Category Archives: Hope

Crazy Bitch

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2

I swear… just when I’m sinking into delicious bliss with the man I absolutely am going to marry if I have anything to say about it…

The Cunt Bag rears her ugly head.

We had a perfect sort of lazy day. My Superman saw the exhaustion on my face and pulled me back into bed, tucked my head on his shoulder and ran his fingers through my hair until I fell asleep.

… 2 hours later I woke up to him smiling at me. My gawddd. I prayed for him. I wished on stars and rolled the dice with the wrong guy several times, always holding out faith that men like this Superman of mine really did exist.

Against all odds and proof to the contrary, I clung to my faith that there had to be a man like him…. and when I say I’m the luckiest girl on earth, I’m not kidding.

He was determined to take me out to dinner, after taking me out for lunch.

S- It’s your day off, let someone else cook.

If he weren’t standing right in front of me, helping me in the greenhouse with the thriving plants just waiting to be planted, I’d swear he were a figment of my imagination. This amazing man is honest, good & so damn everything I ever wanted… I’m speechless.

He offers strangers help. He adores & helps his mama. He pulls my garden-glove clad hands to him and kisses me. I am so incredibly happy I think I’m floating.

My stint in Doucheville has ended. He’s impeccable with his word and he makes his intentions known. He talks babies. <swoon>.  I may have dropped an L bomb last night… fuck. lol…

It’s early. Yes. It’s soon. Yes. It’s hasty. Yes. But if there were ever a man born more worth love and devotion, I’d be surprised. I thought men like this only occurred in Disney movies and soap operas.

He smiles at me and I feel like his favorite flower & flavor at the same time. Respect with a side of take-those-clothes-off.

Be still my heart… I wish all of my friends could be so lucky.

We went to dinner late, after spending a day swimming in smiles and quiet joy. Italian, my favorite- and he’s grinning at me in the truck while I bite back L bombs.

We walked into the restaurant, and there sat the Cunt Bag. Oh great. I just smiled and walked by. I don’t have time for bullshit in this blissed out existence of mine. Haters gonna hate… but they can hate the fuck off.

We laughed over dinner as he gagged over my love for bleu cheese dressing. Fast tracking this love business means we’re still getting to know each other, while fighting the urge to throw caution to the wind and make a dozen pretty babies. Insanity? Yeah… maybe. I really don’t care… when it comes to Superman I’ve thrown off the brakes. Some men are different, and god bless America, I found my anomaly.

We got up to leave and she was still there. Ugh. Some people really make you wish you were blind so you didn’t have to look at them. I averted my eyes and walked past her, down the hallway toward the exit. When I heard her shout.

A- Bye Jenni, have a good night, Jenni.

and I’m sorry… but I’ve fucking had it. She can play ass kisser in front of the idiots who’ve given her too much freedom to torture the employees that actually work, but I don’t have to take an iota of shit from her ever again.

J- Fuck you.

A- Good to see you Jenni!

J- Fuck you.

I kept walking, my back to the nightmare and my sweet Superman walking behind me… when I hear her feet stomping behind me. I feel him behind me and I refuse to sink to her bullshit level. I keep walking. I pushed the door open and walked to the truck while I heard her behind me, screaming about me having shit to talk about her and being good with my mouth. She ran into my dear boyfriend with the door to the restaurant and he stood in her way while she screamed threats at me.

A- You don’t know me, don’t touch me!

S- I’m not touching you, and you’re not touching her.

He hit the button unlocking the door to the truck and I climbed in. She went back inside and he got in next to me.

S- I’m sorry I didn’t open your door, beautiful.

J- I’m so sorry about that. She’s awful.

S- Clearly. Don’t worry about it, I would never let anything happen to you in my presence. Let’s go get a movie and go home.

♥ Love him… love his unending protection and security. I’ve never been so crazy about someone so marvelous in my whole life.

As for her? Someone’s getting a shiny restraining order and that denied unemployment I wasn’t going to contest? Yeah, I have two days left and nothing but motivation coursing through my pissed off veins.

Threaten me and you’ll learn what happens to bullies in the real world. She’s not my boss anymore, she’s nothing more than a pain in my ass that will be dealt with accordingly.

