Category Archives: Friends

Nothing prepared me…

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Wait for it…

…. …. ………… On the worst of weekends I can remember in a long time…

A perfect date.

Not only a perfect date, but an absolutely perfect gentleman. Complete with door opening skills and everything.

One of my darling friends has been bugging me for a while.

B- Come on… just one date. I would not fix you up with my brother if I didn’t know for sure he’d treat you kindly and with the respect you deserve. I’m giving him your number.

I agreed… and he invited me to dinner last night.

On the heels of quite a nightmare weekend, I was tempted to cancel all day. I spent the afternoon with a new girlfriend and washed my hands of the stupid damn hoarder.

Fuck that guy- he’ll never waste a second of my time again and I wont waste another tear, another ounce of my self respect or another syllable on him. He’s a tragic example of what men have come to represent in my life. Liars, cheats and unapologetic bastards. That’s been my experience, so it’s no wonder he appealed to me- he’s the king of douche bags. He actually makes Thomas Murray look like a decent human being. Hell… at least Thomas didn’t cycle through my Facebook friends list looking for his next victims.

I was dreading my date tonight, to be completely honest. I haven’t slept in days- I haven’t eaten. My stomach was flip flopping from hunger and heartache and I was a nervous wreck. I was praying as the clock ticked closer to his arrival that I wouldn’t be attracted to him and could completely relax.

He’s a brand new transplant- and the big brother of a woman I love like a sister. How bad could it be… right?

He pulled up to pick me up and oh. Oh. Oh. Shiny bald… beautiful arms- and a smile I already love because it resembles the friend I miss so much.

He opened my door. He looked as nervous as I was, which was instantly comforting. His truck was sparkling clean… like he just drove it off the lot.

J- Ok… you’re never allowed in my car.

G- I cleaned it today, ha ha ha…

He opens doors. He has perfect manners. He tells me several times to order anything I want and laughs when I admit openly that I’m painfully shy and awkward at times.

G- You’re incredibly beautiful- you don’t need to feel shy around me.

Stunned silent in the first 15 minutes…. and we both end up blushing.

I’m indecisive when I’m shy. I don’t want to commit to wanting anything. I’m the original “Whatever sounds good to you” girl. He smiles and orders the sampler, offering me a chicken wing when our odd waiter drops the plate at our table.

J- I’m kind of funny about meat on the bone.

Blushhhh…. we’re both fighting grins and red as beets. Our waiter is making things as painfully awkward as possible. He didn’t appear to hear a thing we say and for two shy people this is tantamount to torture. Oddly enough we order the exact same thing. He eats his steak the same way I do. He has impeccable table manners.

Be still my heart.

He smiles a smile so genuine that I feel it to my toes. I owe my girlfriend Tiffany or Coach for Christmas. I’d forgotten what it felt like to actually enjoy a date, with a really nice guy, who’s also super cute and completely respectful.

The overwhelming feeling of being in his presence? I felt safe & protected. An overwhelming feeling of being in the presence of a real man with real integrity and real character sweeps over me and I blush again and thank him for reminding me that dating is supposed to be fun.

He says the one thing I really needed to hear, without even knowing it.

G- My parents raised me to treat women like I”d want my mother or sister to be treated. I’m kind of shy but I pride myself on being a gentleman.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

It hits me like a train when he smiles and I realize something.

Nice girls attract nice men.

If you’re going to sell out for less than you deserve then you’re going to wake up next to it too.

I’ve been pissed off all weekend over a very close friend dropping her self respect and decency to climb in bed with the stupid Vagina Hoarder. I’ve really grieved losing what I always thought was a dear friend. I expect it from the hoarder- I did not expect it from her.

This beautiful man treating me kindly and with respect taught me a powerful lesson.

I didn’t lose anything- in fact- I’d actually like to thank them both, if I didn’t want to spit in both of their faces. Baby steps… maybe someday.

I gained a brand new girlfriend. I learned the truth about another one and I read a whole lot of text messages from that same  girl I thought was my friend. Anybody willing to sell out and sleep with someone that hurt her girlfriend is nothing more than a garden variety idiot. It’s not my fault and nothing I could do or say to her will compare to what he’ll put her through.

