Category Archives: Happiness

Armed.

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15

I’ve refused to even consider having a gun in my house since I was barely 20 years old. I grew up with Buddhist parents, and we were beaten with the constant threat of bad Karma… not a belt or a frustrated hand. We knew early on that our actions determined our results in life, and that it was extremely important to walk calmly and peacefully through life… or make amends.

I apologize too much… I know this.

I see the good in people long after it’s gone… and my friends and family are worried constantly because I consistently regret it. It’s a mixed blessing really, and though it costs me dearly at times, I’d rather see the good than be jaded.

I trust deeply and it takes a lot for you to damage that trust to the point it’s irreparable.

But once I’m there… there’s no going back. Ever seen the movie Enough? She just keeps on dealing with it and apologizing and then one day… she snaps. I’m the most sensitive girl on earth, with a stainless steel spine.

One of my guy friends stopped by this morning and took me to go shooting… telling me he was sick of my baditude. Throwing a pair of jeans and my boots at me.

Ugh. I’m cool spending the day off alone… but no. He throws a Lunchable at me when I shut the door and I’m happy… until he starts in on me.

D- If you aren’t going to smile I”m taking you back home.

J- It’s a helluva two weeks, that’s all.

D- Yeah. My brother hung himself this morning.

I’m speechless. I don’t know what to say or do and my own little pity party ended abruptly.

J- Oh my God… pull over.

He does… and I start to get all choked up. I reach to hug him and he starts laughing.

D- I’m such a dick… I’m kidding, but do you see how other people have way worse problems? Come on, you’re pretty, you’re sweet and you don’t need to leave to find love. We all love you just fine.

J- You are such a dick, come on, teach me how to shoot at you.

These are the people who keep me real.

We pull up to his Grandpa’s hayfield and he throws a Carhart jacket over my sweatshirt, laughing at me, and shoves me out the passenger side door. I’m a little sick to my stomach to think about touching a gun, to tell you the truth…. and he knows it from the smile on his face as he thrusts it into my hands. My heart is racing and I’m absolutely positive if I drop it it will kill us both simultaneously and he’s bent over, laughing… and takes it back out of my hands.

D- Ohhh the wordy Princess is afraid of guns??? That’s classic.

J- That’s not funny, be nice to me.

D- Quit feeling sorry for yourself and come help me put the saddles on.

J- Awww really? You’re the best, I would have come with you without hesitating if you’d told me there were horses involved.

He chucks a blanket at me and points me in the direction of my horse’s bridle. I start singing the Selena Gomez song that’s haunting me and he threatens to make me carry the gun on my horse. I know when to shut up.

My saddle is too loose… and he wont stop calling me an amateur, but he helps me tighten it and shoves me up and on to the saddle. Ahhh. There’s really nothing so therapeutic as a quiet ride in the snow. I’m so thankful for these quiet moments- this is what keeps me balanced and keeps my life at peace. Simplicity.

Sigh… the trees are lightly dusted, like God shook powdered sugar on the whole meadow. The other horses are voicing their displeasure loudly at not getting to come along… and I’m easing back into the saddle. It’s been a while, and I’m a little nervous. Nothing a nice quiet ride can’t fix.

Yeah right… my asshole friend digs his heels in and goes tearing off… and being that I weigh less and my horse is determined to keep up, I’m hanging on for dear life with every muscle in my body. I see that he’s laughing as we catch up and I blow by him, flipping him the bird, while slowing down so he can catch up and walk next to me. I have no idea where he’s taking me so it’s not the time to show him up.

D- Wanna cut through the woods? You’ve jumped before, right? I’ll let you know when so you don’t fall off.

J- Absolutely!

Ten minutes through the woods and I’m in love again. I have a barn… I could totally have a horse. <FYI, I’m fully aware how delusional this line of thought is, don’t worry>. The trail empties out into a big open field and we hop off and tie the horses up.

He loads the gun… which is interesting to me,in and off itself. I like puzzles… bullets feel a little like that when you’re loading the chambers.

It’s kind of… hot. Really. There’s something tantalizing about the whole process.

He wraps his arms around me and wraps my hands around the trigger and I’m a little breathless. I feel a little… hmmm… dangerous?

If anything I kinda wish I had heels and a cape on to really enjoy this moment, lol…

It’s cold and I don’t like gloves. The cold metal is heavier than I thought it’d be and I’m intimidated by it. He smells like shaving cream, cologne and sawdust… Country boy delicious, arming me with a deadly weapon.

He laughs from behind me, and aims the gun for me…. putting his finger over mine on the trigger and pulling it for me. I closed my eyes and leaned back into his chest and he smacked me in the side of the head.

