When this idea occurred to me, I knew it was the equivalent of trading crack for cocaine. I wasn’t going to solve any problems by summoning the devil, but I would certainly curb the habit that’s been crippling and holding me hostage for the past year. I decided to bargain my soul for some peace, there’s really no way to sugar coat it. This isn’t a good idea but you do what you have to do when you’re desperate.
I left him a message last week.
J- Hey. Call me, I need your help with something. <click.>
He devastated me the last time I saw him. I blocked his number for a few years, in fact. He still sends me things, randomly. Pecans from Georgia, beach glass from tiny islands with white sand in faraway seas and the most scandalous underwear I own.
He is my vice parade. A walking, talking list of all my weaknesses because he wrote the menu… go figure.
Calling him is the definition of making a deal with the devil but I’m at that point. I bought a little black dress, a new lacy garter belt, a few pairs of fishnets, a body wax, spray tan and some yarn… just in case.
Sitting at work all day was borderline torture. My body feels so naked after waxing that I’m sure it’s written all over my face. I work with a man so I hope he was just oblivious enough to not notice how awkward I was all day.
I left for a spray tan and started to get sick to my stomach with nerves. Driving home, I burst out laughing because I smell like freshly baked cookies and look like hot cocoa and sex. Everything is pointing towards satisfied.
Everything except the big, huge hesitation I have sitting in my heart like a rock. I brushed it aside and drove to the Air Force Base to pick him up. I don’t have credentials so I waited for him at the visitor center, nervously picking at my fresh manicure. I saw him jump out of a truck in his flight suit, carrying an overnight bag and a bunch of roses. I shook my head at myself for the hell I was walking into for the sake of getting over my favorite man. This is gonna sting. Badly.
I walked to the door and reached for it, when he threw it open, picked me up and kissed my face all over like I do to my children. Laughing with my high heeled feet dangling in the air as he bit my bottom lip.
HG- Babydoll. I missed your pretty mouth.
He winked at me and I died a little at the deal I’d made with Satan.
I must have looked conflicted because he walked me to the passenger side of my car, opened the door and seat belted me in. I laughed and he climbed in and ripped out of the parking lot like Mario Andretti. Fly boys drive like fucking lunatics. Some men should be kept in the air and he’s the king of those men. I plugged the coordinates of our hotel into the navigation system and he reached over, slid my dress up and wrapped a tan hand around my newly brown thigh. I shook my head at him.
HG- Miss me?
J- No, actually… I didn’t.
HG- Keep telling yourself that.
I’m concerned because I’m more annoyed by him than amused or excited. Frankly I’m starving to death after being lazy and throwing some cottage cheese and fresh pico de gallo in a container this morning for lunch. A Brazilian wax makes you question the integrity of your clitoris staying connected to your body and I need a steak after what I’ve gone through to get naked tonight. I’m tired, need a shower and a hangover. Hearing him ramble on about himself makes me wish male hookers were a more readily available option.
We got checked in to the hotel and he jumped in the shower while I fought the urge to quietly leave. He must have felt it because he called me into the bathroom.
HG- Come here…
J- I can’t… my tan is still drying.
HG- Talk to me, why are you so far away. Thinking about him?
I’m a horrible liar and he can see the guilt in my face. He laughed and filled his hands with soap, reaching for the monster that hangs between his thighs. This man has the body of a thoroughbred, including the cock of a stallion. It’s my favorite dick and I’d swear it’s even bigger than the last time I saw it. He’s instantly hard and my mouth goes dry. I haven’t had sex since January. This may have been a bad call on my part. I say a silent apology to my vagina, and walk out of the bathroom as he laughs and promises to behave. Yeah, right.
We walked to the restaurant I’ve been dying to eat at and there were more roses waiting.
J- You are too much. Pulling out all the stops, huh? Why do I feel like you’re up to something?
HG- I hurt you and I’m sorry. I’m glad you gave me a chance to make it up to you.
J- Don’t get the wrong idea…
HG- Oh I know you’re only using me for my body. I’m just here to make you feel better. I owe you that. Let’s go dancing and fuck all night. Whatever you want, Babydoll, I am all yours this evening.