Douche bags of a feather, flock together…. and I’d rather have a prince than a disease infested rodent.

It’s ok to expect people to treat you kindly and with respect when that’s how you move through your own life. I’m an amazing friend- and I go out of my way to express my love and appreciation for my friends. I remember birthdays and I will joyfully make you the best damn homemade soup you’ve ever eaten if you get sick. My mom is the only family I have here with the exception of my children, so my girlfriends are the sisters I’ve hand picked. I treasure and celebrate them.

Oh but when you break that trust? You’re an enemy. Better than that? You’re a moving target I will happily slaughter for stats. Push me far enough and you’ll find your face on my blog- just ask Thomas- and I’d be willing to bet it will be your least favorite picture. My bases are covered by the letter of the law and a savvy attorney.

I sat at my dinner date, feeling good for the first time in days and slowly warming up to the idea of actually dating this beautiful creature. This guy is actually amazing.

And?

He’s an over-tipper… which compliments me indirectly because I’m a server. He probably tipped the guy 34-40%. Enough that the guy stopped, looked at the check and coughed out a stunned “thank you”. We left and he opened my car door, he drove me home and asked if he could walk me to the door. I declined.

He didn’t make a single move to touch me, but smiled at me once more and said…

G- I would love to see you again. Thank you for letting me take you out.

J- Thank you for dinner- I’ll see you soon.

Grins all around and a text message a few minutes after, thanking me again while telling me he wished we had miniature golf in town so the night didn’t have to end early.

See?

I’ve joked for a long time that I was not picking another date for myself and lo and behold… my darling Miss Blogtastic went and hit one out of the park.

Shiny bald… tattoos…beautiful arms… but more than the hot packaging he’s wrapped in? He’s genuine and redeemable. A real live good man with honor and integrity.

My very own wonderful example that when you value yourself first- and when you respect yourself in spite of the assholes and whores you’re surrounded by?

The right guy can walk right up and show you just how right you are.

I can’t wait to see him again- and it feels pretty damn amazing to know I could date him endlessly and be nothing but delighted and respected for the pleasure of my company. How do I know that?

Because he said so- and he was hand chosen by a real friend who put it better than I can.

B- You deserve a good man, and even if it doesn’t work out in the end, he’s the guy that will continue to get in touch with you just to see how your life is and to be your friend. He’s loyal like that. I’m glad you finally agreed to a blind date.

That makes three of us…. :)

Phew… ouch.

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I climbed back in bed yesterday and pulled the covers over my head…. desperate to get away from the reality of what I’d seen the night before. Absolutely tempted to bleach my eyeballs.

But it hurt bad enough already- and with the friends I’ve got? It’s only a matter of time before it happens again.

I choose to remove myself, instead.

Watching my best friends fuck the guy who absolutely broke my heart? Horrible. Absolute torture. I can get past a lot… but not that. Loyalty isn’t negotiable with me, and I cut people out of my life like cancer if their actions are less than genuine.

That whole “screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me” thing? No. When it comes to me,  “screw him once and you’re dead to me”. Cut and dried, because that’s how it is.

When your friend has been through hell with a guy… when she still flinches at the sight of him… and when you’ve seen it repeatedly and heard her cry about it? Yeah… no. I don’t care if he’s Brad Pitt. I love me some Taye Diggs- but I’d shut the door in his beautiful face if he were “that” guy to any of my friends.

Thou shalt not fuck the guy who fucked with your girlfriend. It’s just that simple to me and if I have a friend that doesn’t feel that way? It wont be for long.

But…

Like any open wound, even cutting something out of your life that isn’t healthy- still hurts, horribly.

I loved her like a sister. I confided in her… about him especially. My daughter loved her. Being hit with it and watching him smile at me when he realized I put 2 & 2 together? Nauseating… positively sickening.

But…

It’s temporary. She’s in for it, that’s for sure. At least she knows after listening to me cry about him. The difference being I wont be there when she’s on the receiving end of his lackluster betrayal.