I just might sue them for wrongful termination at this point too. I’d washed my hands of that nightmare of mine, but if I’m going to have to deal with immature bullshit from someone EVERYONE hates- why not?

Fairytales do come true…

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6

They say “She who laughs, lasts”… hmmm… well all I have to say is I’m downright hysterical.

I found my forever. I know it when he looks at me. He sees me picking up something messy and moves to take it out of my hands. He carries heavy things for me. He pulled my trash can in from the end of the driveway…

He met my mom and my daughter today and they both liked him. Honestly he’s a lot like my ex-husband… as odd as that sounds. I actually told him…

J- You’re really going to get along with my kids’ dad.

R- Huh?

They have similar interests. They’re both rooted in a foundation of integrity. They both love a sweet set of subs and they could bond over paintball wars. They would be friends. My mom loved him. My baby girl got high centered on the mower, he helped her and she gave him the stamp of approval.

He doesn’t have his own children, but he was clearly born in the wrong century, just like me. He’s 6 years younger than me. He’s absolutely every bit of my type down to the letter, while being a true blue Ward Cleaver kinda perfect boyfriend. He opens every door for me, including to the car. He stands when I get up from the table. He walks on the outside of me. He holds my hands at the table. I’m sad my Grandpa didn’t meet him to see that I finally got it right.

I deserve every delicious ounce of this amazing man. Breakfast, lunch & dinner dates… a million laughs and sweet gentlemanly respect.

Anybody can be a hoarder. It takes a real man to be Superman.

He hugs me and I know he would kill anyone who would harm me with his bare hands. He’s silky smooth and shiny bald. He has perfectly manicured nails, a beautiful smile and eyes that sparkle at me. He even blushes sometimes when I grin at him.

I’m so happy I’m getting hit on by strangers.

I stopped at the gas station to get a soda and some change for my work bank and the guy behind the counter stood up a little straighter.

G- Well hello there miss, what can I get for you? Going somewhere fun?

J-Yep, work! Can you break this change for me?

G- Like you’re breakin’ hearts?

Uhh… awkward. He’s hot… but who the hell cares. Not me. I’ve come to the promised land and I have my very own Prince Charming. I left smiling, and flew to work. Walking in, one of the guys smiles at me and says…

T- You have a beautiful smile. Seriously- like you’re lit up from the inside. Thank you for bringing your pretty happy smile to work with you.

It’s because I am lit from the inside out and stupid crazy about the RIGHT guy for a change. OMG. Write it down.

Mid shift as I’m waiting for a table, he comes walking in with his mother. She’s wonderful, he’s smiling and I’m red as a raddish. He grins at me, blushes…

R- You look beautiful, how’s work?

Any man who compliments you in front of his mother is one worth bragging about, but this man is nothing short of worth rambling on and on about… obviously, lol. Watching him visit with his mom is right up there with seeing him holding a newborn baby. He’s a genuine gentleman and treats the women in his presence like they ought to be.

He tipped me $60 and told me to call him if he could help me with the garden the next day. All I could do was grin. He leaves me speechless- which is truly saying something for me.

This new life of mine is full of everything I ever wanted. A new job with a boss that treats me with respect, but also like a friend and she genuinely wants to know our opinions. My new co-workers are nothing short of a team of new girlfriends/sisters. I know now, just how horrible my last job was- and more than anything? What an asshole my old boss was. I’ll never let some pipsqueak chauvinist control my financial stability EVER again and I’m sorely tempted to send them a thank you letter for not wasting another minute of my time helping people who don’t appreciate the backs their business is built on.

Never. Again.

I’ll never date an asshole either, never another douche bag. I’ll never be cheated on again.

I far prefer this fairytale princess gig I’ve got going these days. I like being treated like a lady, both by the man in my life and equally as much by the people I’m working for. Miss Faith, a dear friend of mine and co-worker, smiled at me yesterday and said…

F- You’ve come so far. You’re not apologizing for everything anymore. You aren’t running around trying to accommodate everyone at your expense and you are living the life you want, doing the things you need to change your life for the better and look? It’s obvious, and you are much happier. I’m really proud of you.

True story.

When I stopped trying to keep the world happy and I changed the things in my own life that made me sad?

I woke up to my very own fairytale, complete with my very own Prince Charming.

