30 Days of Nonsense

I hate dating. I admit it. I’m a relationship girl. I’d rather fast forward to the sleeping in his t-shirt and making him coffee part… the beginning stages are not my cup of tea.

Sidenote: I sleep in my favorite guy’s shirt. Perhaps that’s why I am not at all inclined to try to work myself into a more agreeable one. Part of the magical beauty of him is that he’s no threat to my freedom. That’s a difficult shirt to compete with.

So when I talked to my darling Rachael today and she told me I was woefully behind on writing, I told her to go find me a 30 day challenge and I’d do it. 

J-Not that damn 30 days of truth again, though. I’ve done that twice and still feel naked as a result.

Today marks the painful anniversary of my stupid ass getting on a plane and flying to Puerto Rico for a first date with a (SURPRISE) married man. 8 long years have changed everything about me and I’m still getting to know myself again.

30 days of nonsense is always more about my own soul searching than it is about meeting contracts and deadlines. It’s always more about seeing that I’m not still floating around like a hurricane.

hhh

Here we go…


30 Days of Truth, Day 30.

Day 30 — A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Dear Jenni,

My goodness you’re resilient. You get your heart broken daily and yet here you are, still smiling like it’s just another Wednesday. I love that you’re getting better at asking for what you want and deserve. Your loyalty won’t always be used against you and I begrudgingly love that you still stubbornly adore the least deserving.

You see the beauty in everyone, even when they don’t necessarily see it in themselves. You see the prince in that frog. I’m so sorry you were wrong about the man you love so much. Your heart will survive it and you’ll be wiser as a result. It will get easier someday. I love that you always try to see the silver lining when it would be so much easier to wallow in self pity. I love that you can keep your head up when you are desperately hurt. I’m always a little in awe of your ability to forgive. “To err is human, to forgive divine.” but damn… you’ve had to forgive so much and you still have so much to give. I love that you seem to pull from a bottomless pool of love and forgiveness.

I love that you still believe in happily ever after. That you still believe in love. That you still won’t settle and are happily thriving alone. You don’t want a boyfriend for the sake of having one, you want love notes and to be woken up every morning by a man confident enough to do so. You deserve love songs and bold intentions, two things you’d never have gotten from the carp who swam away. 

I love that you’re lonely, yet still choose solitary happiness over a bandaid relationship.  I love that any old guy, will NOT do. I’m proud that you’ve learned that being wanted isn’t the same as being loved or respected. I’m proud of you for doing what you can to shake off the heartache of learning that awful lesson from someone you thought you could trust. I know you’re sad and I love that you’re responding in a really kind and healthy way… instead of eviscerating him, verbally. I also really love that you could verbally burn a motherfucker down in less than a thousand words, read by a few dozen countries every day. Stop and breathe in your strength. Don’t forget the army of strangers behind you in this heartbreaking battle to be happy.

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You might have lost a recent battle but you’re winning the war overall. Five years ago you would have given a kidney to be whining about something so trivial. I love that you can laugh at yourself while wiping tears away.

I love the easygoing mom you’ve grown into. I love that you buy the cupcakes and Twinkies you’ve always been too afraid to pack in school lunches. I love that you’ve learned to play now and clean later. I love that you’ve learned to guide and not instruct. I love the way you treasure all the art, keepsakes and school functions as much now as you did 24 years ago. You’re a really great mom.

I love that you couldn’t quit your garden but had enough sense to buy plants instead of starting everything from seed for yourself. I hope you never start them again. Pay the $3 a plant and have them a month ahead of schedule. $3 is a bargain. I’m proud of you for knowing your limits and planting less. I love that you always find so much joy and peace in the dirt. Keep on digging your happiness back out from wherever you buried it.

ouch

I love that you’re exercising, and changing the shape of how you feel about yourself. I love that your insecurities don’t inhibit you sexually and I love that you don’t exercise to be sexy. Keep going!!!

I love that you’ve grown as a human and that you’re a softer, kinder and gentler version of you. I love how brave you’ve become and how well suited you are for your job. I love that it brings you joy and helps you grow a stronger spine, simultaneously.

I love you, keep up the good work!

xoxo J


30 Days of Truth, Day 29

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Day 29 — Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I sincerely hope I stop loving men who make me feel unworthy and insignificant. Of all the self destructive habits I possess, this one cuts the deepest and hurts the most.