One of my very closest friends showed up last night to pull me out of my misery. As I dissolved in front of her, she put her hands out and offered me real friendship when I needed it most.

♥- I understand exactly where you’re at. He pays attention. He listens. My one date with him was amazing.

She started to detail their date and I started to choke on my own pain because it’s so familiar.

Ultimately I’m off the hook. I never have to see either of them again. I can eliminate the problem, the mutual space and the friends of mine that disregard my feelings.

I’m changing the things I can, while having the wisdom to throw the rest of his bullshit in the fire.

I’m drawing a line in the sand. Out loud. You’re either with me, or against me. You’re either with him, or me. I have the most amazing girlfriends in my life- I don’t have room, time or inclination to keep anyone who would entertain the idea of disrespecting me or stand idly by while someone else does. You are what you eat. Act like it.

Oh? You want to play STD roulette with the hoarder? Huh. By all means, enjoy- and sorry about your bad luck. I’m a much better friend and a far more formidable enemy.

Relax. You’ll never have to worry about me jumping a fence to crash your date. You want that? Have that. Bag it up though… because if you thought mice were dirty…

Not only will I not demean myself by forcing him to acknowledge how much he’s hurt me? I wont give anyone a second thought who would give him a moment of their time.

So the next time your kids are sick, or you are? Call him. See what happens.

The next time you need a ride home, to work, or need to cry about your bad day? Call him.

Hungry? Sad? Lonely and crying the PMS blues? Oh please… if you ever loved me…

Call the hoarder and experience for yourself what it feels like on the dark side of the moon.

He didn’t answer? Your best friend is smiling sweetly at him instead of at you? You can’t believe what you’re seeing?

Weird.

Oh and good luck- you’ll need it.

Well that and antibiotics. lol… and I hope every single tablet sticks in your throat a little to remind you of the high cost of being a whore of a friend.

Oh and may peace be with you, because you may as well have peace if you don’t have class.

Put it on LOCK.

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My dear Sober One Kenobe has her bases covered. This is the women we need to takes notes from.

She’s got her very own prince, Mr. Man Card- wrapped tightly around her beautiful fingers, and she’s tried her best to help me.

MSOK- Jennifer. Give me your phone. If you want him? You need to ignore him. Don’t respond. Make him wait. Make him think. Play him like he plays you and he’ll be all yours. Jeez, put it on lock already.

Obviously I did not take her advice, lol…

MSOK- I told you and you didn’t listen.

J- I know… sorry.

MSOK- Don’t feel bad, you just got out-stalked. Thank GOD. You need your own Man Card- he loves me and respects my feelings. I can tell him when I feel bad and he ALWAYS listens and he ALWAYS makes an effort to fix what he can.

He does too. He baby-talks to her in front of his friends. He’s absolutely confident in the way he feels about her… and my dear friend can be quite the pain in the ass when she wants to be.

He wouldn’t have it any other way. She gets her sassy self going and he can’t help but smile at her. They’re my favorite couple to hang out with- and one of only two couples I’ve ever met that obviously belong together.

I can’t imagine one without the other- and when he’s gone more than six hours, she misses him. She’s spent the night at my house and he comes to get her the next day, visibly tired- because he can’t sleep without her.

It’s so sweet it makes your teeth hurt, and it’s a really nice reminder of what it’s supposed to be like when you’re with the right person.

He’s supposed to care when you’re pissed off- even if it’s trivial. There are downsides to loving a firecracker laced hurricane… but they don’t come anywhere near the benefits.

She’s supposed to stay up all night taking care of you when you’re sick. She would go to the ends of the earth for him.

They’re like wasabi and soy sauce. Delightful alone- but amazing together.

I had dinner with them the other night after I got my new job. He was cooking, she was in the kitchen. He kisses her when he walks by her. She puts her dinner down to help him do dishes so that he’s not doing them alone. They’re thoughtful of each other and it’s why it’s so good.

It’s the key- without question. They have a mutual respect that is woven through every fiber of their relationship.

My dear daughter said it best the other day…

R- Aunt Kenobe is so lucky. She found her Mr. Right, and he’s so lucky because he found her. Has he proposed yet? When is that flash mob anyway?