Make wishes on stars, pray for the things you really want… but most of all? Have faith in yourself and DO SOMETHING about the things that make you miserable. Even baby steps add up, and after a while? You’ll be running miles in the life you always wanted.

Learning Faith

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5

I got the job I really wanted today. With my unemployment not even projected to arrive for another 4-5 weeks? I am so thankful I actually clapped my hands when she told me.

I’ll be working with a lot of people I already love and respect in a much more mature atmosphere. I’ll no longer be the oldest server. I like both of the people who hired me enough to invite them to dinner.

… and they’re normal and professional enough to accept. The atmosphere at my last job was very different. I never would have thought to invite either of my bosses to dinner because they work overtime to keep themselves separate from the staff. A very us vs. them sort of feeling.

She even invited me to a party for the staff. She’s openly friendly and I feel my soul exhale. I’m so excited. I got it. I applied for the one I wanted most, first… and I’ll be working there from now on.

Amen… and thank God.

I drove home slowly enough to annoy the other drivers on the road, beaming; and really truly believing in myself again. I’ve been reciting the Desiderata in my head for two weeks, reminding myself constantly that many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. I’ve spent time with my friends, I’ve reconnected with my mama and I’ve remembered who I really and truly am.

I’ve washed my hands of a nightmare only to wake up in my very own dream coming true.

A job better suited to me and where and who I want to be. A clear view of the real friends in my life. A solid view of myself as a single unit only to realize how much happiness there can be found in enjoying your own company without worrying about it always just being you, yourself, and well… you. I’m a helluva lot of fun. It’s ok if it’s always just me.

I don’t mind dancing alone.

I put the pathways into my garden. I planted potatoes and onions. I danced around the rows and sang at the top of my lungs to the amusement of the passersby. I let myself really celebrate my own victory because it’s been a damn scary two weeks and I. Am. So. Excited.

My best friend called and we had to scream on the phone for a while.

Learning to have faith has been difficult for me. I’ve faced a ridiculous amount of challenges in the last year and I’ve let myself drown in anger and fear too many times to count. I’d lost sight of the fact that a little faith goes a long way… and a lot of faith moves mountains.

What a fanfreakin-tastic day.

Mommy

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When it comes to nicknames, I have many.

Lady, Blondie, Tits McGhee, Jen-Dog, The J Train, Blogoddess, and well… Hateful bitch.

They all have a time and a place, but one word reminds me of who I really am. One is timeless and puts an instant smile on my face.

Mommy.

I still call my own mother, “Mommy” once in a while. She smiles too.

It’s that tender plea for love from the woman responsible for your knowing how valuable love is.

She from whence you came. She who taught you everything you needed to know to make your life as happy as she hopes it will be from the moment she knew you were destined to be her baby.

My mother is truly the finest woman I know, and she armed me to the teeth with skills. We had the best conversation yesterday.

M- Honey, maybe I made it hard for you to have a man in your life. I worry about that.

J- What? Are you crazy?

M- We were always so happy and if we needed anything, we figured out how to do, get or be- on our own. I taught you to rely on yourself and I want you to be able to ask for help too. I want you to be taken care of too.

J- That’s the beauty of it Mommy- you taught me to take care of the little details so that the man in my life will have to be so much more than a oil changing, hammer toting chore factory.

My mother taught me an an early age, how very valuable I am.

He has to be funny because I learned to be funny as a kid. He has to work hard, because I was raised by the hardest worker I’ve ever seen. He has to adore me, because I grew up with love spilling out everywhere around us. He can’t buy my love- because I learned at an early age that love is given freely and without expectation. He can’t lie- because I was taught to tell the truth.

M- I know it’s been a hard month. I’m really proud of you for standing up for yourself and I’m SO proud to be your mom. You’re so talented and I am so proud that you didn’t give in to a bunch of bullies. You had enough faith in yourself to raise your head and walk out with a smile on your face with the weight of the world on your shoulders. I didn’t like what that job was doing to you and you are a different person being away from it. It’s all over your beautiful face. I am so proud of you, I’m so happy for you, and I love you so much.

Yep. There she is. My mommy. Saying all the things I need to hear in my hour of panicked need, while I was second guessing myself and eying the jar of change in my bedroom, wondering about yard sales, bills that are piling up and a refrigerator that’s emptying.

