Blogging, Family, Friends, Halloween, Happiness, Hope, Love, Victory!, Yarden

Grandma

I had someone ask me if my baby was my grand-baby the other day. Seriously. My Little Red looked up in horror at the person and half shouted that her sister was NOT HER BABY.

I laughed. I was stunned at the thought, but… I’d had a baby 18 years earlier and my mother was the same age I was when my son was born. Good Lord in the morning… what an amazing difference to feel like the “old” mom.

So I went to a mommy & me group. I’m staying home with Muffin right now and I figured it would do us both well to get out and about.

I walked in wearing my favorite yoga pants and nursing shirt, My uniform du jour, so to speak. Wandering through a sea of bejeweled postpartum asses, I feel like the sharpest tool in the shed. What’s up with the bejeweled ass pants? I don’t get it.  Perhaps when I was 16?  It was awkward… but I was willing to suffer a little for some adult conversation. Ish.

I start to notice things.

They’re all younger than me.

I hate to say that was my first thought, but it was. So there it is. They all drive nicer cars than me. Ok so that’s petty but I had to laugh about it too since I’m so damn thankful I don’t have a car payment to be late on right now.

They’re all worried about being hot for their husbands/boyfriends.

I’m the only single mom.

I keep hearing them refer to me as “You two” as in, my husband and I… not my little baby and I. I’m happy I’m over 30 and dealing with this sort of shit. I can remember feeling really uncomfortable at the absence of a wedding ring on my finger when I was pregnant with my son, at 18. I do not feel that way anymore. I’m happy with the silky nakedness of my ring finger.

I explained quickly, smiled widely and reassured the few naysayers.

Blonde idiot: Oh my word I could NEVER do it without my Huuuuuuuusband. He is my rock. He is my man. I am so tired and if he didn’t do all those night time feedings I would just break down and DIE

I’m judging her before she opens her mouth to tell me these things so there’s no point in pretending I’m not. She’s a grade A, fresh off the subdivision, Walmart girl. She doesn’t breastfeed <sneer> she doesn’t get up with her baby <sneer> and she’s one of “those” women.

Those women: The women who can’t think clearly without a man telling them which way to go. Uck.

J- We do really well. That’s wonderful of your husband to help so much.

It’s amazingly uncomfortable, to be honest. They pretty much just chat amongst themselves… about things like baby shoes and strollers. Some of them are gluten free. That’s fun.

It is too much to ask for an adult mom friend? I can’t tolerate the youngsters. I admit it. I hate myself for it because I can remember clearly how the “judgey” older moms were so frustrating to me. I was a good mom, and they weren’t nice to me because of my age.

I am now that “judgey” older mom, and I can’t do it. I don’t want to hear them chat. I care about the world, at large… beyond the superficial “We went with the Bugaboo. What did you two decide on?” I hate to stereotype them. Truly, I do… but the shoe fits and it’s too damn tacky.

I’m not going back to “group”. In fact I wonder if I can make a group for old moms. I wanna talk about politics and healthcare. I want to have friends who give a shit about GMO’s.

I’m a new old mom, and I love every single bit of it.

Even being called Grandma. I just don’t want to hang out with my old self anymore.

That baby of mine is nothing but pure love & joy. Her and I have gotten our routine down. She gets up at unspeakably early hours. I sing to her day and night. Life is an awesome bunch of grins and details.  I never thought this would be my life. I had this beautiful baby because I loved her daddy so much I lost sight of the fact that sometimes things don’t work out. I never thought I’d be raising a baby alone, however… I treasure every second.

I could care less if her socks match or she’s in the same pajamas for the second day in a row. I show her everything until she smiles. I sing the ingredients I’m using to can marinara if she gets fussy while I’m rushing to get it done in between nursing and patty cake. I make a point to write the love notes in my teenagers lunch box. I remember all over again what it’s like to have a newborn that takes so much energy and inspires that much ooey-gooey adoration for just laying there like a potato.

With no child support & no second set of hands, the eyeliner and primping have to go. I have clean clothes on and her pants are dry- everything is just as it should be.  I’m thankful that she’s unscathed by it all. She’s just happy and loved and protected from everything that isn’t perfectly wonderful and happy. I could care less about makeup.

I’m going to make my own group.

For the moms who want to make friends but don’t want to change into something less comfortable.

For the moms without dads.

For the mom who is thankful for the blessing of motherhood.

For the mom, like me… that treasures every exhausted moment that makes life worth living.

I wanna hang out with those moms. Or Grandmas.

Children, Family, Friends, Halloween, knitting, Love, Victory!

Get it done, batgirl…

This being the 5th year blogging, there are days I think I’ve run out of stuff to ramble on about and I am absolutely buried in canning… and I have 3 pear trees to pick today. Ugh…

I would rather be doing just about anything else… which is good, because I have to pick a tiny black dress to go with my nun habit, and I have work later…

Perhaps my Bucket List is in order? Or maybe just  a pause from my actual t0-do list to write one that is more in keeping with what I really want to be doing? At any rate, here it is.

1. I want to go to school. Any school. I miss it and I can see myself becoming a lifer if I end up permanently single. I’d like to actually pass algebra at some point. I’d love to learn a few more languages. I’d love to take a stained glass class. I’m a skill hoarder… I love learning something new and I love writing on paper with a freshly sharpened pencil 🙂

2. I want to fix everything with my son. It weighs on me every day and I miss him terribly.

3. I want to run a marathon. Weird huh? I’m happiest when I’m running regularly. The endorphins are no joke- and between the running and the knitting- I’m happily celibate. Sorta.