J- And that right there is the crux of the problem. I’m sick of being single, eternally. I want a mans dirty shoes messing up my floors. I want oversized t shirts in my laundry basket.
HG- Then why are you still playing girlfriend when you’re such a wife? What happened with this guy? I don’t understand his hesitation.
J- He’s not into me. It was casual and I caught feelings. Typical me.
HG- Well you look incredible and I’d swear you’re aging in reverse, so hang in there kid. We’ll fix this.
A tear escaped and ran down my cheek. He looked horrified and pulled me towards him while I shoved him away.
J- I am not going to cry about this right now. Let’s eat. I’m starving.
HG- Mmmm…. I can’t wait to feed you. I ordered for us, I know you love that.
He pulls my right hand towards him and licks up the center of my palm, up my middle finger and slides it deep into his mouth, sucking hard enough that my hair stands on end as he bites my fingertip.
I wish I wanted to do this as much as I thought I would. I wish I weren’t so hesitant when I thought this would be the magical cure I imagined it would be.
More than anything though… I wish he were someone else. That someone I was hoping he’d easily erase. Fuck. That tear was my heart breaking all over again that he’s not sitting beside me.
HG- It sounds like he’s a close substitute of me. Just missing a few parts and the ability to please you like I can.
I’m fiercely protective of the people I love and I’d cut a bitch for the man I adore. Enough to cock block myself on date night.
J- Ohhhh honey… he’s the man you wish you were. I called you because you have a big dick and the same name… so if I accidentally scream his, you won’t be offended. No offense.
HG- Ouch. You need to eat.
The server sets a beautiful steak down in front of me, cooked perfectly and precisely as I want. I’m enchanted, finally. He knows it and grins broadly at my satisfaction. I was starving and to be honest, exhausted after we finished dinner. I started yawning and he ordered me coffee.
HG- Dancing? Or dessert?
I’m very aware that I AM what’s for dessert and I don’t feel like a loud bar full of drunk adolescents.
HG- Let’s go.
We walked back to the hotel and he rambled on endlessly about himself. I wish I could say I kept my head in the game, but my mind was elsewhere. Walking into our room I was hit by the smell of warm roses hanging in the air and went to put them in water, kicking my heels off.
He walked up behind me and unzipped my dress. I stepped out of it and looked to see him holding my heels. Laughing, I put them back on.
HG- Those are new titties. I like ’em. Bigger, huh?
J- Yep… thanks! You’re the first to see them!
HG- So they’re mine now.
J- That’s a negative, ghost rider.
He spanked my bare ass so hard it bounced and I laughed as he pulled me towards the massive bed lit by dim recessed bulbs in the ceiling. Staring at the stark white sheets, I felt heartsick. I realized what I’d been ignoring all day and night.
I didn’t want to do this.
Not at all.
and for the first time in my life… I just went ahead and said it.
J- I’m sorry.. You are probably going to be pretty mad at me… but I don’t want to do this. My head and my heart are just not into it and I don’t want to make things worse.
HG- Lay down and close your eyes. Get out of your head and get in the moment. Let me help you…
In the past, I would have. The good girl in me wants to be agreeable and accommodating at all times.
The lady boss in me doesn’t do a fucking thing she doesn’t want to do.
I walked to where my dress was laying in a pile on the floor, pulled it on and zipped it back up. Kicking myself for walking away from the spectacular erection staring back at me.
He started stroking it and smiling at me. I grinned back at him.
J- I’m sorry.
HG- Me too. You’re in deep this time. I like this new you, though. No hard feelings. Come sleep by me.
J- Yeah, right. I’m going to go home. Thank you for dinner and objectifying me so well. I feel pretty, pampered and healthy. You’re a peach.
HG- You’re really leaving?
J- I am. Take care.
Motherfuck. I drove home in tears, hating that I knew I did the right thing for my own well being and simultaneously kicking myself for the bone-deep loyalty that’s become a real burden in my life.
This man is going to be the death of me or at the very least, the death of my sex life.
Rest in peace, you poor bald, air brushed vagina.
Sorry girl… I tried. ♥