30 Days of Truth, Day 26

Day 26 — Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Someone close to me committed suicide when I was in high school. David hung out with us and was really close to my ex-husband. He waved goodbye one day as we left for lunch, went home and shot himself. The devastation his absence left was earth-shattering.

You don’t realize how vital you are to another person’s happiness, until you see people grieve a suicide.

Death is natural and we all lose people that are special to us. Loving someone is the ultimate risk because you know in your heart that everything has a beginning and an end. Same goes for the love of your life. They come to an end, too. It just escapes understanding when they choose to leave.

I believe in assisted suicide. I think anyone with a horrible terminal illness deserves to skip the miserable ending and go out like a blaze of glory, on their own terms. I would seek that relief before I made my family watch me suffer.

But.

My mama loves me too much to ever think my problems are so insurmountable that I can’t go on. All those organic vegetables she painstakingly grew and fed to me, that horse I had to have that hated everyone, the many nights I snuck out and she laid awake worrying… yeah… this lady deserves the golden sunset of my maturity.

My children need me to teach them I love them in that same way my mother has. I have vegetables to grow and feed them, new boyfriends to meet, spelling words to practice and a million happy moments, yet to come.

My best friend is one phone call away and even in the height of professional demands, I know I could call her and she would drop her own universe to catch me. I would do the same. When your friendship becomes sisterhood, you have a responsibility to each other to keep yourself safe. I’m her safe place to land, too…

I am so loved, I could never disregard what a lucky girl I am for long enough to take my own life.

and BOY OH BOY have I fucked up a few times in epic fashion. I go big or go home in every aspect of my life and I’ve done some stupid shit that I’m desperately ashamed of. However… water passes under those bridges and time really does heal everything. Regret is a waste of good memories and even the worst ones will be fun to take with me to the nursing home, someday.

I’m human. I cry a lot. I feel everything a little more than I should. I’ve seen darkness in my life and I know it came at a time when I had disappointed myself deeply and had  backed myself into a corner that I didn’t know how to get out of. Waking up to the reality of my life, hurt. My choices, stunk. My life was a mess and I was desperate to get out of it.

So I listened to my mom, who always reminds me that the answers I need are always one short read away.

M- Don’t forget- many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Take a nap and come over for dinner. I love you.

Moms are always right & life is always hard…but it also changes when you need it to the most.

des

 

 

 


30 Days of Truth, Day 25

stubborn

Day 25 — The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

I may actually be the most stubborn person on the planet. It’s my greatest and worst trait. I know the best way to do things and if you don’t agree then I will do them myself. I’m stubbornly driven because I’ve been let down a lot and consequently I’ve had to learn to rely on myself for everything.

Did I want to learn how to change a tire? Not really. It wasn’t on my bucket list, that’s for sure. However, a flat tire doesn’t scare me anymore. I can drive through Montana and not feel like we may actually die somewhere in the midst of their lack of cell service and my laziness in regards to car repair. I don’t need anyone to save me because I learned how to save myself.

Did I want to learn how to replace the circuit box and rewire the garage? Definitely not. However… when you’re living paycheck to paycheck and the electricity is arcing over the garage your chest freezer is plugged into? The freezer that’s full of the food you grew? Yeah… I learned all about electricity and did it myself. It’s been a decade, it hasn’t burned down and the freezer is still going strong. Some of the hardest learnt skills have given me the most relief. Also, bless the poor man who worked at Home Depot when I was doing all this. He was visibly relieved every time he saw me come back for something else. He begged me to hire someone, and hugged me when I told him I’d done it and it all worked perfectly. We’re still friends. ♥

Did I want to raise a baby alone? No. There are still times I wish I could do the whole thing over because I think we just stopped communicating and forgot how much we really loved each other. I live with the sorrow that causes our baby, every day. He’s also stubborn and we’ve created an extremely stubborn small person… so karma is flowing all around us. I learned from him that sometimes being stubborn can cost the people around you even more than yourself. I grew to be more persistent and less stubborn through watching everything I thought my life was going to be, change. All the hopes, dreams and opinions in the world don’t change the fact that sometimes bad things happen to good people.