4. I want to have the nerve to push the envelope. I want to be brave enough to take a leap of faith purely to see if I really can have have everything I want. I want to kiss hope right on the lips.

5. I want to build my treehouse. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it’s been unfinished since we moved in and it drives me INSANE. I want a roof… so I have to learn how to do roofing. I want it to have a staircase, and even attempting stairs for the hot tub was the absolute WORST thing I’ve ever tried to make… so the stairs are posing a looming threat. I want it to have flower boxes and a door and honestly… I completely understand I sound like a lunatic. I always wanted one, and my kids weren’t that interested… so I’m determined to build it for myself. With my big old pile of wood from the Dirty Boat Thief.

6. I want to go everywhere. Being a young mother and raising two children means life at home. I want to see everything I haven’t seen and go places I never thought to consider. I could do without snow. I’m cool if I don’t see Antarctica. Ever. If you’ve seen one snowbank, you’ve seen them all.

7. I want to be happy, anywhere. My Bestie has the big house and the shiny new car and everything you could think would make life perfect, and it’s still just as hard. She works just as hard, it’s just as hard to juggle kids and responsibility and she still wants to be happier. Financially secure or struggling, I want to be happy anywhere that lands me. I want to always be able to see the silver lining.

8. I want to take my mom on vacation. Somewhere fun- somewhere out of both of our elements- just to show her how much I really love and appreciate her. She’s become my right hand, my wife- I don’t know what I’d do without her and I want to be able to show her at some point.

9. I want to go tank diving with Sharks… I know… it’s something not many people can understand but I’ve wanted to since I was a little girl. The tip of South Africa, mmmmm…. can’t wait. It makes my heart race just thinking about slipping into Shark filled water…

10. I want to be the friend people call when they need help, the daughter my mother can rely on, the mom my kids love and adore, and the love of someone’s life.

11. I want to finish my flower tattoos, have the balls to do all the other outlining stuff and really love each one more than the last. It’s an unexpected love of mine and I treasure them. They’re all so significant, even the purple orchid from lousy Nathan. It’s the one I see the most next to the cherries on my wrist… and it always makes me think of my dear friend, my Tattoo Diva. I have the best time hanging out with her and the story of Nathan and his fake tattoos is just one more funny part of our friendship. ♥ her. ♥ my tattoos. Always want more… mmmm needle therapy- the best money can buy.

12. I want to learn to sail. I can remember sailing with my stepdad as a little girl, but he never let me help. I watched some random movie the other night and realized I was ignoring the dialog and watching what he was doing with the sails.

13. I want to learn to fly a plane. For several reasons, some of them not so nice, but ultimately, I’m a little afraid of heights, and though I love to fly… I’d feel even better if I knew I could take over if need be. I like to be prepared.

14. I want to learn to Scuba dive. I love snorkeling… I could spend an entire day chumming pretty fish with crackers. I love it- so it’s natural I’d want to take it a step further. My dive-master friend gives me shit constantly about being a floater, lol… and I will absolutely make him eat his words at some point.

15. I want to get a family picture for my mother- who has never had one. I’m working on making this one happen just after Christmas, but this has been on the list for years. Hopefully my son will be in it too.

16. I want to have the money to pay people to keep my garden weed free. Even for just a year. I swear- that’s what I’d buy if I won the lottery… a weed free garden to enjoy. I missed my garden desperately this year but I just didn’t have the time. The thought of other people weeding it for a year? Holy… that’s right up there with Coach.

17. I want to throw half of everything I own, away, or give it away, or all of it. I hate the burden of possessions. I only need a few things to be happy. My kids, my family, my little dogs, my friends and my knitting. Dishes I could live without. Laundry? Ugh. I could happily survive with a few cashmere sweaters, a few black shirts, a few white shirts and a few great pairs of jeans…. and a few thousand dresses with pretty heels to match. It’s my own damn fault I’m drowning in clothing.

18. I want to blog. Always. Regardless of the pressure to write books, travel the world and be sinfully blissfully happy? I am always thankful for the 20 minutes a day I sit down and write. It’s sometimes the only time I sit down all day.

19. I want to abandon the cold. Permanently. I wouldn’t mind coming home to visit at Christmas to see the snow… but I really loathe winter. It’s pretty for a minute, and then it’s just an added hassle in my already chaotic life. Getting up an hour earlier to shovel, sucks balls. I want to plant gardenias around the entire perimeter of my house and wear as many of them in my hair every day as I can fit. I hate the cold. I want to garden year round.

20. I want to read a book a week. I’m not taking the time to read right now and I feel dull. I have too much to do to even list and it’s sunny, so I should be planting the rest of the garlic. I’ll kick myself if I don’t… but I’m not. I’m reading a book. I’m taking it easy for a change, curling up with little Tucker Max and I’m committing to at least crossing one of these things off the list at some point.

I could keep going but sheesh… this should keep me occupied while I’m not working and knitting.

Happy Monday- the first one I’ve had off in nearly a year. Cleaning, baking, and trick or treating later…

Close to the perfect day, Amen.