Category Archives: Family

Vice Parade

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6

Ok so I’m a creature of comfort. I like it. Domesticity=heaven in my book. Making breakfast in heels and panties makes me happy.

A wannabe pin-up for sure. I’d put my hair in pigtails if it wouldn’t risk ruining the perfect eggs.

Looking at the day ahead and breathing, finally. Itching to go for a run in the fog.

Cleaning the kitchen… emptying the dead food from the refrigerator and deciding to sink into my own little parade of vices.

So I iron a dress, and curl my hair. Fake lashes, the whole nine. Why not. I feel better and nobody needed to see me for the past week- I’m starving and there’s nothing to eat. Hell I might even go to two stores, or even three. I love grocery shopping. Love it. Especially at Super 1 after my whole Mr. Flintstone crush.

Call it a retail high, or my Mormon roots shining through… but I go down every aisle, happily. I curled my hair for this, I’m gonna enjoy it!

First things first, a dozen roses. Fuck Valentine’s day this year, period. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to be tortured by the displays and not see roses in my kitchen. Nope. That’s the beauty of being a self reliant, single woman. $15 is cheap to avoid another boyfriend.

Olive bar… oh gawddd… this is gonna be one of those days. Prawns, fresh basil, grape tomatoes, fresh mozzarella pearls…prosciutto and marinated artichoke hearts. Be still my heart.

Pizza… bacon… and my favorite little Ham & Swiss Lunchable. Oh my. You absolutely CAN buy happiness.

This girl intends to feed this broken heart until it’s full again. Emotional eating? Absolutely- don’t judge.

Fresh tuna, lobster tails, wasabi and baby fingerling potatoes. Everything to make Husband soup. Inoki mushrooms, praise God.

Rootbeer, vanilla ice cream… and everything to bake myself into the white zone.

Two bottles of Sauvingnon Blanc and a bag of beef jerky… because I’m still that pathetic broken hearted girl and it reminds me of him. I’m being honest. Ugh. Ouch. Time to get baking.

Dicing vegetables is zen. I’m meticulous. I have to have perfect little square potatoes, and they have to be fairly uniform. I don’t like haphazard soup… and I enjoy the process. Washing mushrooms and peeling carrots. Making the dough for the noodles and diving deep into my favorite things to save myself.

I’m sad, and it’s awful- and I miss him… and I know that I just have to miss him from now on… and it sucks when you know you just have to survive it, because the pain is not going to end until you let it. It was so right… so incredibly everything I ever wanted… and it’s confusing how it all ended and it’s hard having him hate me. How’s that for truth. Ugh.

Making noodles makes me feel ridiculously attractive. Funny huh? I’m the sexiest noodle making old fashioned girl on the block, lol. I like doing things the old fashioned way. I love making it from scratch. I’m Jenni Crocker Stewart on overdrive, consider this my public service announcement. Y’all are about to gain some weight if you stop by.

Why not make bread if I’m making noodles, right? Sure. Honey whole wheat rolls, for my daughter to pack for lunch this week too. If this nightmare has taught me anything, it’s to stick to my core values and true feelings. I knew something was wrong when he wasn’t waiting for me at the airport. I’m a fucking hypocrite if I tell my kids to listen to their heart and ignore my own. I ignored some red flags here and there because it was just so good. Funny and intimate and amazing. Until it wasn’t. I’m really determined to be thankful for the good moments because the pictures make me smile and the memories are priceless in knowing what it feels like to have someone be wonderful to you. It’s a hell of a story, if nothing else.

My life is a damn movie, lol…

Complete with Puerto Rican Police and being roofied. Word. Come on, laugh with me about it. I’m still in shock. A week ago today I was walking in the rainforest with him, so in love and so sad to be leaving him I dissolved into tears all day. It was fantastic and I am thankful for the memories.

Bake, woman… stop thinking… grating lemons, melting butter… mmmm…. Meyer Lemon Bars.

Fresh pesto with the basil I bought… Mmm the house smells amazing. My bread is rising, my noodles are drying and the broth is simmering lightly on the stove.

