Category Archives: Enemies

Crazy Bitch

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I swear… just when I’m sinking into delicious bliss with the man I absolutely am going to marry if I have anything to say about it…

The Cunt Bag rears her ugly head.

We had a perfect sort of lazy day. My Superman saw the exhaustion on my face and pulled me back into bed, tucked my head on his shoulder and ran his fingers through my hair until I fell asleep.

… 2 hours later I woke up to him smiling at me. My gawddd. I prayed for him. I wished on stars and rolled the dice with the wrong guy several times, always holding out faith that men like this Superman of mine really did exist.

Against all odds and proof to the contrary, I clung to my faith that there had to be a man like him…. and when I say I’m the luckiest girl on earth, I’m not kidding.

He was determined to take me out to dinner, after taking me out for lunch.

S- It’s your day off, let someone else cook.

If he weren’t standing right in front of me, helping me in the greenhouse with the thriving plants just waiting to be planted, I’d swear he were a figment of my imagination. This amazing man is honest, good & so damn everything I ever wanted… I’m speechless.

He offers strangers help. He adores & helps his mama. He pulls my garden-glove clad hands to him and kisses me. I am so incredibly happy I think I’m floating.

My stint in Doucheville has ended. He’s impeccable with his word and he makes his intentions known. He talks babies. <swoon>.  I may have dropped an L bomb last night… fuck. lol…

It’s early. Yes. It’s soon. Yes. It’s hasty. Yes. But if there were ever a man born more worth love and devotion, I’d be surprised. I thought men like this only occurred in Disney movies and soap operas.

He smiles at me and I feel like his favorite flower & flavor at the same time. Respect with a side of take-those-clothes-off.

Be still my heart… I wish all of my friends could be so lucky.

We went to dinner late, after spending a day swimming in smiles and quiet joy. Italian, my favorite- and he’s grinning at me in the truck while I bite back L bombs.

We walked into the restaurant, and there sat the Cunt Bag. Oh great. I just smiled and walked by. I don’t have time for bullshit in this blissed out existence of mine. Haters gonna hate… but they can hate the fuck off.

We laughed over dinner as he gagged over my love for bleu cheese dressing. Fast tracking this love business means we’re still getting to know each other, while fighting the urge to throw caution to the wind and make a dozen pretty babies. Insanity? Yeah… maybe. I really don’t care… when it comes to Superman I’ve thrown off the brakes. Some men are different, and god bless America, I found my anomaly.

We got up to leave and she was still there. Ugh. Some people really make you wish you were blind so you didn’t have to look at them. I averted my eyes and walked past her, down the hallway toward the exit. When I heard her shout.

A- Bye Jenni, have a good night, Jenni.

and I’m sorry… but I’ve fucking had it. She can play ass kisser in front of the idiots who’ve given her too much freedom to torture the employees that actually work, but I don’t have to take an iota of shit from her ever again.

J- Fuck you.

A- Good to see you Jenni!

J- Fuck you.

I kept walking, my back to the nightmare and my sweet Superman walking behind me… when I hear her feet stomping behind me. I feel him behind me and I refuse to sink to her bullshit level. I keep walking. I pushed the door open and walked to the truck while I heard her behind me, screaming about me having shit to talk about her and being good with my mouth. She ran into my dear boyfriend with the door to the restaurant and he stood in her way while she screamed threats at me.

A- You don’t know me, don’t touch me!

S- I’m not touching you, and you’re not touching her.

He hit the button unlocking the door to the truck and I climbed in. She went back inside and he got in next to me.

S- I’m sorry I didn’t open your door, beautiful.

J- I’m so sorry about that. She’s awful.

S- Clearly. Don’t worry about it, I would never let anything happen to you in my presence. Let’s go get a movie and go home.

♥ Love him… love his unending protection and security. I’ve never been so crazy about someone so marvelous in my whole life.

As for her? Someone’s getting a shiny restraining order and that denied unemployment I wasn’t going to contest? Yeah, I have two days left and nothing but motivation coursing through my pissed off veins.

Threaten me and you’ll learn what happens to bullies in the real world. She’s not my boss anymore, she’s nothing more than a pain in my ass that will be dealt with accordingly.

