Good As Hell

There’s some magic in tidying yourself up. I took the day to myself yesterday, to put my life back together.

Hair and nails are at the bottom of my list. I had carbon monoxide alarms to buy and car registration to renew. Checks to order, laundry to fold, dirt to sweep up and my beloved gardenia to water.

I got a lot done waiting for the incredible furnace repairman, and I’m freshly amazed at how much a clean house can make me feel a million times better. Walking barefoot on a freshly mopped floor, makes me all sorts of zen. Having the laundry put away is right up there with morning sex, in my book.

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I went to a  financial planning meeting that I’ve been putting off, resulting in good news for a change! A brighter future than I’d dared to dream about… and I can finally breathe easier.

Lunch and bubbles with my beloved Miss Fancy makes the whole world brighter, but even more so when I’ve been drowning in my own misery for so long.

I’ve ghosted a dozen darling men because my heart isn’t in it. I hate how bad that feels, so I sent them all an apology and so-long-see-ya-later text. I don’t need cheap attention or bandaid sex. I need to not feel worse and it’s wonderful to know that an Incredicock stunt double would only make me miss him in all new ways. Tinder boys are only a distraction until you realize how disgusting they all are.

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So I did a little retail therapy, and bought what really makes me happy.

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A big bag of dirt. ♥

I dug out my tomato seeds… flower seeds… and a million asian long beans because I am obsessed with growing new and weird vegetables. I swept up the floor in the greenhouse and threw out the rotting winter squash we NEVER eat, which reminds me to order more Cinderella pumpkin seed.

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I’m reminded that I’m really good at a lot of cool things, and love just isn’t one of them. I’m really lucky to have my freedom and a job I adore. I have wonderful friends, a great family and my kids are all healthy, happy, wonderful members of society. I have more yarn than I will ever be able to knit into treasures, and a disposable budget for more. I’m a DIY obsessed homeowner with a nice collection of power tools and no hesitation to get dirty. I’m healthy, happy and pretty damn well-rounded if I do say so myself.

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Some girls have a man in their lives. I have everything but.

I’ve been wallowing in sadness, wondering why he didn’t want me anymore, when the real questions are: why the hell would I care, and what would possess me to still try to convince him? It’s easy to get tangled up in your own ego when you feel the sting of rejection and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve been wasting my time on righteous indignation.

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I don’t like clowns… or the circus for that matter, so I’ll be hiding from my dating life in the garden from now through October. ♥ Spring can’t get here fast enough.

 

 

The Contender

Well shoot. I may have actually made a good choice, whilst wasted. I’m writing it down because it definitely needs to be noted.

Miss Lovely and I were hanging out together, destroying our livers, when we met two great guys. Mr. NotCalifornia and his Pops. We laughed ourselves sick with them, then went to go somewhere else.

Which is when I realized that the moment of truth was upon me. I don’t go out. I will literally NEVER see him again unless I say something and if he hasn’t asked… do I really have the balls to do it myself?

Of course I did. I was knee deep in Kokanee and a dirty martini or two.

J- Sorry if this is forward,  but it was really nice to meet you and I’d like to see you again. What do you think about that?

Instant grin. Phew. He’s supposed to be playing pool, but stops and pulls his phone out.

C- I’d really like that.

Hey, hey, hey… look who hasn’t lost her touch. I have to say, it feels great to be hunted again. I don’t mind stepping up to the plate to swing the bat and ask for what I want but if you’re forever met with silence you have to love yourself enough to give up. Yes it stings, and hurts like hell, but you’re wasting your time and taking an active role in breaking your own heart. I’m complicit in how bad I’ve been feeling. I went and fell in love with a casual situation because I’m not one to be taken casually, but I also learned a powerful lesson about playing a game that I can’t win. No matter how different you think you are if you’ve shown him he can treat you as an incidental plaything, he’s going to. Even if you’ve been friends for a long time. You teach them how to treat you. I fail at that and am suffering the consequences.

So I texted Mr. NotC this afternoon… and he’s delivering baby farm animals on his farm.

Yeah. You read that right. I immediately sent Miss Lovely a screenshot.

L- We’re inviting ourselves over.

This is a whole new kind of transplant. He grew up in the city and wants to live his days out on a farm. One picture of my garden and he’s lighting my phone up. He sees the value in my character and not just my pretty face. That’s incredibly refreshing when I’m feeling so bad about myself.

Just as I suspected though… you have to leave the comfort of your own house to meet people.

Damn it.

It’s some small consolation that I’m still awfully good at it.