Category Archives: Farming

Set my thoughts adrift…

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She wears one of my favorite symbols…The bee… a sign of resurrection and natural potential…. The symbol of Kings… and the loving seal of Napoleon when he wrote letters to Josephine… She wears them with pride… they are beautiful tattoos…and I’m a huge admirer of them…

The incredible persona that is Jenni is who I’d like to fill this space with…she fills the roles necessary to make the world seem right… she’s a mother, a cook, a farmer, a lover, a beautiful temptress, a wildcat, both in the sack and out of it….she’s a tempting bit of Mormon-meets-Catholic yet in the wild ways all boys love to hear but really don’t want to know….beware of the claws… in a moment of passion they can drive through your shirt like it’s soft icecream on a midsummer’s day…

Jenni is a girl who sets my thoughts adrift… creative bits of small emails litter our respective inboxes with tidbits about the day’s ability to break a person down.  She and I share addictions….we are addicted to the opposite sex…however, our selection process is very different…  I look for life….vivacious…mezmerizing…..  She, on the other hand, looks for vice, for Mr. Now wmixed with a possibility of lasting a couple of weeks, but those boys aren’t strong enough to work with the tools God gave them to shape something that could be a beautiful relationship.

So what is it that Jenni craves?  My view is pretty simple…  She craves what all humans crave….appreciation.  Honestly at times she’s more than a little drama filled, yet I can’t take my eyes off the impending crash that is coming.  The boys that she chooses are more about her personal eye candy than what they will do for her.  Her real type of man?  Strong, clean lines, takes care of himself and shows pride in what he does.  He’s a little angry but he’s too mysterious to let you know what he’s angry about.  She deserves something different….she deserves something that shakes her foundation to the core and allows her to realize she’s got what many others don’t have…  she has vision of what she could be.  I’ve seen more stories about men who have treated this girl in such a dire wrong way, that I want to beat the fuck out of them and go nap to rest my weary arms then pummel them once more to show her she’s worth the effort to stand up for… 

If you say that she’s not craving appreciation, but she’s craving something less than that, I’ll let you know that anyone in this day and age can go out to any bar out there and hook up for the sake of hooking up.  Jenni is not some dime-a-dozen kinda girl.  They just don’t grow on trees like this one.  She’s got a lot of people from my blog reading her material and living vicariously through her dating adventures.  Me?  I’m on the opposite side of the fence…  She needs someone strong enough to hold her….restrain her from the ways that I’m so guilty of myself and allow her to relax and feel like she’s worth so much more than the moment of ecstasy in sex….she’s the kind of girl who wants the adventure that’s never been afforded to her.

She’s at the razor’s edge with me…  I’m a guy who will tell you how I feel and I’m sad on one hand and I’m excited on the other.  She’s got the drive that I love…always on the go with a fire and some drive in her….she dresses like I can appreciate the figure underneath the clothes…the men she has chosen?  Well they’ve stripped her dignity along with her boat, her finances, and her hope.  I want to  give her all of those things.  You should help her rebuild hope too… 

I am capable of being all things to nearly all women.  I’m never sure if I’m going  to hurt a girl or not, but one thing I have down pat…..she’s going to feel like she’s the most important woman in my amazing life.  That’s the kind of love that she deserves….someone soft…and if she complains a little about going to slowly or being a bit bored, be a man and give her the attention she seeks and then return back to the person who starts his night by asking her to come closer….leaning in ever-so-softly and telling her, she’s beautiful in a voice barely distinguishable to make the words hit the hardest impact on her soul….it’s her soul that needs the love and attention…it’s her mind and ego that deserves to be loved ever so gently. 

She works so hard to have so little.  She reminds me of how I am….a lot of heaven mixed with a smidgen of hell.  I love her attitude and she’s not my ideal Mormon version of purity, but she’s got something most girls don’t have and that’s a ton of heart.  She gives and wants to please and be accepted for the incredible person she is.  She makes me smile by simply reading her thoughts on paper and wishing that I could be there to wipe away her tears.

Sure she’s volatile…we all can be, but one thing’s for sure….with an effort that is strong, and determination that males mules green with envy, and a heart that needs nurturing,  she’s not on the highway to hell….she’s on her way to being loved for everything she brings to the table… 

Men, If you’ re going to date her, be strong enough to rein her in, on the flip side, be strong enough to love her with the same amount of attention you gave her before she ever laid a finger on you…date her, don’t bore her….respect her and let her understand where real strength comes from… 

Oceans between us….yet she’s just a thought away… a beautiful opportunity that makes me wanton….but I’m not weak…she makes me strong, she knows I’m sincere and  want only the absolute best for her and her little family.  Thoughts of who she is in a sun dress walking down a row of grapes in Sonoma…yes, the girl who no man could turn away easily…Living so far away from Vacationville, makes it difficult at best to ever know if we will ever meet, I do want more than anything for her heart to be free and find that man who makes her complete.  I search honestly for something much bigger than myself…yet I have everything I’ve always wanted….including the belle of the ball..yet I don’t feel it.  Jenni makes those thumps in my chest move a bit more upbeat and she’s got nothing to give other than herself…which is the finest gift any man could accept from her. 