Even the baby knows.

Two of my best friends, who set such a genuine example for the rest of us single folks who keep getting it wrong… it does work sometimes. It does exist and it is absolutely worth holding out for.

It’s a wonderful thing when the right people end up together. ♥ I love them both for the laughs and the example they set by loving each other, outspokenly.

A public display of a successful relationship and just when I thought they only happened in Disney movies.

It might not happen every day, and we all certainly have to kiss a lot of frogs before we find a prince… but every once in a while?

It’s a good old fashioned fairytale, right from the beginning.

Learning Faith

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I got the job I really wanted today. With my unemployment not even projected to arrive for another 4-5 weeks? I am so thankful I actually clapped my hands when she told me.

I’ll be working with a lot of people I already love and respect in a much more mature atmosphere. I’ll no longer be the oldest server. I like both of the people who hired me enough to invite them to dinner.

… and they’re normal and professional enough to accept. The atmosphere at my last job was very different. I never would have thought to invite either of my bosses to dinner because they work overtime to keep themselves separate from the staff. A very us vs. them sort of feeling.

She even invited me to a party for the staff. She’s openly friendly and I feel my soul exhale. I’m so excited. I got it. I applied for the one I wanted most, first… and I’ll be working there from now on.

Amen… and thank God.

I drove home slowly enough to annoy the other drivers on the road, beaming; and really truly believing in myself again. I’ve been reciting the Desiderata in my head for two weeks, reminding myself constantly that many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. I’ve spent time with my friends, I’ve reconnected with my mama and I’ve remembered who I really and truly am.

I’ve washed my hands of a nightmare only to wake up in my very own dream coming true.

A job better suited to me and where and who I want to be. A clear view of the real friends in my life. A solid view of myself as a single unit only to realize how much happiness there can be found in enjoying your own company without worrying about it always just being you, yourself, and well… you. I’m a helluva lot of fun. It’s ok if it’s always just me.

I don’t mind dancing alone.

I put the pathways into my garden. I planted potatoes and onions. I danced around the rows and sang at the top of my lungs to the amusement of the passersby. I let myself really celebrate my own victory because it’s been a damn scary two weeks and I. Am. So. Excited.

My best friend called and we had to scream on the phone for a while.

Learning to have faith has been difficult for me. I’ve faced a ridiculous amount of challenges in the last year and I’ve let myself drown in anger and fear too many times to count. I’d lost sight of the fact that a little faith goes a long way… and a lot of faith moves mountains.

What a fanfreakin-tastic day.

Sorry about your bad luck…

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I’m fed up with stupid people. I’m annoyed by idiots.

More than anything? I’m inconvenienced by the ignorant and I’m frustrated enough to vent a little.

I’m blissfully happy these days. Drowning in domestic bliss and completely sunburned from hours in the dirt and doing facials with my daughter and her best friend after their school dance.

Pizza and giggles. Aunt MSOK came over to do her hair magic and the two of us giggled in the middle of my acre of dirt. Holy shit it’s huge. She loves my design. I love her.

Life is made so much better by the friends that mean the most. She’s more than my friend, she’s my sister. She knows everything there is to know… even the big stuff. Even the stuff you don’t tell anyone…. and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I drive her insane whining about the same guy, and she works overtime to listen and burn his bridges to the ground- with truth.

Life is about spending it with people that love you, not people that judge you. I don’t have time for anyone who chooses to wear their judgy panties. No time at all… those bitches can hang out with the hoarders. They deserve each other.

That said. I’m about to get a little mad and a lot honest.

To my single friends. It’s very simple if you want to keep him/her.. It’s all about making them wonder if you like them or not. That’s all it is. Don’t respond to phone calls or texts. Don’t have sex with him or her. Torture them with your feigned disinterest based indecision… and wa-la! They’re all yours.  Yeah… fuck that tragic bit of post-highschool histrionics. I like sharks. I like men who see something they want and actively pursue it. I like men that value having exclusive rights. In other words… we have to play the crazy manipulative stalker card or we lose? No. Give me a skilled hunter gatherer, thanks.

