Magic

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I’m forever disappointed in myself when I’m silenced by someone’s judgements. It’s kinda-sorta my achilles heel, even more so than the man I adore. I’m a nice person, and try as I might, I do still feel bad when people have unkind things to say or feel about me.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I’ll dodge hateful words far more intently.

We’ve had a bit of a month around this household, and there have been some epic highs and lows in the space of a few weeks. Communication has been at an all time high, which makes even the worst circumstances, tolerable. I treasure the little family I’ve made, and love that our home is a peaceful escape from the harsh reality of adulthood.

Out in the big bad world, things aren’t always so rosy, people aren’t always nice and communication seems to be a dying art. Talking shit has taken the place of directly confronting a painful situation and loyalty is more a tattoo than character trait anymore.

I’m very content being single, as a result. I tried dating. I really did. I have absolutely no desire to do it again. I can’t deal with the technology aspect of it nowadays. They all ask for selfies. They all send dick pics. Yes, ALL. The “Good morning, beautiful” text messages don’t totally suck, but it’s all just so pathetically generic. I can’t. It’s not even remotely tempting.

I share it here because it’s too damn funny not to and this is my journal. If you’re coming here out of malice to read up on all my bad times, you’d better buckle up and hang on. I’m sure there will be more. Oh and… I honestly strive to not give a fuck about anyone’s opinion anymore. That’s the real beauty of growing into myself. I make mistakes regularly and honestly feel bad about them, or I don’t. The only difference between you and I, is that I write about personal shit where strangers like to read about it. I can’t say I understand it either, but coming here to read is most definitely a personal choice.

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I’m not friends with any of my exes on social media. Once we’re done, I’m done. I don’t want to see what he’s eating for dinner, who his new lady is, etc. I’m not one to collect mistakes. Once he’s irrelevant, I limit him to good old fashioned texts or phone calls. No pictures of his face, thanks. I’m all set.

Yet a handful of them still read my blog. I find it ironic and simultaneously hilarious. I have an excellent program that lets me track their visits here, and I shake my head and laugh every time a familiar name pops up.

But every now and then, it silences me… and I retreat back into myself after feeling judged.

Well…

For a minute.

Because I’ve worked too goddamn hard to get where I am today, and I am SO proud of the woman I’ve become. I single-handedly run my own household as a single mother, and help run a business doing what I love: creating. I have achieved a certain amount of freedom as a result of my own hard work and raw determination. I’m working harder to be stronger, physically and mentally. I take time to read and heyyyy there reader…. I do a little writing to clear the cobwebs from my head and heart. The stuff I can’t work out in my garden by playing in the dirt- I share here. I am unapologetically vulnerable and if you’d like to pass judgement or criticize me for it, well… that says a whole lot more about you than it does about me.

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Good As Hell

There’s some magic in tidying yourself up. I took the day to myself yesterday, to put my life back together.

Hair and nails are at the bottom of my list. I had carbon monoxide alarms to buy and car registration to renew. Checks to order, laundry to fold, dirt to sweep up and my beloved gardenia to water.

I got a lot done waiting for the incredible furnace repairman, and I’m freshly amazed at how much a clean house can make me feel a million times better. Walking barefoot on a freshly mopped floor, makes me all sorts of zen. Having the laundry put away is right up there with morning sex, in my book.

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I went to a  financial planning meeting that I’ve been putting off, resulting in good news for a change! A brighter future than I’d dared to dream about… and I can finally breathe easier.

Lunch and bubbles with my beloved Miss Fancy makes the whole world brighter, but even more so when I’ve been drowning in my own misery for so long.

I’ve ghosted a dozen darling men because my heart isn’t in it. I hate how bad that feels, so I sent them all an apology and so-long-see-ya-later text. I don’t need cheap attention or bandaid sex. I need to not feel worse and it’s wonderful to know that an Incredicock stunt double would only make me miss him in all new ways. Tinder boys are only a distraction until you realize how disgusting they all are.

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So I did a little retail therapy, and bought what really makes me happy.

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A big bag of dirt. ♥

I dug out my tomato seeds… flower seeds… and a million asian long beans because I am obsessed with growing new and weird vegetables. I swept up the floor in the greenhouse and threw out the rotting winter squash we NEVER eat, which reminds me to order more Cinderella pumpkin seed.

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I’m reminded that I’m really good at a lot of cool things, and love just isn’t one of them. I’m really lucky to have my freedom and a job I adore. I have wonderful friends, a great family and my kids are all healthy, happy, wonderful members of society. I have more yarn than I will ever be able to knit into treasures, and a disposable budget for more. I’m a DIY obsessed homeowner with a nice collection of power tools and no hesitation to get dirty. I’m healthy, happy and pretty damn well-rounded if I do say so myself.

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Some girls have a man in their lives. I have everything but.

I’ve been wallowing in sadness, wondering why he didn’t want me anymore, when the real questions are: why the hell would I care, and what would possess me to still try to convince him? It’s easy to get tangled up in your own ego when you feel the sting of rejection and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve been wasting my time on righteous indignation.

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I don’t like clowns… or the circus for that matter, so I’ll be hiding from my dating life in the garden from now through October. ♥ Spring can’t get here fast enough.