Mean men are my weakness and boys who make me wonder why I ever thought they’d love me back, are my achilles. I understand it’s a Daddy issue, but at this point it’s also really pathetic.

I wish I could figure it out and heal that broken part of my heart that tells me I should love the guy who makes me question my own value. I’m all for personal growth but I also know at this point that I deserve to feel as happy as I strive to make someone else feel.

I have worked damn hard to be able to admit to myself that my taste is shit and that chances are good if I love him, he’s a very bad choice.

I’ve started dating men that I’m not at all attracted to, who treat me kindly.

I had dinner last week with the nicest man I think I’ve ever had a meal with. I feel resigned to less passion and more love. It makes me desperately sad to think I have to pick one over the other but at this point I’d rather smile than cry… even if it means my screaming days are over.

I had a date on Saturday who took me for a spin in his airplane.

I’m stepping outside my comfort zone with the men who treat me with kindness and respect. No dick pics. No creepy requests for pictures. Intelligent, capable men with successful careers and a confident approach.

IE: I’m dating myself, finally.

It feels great. It’s nice to be pursued by smart men who respect themselves and you. It’s fun to hear about what successful men do. I swoon over a man in scrubs sending me some brilliant grammar on his surgical break. He’s not my type… but my type sucks and only makes me feel bad about myself.

So I’m growing as a heathen, I suppose.

“All growth is gradual, and it is only through slow and gradual stages that man begins truly to “grow up” and discover his true Self and to relinquish the childish playthings of hate, greed and anger through selfless service and love.” -Lord Meher

I’m trying. Ish.

I failed again today when invited to lunch by He Who Shall Not Be Named. I’ve missed him and I am powerless to the temptation of seeing him. Just sitting next to him is intoxicating. He smells like … a bubble bath with candles, fluffy clean laundry and the memories that rob me of sleep each night. I am such a glutton for punishment that I can undo 6 weeks of progress with one touch.

I try not to look at him. I always laugh when I think of the old song my Grandma used to sing to me.

My damn eyes give me away every time. He knows with one glance that I want him far more than the salad in front of me. I walk in promising myself that I’ll be cool, I’ll breathe through how good he smells, how much I want him and the knowledge that I should be walking away from, not into ……….the fire.

But he smells so good and his smug smile hits me straight in the clitoris.

At least until he opens his mouth.

With one sentence, he stuns me so silent that I have to hold my breath to stop from crying. He reduces me into the joke he’s been laughing at this whole time.

The almighty revenge fuck I knew I was, confirmed. All those feelings I’ve drowned in, wasted. The countless sleepless nights and heartache… for naught.

I’m guilty of learning my lessons best when they are the hardest and this is no exception.

Yay Monday. .. and thank heavens this truth bullshit is almost over. This one hit way too close to home today.


30 Days of Truth, Day 28

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Day 28 — What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

I would have an abortion. Absolutely no question in my mind. I would walk if nobody would drive me. I am 100% done growing humans to keep or give away.

No. More. Babies. In. This. Body.

Period.

(Unless any of my offspring can’t grow their own…)

I’m all for babies and breastfeeding. I loved my home birth so much and wish I’d had more at home… but I didn’t. Something about having a baby and raising her alone, has a way of putting those last nails in your fertility coffin.

I got a fabulous IUD after my sweet baby and I am 100% bulletproof. #Thankfuckinggawd.

(Amen.)


30 Days of Truth, Day 27

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Day 27 — What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Things are good. Good enough that I worry about acknowledging how good they really are.

My professional life has never been better and there’s light at the end of the tunnel for the first time in years. I have a job that compliments my life as a single parent, first. It’s also tailored to the weird skills I’ve accumulated along the years of trying to find anything that would keep me busy and the power on. Being employed for my brain and not my body is a new kind of satisfaction.

My personal life is a new version of peace, as well. I have so little time for anything outside of working full time and running a house, but I’ve made a point to stop and play this year and it shows.

My body is thinner than it has been in years and I’ve finally made my health a priority. I’ve equated self care with being selfish for far too long and it’s been really nice appreciating the view in the mirror again.

Pretty much everything is going well for me right now, but if I had to narrow it down to one thing… I’d say my attitude has been the most helpful.

I don’t blame anyone else for my own suffering anymore. I have learned to take full responsibility and look for a solution instead of a scapegoat. I’m trying to be more remedy than reason, if that makes any sense?

I’m nicer… and I like that a lot.

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