I admit that I’m fiercely independent and impatient. I like to do things myself because I want them done right and I’m happiest if they’re done right now. I would never demand that, so I just do what needs to be done. I’m working with someone equally as stubborn now and learning to listen more because he’s occasionally right and often has a better way of doing things. It’s nice to realize that I’m learning to be more flexible.

But don’t let that softening fool you. I’ve got my Irish Grandma’s green eyes and I will dig my heels in and stand unmoving in front of a train. I am stubborn to a fault and I get a whole lot done as a result. It’s all that’s gotten me through the worst things I never imagined I’d have to face, do and learn.

goodquestion


30 Days of Truth, Day 24

Day 24 — Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

Mmm…. I’ve been waiting for this one. I’m good a lot of weird things, but this man occupies far too much space in my head and I can’t shake him. I’ve been trying to flush him out with music, but now I’m listening to whiny country love-gone-wrong songs. 😦

He deserves a playlist, though he will never read it and he’d hate it if he did. It’s enough to get it off my chest and out of my head. Sorry for the rest of y’all along for the ride. The Passive Aggressive Express needs to leave the station.

Dear Bratface,

First off, fuck you for making me sing country songs. I may forgive you for the rest of this bullshit someday, but not that. You’re a jerk for that.

Of all the basic boys in the world, I never thought you were one of them. What a shitty mistake on my part, and what a dick move on yours. Thanks for the hard lesson… and for the rest of the hard things you gave me. You taught me, yet again, that sometimes the biggest regrets come wrapped in pretty paper and good intentions. You promised me orgasms, not misery… and I’d like a refund.

When you smile at me smugly, I hear Rihanna singing to me. I can’t explain how horrible it is when desire becomes need, though I’m confident you’ll know at some point and I hope you think of me when you’re in the depths of your suffering. I would shamelessly sell my soul to buy the clothes off of your body. I close my eyes at night and see you and wake up wanting you even more than I did the day before. This is definitely the worst of the worst sort of addictions, asshole.

They say sexual health is important and I found a miraculous shortcut thanks to you. The say my name game is a new favorite of mine and it works with or without you present. One question: Do your ears itch every time I scream your name?

You didn’t think it was all going to be nice, did you? You shouldn’t have. I don’t appreciate being toyed with and when I do finally shake this awful affliction, you’re going to miss that girl who was so stupid over you. You’re going to miss her a lot.

Yeah as much as I joke, I don’t like being treated like shit and have worked too hard to let self doubt come creeping back in. The fuck outta here with that. You’re the crazy one for not rolling the dice with a full house in your hand.

I can taste you when I hear this song start to play. If there’s one song I race to skip just to avoid the highlight reel that runs through my mind, it’s this awful audible memory that I can’t shake. The least you could have done was let me get sick of you. Ugh. You destroyed my running playlist and I hate you for it.

I’m so sad you’re not a little braver and bolder. This could have been really fun. At this point though, there’s been far more suffering than satisfaction. I love every delicious inch of you, but enough is enough.

Take care. xoxo J

 


30 Days of Truth, Day 23

Day 23 — Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I’d given myself time to grow up before I got married. I wish I’d given myself time to know who and what I was, before I became someone else’s other half.

I wish I’d waited until I was old enough to know what I wanted to be half of.

I wish I had learned what I liked before I swore till death do us part, because there’s no part of him that is anything I like or am attracted to as an adult.

I was destined for happily ever after, damn it. I absolutely got that… but not as part of a couple.

As a teenager, he was perfect for me.  He was cute, smelled good and drove a cute car. As a grown woman? No. I’m attracted to the polar opposite of him. I’m grateful every day for our divorce, for both of us. Neither of us were well suited and he would agree with 100% of this. We are absolutely incompatible and it’s only by raw stubbornness and a burning need to prove everyone wrong, that we stayed together for as long as we did.

It made me gun-shy as a result and it’s a sad thing to consider that my one and only attempt at forever was made with the formative brain of a 15 year old cheerleader.

If you have to wait to drink until you’re 21, you most definitely should have to wait just as long to sign away your physical and legal life. Matrimony and acrimony are only three letters apart from each other. I don’t think that’s accidental.