I just might sue them for wrongful termination at this point too. I’d washed my hands of that nightmare of mine, but if I’m going to have to deal with immature bullshit from someone EVERYONE hates- why not?

Like a hate song…

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It’s not very often you get to sing along while you read a hate blog… right?

Let’s just call this a special occasion, celebrating a new contributor who wishes to remain anonymous.

Everyone knows you reap what you sow… but you might as well sing while you’re reaping.

I hate you like a hate song
It’s been said and done every ugly thoughts been already sung and i guess right now here’s another one so your melody will play on and on with the worst of em’ ….
You are ugly like a  douche come alive in reality… a loser, a liar, it’s a miracle…
That you’re still alive today…
…and i want you to know BABY…

Chorus:
I, I hate you like a hate song like a hate song baby…
I .. I hate you like a hate song baby,
I..I hate you like a hate song baby…
and I wish you the worst, worst, worst, worst, worst.
I , I hate you like a hate song baby
I, I hate you like a hate song baby…
I, I hate you like a hate song baby.
and I wish you the worst, worst, worst, worst, worst.

Constantly, boy you played with my heart like a psychopath…
There’s no way to describe your depravity.
You just mess with me. That’s your move?
And it feels like I’ve been rescued. I’ve been set free.
I was hypnotized, by  dishonesty-
You’re despicable, horrible, miserable…
You are.
And I want you to know baby…

…Chorus…

Noone compares, you stand alone- to every douche bag I’ve known.
Music to my heart, that’s what stats are-
A number that climbs on…. and on…

…Chorus…

Oh my… now that THAT is a Disney channel hit I can get behind.

:)

 

Occupied

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“Don’t let someone occupy space in your heart or in your head who never deserved a second glance”- ♥

Bottom line? I knew better.

More than that? I was warned.

Worse than anything? He bought the domain name vaginahoarder.com lying next to me with the intention to sell numbered t-shirts and coffee mugs.

That should have been the last time I wasted my pretty green eyes on him…. but it wasn’t.

Call me an idiot, a glutton for punishment or tie it up neatly with a cute little humiliating bow.

It was amazing every time I was standing right in front of him. He’s thoughtful. He’s sweet and charming and you feel like the only thing on his mind… until you drive away and someone pulls in to take your place on sheets still hot from your devotion.

I got a call from a girlfriend this morning. He propositioned her last night. That’s how much my words hit home. She told me because she didn’t want me to hear it from anyone else, and what she said next really made me feel better for the first time.

S- I realized I could take advantage of him for free drinks. I knew I could flirt with him and he’d pay for my whole evening. It just wasn’t worth it because I love you and you’re amazing and he’s absolutely unforgivable.

I got off the phone and laughed. For the first time it really hit me. He’s really that awful. He’s really that worthless and he really cares that little about the sweet women that get caught up in his web.

Speaking of webs… my darling Anthony called to read me The Spider & The Fly. I seriously have the best friends, ever.

“I’m sure you must be weary, dear, with soaring up so high; 
Will you rest upon my little bed?” said the Spider to the Fly. 
“There are pretty curtains drawn around; the sheets are fine and thin, 
And if you like to rest awhile, I’ll snugly tuck you in!” 
Oh no, no,” said the little Fly, “for I’ve often heard it said, 
They never, never wake again, who sleep upon your bed!”

Mary Howitt knew him or at least of the horrible spiders he patterns his life after. So did I, for that matter- because it’s one of my favorite books. I climbed out of bed this morning and went looking for it.  Laughing over the pictures and brimming with my own life coursing through my veins while Anthony read me his favorite highlights and I watched the sun come up.

Like it or not, this arrogant man has occupied a space in my heart that I couldn’t eradicate him from. I’ve tried. I’ve dated, I’ve flown thousands of miles and still thought about him on the shores of paradise island with the man I thought would be my someday husband. I’ve done everything I could think to do, to shake this horrible crush.


The Spider turned around about, and went into his den, 
For well he knew the silly Fly would soon come back again: 
So he wove a subtle web, in a little corner sly, 
And set his table ready, to dine upon the Fly. 
Then he came out to his door again, and merrily did sing, 
“Come hither, hither, pretty Fly, with the pearl and silver wing; 
Your robes are green and purple — there’s a crest upon your head; 
Your eyes are like the diamond bright, but mine are dull as lead!”