Success. Grin. Let the fun begin.

A delightful cigarette before filling a glass of wine… and a bubble bath with my favorite coconut scented bubbles. Scrub my feet and shave my legs… anything to get rid of this tan that is a constant reminder that I just got back. Bruises here and there. My aching heart. It all just sucks to go through. Haven’t I done this enough already? Haven’t I learned my lesson? What the fuck is wrong with me and my judgement? Seriously.

He’s more worried about how I portrayed him than the fact someone put something in my drink… while telling me I don’t know what real love is. To be honest, I think he’s right. I don’t know what it is… but I do know what it’s not.

This is a prime example of what real love ISN’T. Perhaps it could have been, but without faith, love doesn’t stand a chance.

I have an hour before I have to shape my dough into rolls… and I’ve avoided my knitting because I’ve been too depressed. Knitting makes me happy and I have brand new fuzzy brown yarn. Within a few stitches I’m at ease. Calming down. Breathing deeply and allowing myself to miss him even though it’s gone so horribly south. It’s a lot to deal with in a week and I’m still reeling. Nevermind the impact of the climate change on my body, my whole world has been turned upside down and I have been in both heaven and hell in the last 7 days. I don’t recommend it.

This darling little bunny face is shaping himself in my hands and I’m wistful. He wanted me to knit him something and I naturally start. I’m so ridiculously predictable it’s sad, lol. I’ll make him for myself and it will be a reminder that I shouldn’t do too much. Cute little seed stitch ears, a little pink nose… he’s adorable already and he’s simply a decapitated bunny head. Sitting down to quietly make something with your hands, even if it’s nothing more than folding rags into squares is soothing, routine, and peaceful.

Sunday cleaning, fresh fluffy towels in the bathroom and clean sheets on my little darling’s bed. Fluffy white socks, a freshly washed blanket and one of many glasses of wine needed to face this day. Stupid shows about weddings… ya know- cause that’s what you watch when you want to wallow in your breakup.

Because ultimately… if it can work out for that crazy bitch on the TV?

It can definitely work out for you.

Cheers… and give me a call if you’re hungry :)

Dear Dad…

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20

Smiling to my toes and happy… I got ready for work with the music blasting, dancing through the house between the bathroom and my bedroom looking for something to wear. High on love and anticipation.

Make-up done, hair in pigtails… and my phone rings. My little brother!!! I love him the best and we connect even though we didn’t grow up together. I answer and he’s quiet.

B- I have bad news. Dad died.

Time stops for a second when you hear this sort of news. Everything seems too loud….and I have 20 minutes to get to work. Totally and completely in shock and facing a busy night with the BCS Championship game on.

I was on autopilot all night. Coasting through a packed restaurant and somehow ending up with all the little tables. Thank God too, because I’m definitely not very chipper. Everybody was happy and watching the game, so it was easily managed chaos all night. My last table was my favorite Ms. Sassypants- who I’ve missed. I swear she tipped me more than the total of her tab, lol… I sat down at the bar with a beer and sunk into it finally. Grief… such an overwhelming feeling.

I met my Dad for the first time when I was 8 years old. I’d asked my mom if I could meet him and we were visiting family in Utah. He agreed and we had lunch at Wendy’s. First time I ever had a chocolate frosty and a cheeseburger. He didn’t know we were vegetarians and didn’t ask what I wanted. My only clear memory beyond the food was that nobody said anything. Super awkward… and we parted with a wave. He sued my mom for custody a month later, and won holiday visitation with me every year. Spring break, summer vacation & Christmas.

I remember it being a strange feeling to see someone that I looked so much like, and didn’t know. I was never comfortable with him, ever. He just never really was my dad. My dad was the one who drove me to school and baked my birthday cake.

He blessed me with a brother and two sisters that I love more than anything. He gave me another mom in my siblings mother. Then he divorced her and never took care of any of us ever again. No child support, no call on your birthday. Nada. King Deadbeat.

