So long, Ms. Doormat

My vacation begins today. We leave tomorrow morning for Mexico.

It’s been 4 years since I took a vacation. My life has changed exponentially in the last 4 years. I spent two years estranged from my family, and 3 of those 4 years in the worst relationship of my life. Painful years…

The last 4 years have left me vulnerable to bad men, cautious and fairly insecure.

I’ve been putting myself back together again for the past year… and my new job has given me myself back. I’m not as shy as I used to be. I’m not afraid anymore. For the longest time I’ve looked at my life and have felt like a failure for my marriage not working, for the nightmare dating scene I’m drowning in and for the constant uphill battle to get everything done & paid for.

Until I looked in the mirror when I came home last night and realized a few things.

I’m amazing because I do it alone. I don’t rely on a man to pay my way or run my life. I make my own decisions and the drama in my life is all invited. I can just as easily decline all that nonsense. I choose what comes in, and what goes out.

I fail regularly- don’t get me wrong- but I’m consistently failing less, and at a time where people are disappointing me in record numbers. I have learned to face loss head on, instead of playing the victim and expecting someone to comfort me. I juggle a million things and make it look like I’m enjoying it…

Which is not fucking easy.

Most importantly? I take responsibility. I accept my disappointments with grace and strive to be happy.

I had a reality sandwich for dinner last night… and saw some hard truths about myself. I settle for way too little, and I expect nothing from a few people that I do way too much for. I’m a willing doormat, especially when it comes to the man I love. Sad, but true. What I really need is a t-shirt with a little Welcome mat on it.

Hey look! Found one!

I’d buy it… but I’m determined to make the shirt obsolete.

Beginning today, on the first day of my fabulous vacation…. I’m taking off my doormat shirt.

I can finally say…I’d rather stand boldly naked in front of my critics than continue to let them wipe their feet on me.


Mr. Sexy&Smart

Speaking of the potential boy toy… I have to tell you how I met him.

Yahoo Personals.

Unreal… right? The dirty boat stealer and I had broken up and I was desperate to move on and over the whole nightmare. My ex husband told me the best way to get over someone was to get under someone else. Ok… it was at least worth a shot and given that the boat stealer’s equipment was failing <and nothing to write home about to begin with> I was definitely delighted at the thought of successful sex.

I saw a cute guy- with a charming & witty profile. Perrrrrrfect spelling… punctuation and <be still my heart> a fantastic sense of humor. So I emailed him. Said hello- yadda yadda yadda.

and I got a response back that was something like this.

Dear Jen,

Thank you for your application to be my date. I regret to inform you that you were not chosen.. Your application was considered amongst all the rest and though qualified, there were a number of applicants equally as desirable.  I will keep your application on hand in case the opportunity arises that I need to reassess my options.

I nearly shit my pants reading the first sentence… and it went on to say “ha ha, isn’t that just how it feels? Kidding! Let’s go out”

He is still my favorite ex. He took me to the library at his college (be still my heart… I SO want to go to college) out to dinner, and to an iMax movie… it was intense. Only guy I ever dated that had classical music playing in his car and buckled my seat belt for me. I took him to his first strip club. He was nervous… paid our cover and we realized they’d only let us drink soda pop… Good grief. Oh well… there was a bachelor party going on and out walks the skinniest, crackiest naked toothpick you’ve ever seen. Nasty razor burn and black pubic stubble. Uck… She walked out, slid down to the floor in front of our table and spread her legs. I thought he was gonna faint dead away. No secrets left on this girl, I could still describe parts of her I never thought I’d see on another woman. Whoa.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more bizarre… they did some sort of musical strippers thing where each stripper came and danced on you for 30 seconds at a time. Poor guy… at this point I’m feeling like the big bad wolf. He has a dopey grin on his face and looks at me like I’m Kobe beef.

SS- Are you ready to go?

J- Yes.

Phenomenal sex. I was so intensely nervous about being naked in front of him because my ex had been blisteringly critical….but he’s the most complimentary man you have ever met. He says nice things. Not just nice things, but the NICEST things. IT was Amazing. Certainly in my top 3 favorites.  I was terrified of how good the sex was combined with how much it felt like having a husband. He was too freshly divorced. I most definitely was the rebound girl. Funny how I made that same mistake again, just recently. “Live and keep trying to learn” should be tattooed on my chest. Or my face. At 34… perhaps I should consider something drastic. I’m tired of learning the same lesson over and over again.

So we broke it off… but still kept in touch on occasion.

Aaaand there you have it. He was an awfully fun boy-friend. One of those guys you never want to lose as a friend… and bonus… I can even play with him again if I want?


Cheers to Wednesday, and who knows what to call it….