D- You cannot close your eyes and you have to aim.

We both start laughing.

I suppress the “I’ve been an adequate pain in the ass” giggles… and I feel his chest against my back, his arms against mine, pressing my hands together.

D- You can keep them closed the first time. Get a feel for it and I’ll do the rest.

J- lol… that’s what he said.

I can feel his heart racing against my back and his breathing is shallow… with the muscles in his arms jumping against my goosebump covered arms and I’m acutely aware of his breath on my neck.

D- It scares you, your hands are shaking. Now picture someone coming into your home and taking something from you. Breathe… let it turn you on. You’re not taking shit from anyone, ever again. Are you? Come on. Get mad. Show me you’re not the pushover people assume you to be. Oh Jenni… full of words and what? Where’s your balls darlin? That’s a pretty daughter you have…

And I pull the trigger immediately…. which is followed by a huge explosion…my ears are plugged and he’s coughing. Huh. Yeahh…. that was awesome… and I love the smell of gunpowder.

He made me open my eyes the next time.

He made me pull the trigger myself the time after that…and if you haven’t done it… exercise your right to bear arms at your earliest convenience because it’s fantastic. Time for a shooting range in my backyard.

He even helped me pick out my very own on the way home.

D- Congratulations, you’re officially deadly. Keep your damn eyes open and you should be all set. Lessons start next week, I’ll go with you.

I was scared to death to try… and found out I actually really love it. A perfect reminder that doing something that scares you doesn’t always end badly.

Well…

Unless you’re stupid enough to break into my house.

Surrounded by Love

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7

My sister called yesterday and I didn’t answer. I’ve been dreading Valentine’s Day for weeks- initially thinking I’d be missing my dear sweet boyfriend…

Only to watch that plane go down in flames.

I heard my phone chirp that a new text had come in…

P- Hey… someone just delivered something for you to work…

J- Oh no… what was it?

P- It’s pretty and pink.

J- From WHO?

P- No card.

Huh. I can’t even begin to detail where my mind goes with this.

Maybe he’s really not an asshole? Maybe he sent flowers to say “Sorry I’m a complete jerk and I totally let you down right before Valentine’s day”

lol… no… I didn’t think so either, and I resist the urge to text him to ask. No habla liar, and I’d hate to have to force him to write an original email. I’m sick at the thought they I fell prey to Nathan, Part 2. A snake oil salesman in wolfs clothing… I deserved to suffer for being so damned naive.

I throw on some jeans and a tank top and cruise down to work to see what the deal is.

Walking in with my darling Mr. Mahalo laughing…

M- Uh oh… hustler… what now? No card…

J- Hush, where are they?

Ohhhh my. They are beautiful… pink Phalaenopsis orchids, whoa… I’m delighted immediately that they aren’t roses.

My sister is beaming, Mahalo is laughing openly at the panic on my face.

M- I think they’re from my karaoke buddy, that dude you have such a huge crush on.

J- Shut up, they are not.

P- I think I know.

M- I’m jealous it’s a question at all. It’s not the jerk, is it? Did you ask?

J- No, and I’m not going to.

Few people know that I love orchids. I could totally see my girlfriends sending me flowers today after the week I’ve had- but not without a card. It’s not the week to send anything without a card.

They’re gorgeous- and I’m delighted where I thought I’d be sleepwalking through this wretched holiday. Shopping for my tiny Valentine.

Singing my favorite song… “You heard that I was starting over with someone new, they told you I was moving on, and over you… You didn’t think that I’d come back, I’d come back swinging… you tried to break me but you see? What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…stand a little taller… doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.”

Getting dressed up for work, slipping into my favorite little black dress, determined to fix it’s mojo… wishing it were a Smartypants night.

Red lipstick, vintage crystal necklace… Happy Valentine’s day to the single ladies. We can at least make it look good, right? The funny thing is that every now and then I catch sight of my lips and it’s startling. They’re a little to fire engine for me… but it’s too late to second guess it.If I take it off now, they’ll be orange. Uck.

Walking in determined to face this stupid holiday on my least favorite night at work… with Mr. Bestie smiling at me.

He sent me the orchids…. awww.

B- I knew you needed a smile, and I know what you like.

So sweet. So unexpected. There’s a reason he’s nicknamed Bestie. He’s my best friend and he’s been there for me this past week while things were really rough. He’s one of the good ones.

It was slow enough I got off early and got to join my little princess in the game. It was a really perfect day, if I do say so myself. I looked up and Miss Bestie was walking in. My best girlfriend… carrying a stuffed animal and flowers…. smiling at me.

MB- I’m so glad you’re home & safe, I love you- Happy Valentine’s day.

