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30 Days of Truth… FINALLY… Day 30!

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Day 30 – Write a letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Ohhhh Jenni….

You sweet misunderstood girl.

I love your strength. I love that you’re learning to be fearless. I love most of all that you keep on apologizing, even when you aren’t sorry.

I love that you’ve learned to trust… and that you finally know if you’re not there for every single second? Everyone will survive. Or they won’t. Either way. You’ve learned to accept that you can’t be everything to everyone.

I love your body… imperfections and all. I love that you are finally learning to use it like you should, instead of how you think other people expect you to.

I love your mind, and how you find a way when it doesn’t seem there is one out of the mess you’ve landed in. I love your sass… your ass… and the way you smile through the hell of your own bad choices and the mistakes you intentionally make.

I love your mistakes… because they benefit everyone who loves you. I love the lessons, and the way you justify each one. They’re all worth it. They’re all valuable.

I love the bad boys you love. Even if they’re all unworthy or unavailable. I love that you don’t discriminate between them. I love that you don’t limit yourself to the bad boy you love best.

I love the life you’re building, and the life you’ve lived thus far. I love love love that you don’t react out of fear, but out of hope. I love that you’re finally brave enough to accept defeat as a legitimate option. At the same time? I love that nobody can tell you it’s impossible. You have the most amazing will and a sparkling personality.

I love you….and I love embracing the ability to fly a big fuck YOU at anyone who disapproves.

Because?

You’ve arrived, my lovely self. You’ve finally gotten a handle on your inability to say no, your inability to laugh through tears and your bone crushing ideals.

You’ve let go. You’ve accepted what you cannot change…. and it’s made you a better woman, in spite of the assholes you’re forever tempted by.

What’s not to love?

It’s all too easy to accept someone else’s judgement of you.

Instead? You embrace your fabulousness. You’re learning to love yourself. You’re learning from your mistakes and you consistently do your best to make better choices in your next rodeo. It’s only teaching you to grip the bull harder with your delightfully chubby thighs. You can only learn from the hardest lessons.

Don’t avoid them, embrace them.

So you’re a little adventurous… so you fuck up a lot. So you want what you can’t have.

It could be worse….

You could be boring, jealous, scared or pathetic….

and I’d rather see you die trying than watch you give up or settle for mediocrity.

30 Days of Truth, Day 29

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Day 29  – Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Uck. This 30 Days of truth thing is thankfully almost over… and admittedly I’ve put off the last few because they struck a little too close to home.

If I could change one thing about myself it would be my appetite for mean men. Definitely. Wouldn’t we all?

Put two identical men in front of me and I’ll pick the asshole every time. Blindfolded even. Give me a nice guy that returns phone calls, sends flowers and is honest and faithful… and I’ll go straight out of my mind.

A jerk is so much more…. hmmm… dangerous? Reckless? Enticing. If he makes me wonder where he is, lies to me, cheats on me, etc… I can’t do enough to please him. I should have a doormat tattooed on my forehead. Seriously.

It’s totally and completely ridiculous, and as a grown woman? A habit I sincerely need to break.

It’s tragic and pathetic to see a confident woman flail miserably with a douche bag for a boyfriend or husband. Truly tragic. We all have a gorgeous friend who wastes her brilliance on a bad man, and I will be the first person to tell her to cut her losses, remind her how wonderful she is and will her to love herself as much as everyone worthy of her love & devotion does.

I just don’t take my own advice. Tragic and mortifying, all rolled into one lovely little disaster.

Browsing blogs last night I found the best advice I’ve seen in AGES.

“Women who chase men only catch the slow ones”

No more chasing, no more assholes… and no more ignoring my own advice. How’s that for a worthy New Years Resolution?

30 Days of Truth, Day 28

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Day 28 – What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Aside from shoot myself in the face?

All joking aside, I’m only half kidding. Don’t get me wrong, I love my babies. Love them with my whole soul. I’m one of those old fashioned die-hard breastfeeding, cloth diapering super moms. I cross my t’s and dot my i’s when it comes to being a mom.