So I should thank him, because he did what I couldn’t do. He made me hate him so much I will never look him in the face again.

I wont settle for a hoarder- ever again. I will never take his infidelity personally. I will never contribute another dollar to his existence.

More than that?

I will thrive in his absence. I will blossom in my new life and new job, surrounded by dear friends and a bunch of new ones. I’ll make getting over him look so good it’s cruel.

The difference between him and I is that I care about my character and the effect I have on people around me. I love deeply and treasure the people who respect and return those feelings. I’m not happy with myself when I sink to the level of a douche bag or a friend who would ever consider going near the guy who mopped the floor with me. Twice. I’m working my ass off to be more positive, to fill my life with good things and to be contagiously happy to the people around me. I want to be nicer. I want to steal the nasty words out of the mouths of the people who hate me. That’s my goal and he only drags me further from realizing it.

So I got hurt. So my heart got tossed into the fire, again… that’s not all that went up in flames.

He’s laughed and introduced himself as the hoarder. He’s mocked me to my face. He’s 86′d me for using his name when it’s his own damn fault everyone already knows who he is.

I was raised to write a thank you note when someone has done me a favor, and this is probably the best one anyone has ever done for me.

Dear Hoarder,

Thank you. For all the disappointment and tears I’ve wasted on you. Thank you for showing me, once and for all- that you’re not worth any of it.

Thank you for showing me who my real friends are. Thank you for showing me who isn’t. Thank you for fucking the worst of them.

Thank you for making Thomas Murray look like a nice person… you make my whole Puerto Rican nightmare lapse in good judgement look like a Make-A-Wish trip to Disneyland.

Thank you for 86′ing me from your presence. I’ve been a glutton for punishment and you’ve just saved me from myself. If you meant it as an insult, perhaps you should look in the mirror and take stock of your flawed character. I appreciate it more than a dozen roses- and let’s be honest… if you sent roses to all the women you owe them to, you’d have to sell your car to cover the bill.

Thank you, a million times over and then some. For whatever reason and perhaps it’s my own flawed character rearing her ugly head- I learn lessons the best when they hurt the most. You may have broken my heart, but you made me a fortune in the process. Hoard on, hoarder.

I loved you. I thought you were a really amazing man. Thank you for showing me how wrong I was- and thank you for not falling in love with me. I deserve so much better than you.

You may have disrespected, discounted and underestimated me… but when I insulted you? You bought the domain. I’m just sayin’…

Might I suggest a tattoo? Cause you’re kinda known for being a hoarder now, and that’s got to make hoarding a little difficult. Perhaps you should just run with it, because you clearly have a second set of balls where your soul should be.

Thank you, for showing me just how bad a man can be. Thank you for teaching me what the bottom of the barrel looks like.

Oh and you’re welcome.

Your friends like me, your dog loves me and the women you lie to, read my blog.

Good luck, and thanks again- I’d say I owe you one, but I’d rather leave you with an ironic bit of truth you don’t know about me.

My legal first name is actually Ashley.

Peace out- motherfucker- and really… go buy yourself a chin.

And now dear little children, who may this story read,
To idle, silly flattering words, I pray you ne’er give heed:
Unto an evil counsellor, close heart and ear and eye,
And take a lesson from this tale, of the Spider and the Fly.

Phew… ouch.

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I climbed back in bed yesterday and pulled the covers over my head…. desperate to get away from the reality of what I’d seen the night before. Absolutely tempted to bleach my eyeballs.

But it hurt bad enough already- and with the friends I’ve got? It’s only a matter of time before it happens again.

I choose to remove myself, instead.

Watching my best friends fuck the guy who absolutely broke my heart? Horrible. Absolute torture. I can get past a lot… but not that. Loyalty isn’t negotiable with me, and I cut people out of my life like cancer if their actions are less than genuine.

That whole “screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me” thing? No. When it comes to me,  “screw him once and you’re dead to me”. Cut and dried, because that’s how it is.