I poured myself into motherhood and gave Betty Crocker a run for her money. He made friends on the internet. It was exactly as exciting as it sounds.

We never gave each other our best version, hell we were too young to even know what that meant. We survived side by side until I couldn’t go through the motions any more and we became single parents under 30.

We were too young and I can admit it now.

I wish I’d gone to college instead. I don’t see the point of legally binding yourself to another human when it says so much more to choose them every day.

We’d still be great parents and maybe even friends, without the certificate. I have no regrets and my children are my greatest blessings so it may have been a terrible idea for us to get married but our failing at love resulted in two of the most incredible people in the world.

Divorce is pretty common these days and college will always be there, so I don’t see the point in wishing I’d done something. If I want to do something, I do it…. so damn this was difficult to answer… 🙂

yepiwill


30 Days of Truth, Day 22

dadnjen

Day 22 — Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

It was 2003 and I’d sent my dad a Christmas package with a quilt I’d sewn him. We’d baked cookies, made marshmallows, granola, canned treats from my garden. You name it. It was the overachiever package I’d always wanted to send my deadbeat dad.

He’d sent me a letter telling me he’d love to see my kids and I. We’d been talking on the phone and getting to know each other. My husband urged me to be cautious but I threw myself into being a perfect daughter. I sent the package with signature confirmation. He signed for it.

He said he didn’t get it & he never answered another phone call from me.

I sent him a letter I’ll never completely forgive myself for.

My dad was a beautiful man with buckets of charisma and charm. He skated through school on the hard work of my mother then coasted into financial gain the same way. He cheated on her and let her leave with me and nothing else, when I was a year old. My mother single-handedly raised me with sporadic child support sent only by the second woman to make his life easy: my brilliant step-mother. Incidentally, the second women left holding unsupported children after he tired of being a family man.

I sometimes wonder how many other siblings I actually have because I wouldn’t be surprised if there were a few more unaccounted for. There are four of us bound by genetics, daddy issues and a love for each other that makes it all worthwhile. His absence left us vulnerable to the worst life had to offer, but the gift he gave us in each other can’t be undone by his failing as a parent. We’ve forged a bond as siblings in spite of him and it’s given us the small sliver of a dad we can at least refer to when our children ask why they’re short a grandfather.

He didn’t deserve any one of us but since when does anyone really get what they deserve?

I wrote him a letter after he lied to me and let me down for the last time. I told him about how vulnerable he’d left all of us. About the molestation he didn’t protect us from and the rape he didn’t even know about. Other men had given all three of his daughters away on their wedding days. Strangers knew more about his children and I told him in painful detail just how well.

I gave all the hurt and heartache back to him and told him I hoped he’d die alone, like he deserved.

Nearly a decade later… my brother called me as I was getting ready for work one night.

B- Hey. I have bad news. Dad died.

Time really does stand still in those moments. I never had much of a chance to get to know him but when he died, all those chances did too. I grieved the loss of him much harder than the absence. He was under 60 years old but living a hard life. Only my brother ever had a relationship with him, so none of us really knew where he was in the world.

He died alone in some generic apartment in California. He was found by the apartment manager, after a week or so. No next of kin was listed so he sat unclaimed in the morgue until they tracked my brother down.

He died just as I’d told him I hoped he would. Though sad, none of us girls were very excited to have to pay for his remains. My beautiful brother took care of it and spread our dads ashes in Mexico, somewhere he’d always wanted to go.

I regret leaving him with my broken heart and not a loving example of who I really am. I’m sorry that he died feeling hated by me and not knowing that I loved him in spite of all the reasons I shouldn’t. I wish I’d been forgiving instead of vengeful and though he deserved to hear the painful details of the children he harmed, it served no purpose. Sometimes it’s ok to swallow your hurt feelings. Some harsh words aren’t meant to see the light of day because ultimately it never works when you return pain with more pain.

I wish I could have loved him more and wounded him in return, a little less. It’s taught me to choose my words more carefully and say only the things that need to be said. It’s lit a fire under me to be a better person and a more present parent.

I wish I could tell him all the incredible things I am because his absence gave me no other choice.

He deserved to hear the good stuff too.