There’s really no other way to put it. These are facts…

I bought myself a ticket to go see him when I was sixteen. It was Christmas, and I missed my siblings and knew he’d have them for the holiday. He spent the entire time with his girlfriend and I left and went to stay with my Aunt instead. He never forgave me for it.

I tried to mend things with him after my son was born, about 4 years later. We stopped by my grandparents house for a visit and he spent a half hour calling himself Grandpa to a two year old that clung to my thigh and eyed him warily. For good reason, considering it was the only time he ever saw him.

He never met my daughter. I sent pictures when she was born, and we sent him a Christmas package. I sewed him a quilt, and tried one last time to salvage some sort of relationship with him. Something about the birth of my own children made me want to fix everything. He said he never got it… but the confirmation came through that he had. I’m not sure why he’d lie about it… but he did… and it was the last straw.

I wrote him one last letter, and never spoke to or saw him again. I told him about all the holes his absence left in my childhood, and about the dad I made up to tell people because he was so unmentionable. I gave all the hurt and the pain and disappointment every kid with a deadbeat dad can empathize with- back to him. I told him how much I hated him for what he made my mother go through & thanked him for my promiscuity and early entry into parenthood.

Not necessarily what every dad wants to read, and certainly not entirely his fault on every level… but I went above and beyond to hurt him in return.

I never heard from him again…. so those angry hurtful words are the last thing my dad heard from me. He was 56, and died alone, when he had four of the most loving people in the world as his children. Talk about the definition of tragic.

I’m too happy and too much in love to be angry or hurt by him anymore. I feel sorry for him more than anything, and I wish I’d left him with nice words in his heart instead of the rant he got. He deserved it- for sure- but on a personal level it’s hard to fathom that there’s not time to fix it anymore. He’s gone, never having been my dad… or my children’s grandfather.

I can’t mourn him like I should because I don’t have any way of knowing what a loss it is.

So I’m tossing words on up to heaven… or down to hell if that’s where he ended up. I’m on the fence about either place but if the rumors are true and you have to be virtuous to get in? He’s heading south. Sorry, but it’s true.

Dearest Dad,

Whoa… time ran out, huh? I didn’t see that coming, and I’m sorry that you died alone like I told you I hoped you would. It could have been so different, and I’m sorry you died with so many things left undone and so many apologies left unsaid.

You missed all of your children’s weddings. All three of your daughters were given away by someone else. You didn’t know any of your seven grandchildren, many of whom look like you. I am so sorry for you that you missed so much.

Thank you for our beautiful smiles- that look just like yours. Thank you for the strength you taught all of us in not being reliable. Thank you for the fine examples of women you gave us by forcing our mothers to raise us alone. You had amazing taste in women, truly.

You fed me steak and crawdads for the first time. Thank you- I love both ♥  You taught me how to fish in the summer and spent days in the sun chasing lizards with us at Flaming Gorge. You were a pretty awesome Disneyland dad when you wanted to be. You bought me my first designer jeans… bright red even. You spoiled me rotten when I was in front of you, and you always told me you loved me.

More than anything though… you get out of life what you put into it. You taught me to love out loud and sincerely, and to follow up my words with actions because integrity is rare.

Though you didn’t help much in the shaping of who I’ve become, you gave me life and the tools I needed to make mine a happy one. I love you- and I hope your soul is at peace.

Eleven lessons learned…

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To say I’ve had a hard year is like saying Bernie Madoff only borrowed a few bucks.

I’ve spent enough money on water that I could have bought a new car. A nicer car than I drive… lol

I’ve dated King Douchebag…  and several of his minions. To be compared to Nathan Steinbauer means you’re worthless, for all the minions that read my blog, and yes, I mean you- if I haven’t told you to your face <yet>, you were a total waste of my time. ALL of you.

But…

In making mistakes you gain wisdom… and I’m sharing my favorite eleven lessons I learned this year….