Coming in from the garden and finding a bag of groceries on the counter. All my favorite things- and a note that says “I love you, Mom”

I sat down and looked at the brown paper bag full of love from my mommy. Organic everything- because she’s like that. The Greek yogurt that tastes better than ice cream. The love she gives is love that answers the needs in your heart and silences the worries in your mind. There were lettuce, carrot & beet seeds in the bottom.

She who knows you so well she can anticipate the desires you don’t express.

I went back out and planted until dark with an ice cold beer and a handful of carrots… a smile on my face where I’d previously been worried. Knowing, yet again, and because of her- that everything will be ok.

My entire body hurts and the garden is kicking my ass just as it always does in the early phases. It’s a giant flower this year- why not? I fell asleep watching a movie with my little red, knowing it was all going to be ok, no matter what.

Only to wake up to the finest example I can imagine.

I rolled over to see my little angel standing there, with a huge grin on her face, holding a bag. I shook my head and cleared my throat, rubbed my eyes and eased my aching body up to sit in bed and see what this little sweetheart was holding.

R- Happy Mother’s Day. Don’t be mad- I went to the gas station and got you something, but I was totally safe. I wore my helmet and I made sure all the cars stopped before I crossed the road.

I peek in the bag and it’s all my favorite things. Diet Pepsi. A blueberry muffin. Sunflower seeds. Reese’s Peanut Butter cups.

The look on her face was priceless. She was waiting with baited breath for my reaction. So excited and so hopeful that she’d succeeded in her early morning quest. I may have made a trillion mistakes, but I did something right with this amazing child.

I started to cry and she started to laugh.

R- I love you so much mom. Happy Mother’s Day.

It’s a hard day. I probably wont hear from my darling son who despises me. I’ve been really sad about it, but at this point I have nothing else to do but respect that he wants to be distant. I gave him life and all the tools he needs to make it happy. I gave him years of homemade Halloween costumes and lessons in the kitchen. I miss him constantly- but I’m human and need respect too. Love isn’t conditional in my life so if I have to love him from a distance- so be it. I spent two years being estranged from my mom and they were the longest two years of my life.

Everybody needs their mommy. Even me. Even you. Especially him. I’m sad for him that he’s chosen otherwise, but at the end of the day- I’m still his mom. I still worry. I still lie awake at night and hope he’s warm and fed and safe. I always will.

Life is short and time is fleeting. Call your mom and tell her you love her…. and mean it. You never know when you might not have her anymore and when the whole world goes out?

Mom is always right there, standing with her arms outstretched and waiting to remind you of who you really are.

Happy Mothers Day to everyone, whether you have human babies or fur babies or a mom like mine. It’s a wonderful opportunity to be thankful.

♥

Sorry about your bad luck…

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3

I’m fed up with stupid people. I’m annoyed by idiots.

More than anything? I’m inconvenienced by the ignorant and I’m frustrated enough to vent a little.

I’m blissfully happy these days. Drowning in domestic bliss and completely sunburned from hours in the dirt and doing facials with my daughter and her best friend after their school dance.

Pizza and giggles. Aunt MSOK came over to do her hair magic and the two of us giggled in the middle of my acre of dirt. Holy shit it’s huge. She loves my design. I love her.

Life is made so much better by the friends that mean the most. She’s more than my friend, she’s my sister. She knows everything there is to know… even the big stuff. Even the stuff you don’t tell anyone…. and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I drive her insane whining about the same guy, and she works overtime to listen and burn his bridges to the ground- with truth.

Life is about spending it with people that love you, not people that judge you. I don’t have time for anyone who chooses to wear their judgy panties. No time at all… those bitches can hang out with the hoarders. They deserve each other.

That said. I’m about to get a little mad and a lot honest.

To my single friends. It’s very simple if you want to keep him/her.. It’s all about making them wonder if you like them or not. That’s all it is. Don’t respond to phone calls or texts. Don’t have sex with him or her. Torture them with your feigned disinterest based indecision… and wa-la! They’re all yours.  Yeah… fuck that tragic bit of post-highschool histrionics. I like sharks. I like men who see something they want and actively pursue it. I like men that value having exclusive rights. In other words… we have to play the crazy manipulative stalker card or we lose? No. Give me a skilled hunter gatherer, thanks.

