30 Days of Truth, Day 28

Day 28 – What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Aside from shoot myself in the face?

All joking aside, I’m only half kidding. Don’t get me wrong, I love my babies. Love them with my whole soul. I’m one of those old fashioned die-hard breastfeeding, cloth diapering super moms. I cross my t’s and dot my i’s when it comes to being a mom.

But…

I’m in the home stretch. I gave my twenties to being a mommy. I gave my perfect body to my adorable son at 18. He took it and destroyed it a little… Ouch.

24 hours of natural childbirth and a million stretch marks guarantee me a merit badge somewhere…. and he was completely worth every single painful second.

But….

I’ve worked my ass off to reclaim it and although the tummy tuck eludes me… I have amazing kids and a wonderful life to show for it. I have no regrets…

But…

If I peed on a stick tomorrow and it turned pink or blue? I’d really regret being a non-gun-toting mama.

Because I’d want a 12 gauge to the face.

30 Days of Truth, Day 27

30 Days of Truth, Day 27-  What’s the best thing going for you right now?

My sense of humor.

In a week full of chaos… I’m still laughing about it.

Have I mentioned how much I hate the snow? No? ha ha ha… yeah right. $115 to tow my car so the city plow could plow… only they didn’t. The poor lady at the tow place looked at me like I was crazy when I started laughing about it.

J- Aww well, what can you do? I’d rather pay you than walk in the snow, so I guess we can call it a stupidity payment and turn the page.

L- Oh honey, you’re going to get your feet soaked in those pretty heels, want to borrrow my boots?

J- No. Thanks though- I’m determined to avoid those things this winter. I’d rather wade to the car in heels than clunk around in boots.

Her darling husband scraped off the windows of my car, and gave me his ice scraper.

See? There’s a silver lining in every bad day. So I bought an ice scraper for $115… it could have been worse.

Throwing my neck out on my clean the hell out of the house day was especially crushing… but a little karmic. I can accept it- I just can’t turn my head to the left.

Take a muscle relaxer and wash it down with a shot of vodka, that’s what. Hello synergistic effect, thank you, it’s a pleasure to meet you again. Spend the afternoon in and out of the hot tub, thawing a delightful piece of Escolar on my neck, the most fantastic ice pack money can buy.

A little hydrocodone to take the angony away and I didn’t get a damned thing done. I could never be a pill popper, it all turns me into a veggie… and if you think life sucks and you want to feel bad for yourself?

Turn on the Lifetime channel and watch your cares slip away. Seriously, what the fuck and who the fuck is making those movies? I’ve seen nothing but rape, incest, child abuse and meth addiction for the last few hours.

I feel like the quintessential paragon of virtue after spending the afternoon watching Kirstie Alley lock people in her basement.

If you can laugh at foster children being held hostage? You’re working overtime to find something good in every moment.

Ha ha ha…. maybe that’s how she ended up on Jenny Craig. I think she ate a few of them.