1. Men don’t lie. Boys do… and generally because they’re compensating for <cough> failures in other areas. Especially the men with equipment failure. Dude… we notice- FIX it. In this day and age, it’s just sad not to. If it’s not a problem with your dick, just that you are one? You serve a purpose in teaching all of us how to avoid you. Way to be an anti-role model. Way to aim low.

2. Marriage isn’t captivity unless you marry the wrong guy, and then it’s a life sentence. I swore I’d never do it again- but I’ve learned precisely why people get married recently. When you love someone so much that you want to be the only one privy to their heart? You lock it up. I claimed wife status again tonight after a customer was being rude.

DB- Nice rock, did your sugardaddy give you that?

J- No, my husband did, but maybe I’ll call him that later and see how he likes it.

DB- Hey I’m sorry, no offense to you or your husband. He must really love you.

J- I’m the lucky one, thank you.

DB- It’s cool when it works out like that. I’m divorced.

Shocker… lol… he was actually really cool after that- and apologized again. All I needed for him to respect me, was a husband. <eyeroll>

3. Any bad day can be fixed. Drop your clothes at the door and dance in your heels & panties with me to a little Biggie Smalls Hypnotize… I promise you’ll feel better.

4. Tomorrow really is always a new day. I’ve juggled so many damn bills this year it’s scary- and if I can do it, anyone can. If you’re willing to make the effort, you can pull it off, some way, some how. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy… well… yeah I would… cause it sucks… and I got a brand new pair of bitch panties for Christmas. It’s never too late to learn to stand up for yourself- and it only pisses off the people accustomed to taking advantage of you.

5. Fleas are forever… these damn dogs will be the death of me, I swear- or at least the cost of the Advantix.

6. People who rent say “NO PETS” for a reason. If you thought you didn’t love anyone’s children as much as yours, try loving a dog who requires that you pick dog hair off the milk carton IN the refrigerator. I rest my case. Want me to love your dog? Vacuum up the fucking hair. Every day, like it needs to be, but I shouldn’t HAVE to do.

7. Wear repellent. Want to scare off the douche bags? Put your favorite diamond on. Now when they smile and say “Ohhh holy shit, she’s married and what a rock” … I can laugh and say… “No…. What. A. Man.” It doesn’t matter it’s not from him. It doesn’t matter that I’m not married. My boyfriend is so good, that no one else will do…now that’s a job well done.  What matters is that men do have a healthy respect for the fact I’ve gleefully taken myself off the menu, and clearly- I’m expensive. Bonus- I get to wear something sparkly & pretty. Two birds, one rock, Amen.

8. Don’t shit where you eat. Now you’d think I’d have already learned this one, but what can I say… he was charming and attentive and I fell for his hoarding bullshit game. I’m reminded what a mistake it was every single time I have to run into him again. What was I thinking…. ???? More importantly, wtf was he thinking? It takes a whole new level of stupid to disrespect the girl writing the words your friends are reading. Read ‘em and weep, Hoarder- and hey… pick yourself up a tshirt while you’re at it.

9. Thou shalt not borrow without asking. Especially if it’s something of mine. I don’t share. I don’t have to, and I don’t want to. I’m nice enough that I’ll probably say yes if you ask, but I’d rather not. All bets are off if you make the decision for me and take something without asking… that’s right up there with pouring lighter fluid from the bottle into an open flame… you will get burned. I’m a huge fan of painful consequences.

10. Asking for help when you need it is the most grown up thing you can learn how to do. I die trying to do everything myself… and sometimes end up in a bigger mess as a result.  Help… my least favorite four letter word… is the one I need to learn most.

11. Real friends are priceless. These are the friends that don’t touch your things… regardless of whether we’re talking about men, makeup or your favorite sweater. Yes, as a matter of fact… I do expect them to hate the people I hate. Nobody’s  holding a gun to your head, but if you’re one of my true friends, you will know exactly how that sort of loyalty feels in return. I’m the one that helps you bury the body, but if you betray me? Brace yourself. It’s cold on the dark side of the moon, and you may as well move there because I do not forget and I do not forgive. I wont hate you- but if you were on fire and I was holding a glass of water? I’d drink it.