The amazing girl sets my thoughts adrift… an incredible boat without a captain, driving through the night looking for safe harbor…toss out an anchor and set it hard in the sandy bottom and view the serenity around you…breathe for a change and accept no crew’s advances when you only deserve a captain…  For me, I’m always a pirate…yet for you…I would sail in the most gentle of waters, looking out for the integrity of more than just the beautiful moments that we are locked in while sailing….but to places I’ve never seen, doing things you’ve only wished you could do…  it’s what you deserve… 

Incredible girl, my heart is in my chest filled with hope…  that hope belongs to you…take it…

T.

Can It

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Sparkly pink nailed goodness is great for canning, oddly enough!

These acrylic wonders work miracles when it comes to blanching and peeling peaches.

Domesticity makes me inches off the ground happy, so the peach juice running down my arms and dripping off my elbows only makes me smile bigger.

The smell of jam boiling slowly on the stove, my favorite cherry print apron and hot canning jars in the dishwasher?

I’m in heaven. Sweet domestic bliss.

Canning is right up there with knitting. You start with the raw tools and it’s up to you what you put into it. The world is your oyster and you can have, be & do anything you wish.

Getting back to basics makes you value your skill base. It reminds you how capable you are.

Even if you fuck it up.

I had an entire batch of huckleberry jam fail last year…. so I changed the labels to say “Dessert Sauce”. Easy… and everybody loved it.

Because the reason I can and the reason I garden? Is to love the people who treasure me with the gifts I can make them from my heart. Simple homemade gifts of love.

Slicing vanilla beans in half and smiling at the tiny seeds bubbling in and around the soft sweet peaches I diced in cubes.

Foodie porn, in my kitchen, in heels even.

Baking, canning and smiling it all better.

One jar at a time.

Simple Abundance.

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I miss my kindred spirit sister. My Blogtastic.

She reminded me today to slow down, take a deep breath and go back to looking at everything that’s right.

Getting lost in everything that’s wrong is a losing battle. Getting upset only ruined my entire day.

Until I read a note from her.

- I dont have a car. I have a bed on the floor, a broken laptop, and a few suitcases of clothes….. And pictures of my favorite people. I feel blessed with that much. When I get real lonely, I read a book on my phone. Even without a family of my own, out the family and friends I come from, I’ve learned to be thankful for the littlest things. Like when you can’t find a problem with an ex’s new squeeze, then you find out she can’t spell. Or when you introduce someone new to tucker max, and they begin to think you are the coolest person in the universe. Or even when someone you dont like trips over their own feet, and when they look around, they see you staring and laughing at them and they are even more embarrassed. The little things. sometimes I imagine if god was man, he would be sitting in a corner with you and me, people watching. And he would call day day a whore and laugh with us. doesn’t that make you feel even closer to god? I miss you. Watch out for the little things, you just might have a great day :)

She knows so much. I miss her so so so much.

When I close my eyes, I can feel her hug me with all the love in her heart. She’s right here, lifting me up in a low moment. Reminding me who I am.

My Blogtastic and my Thomas in the same week…. combined with a painful dose of ugly reality from my dear son.

I hear you. All of you.

Clearly I’ve gotten lost along the way, and clearly the path I’m on isn’t the right one.

Nobody wants to be a buzzkill pain in the ass.

So I spent the evening watching crazy silly television with my darling daughter. She painted my nails a scary bright color of mermaid turquoise. I can’t even lie… they’re atrocious. lol The poor Asian lady at the nail place is going to call me an asshole in her native tongue, I’m sure of it.

We put the down comforters back on the beds today, and she grinned at me. I know exactly what she’s about to ask me. She loves to sleep in my bed and honestly I’ll take any additional minutes I can get with her. Even if she’s asleep. Waking up to the little miracle is a guaranteed good day.

I started knitting the endless string of hats I’m making for my friends, their babies, my babies. Hell someday I may knit one for myself! My favorite old Skacel needles and a new skein of vermillion Malabrigo. I may as well purr. Knitting makes me that happy. Sitting with my baby girl’s head on my leg, watching a bunch of guys build amazing fish tanks, telling her about the time her dad & I tried to have a saltwater fish tank in a 20 gallon tank. It was amazing… for the short time before they all died.