When your friend has been through hell with a guy… when she still flinches at the sight of him… and when you’ve seen it repeatedly and heard her cry about it? Yeah… no. I don’t care if he’s Brad Pitt. I love me some Taye Diggs- but I’d shut the door in his beautiful face if he were “that” guy to any of my friends.

Thou shalt not fuck the guy who fucked with your girlfriend. It’s just that simple to me and if I have a friend that doesn’t feel that way? It wont be for long.

But…

Like any open wound, even cutting something out of your life that isn’t healthy- still hurts, horribly.

I loved her like a sister. I confided in her… about him especially. My daughter loved her. Being hit with it and watching him smile at me when he realized I put 2 & 2 together? Nauseating… positively sickening.

But…

It’s temporary. She’s in for it, that’s for sure. At least she knows after listening to me cry about him. The difference being I wont be there when she’s on the receiving end of his lackluster betrayal.

One of my very closest friends showed up last night to pull me out of my misery. As I dissolved in front of her, she put her hands out and offered me real friendship when I needed it most.

♥- I understand exactly where you’re at. He pays attention. He listens. My one date with him was amazing.

She started to detail their date and I started to choke on my own pain because it’s so familiar.

Ultimately I’m off the hook. I never have to see either of them again. I can eliminate the problem, the mutual space and the friends of mine that disregard my feelings.

I’m changing the things I can, while having the wisdom to throw the rest of his bullshit in the fire.

I’m drawing a line in the sand. Out loud. You’re either with me, or against me. You’re either with him, or me. I have the most amazing girlfriends in my life- I don’t have room, time or inclination to keep anyone who would entertain the idea of disrespecting me or stand idly by while someone else does. You are what you eat. Act like it.

Oh? You want to play STD roulette with the hoarder? Huh. By all means, enjoy- and sorry about your bad luck. I’m a much better friend and a far more formidable enemy.

Relax. You’ll never have to worry about me jumping a fence to crash your date. You want that? Have that. Bag it up though… because if you thought mice were dirty…

Not only will I not demean myself by forcing him to acknowledge how much he’s hurt me? I wont give anyone a second thought who would give him a moment of their time.

So the next time your kids are sick, or you are? Call him. See what happens.

The next time you need a ride home, to work, or need to cry about your bad day? Call him.

Hungry? Sad? Lonely and crying the PMS blues? Oh please… if you ever loved me…

Call the hoarder and experience for yourself what it feels like on the dark side of the moon.

He didn’t answer? Your best friend is smiling sweetly at him instead of at you? You can’t believe what you’re seeing?

Weird.

Oh and good luck- you’ll need it.

Well that and antibiotics. lol… and I hope every single tablet sticks in your throat a little to remind you of the high cost of being a whore of a friend.

Oh and may peace be with you, because you may as well have peace if you don’t have class.

Sorry about your bad luck…

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I’m fed up with stupid people. I’m annoyed by idiots.

More than anything? I’m inconvenienced by the ignorant and I’m frustrated enough to vent a little.

I’m blissfully happy these days. Drowning in domestic bliss and completely sunburned from hours in the dirt and doing facials with my daughter and her best friend after their school dance.

Pizza and giggles. Aunt MSOK came over to do her hair magic and the two of us giggled in the middle of my acre of dirt. Holy shit it’s huge. She loves my design. I love her.

Life is made so much better by the friends that mean the most. She’s more than my friend, she’s my sister. She knows everything there is to know… even the big stuff. Even the stuff you don’t tell anyone…. and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I drive her insane whining about the same guy, and she works overtime to listen and burn his bridges to the ground- with truth.

Life is about spending it with people that love you, not people that judge you. I don’t have time for anyone who chooses to wear their judgy panties. No time at all… those bitches can hang out with the hoarders. They deserve each other.

That said. I’m about to get a little mad and a lot honest.

To my single friends. It’s very simple if you want to keep him/her.. It’s all about making them wonder if you like them or not. That’s all it is. Don’t respond to phone calls or texts. Don’t have sex with him or her. Torture them with your feigned disinterest based indecision… and wa-la! They’re all yours.  Yeah… fuck that tragic bit of post-highschool histrionics. I like sharks. I like men who see something they want and actively pursue it. I like men that value having exclusive rights. In other words… we have to play the crazy manipulative stalker card or we lose? No. Give me a skilled hunter gatherer, thanks.