Rough year… holy shit… but it’s only getting better. I have amazing friends, amazing Love and a family that makes the chaos of it all, worthwhile. My family is still broken, but the details are falling into place and life is about to get easier. Hopefully at some point I’ll be able to say the same about the fracture in our family. Until then, we will strive to be happy.

My New Year started with a message of my favorite variety, and I’ve been smiling since.

It’s a good sign.

It’s going to be a good year…

Happy New Year, y’all… I hope you all have the same love in your life that I woke up to, on the first day of the new year. I already like this year better.

♥

Down memory lane…

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He came walking in about a half hour before I got off work. Smiling, blonde and beautiful… in a suit.

………………………………

I admit. I have a weakness. If you can tie your own tie, the chance of you tying me up increases exponentially.

A man in dress shoes… makes me blush.

I grew up in Hippieville… I remember the few times I saw a man in a suit and I’ve always been a fan. Give me a clean cut man with a silky soft beautiful neck above his collar? Dear God…

Who need diamonds at that point…???

Not I…

So Mr. Pin Stripe walked in and sat down, smiling. head tilted slightly back. Sharky… I know it when I see it.

P- I’d like a blonde… or your lightest…

Told ya so.

He leaned across me at nearly 6’5″ to put the aprons in my menus….

I mean….

Yeah…

That’s what it was like.

He leaned over me, his necklace fell an inch above my lips and I was enveloped by his cologne…

I sat back on the table behind me and he leaned in…

Good God and Baby Jesus there is nothing better than a good smelling man. Seriously.

…………………………

I laughed and smacked him in the shoulder.

J- Damn you, my boyfriend is out of town, don’t torture your sweet server. Be nice.

P- I’d love to be nice…. out of town huh? What time are you off work?

Sometimes it’s nice to just sit back, smile… and laugh a little at how easy it can be. I spent years frustrated. I spent years unsatisfied.

and now it’s as easy as ordering off a menu and I don’t want it.

I only want one… and nothing else will do.

I can be charming. I’m a flirt. I’m funny, and I’ll make you want to smile along with me. Trust me. I know this about myself.

I’m the insatiable optimistic sister. Smart enough to know better and old enough to recognize real love. Lethal combo if you ask me…

I went on blind dates with my friends loser single friends. Ugh…. I’ll forever remain on three holiday cookie lists purely due to the aftermath of the blind dates they set me up on. Ugh. If you wouldn’t date him yourself, don’t set your dear girlfriend up with him. Seriously. There’s a reason I’ve never set a friend up with a guy. If he’s cool- then I probably wanted to date him myself and if he’s not then I don’t want either of us to waste our time.

I want all of my darling favorite women to find their “lobster”….

because I found mine….

Bestie to the rescue ♥

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It’s not much of a secret that I’ve been dreading Christmas.

Between working my feet off… literally… they hurt to walk on… and barely having a budget to buy presents with… I’ve lost my Christmas sparkle. Stepping on an ornament yesterday did not make things better.

The shine has gone off the tinsel, to put it mildly… and this has always been my strong point.

I’m the queen of holidays… Miss Crafty, herself. I sew, knit and bake my loved ones into oblivion. I’m known for it.

I’ve got this… or do I?

Nope. Sure don’t… or didn’t… and it hit me like a freight train yesterday. Everything that could go wrong? Did. Down to the details that have been so perfect.

I fizzled… I sputtered…and I crashed and burned… with nothing more than puffy eyes and a broken heart to show for it.

Oh and I forgot to do the grocery shopping in the midst of my crazy Christmas shopping, all done in the last two days before the dreaded holiday. I looked at my little princess and uttered the phrase no parent wants to…

J- Uh oh… we have to go to Walmart.

Otherwise known as the evil empire in our house, and for damn good reason.

Which is precisely when my Mr. Bestie showed up, smiling…. and if there’s anyone I should have done some sewing for? It’s him. I should have made the man a cape- because I was ready to melt down when he showed up.