We went out to the garden… and really laughed. It’s an absolute field. lol. Total and complete failure of a garden. I should have listened to my son. He told me to just do a small section… and I would have been able to maintain that much- but I wanted so badly to see my pretty circle of vegetables show up again this year….

No dice. The red zinnias are starting to flower, which give some idea of a circle? But not really. The thistle isn’t just a weed in my garden anymore, it’s in full bloom.

But…

I have beautiful potatoes. Gorgeous carrots… beets even! Even some delicious sweet corn and a few green beans here and there. Adorable little pumpkins starting to turn orange, and even a sunflower or two.

I haven’t watered anything in weeks. I owe my life to the water company at this point, I don’t want to add to the suffering by any means. I had an entire new line put in last month and the bill was still $500 for August. Good God almighty… it’s certainly the year of challenges….

Yet it just keeps growing. Without my help. Without burning every off hour creating vegetables I can’t begin to deal with.

I could have planted just the front square, and we’d have harvested ten times as much. We’d at least have one tomato to pick. Sheesh.

Lesson learned- and a few new ones along the way.

1. When you do too much? You spread yourself too thin and you miss the joy in the moment being too worried about making it to the next thing on your list.

2. Filling your life with bullshit doesn’t make up for the absence of what you really want/love/miss. It’s still missing. You’re still sad. Some people and things are irreplaceable.

3. Facing the truth hurts. It makes you sick to your stomach and it makes you change the things you’ve used as a crutch. I want to be the person my son adores, not the “despicable” person he thinks I am. I’ve learned that seeking everyone’s approval only results in feeling like shit, but I need his in order to go through life. Whatever it entails, I’m committed to changing his opinion of me.

4. Men lie when it gets them what they want. All men. Your man. ALL of them. When it isn’t convenient and you ask too many questions? They lie AGAIN. Instead of being mad about it, get used to it and don’t expect anything else. Remember… expectation is premeditated resentment.

5. Women lie to get their way. ALL women. We’re equally, if not ten times more evil than you. We don’t just get even. We get even AND the title to your car. We can be a hateful bunch. I firmly believe someone will appreciate the damned horrible bitch I can be, right along with the sweet domestic princess I really am. Lucky guy…

6. Every day is better if you add music. We dance our way to getting ready for school in the morning. I run to my favorites, to the point I have to stop and dance sometimes. Dancing my way through laundry and dishes, mopping, etc… makes life a little less stressful.

7. Buying your kid what they want doesn’t make you a bad mother. It’s liberating. I let her have Cherry Coke if she wants it. I buy the bullshit overpriced Lunchables. I forever stuck to some internal mom-Bible telling me I would be thrown into the fiery pits FOR SURE if I let my kids drink soda or eat crappy overpriced cheese and crackers. Guess what? She likes them, and nobody died. My garbage can is full of to-go containers because I work so much I don’t want to cook. I’d rather bring home food and spend my moments with her. I’d rather be present in the moment. I’ve learned to get over myself. For what it’s worth.

8. Real friends are what life is all about. Being a good friend means that when the shit hits the fan and you need one? You don’t know where to start, because they’d all be there in a second.  I know the most amazing women in the world. I call many of them best friends. I know artists, mothers, wives, nurses, cowgirls, models, writers, etc. I know what it is to be truly blessed.

9. If you act like a piece of ass, expect to be treated like one. This one is pretty self explanatory. Even nice guys capitalize when you offer yourself up like ass on a plate. Being shocked by it only makes you look stupid too.

10. Lessons only count if you act on them. Acknowledging them doesn’t get you anywhere without real intention.

I’m exhausted to the point of begging for a night off work. I’m super-gluing the heel of my foot back together. I’m still fighting a cold. BUT… I’m fucking happy. Down to my toes satisfied when the fact that I love my life, I love my new roommate. I love my kids, even when one of them hates me. I love digging potatoes with my scary turquoise nails, laughing at the utter failure of a garden with my little princess, as she is hysterically cackling and bent over shrieking loudly every time she sees the weedy mess.

Ten shiny new lessons…

and so many more every crazy, beautiful & ridiculously chaotic day of my life.

Satisfaction

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Mmmmm I’m a clean floor whore.

I’ll sell my soul to the devil to feel silky smooth clean floors under my bare feet. It makes me happy. I feel the same way about sheets.

I was up until 2, sweeping, mopping & dusting. You can literally eat ice cream off my floor this morning. Go ahead… lick it- it’s not only clean? It’s white-ginger scented.

I have a confession…

I’m ridiculously addicted to cleaning products. Heaven help us all if I find something “New & IMPROVED!!!” at the grocery store.

Unfortunately I’m a high maintenance bitch and you can’t buy my cleaning supplies at just any store.

I only love Caldrea.