But…

I’m in the home stretch. I gave my twenties to being a mommy. I gave my perfect body to my adorable son at 18. He took it and destroyed it a little… Ouch.

24 hours of natural childbirth and a million stretch marks guarantee me a merit badge somewhere…. and he was completely worth every single painful second.

But….

I’ve worked my ass off to reclaim it and although the tummy tuck eludes me… I have amazing kids and a wonderful life to show for it. I have no regrets…

But…

If I peed on a stick tomorrow and it turned pink or blue? I’d really regret being a non-gun-toting mama.

Because I’d want a 12 gauge to the face.

30 Days of Truth, Day 27

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30 Days of Truth, Day 27-  What’s the best thing going for you right now?

My sense of humor.

In a week full of chaos… I’m still laughing about it.

Have I mentioned how much I hate the snow? No? ha ha ha… yeah right. $115 to tow my car so the city plow could plow… only they didn’t. The poor lady at the tow place looked at me like I was crazy when I started laughing about it.

J- Aww well, what can you do? I’d rather pay you than walk in the snow, so I guess we can call it a stupidity payment and turn the page.

L- Oh honey, you’re going to get your feet soaked in those pretty heels, want to borrrow my boots?

J- No. Thanks though- I’m determined to avoid those things this winter. I’d rather wade to the car in heels than clunk around in boots.

Her darling husband scraped off the windows of my car, and gave me his ice scraper.

See? There’s a silver lining in every bad day. So I bought an ice scraper for $115… it could have been worse.

Throwing my neck out on my clean the hell out of the house day was especially crushing… but a little karmic. I can accept it- I just can’t turn my head to the left.

Take a muscle relaxer and wash it down with a shot of vodka, that’s what. Hello synergistic effect, thank you, it’s a pleasure to meet you again. Spend the afternoon in and out of the hot tub, thawing a delightful piece of Escolar on my neck, the most fantastic ice pack money can buy.

A little hydrocodone to take the angony away and I didn’t get a damned thing done. I could never be a pill popper, it all turns me into a veggie… and if you think life sucks and you want to feel bad for yourself?

Turn on the Lifetime channel and watch your cares slip away. Seriously, what the fuck and who the fuck is making those movies? I’ve seen nothing but rape, incest, child abuse and meth addiction for the last few hours.

I feel like the quintessential paragon of virtue after spending the afternoon watching Kirstie Alley lock people in her basement.

If you can laugh at foster children being held hostage? You’re working overtime to find something good in every moment.

Ha ha ha…. maybe that’s how she ended up on Jenny Craig. I think she ate a few of them.

30 Days of Truth, Day 25

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Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

It seemed fitting to pick back up with this infernal month of prompts… it being the 25th and all.

Hmmm. The reason I’m still alive?

Because I’m so damned stubborn. Stubborn doesn’t even cover it… perhaps contrary is a better word. Hot & cold… It’s true. I love what I can’t have, don’t want what is thrown at me and work hard to play more.

I do things the hard way.

I don’t read directions.

I think I know everything.

I sort of do…. lol 🙂

More than anything though? I’m determined to DO IT MYSELF. Like a willful three old child… I’m absolutely convinced that anything is possible… and if I put my mind to it? I can do & learn anything.

I blame my mom for this level of confidence…

I heard a million times as a child “I wish you would apply yourself. If you would just try, you could accomplish anything.”

and then I found Google…. and I believed.

I’ve rewired all of the electrical lines in my garage… I’ve installed hard wood flooring. I’ve done crown moulding and plumbing (uck!) and replaced a hot water heater (double yuck). I’ve plumbed my refrigerators water & ice maker, and ran the statelite lines through the NASTY spray insulation in the attic. (triple yuck!!!) all with the help of my beloved Google.

I’m impatient.

I don’t like to wait…

and I don’t like to hear the word…

NO.

So if I’m met with reluctance… I don’t resent it… but I don’t wait either… I GTS… and do it myself.

Stubborn may be a huge pain in the ass… but stubborn gets shit done.

