30 Days of Truth, Day 16

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Day 16 — Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Oy…. I should have known better than to do all this introspection on a broken heart.

This poor man who’s found himself in the center of my crosshairs, has truly disrupted the peace in my life and I’d love nothing more than to ramble on for a few hundred words about the bone deep frustration he inspires and how desperate I am for a break from it.

Something horrible happens when you are constantly subjected to what you want and cannot have. I suppose I’m learning something from all this torture, but presently… I just feel absolutely miserable and hopeless.

I’m hardly sleeping, exercising too much, not eating and now… adding my acre garden to the already mile-long to-do list. The revenge body that will result from all this is more of a side effect than a hard-won trophy.

I’m haunted, there’s really no other way to put it.

If it isn’t his cologne, it’s his soap. The outrageously masculine heat of him is almost more than I can stand. Never in my life have I been so crippled by men’s hygiene, and I catch myself being grateful for a stuffy nose so that I have a break from the olfactory onslaught.

I could live without this. Very easily.

Watching the hands that occupy 99% of my fantasy hours do mundane shit, is next level suffering. Seeing that mouth just sit there, untouched…when I have so many delicious things to put in it, kills me.

I’m not patient. I don’t like hearing no and I hate not getting my way. Sigh… but even temper tantrums don’t help. If given the choice to avoid or see him, I always choose the latter… so I suppose I’m signing the order for my own suffering.

It makes me really sad to consider not seeing him again, but being constantly subjected to him is like sitting down for dinner with a raging appetite and my hands cuffed behind my back.

I need to get up from this miserable, unsatisfying meal and walk away.

For all of us… 🙂

30 Days of Truth, Day 13

Day 13 — A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear Taylor Swift,

I hate country music. Bone deep, hate it. I work with someone who likes it and I’ve recently been subjected to him singing it, out loud. I’m positive my ears are bleeding while he laughs and makes the most atrocious music, worse.

But.

Once upon a super dark time, I had another coworker/friend that loved you. My home life was in shambles, I was pregnant with the Dumpling, waiting tables at night and farming all day. It wasn’t the easiest times, to say the least.

Never in a million years did I think I’d look back and remember a few of your songs, fondly.

I’d walk in a half hour early to work, to hear him screeching and you screaming alongside him. It put a smile on my face, something I wasn’t able to do myself.

He’d turn it up until we got in trouble for you shaking the walls with the latest heartbreak we all could relate to. I hated him for my being able to silently sing along… but when the shit hit the fan and I was left holding the broken pieces of the bright future I thought I was building…

There you were.

With those same sad songs that tortured me into laughing during some of the scariest, darkest hours of my life.

Thank you… for the late nights I cried over and the early mornings you sang us both awake and laughing. I never thought I’d say it… but I adore you and appreciate the many times you reminded me to sing instead of cry..

xoxo J