Hurt Feelings

I had to sit and think today about the last time I had a crush on someone before this current issue.

***Disclaimer: I fell head first in love with the Dumpling’s daddy, but never had time to have a crush on him. I feel the need to defend his honor a little before completely dismissing him.

I had dinner with my favorite ex and told him how insanely frustrated I am these days.

D- Define crush.

J- What? Why?

D- I need to hear your answer.

J- Hmmm. I don’t crush much . I have to actually like who someone is, as opposed to the things I like about him. It’s a character thing for me. Who IS he. What does he KNOW. How much of a predator is he? Can he cook? Can he keep up with me? Does he have a filthy enough mouth and a wild imagination? Is he a devoted and firm father? It’s a lot. Probably Smartypants.

D- That explains the spanking fetish.

J- Ya know what? Fuck off. I’d be delighted if it weren’t so much damn work. I hate the nonsense of it all. I don’t have time for it and I am highly frustrated by the need.

D- Boys who don’t want you, give you wrinkles. You have NO business begging.

At which point, I cried. Because I know he’s right and it hurts like hell. Wanting someone who doesn’t want you back is the worst sort of self-torture and I am definitely knee deep in self loathing at this point.

I have to swallow my desperately hurt pride and close my eyes to those extremely hurt feelings.


Ho. Ho. Ho.

Merry what-the-fuck-ever.

Can we be done with this stupid shit?

Why on earth do people feel the need to dig into someone’s wounds at a time they’re already feeling horrible?

Confession: I hate Christmas. Hate it. Can’t wait until Saturday when I can throw half of the decorations away and pack up the rest in half as many boxes.

The last time I saw my son on Christmas, was 8 years ago. There really aren’t words for what that loss feels like. My baby girl talks about him constantly, like the imaginary friend we can all put a face to, but they’ve never met. I try really hard to make all the same magical moments for her, because she deserves the same… but sometimes my heart breaks while I go through the motions. If someone cut off a third of your heart, you’d bleed to death. That’s how I feel.

So let’s move on to New Year’s and feeling bad for setting the same resolutions. Sheesh. Then the joy of Valentine’s day…

I’m all about St. Patrick’s Day and Easter. Give me some Guinness, eternal salvation and chocolate eggs.



Raising a baby alone, from birth… is an epic undertaking. My eldest daughter has been my right hand, but the Dumpling has softened me. I had to take real stock of my character and pull from places I didn’t know I had. Her father has always provided for her financially since we settled things in court, and would drop everything to help me if I needed him. We are on very good terms and I consider him a dear friend. But. He’s here once or twice a year, for a week. I’ve had two nights off in 5 years.

At this point? Exhaustion is my motivation. I thrive on the last minute and I shine under pressure. I’ve finally conquered a bit of my chaos and I’m proud to admit that I’m the girl to have by your side in a shitty situation. I don’t add to anyone’s suffering, even my own. I am happy to say, I have learned a few valuable lessons. The very most important being that I don’t cause anyone harm.

I define the people I hold closest by how trustworthy they are. I have a very tight circle and I’d bury a body with any one of them….probably in my own garden. I’m a loyal friend and I safeguard and protect the people who I know to possess the same traits. Integrity is rare and I’m attracted to noble things. The man I adore is deliciously honorable. I didn’t realize that a good man would be such an arrow in the heart of my achilles. Loving someone’s character is intoxicating.

I’m fiercely protective and can honestly tell you that it is NEVER worth crossing me or mine. I used to get mad and saucy. Now I just get gone and you learn what it is to live on the dark side of the sun. My time is precious and valuable. I know exactly where I want to give my extra time to.

I have a no nonsense policy that I hold very dear, but I’ve learned to forgive and forget and move through life more peacefully. I’ve been estranged from my closest sister for a few years and I’ve missed her in our lives. I don’t like conflict and I decided to get my shit together and apologize. So I invited her to the Dumplings dance performance and we healed the huge wound in our family. Christmas is going to feel a million times better and my girls aren’t stuck in the void of angry words between the adults that control their celebrations.

Life is too short to leave the hard words, unsaid. I’m stepping wayyyyy outside of my comfort zone today and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to being a little sick to my stomach about it.

But I think of the people who died before taking the chance. The guy who was too afraid. The girl who wasn’t brave enough.

No one will ever define me that way.