🙂

30 Days of Truth, Day 23

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30 Days of Truth, Day 23 – Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I’d had more children. Not with the dirty boat stealing asshole, but with someone… I just wish I’d had them.

Because now I’m pretty over it. I love kids and I love babies- I really love babies…. but my kids are getting older, they’re funny and interesting and they both are a joy to spend time with. They listen to me when I ask them to do things, they both do well in school and both of them are kind, polite & respectful. I’m very blessed….and it’s been a hell of a lot of work. I wouldn’t do anything differently if I had to do it over again, but I’m exhausted even considering the idea. I’ve been defined by my motherhood for so long, and I’m enjoying having a life of my own too. I have to be able to function beyond being their mother and caring for them. All three of us have to know how to live life individually.

But I miss the 5 year old and newborn I planned on having after my two. I always wanted 4- two of each, ideally- all 5 years apart. Oddly enough it’s exactly the spacing of my ex-husband’s family, with his step-daughter and their new baby boy. I’m so thankful they have a baby and let me play with him 🙂 It’s wonderful to have little kids around again- but at the same time… I think I’m done.  At this point if I got pregnant tomorrow, (which would be impossible) I would be 35 by the time the baby was born and 53 when they graduated from high school. Holy Hell NO.

Assuming lightning struck and I met Mr. Perfect, dated him for a year or so, got married, spent some time alone together and then decided to have a baby? I’d be 56-60 when he/she graduated. Sorry to be blunt, but oh fuck nooo. Not me. No thanks.

I’d rather be the young mom- and I’d rather enjoy the children I have- I just wish there were two more of them already running around, to over-protect & adore.

30 Days of Truth, Day 21

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30 Days of Truth, Day 21 – (scenario) Your best friend is in an accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

This is one of those days I’ve had to avoid for a while. It hit a little too close to home and I didn’t want to write about it. One more reason to blog… my blog= my universe. I’ve gotten 3 emails asking me to continue… ok ok ok.

My best friend died in 2002.She was 68 and incredibly important to me.

I met her in 1995… 18 years old , pregnant and living with my high school sweetheart. She became like a best friend, teacher & Grandmother all in one. She lived in the trailer next to ours and I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with our son (@ 18 years old) and mowing the lawn. I thought she was going to have a heart attack when she looked out the window and saw how pregnant I was. She came running out with lemonade and an offer to finish it for me and we were best friends from then on. She was a grandmother to our son, and our daughter 5 years later. Vera was … words fail me actually- sometimes it’s impossible to describe how important some people are in your life.

Losing her made me reconsider everything in my life.

She always worried I wasn’t happy. She always said I was doing/giving/being someone I wasn’t… too much. She was right. Her death marked the beginning of my marriage’s unraveling. I’d been planning on having lunch with her the next day- and she’d gotten mad at me the last time we talked.

V- I hate your house. I want you to sell it and move back here.

J- I know you do. I miss you too. But you don’t mean that. How about we put your trailer here?

V- I’m sorry. I love you.

J- I love you too.

She died that night.  The neighbor called me the next day. Absolutely the saddest day of my life. A day that will make me appreciate and be kind to my ex-husband forever. He came home and took care of everything that day. He helped remind me that everything would be ok. He drove me to pick out her clothes. He was there for me in the hardest moment of my life when I felt like the world had come to a screeching halt. I couldn’t understand why people still drove around and the evening news was still on. It really devastated me.

and if I hadn’t called and talked to her, she would have died being angry at me…. and I don’t know how anyone could live with that. I’ve learned a great lesson in losing Vera.

I say “I Love You” too much. I smile at everybody (ok, not all the time, but most) I give people extra change if they need it. I buy the shitty over-priced cookies from the school cookie dough fundraiser because it’s important to my daughter (even though mine are much better and an 1/8th of the cost). Because I’d rather go out on good terms with everyone and I’d rather lose someone who knows in their soul that I love them. I’d rather err on the side of loving too much, too easily and out loud.

Thanks to Vera Lou- who used to sing “My Buddy” to me on my answering machine when she missed me.

🙂

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