Anytime, anywhere… as a woman… when you’re treated like a cheap paper napkin from the KFC drive-through? It hurts.When your sensitive lightweight napkin self has to continually float through his presence… it’s even worse. The moral of the story? If he treats you like a shitty napkin… look at him for the disease carrying controlled substance he is/should be. Wash your hands… with bleach. Pour the rest of the gallon in the bathtub and climb in. Sorry about your bad luck- you should have listened to that snake charmer story more closely…. because you’ve officially been charmed… by a snake. Until it’s on Facebook? It’s not real. Sorry about your bad luck again- if you’re not given the public nod? It’s because there are other women on his FB that he bangs… or wants to.

To the lady at the gas station, bank, bar, grocery store…etc… that hates me because I’m thinner, prettier, etc…than them. Fuck you. I was 265 lbs at my heaviest and I worked my ass off LITERALLY. I’d like to get back down to my goal weight because I enjoy the attention. So there. That’s honest. Wanna be hotter? Lose weight. Wanna open a new page on the menu? Don’t eat dessert, don’t have a drink and run to the grocery store instead of drive.

Nobody said it didn’t suck- and trust me, you’ll end up hating those naturally skinny bitches ten times more. Think about it though. They’re sober, exhausted and they date the worst of the worst of the douche bags because the GQ model guys are the biggest assholes of all time. Popped collar? No. In fact I think I threw up in my mouth a little just typing that. Beyond all that, don’t be a bitch. Don’t glare at me because you’re jealous. Sorry about your bad luck, try harder and FYI- Haterade is high in calories. Kick the habit, or better yet? Love yourself enough that you don’t have to hate anyone else because you don’t. Fix it or flaunt it- or fuck right off.

To my unhappily married friends… where do I even begin… oh I know. Leave each other the fuck alone. The rest of us are tired of hearing you bitch about it. Sorry it didn’t work out, sorry you hate each other now SHUT THE FUCK UP and break up already. Sorry he cheated, sorry you did, sorry you both ARE. I DON’T CARE!!! I shovel my own snow. I haul my own trash. I manage. I don’t love it and I’d love to be some spoiled chick with auto start and a heated driveway- but I’m not. So I shut up and do it. The same goes for marriage. If you signed on for eternal financial security and sex on demand- QUIT BITCHING. If you don’t want to sign on anymore, then sign the fuck out. It’s that simple. If you’re torturing each other you are wasting years of your lives being unhappy. More than that? You’re torturing the fuck out of everyone around you. Spare us if you don’t give a shit enough about yourselves anymore. Don’t fool yourself- we all think of ways to avoid hanging out with you because of it. Sorry about your bad luck, call a divorce attorney and end your marriage before your friends DIVORCE you. We’re over it.

To the shitty bosses… and really? Nothing is more disappointing. You miss spelling bees, dance recitals and your baby losing a tooth- only for the tooth fairy to have to fly to Grandma’s. You miss priceless moments in your life for these assholes and it doesn’t mean a thing. You’re the means to an end and just another name on the payroll. If you never came to work again, they wouldn’t notice. The hypocritical men and women that abuse the power they hold in being able to decimate your financial security. The boss that gossips and talks about the weight of his employees. The one that closes his eyes to it all. The one that is an overpowered monster and looks for your vulnerabilities.  The one who propositions you sexually. The one that drinks on the job. The one that makes everything worse when he’s on the floor. The one that hits on the customers. The one that doesn’t respect you enough to move out of your way. We’ve all had one. We all know “that” guy.

I’m sorry about your bad luck, it’s the social network/blog age and if you don’t treat people kindly or with some modicum of respect? They can have an opinion about that could make you look like the…well… jerk you are. As they say- opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. Unfortunately for the bad guys? Opinions are a lot louder now than they used to be. Fortunately- there’s a very simple way to solve all this. Be kind. Be appreciative. Be understanding and be considerate of how your choices affect the lives of others. Be thankful for the people who make your dreams come true, because in the end it wont matter how much money you made- it will matter what kind of character you built.

Come on… be less annoying and be more happy. ♥ Happy beats being pissed off, every time.