Anytime, anywhere… as a woman… when you’re treated like a cheap paper napkin from the KFC drive-through? It hurts.When your sensitive lightweight napkin self has to continually float through his presence… it’s even worse. The moral of the story? If he treats you like a shitty napkin… look at him for the disease carrying controlled substance he is/should be. Wash your hands… with bleach. Pour the rest of the gallon in the bathtub and climb in. Sorry about your bad luck- you should have listened to that snake charmer story more closely…. because you’ve officially been charmed… by a snake. Until it’s on Facebook? It’s not real. Sorry about your bad luck again- if you’re not given the public nod? It’s because there are other women on his FB that he bangs… or wants to.

To the lady at the gas station, bank, bar, grocery store…etc… that hates me because I’m thinner, prettier, etc…than them. Fuck you. I was 265 lbs at my heaviest and I worked my ass off LITERALLY. I’d like to get back down to my goal weight because I enjoy the attention. So there. That’s honest. Wanna be hotter? Lose weight. Wanna open a new page on the menu? Don’t eat dessert, don’t have a drink and run to the grocery store instead of drive.

Nobody said it didn’t suck- and trust me, you’ll end up hating those naturally skinny bitches ten times more. Think about it though. They’re sober, exhausted and they date the worst of the worst of the douche bags because the GQ model guys are the biggest assholes of all time. Popped collar? No. In fact I think I threw up in my mouth a little just typing that. Beyond all that, don’t be a bitch. Don’t glare at me because you’re jealous. Sorry about your bad luck, try harder and FYI- Haterade is high in calories. Kick the habit, or better yet? Love yourself enough that you don’t have to hate anyone else because you don’t. Fix it or flaunt it- or fuck right off.

To my unhappily married friends… where do I even begin… oh I know. Leave each other the fuck alone. The rest of us are tired of hearing you bitch about it. Sorry it didn’t work out, sorry you hate each other now SHUT THE FUCK UP and break up already. Sorry he cheated, sorry you did, sorry you both ARE. I DON’T CARE!!! I shovel my own snow. I haul my own trash. I manage. I don’t love it and I’d love to be some spoiled chick with auto start and a heated driveway- but I’m not. So I shut up and do it. The same goes for marriage. If you signed on for eternal financial security and sex on demand- QUIT BITCHING. If you don’t want to sign on anymore, then sign the fuck out. It’s that simple. If you’re torturing each other you are wasting years of your lives being unhappy. More than that? You’re torturing the fuck out of everyone around you. Spare us if you don’t give a shit enough about yourselves anymore. Don’t fool yourself- we all think of ways to avoid hanging out with you because of it. Sorry about your bad luck, call a divorce attorney and end your marriage before your friends DIVORCE you. We’re over it.

To the shitty bosses… and really? Nothing is more disappointing. You miss spelling bees, dance recitals and your baby losing a tooth- only for the tooth fairy to have to fly to Grandma’s. You miss priceless moments in your life for these assholes and it doesn’t mean a thing. You’re the means to an end and just another name on the payroll. If you never came to work again, they wouldn’t notice. The hypocritical men and women that abuse the power they hold in being able to decimate your financial security. The boss that gossips and talks about the weight of his employees. The one that closes his eyes to it all. The one that is an overpowered monster and looks for your vulnerabilities.  The one who propositions you sexually. The one that drinks on the job. The one that makes everything worse when he’s on the floor. The one that hits on the customers. The one that doesn’t respect you enough to move out of your way. We’ve all had one. We all know “that” guy.

I’m sorry about your bad luck, it’s the social network/blog age and if you don’t treat people kindly or with some modicum of respect? They can have an opinion about that could make you look like the…well… jerk you are. As they say- opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. Unfortunately for the bad guys? Opinions are a lot louder now than they used to be. Fortunately- there’s a very simple way to solve all this. Be kind. Be appreciative. Be understanding and be considerate of how your choices affect the lives of others. Be thankful for the people who make your dreams come true, because in the end it wont matter how much money you made- it will matter what kind of character you built.

Come on… be less annoying and be more happy. ♥ Happy beats being pissed off, every time.