Grief.

Stop All The Clocks

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W.H. Auden

This speaks to me in so many ways and phases of my life. I reallly loved, once. Really loved. He was something between breathing, the first ripe strawberry, and Egyptian cotton sheets to me. 15 years and my heart still leaps out of my chest when I hear his voice. He broke my heart the last time I saw him, and it still hurts. There are moments I can’t believe my memories, but I always remember the searing pain of that day. I heard this poem for the first time that day, and read it some time around the funeral of my best friend Vera in 2003. I still can’t read it all the way through without crying. They say time heals all wounds, but I still miss her and grieve her passing at some point each day, and the same holds true for him now and again.

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I’ve lost another friend and her four children as well. The youngest I’d never met. She was only 2 months old. At 7, 10, 10, and 36, the other four weren’t much older than baby Vadie. Miss Lacie Burkman was 7 years old. Born the same time as my daughter, and having just lost her two front teeth as well. I watch my daughter sleep and my heart aches… I can’t imagine being able to go on without her.

I think of Dan, Bethany’s husband and am at a complete loss. Happily married, new baby that blends their families, heading home after spending their new baby’s first Christmas with family. Now he’s burying his wife, two of his 3 children, including both his first born daughter and his last and the two step-daughters he loved as well. His step son who survived as well as his step son that wasn’t in the car are moving to their father’s house. His surviving daughter lives with her mother. So this man, this wonderful man has gone from a house of children, to being alone. His daughter is already home with her mother. His step sons have already gone to California to live with their father. I am grief stricken for him. I’ve lost my friend, but he’s lost everything.

Please, if you can find it in your heart, say a small prayer, a blessing, send good thoughts, however you are comfortable. Also, please don’t drink and drive. The man that hit and killed all 5 of them is 24, and was three times the legal limit when tested.

Weddings…and other huge mistakes :)

Do we really need another study done that shows how marriage shortens a woman’s life?

I believe in the idea…hell I tried it once. I love the notion of “Happily ever after”, I am a product of the Disney generation after all. I’d even be willing to go so far as to say I could convince you to agree with me. As modern and progressive as I consider myself to be, there is still a tiny princess of a girl dreaming up tulle and satin atrocities even the best designers haven’t created yet. I glance at Bride magazine at the checkout…I eyeball rings in the jewelry store on occasion. I wonder…daydream…and think it must be… early alzheimers. 🙂

The reality of any romantic situation is never the stuff movies are made on. Hell if it were, we wouldn’t need movies! Trying to co-mingle and coexist with anyone for all eternity is unnatural. Not to mention boring. I don’t care how many shrinks, women or clergymen say you can find ways to spice things up and keep it fresh forever, it’s a load of crap, and everyone knows it…even as abject denial is dripping from their lips. Having sex with the same one person for the rest of time is the equivalent of being sentenced to eat nothing but peanut butter and jelly for the rest of your life. Granted, I can go for a pb&j now and then, but not enough to give up steak and shrimp.

At any rate, This past Saturday I found myself knee deep in marital-strife in a pale blue satin dress I wouldn’t have even worn in the 80’s. Adding to my horror was the half-can of Aqua net the “on-site beauty professional” had sprayed into my hair (and lungs…). You could literally bounce pocket change off the curls that were clinking behind me in all their lacquered glory. The 20 lbs of stress weight I’ve been slowly melting off was turning the prom dress into a tourniquet with a sort of greenhouse effect. With our dyed to match satin heels and troupe of 4 close friends donning the same uniform, we marched our sweating miserable asses up the aisle and gave our friend away to a complete moron.

The sad fact? She knows he’s a moron. Hell she told all of us. When I asked her “Why, Why, WHY?” she actually said “Why not? What else is there to do?” Too many wonderful things rushed through my mind at once and I was just left speechless. She was looking forward to the honeymoon to Boise, after all, and figured he was an adequate choice.

Again…speechless.

Does it really make me a horrible person to want fireworks? Call me demanding, but I want the guy that can’t think of anything else in the world he’d rather do than spend his life with me, and I want to feel the same. Life is too short to be sort of happy. Life is too short to settle. I went to the wedding hoping I’d have a new outlook on marriage, hoping that maybe it’d be a wistful blog about pale pink rosebuds and pearl buttons…but it’s only confirmation that I’m right… marriage is unhealthy.