She’s just so thoughtful and she does things like this that are so unexpected that you’re left feeling nothing but loved, loved, loved… and she leads a crazy busy life in the midst of it all. She’s my Bestie- and she came in just to say hello and bring me some love.

We’re both dying to put on our dancing shoes… and she knows what will save me more than anyone.

Dinner on the fly, bonus baby girl hours and flowers from my Besties… A perfect Valentine’s Day… followed by dinner with my little Valentine tonight… jumbo prawns wrapped in fontina & prosciutto… pesto tortellini and pomegranate sorbet…

Knitting on my little bunny, painting my toenails and enjoying a glass of wine in a bubble bath with my favorite music. Slowing down. Stopping and taking care of the little details that ultimately fix the big ones.

Breathing, feeling loved and grateful.

Not to mention spoiled…

If you can’t stand the heat…

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4

Then you ask me to password protect it ♥

It got the point across to whom it was intended to offend- and well… it takes a lot to bare your soul to the world, and the beauty of blogging is having the luxury of pulling the plug.

Write drunk, edit sober… even when you’re purely drunk on heartache. My Lovely friend was a little blown away by the instantaneous response. She’s still bleeding at the heart a little, and the betrayal is still so fresh. I love her so much, and I know how she’s feeling. You just have to suffer through the hell of it, unfortunately. Nothing much will help, other than time.

Men who juggle women deserve to get their balls ripped off… and verbally? I come pretty close. I’ve suffered through the worst of them, and I know all too well what disappointment and betrayal feel like. I think we all can relate… unfortunately.

He doesn’t take responsibility for it, in any situation. Cheaters are universal in that he will always blame something about you for why he couldn’t be faithful. I’ve learned a lot about the difference in men in the last year. There are two types. Assholes & Amazing. That’s the real black and white of it. He either gives a shit about his personal character and the quality of himself as a man… or he doesn’t.

If he doesn’t, then he juggles women dishonestly. He’s not concerned with his integrity or being true to his word. He’s selfish, and looking out for what you can do for him, not thinking for a second about who the man in your life should be. He knows you’re amazing… and that doesn’t even slow him down. He’s an Asshole, and I can spot one a mile away…. mostly because I’ve dated them so often. I’ve had my douche bag magnet removed and as a result, my standards have been raised to a nearly impossible super-human level.

I’ve been ruined for other men… because I’m a lucky girl who’s loved by Amazing.

Amazing calls. Amazing says exactly what he’s thinking/feeling/doing. He doesn’t have secrets because he doesn’t want you to keep any. He loves you deeply and out loud, without worrying about playing games… because it’s your heart he’s after and he’s determined to keep it. He doesn’t say mean things. He wakes you up with nice words and an undying desire to please you. Wherever you go in life, in any situation… when someone mentions him- you smile from your head to your toes. He can be late. He can forget to call…. but he doesn’t- because you mean the world to him and he’s determined to prove it every chance he gets.

But…

That whole Asshole thing can be attractive… a lesson taught to me repeatedly by a certain 25 year old I dated. I wasn’t used to having to convince someone to like or respect me. It’d always come naturally- because I’m so nice. I learned a lot from the situation and I can’t regret it… because when you’ve seen the worst of the worst? You learn what you aren’t willing to accept. You learn the real value of Amazing.

You know when you see it because it’s completely different from what you’ve seen before and it FEELS right.

It feels Amazing.

There are a lot of Assholes in Amazing clothing. A lot of them are difficult to spot… but for goodness sake when you find that you are the poor unsuspecting girl at the heart of the matter, surround yourself with your real friends.

Your real friends are the people that tell you what a douche bag he is, and beyond that? They tell him too. I have no time for friends in my life who want to befriend my exes. It’s a choice- make it- and be honest about it, because I’ll find out. I don’t tolerate disloyal people. I’ve filled my quota in the last year.

I’m too Amazing for all that. I’m too adored by Amazing and surrounded by Amazing friends. I’ve faced the heat and survived with a whole lot of wisdom to show for it. I’m focused on being as protective of myself as I am of my loved ones. I’m a damn fine woman and I’m finally acting like it. I’m also the friend you call to help you burn his house down, help you bury the body and bail you out, if need be.

I’m the friend who tells you the truth. I’m the friend that flips him off in your absence- because- in my opinion, everyone who loves you, should. I may end up sitting next to one of my friends in jail at some point, but I’ll never be the Judas who kisses the ass of the person who hurt her. There’s a lot of value in being a true friend, because it comes back to you a million times over.

Be Amazing…

There are plenty of assholes in the world. Don’t be a Mike.