White ginger. Sweet Pea. Honeysuckle. Lavender Pine. Mmmm…. I can clean for days with this shit.

My counters smile at me when they smell so lovely. Sleep? Nah… I’m fighting the urge to call McSteamy first, I’m deliciously talented when it comes to making peace with not having something I want.

I’ve already knit two hats today. I have new silky smooth reclaimed cashmere 6-ply on my needles. I’ve got this.

I really like him… enough to sit on my hands and wait. Every now and then, even the nicest girls have to learn to play the game.

Wait… bite your lip…. and give him enough time to miss you. Stalking isn’t sexy and desperation is downright shameful. When you really want something? You have to work at it. Patience is a virtue.

I waxed my bamboo knitting needles… broke out my favorite bin of yarn and sunk into my Tempur-pedic with more knitting patterns than is justifiable.

I’m knitting a Sheldon for my baby girl. A hat for the son who hates me…. and a unicorn horn for my best friend, who happens to be moving away in days. :(

Everything isn’t perfect. Nothing is tied up in neat little bows, like I imagine it should be.

But?

I’m damn delighted these days.

The water isn’t leaking thousands of dollars I don’t have, into the yard anymore. I love my job and we fired the worthless new guy that was making it horrible. My friends are so amazing I wish I could buy them all a trip to Mexico. But beyond anything?

My mom is healthy. She’s wearing sunscreen and the terrifying scare we had was all for naught. It’s been a scary week, and it’s been one that reminds me to slow down. To make the bike ride over to see her even if it sucks riding up hill constantly. I love my mother so very much- and she does so much to help me that realistically???… coughing up a lung, praying to God to make my cigarettes spontaneously combust and burning thighs is the least I can suffer through to show her she means the world to me.

The floor is clean. Sigh.

My sheets are clean. Hmm…

I’m tackling the laundry room, getting ready for a yard sale, knitting a closet-full of things and enjoying the beginning of fall.

Wishing the garden was as lovely as it was last year… while laughing at the giant weed pile it is. Not caring in the slightest. I actually spent days at the beach with my daughter this year. I learned to slow the hell down. I learned to stop and smell the roses, while letting the weeds grow.

There are a few cucumbers here and there, beautiful potatoes, carrots, beets & beans. The red zinnias are getting ready to bloom and it’s going to be beautiful… maybe.

I’m satisfied, either way. I’ve done all I can do while working full time. I never planted the onions. I didn’t get the garlic planted either. The tomatoes still don’t have cages… lol… It’s survival of the fittest out there. The deer mowed it down so many times it simply became pointless.

McSteamy smiles at me and says….

McS- Try again next year with a taller fence and a smaller space, this is way too much for one person to do. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

He is way too nice. The weeds are knee high… as opposed to the 6″ plants. It’s a total wash…

But I made fresh baby fingerling hash browns for breakfast… minutes after digging them out of the garden, and they are sweet like candy.

Life is really, really good… even though the weeds seem to be taller than the wildflowers.

They do exist.

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There’s something about being attracted to an adult that really appeals to me.

He tells me when he’s exhausted. He’s had an epic day. He expects me to be upset. I’m not at all.

I’m sleepy. I spent half the night tossing and turning, then all day running into things… lost in thought.

I need some cool night air, a big pile of mulch and enough ambition to try to reclaim my garden.

Or at the very least? I need to water it.

I love talking to him… I spend the whole time laughing and he’s just so…. nice.

I can’t resist tempting him a little.

I went grocery shopping… and found myself putting things I don’t eat and drink into the cart… ya know… just in case.  I’m grocery shopping based on inspiration, and I find the ingredients for the cookies, tarts & soup I’m known for… ending up in my cart almost on their own.

I’m feeling domestic… and I know what that means…

I really like him.

I really want him to like me.

Enough to make soup, bake cookies & curl my hair on a day the temp hit 90*…..

He calls right away. I answer and he’s immediately apologetic. I know he’s exhausted… he worked for my mother and a second job after (which is like getting kicked back to Purgatory for a second round) and I’m ok. I don’t take it personally. I’m not weirded out or insecure or second guessing everything.

I just like him. I wish he weren’t exhausted but I’m delighted he is happy to put in a long day. He’s hot- it doesn’t happen on accident… the man works hard.

So I’m baking cookies for myself, and making baby beets & carrots from my overrun garden.

In the low-cut black sundress I threw on…. just in case he stops by… and I threw a couple sodas in the fridge…just in case.

If not today, tomorrow… and if not then? At some point.

It really works, and it’s really nice.

And I’m really just enjoying his company like you did the boy you were crushing on in the 7th grade. It’s old fashioned innocent decadence. Pure and good and delicious all wrapped up in a beautiful package.

It does exist, they do exist… it CAN happen.

You just have to let it.