up the floor in the greenhouse and threw out the rotting winter squash we NEVER eat, which reminds me to order more Cinderella pumpkin seed.


I’m reminded that I’m really good at a lot of cool things, and love just isn’t one of them. I’m really lucky to have my freedom and a job I adore. I have wonderful friends, a great family and my kids are all healthy, happy, wonderful members of society. I have more yarn than I will ever be able to knit into treasures, and a disposable budget for more. I’m a DIY obsessed homeowner with a nice collection of power tools and no hesitation to get dirty. I’m healthy, happy and pretty damn well-rounded if I do say so myself.


Some girls have a man in their lives. I have everything but.

I’ve been wallowing in sadness, wondering why he didn’t want me anymore, when the real questions are: why the hell would I care, and what would possess me to still try to convince him? It’s easy to get tangled up in your own ego when you feel the sting of rejection and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve been wasting my time on righteous indignation.


I don’t like clowns… or the circus for that matter, so I’ll be hiding from my dating life in the garden from now through October. ♥ Spring can’t get here fast enough.