J- Oh boy! Guess who gets to go shopping with us?

B- Awesome, I need cat food- lets go.

Only to have my darling tattoo diva show up too. ♥ Friends make the whole world brighter when you’re just about to throw in the towel. I’ve been missing her, and some people just spread love with their own presence. She listened to me cough and asked where my tea was. I showed her… and she burst out laughing….

Apparently I don’t drink a lot of tea, because one box expired in 1997 and the other in 2000. My tea is damn near the same ages as my children…. lol…

We added tea to the list of groceries and left, facing the unthinkable. The evil empire just minutes before they closed for the holiday. Oy.

If that isn’t a friend- I don’t know what is.

It really wasn’t so bad, and my little princess loves him to bits so we spent what could have been the worst 30 minutes of the holiday season, giggling and counting all the other people shopping in jammies.

Champagne & my favorite orange juice with pineapple… random groceries… and a reminder to be thankful.

Walmart really does have everything.

Rushing home to get ready for Santa… only to see my darling Miss Lovely drive in.

There are no accidents, and though I say it constantly… I really have the best friends a girl could ask for. She slipped off her stilletos and got her dance on with us. This Wii dance habit of mine is contagious. ♥

We have a few long standing traditions. We read Twas the night before Christmas & The boy who laughed at Santa Claus- every year, just like my mama did for us. We open one present- which is always new Christmas jammies. I tucked her into bed, absolutely comforted by her sweet little girlie-ness, which is the only cure my heart can feel in a moment I’m missing her brother so much.

Facing another year of solo-Santa… with aching feet and a heart so heavy it hurts to breathe.

I realize I create my own hell, because I’ve always done this whole bit alone. My ex’s could tell you horror stories of me falling into bed just minutes before the kids wake up… purely because I have a bone deep need for it to be JUST right.

Do they need another stuffed animal? No… but there needs to be something cute and snuggly with an arm hanging out of the top of the stocking. A pomegranate in the toe. Too much candy that none of us eat and presents I would NEVER buy. Silver sparkly eye shadow for the child I absolutely will not allow to wear makeup, video games I’ve said no to…

You get the idea.

I go big… and I barely make it to bed before the raw excitement of Christmas wakes my little darlings up. This year I’m down to one darling- but it’s no exception.

I found the mustache socks she wanted so badly and I can hardly wait to see her open them. I’m itching to put her stocking together… and she was STILL awake at midnight… then 1… ugh… Mommy Claus is exhausted.

BUT. My worst fear every year is that I’ll fall asleep and forget to put it all together, and this year is no exception.

I turned on my favorite channel… Investigation Discovery… because there’s nothing like murder to make you feel more festive.

<told you I was in a rough mood>

Finally the baby slept… and I walked to my room to drag out all the stuff I’ve been hiding in the strangest of places, with my dear Bestie laughing all the way. Climbing on my bed with our stockings, and one for the dogs, he sat down next to me… and helped.

Something so simple as ten minutes spent laughing and shoving dog & cat food into the dogs stocking… mustache socks & etc for the princess… and…

OH SHIT.

My stocking…

FML… guess who forgot to buy shit to put in her own stocking?

Yours truly, Ms. Claus.

Thank God for my knitting habit, because the child will never know that the yarn I stuffed in there wasn’t new… <and she didn’t!>

More than anything? Thankful I’m not doing it alone this year and so thankful my dear friend who could be anywhere else, and instead is laughing with me over the fact that mustaches are trendy again, then reallllllly laughing as I bit the ends off all 8 carrots she put out for the reindeer. He helped me eat the cookies… and drew the line at drinking the egg nog.

Everyone has their limits, lol :)

On a very hard day- I had a very clear reminder that life goes on- and even when it feels like the whole world has gone out?

Tomorrow is always another day- and you can completely change someone’s worst day just by being there.

Oh and by eating those gross white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookies we made for Santa.

Now THAT is a good friend.