Anytime, anywhere… as a woman… when you’re treated like a cheap paper napkin from the KFC drive-through? It hurts.When your sensitive lightweight napkin self has to continually float through his presence… it’s even worse. The moral of the story? If he treats you like a shitty napkin… look at him for the disease carrying controlled substance he is/should be. Wash your hands… with bleach. Pour the rest of the gallon in the bathtub and climb in. Sorry about your bad luck- you should have listened to that snake charmer story more closely…. because you’ve officially been charmed… by a snake. Until it’s on Facebook? It’s not real. Sorry about your bad luck again- if you’re not given the public nod? It’s because there are other women on his FB that he bangs… or wants to.

To the lady at the gas station, bank, bar, grocery store…etc… that hates me because I’m thinner, prettier, etc…than them. Fuck you. I was 265 lbs at my heaviest and I worked my ass off LITERALLY. I’d like to get back down to my goal weight because I enjoy the attention. So there. That’s honest. Wanna be hotter? Lose weight. Wanna open a new page on the menu? Don’t eat dessert, don’t have a drink and run to the grocery store instead of drive.

Nobody said it didn’t suck- and trust me, you’ll end up hating those naturally skinny bitches ten times more. Think about it though. They’re sober, exhausted and they date the worst of the worst of the douche bags because the GQ model guys are the biggest assholes of all time. Popped collar? No. In fact I think I threw up in my mouth a little just typing that. Beyond all that, don’t be a bitch. Don’t glare at me because you’re jealous. Sorry about your bad luck, try harder and FYI- Haterade is high in calories. Kick the habit, or better yet? Love yourself enough that you don’t have to hate anyone else because you don’t. Fix it or flaunt it- or fuck right off.

To my unhappily married friends… where do I even begin… oh I know. Leave each other the fuck alone. The rest of us are tired of hearing you bitch about it. Sorry it didn’t work out, sorry you hate each other now SHUT THE FUCK UP and break up already. Sorry he cheated, sorry you did, sorry you both ARE. I DON’T CARE!!! I shovel my own snow. I haul my own trash. I manage. I don’t love it and I’d love to be some spoiled chick with auto start and a heated driveway- but I’m not. So I shut up and do it. The same goes for marriage. If you signed on for eternal financial security and sex on demand- QUIT BITCHING. If you don’t want to sign on anymore, then sign the fuck out. It’s that simple. If you’re torturing each other you are wasting years of your lives being unhappy. More than that? You’re torturing the fuck out of everyone around you. Spare us if you don’t give a shit enough about yourselves anymore. Don’t fool yourself- we all think of ways to avoid hanging out with you because of it. Sorry about your bad luck, call a divorce attorney and end your marriage before your friends DIVORCE you. We’re over it.

To the shitty bosses… and really? Nothing is more disappointing. You miss spelling bees, dance recitals and your baby losing a tooth- only for the tooth fairy to have to fly to Grandma’s. You miss priceless moments in your life for these assholes and it doesn’t mean a thing. You’re the means to an end and just another name on the payroll. If you never came to work again, they wouldn’t notice. The hypocritical men and women that abuse the power they hold in being able to decimate your financial security. The boss that gossips and talks about the weight of his employees. The one that closes his eyes to it all. The one that is an overpowered monster and looks for your vulnerabilities.  The one who propositions you sexually. The one that drinks on the job. The one that makes everything worse when he’s on the floor. The one that hits on the customers. The one that doesn’t respect you enough to move out of your way. We’ve all had one. We all know “that” guy.

I’m sorry about your bad luck, it’s the social network/blog age and if you don’t treat people kindly or with some modicum of respect? They can have an opinion about that could make you look like the…well… jerk you are. As they say- opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. Unfortunately for the bad guys? Opinions are a lot louder now than they used to be. Fortunately- there’s a very simple way to solve all this. Be kind. Be appreciative. Be understanding and be considerate of how your choices affect the lives of others. Be thankful for the people who make your dreams come true, because in the end it wont matter how much money you made- it will matter what kind of character you built.

Come on… be less annoying and be more happy. ♥ Happy beats being pissed off, every time.