Oh Valentines Day…

♥♥♥A Valentine throwback from 2012 ♥♥♥

It’s no secret that I love love. I love all things love and all things lovely. No amount of heartache will ever change that, whether that makes me stupid, delusional or painfully optimistic or not? I’m determined to not let the assholes that cross my path, change me.

Introspection is worth it, for the right guy. For the right Valentine? I’d tattoo hearts across my inspired ass.

Hence my heart-free derriere…

I woke up with a knee in my back and a cute little arm flung across my neck. My coconut and strawberry scented princess was instantly chatty upon waking up.

I- Mommy…. are you ok? You haven’t said that much about your trip.

J- There’s not much to say. It didn’t work out.

I- Good. He wasn’t cute enough by a long shot.

Oh how your babies can say to your face what everyone else whispers behind your back…

She ran for the shower and her cute little heart print headband while I stared at the ceiling and took a moment to hate this stupid commercial bullshit holiday. Ten minute pity party pause… followed by heart shaped chocolate chip pancakes, heart shaped sandwiches for her lunch and the perfect love note.

“Roses are red, violets are purple… Boys are weird. Happy Valentine’s Day, I love you- xoxo Mom”

I see her walk out of the bathroom, and smile. This is my center. My focus. My happy place. This mommy drenched morning full of hand knit hearts and whipped cream in a can painting her pancakes with even more hearts. Heart shaped banana slices… why not? Nevermind she doesn’t like bananas- lol… it’s the visual I’m after… a side effect of too many years as a graphic designer.

Her life should be dripping in hearts and flowers every day, but definitely today if I have anything to say about it. It makes me ten times happier than some perfunctory dozen roses showing up from some “collector”.

She smiles at me and I ignore her mascara and pink lip gloss for a change. She knows I see it and appreciates the effort I’m making to let her grow up a little… after having learned that you can’t stop it even if you try and it only makes them resent you. I can live with her pretty red eyelashes being painted black… even if I cringe a little at her beauty flying all over the place.

I walked back into my room to throw a sweatshirt over my running gear and found a little red heart folded on my pillow.

I sat on the edge of my bed and fought back tears before I even touched it. It sat there just taunting me, because I know she’s left it for me to find after I take her to school, but I can’t help myself. I reached for it and stopped. Smooth elementary school construction paper, all folded by the sweetest person I’ve ever known… for me.

Proof that I’m doing something right, even if I forget sometimes and let doubt creep in.

Reading it I nearly peed my pants laughing.

“Roses are red, violets are blue, he looked old enough to be your dad and that’s just creepy”

I came out laughing holding it and she looked down laughing.

I- Sorry… someone had to say it. Mama… I know you’re sad, but….

J- Honey love is love. Real love, loves it all. Real love doesn’t need perfection.

I- Nope, it just IS, and this wasn’t. End of story, sharpen your pencils.

Some way, somehow… I’ve managed to raise this child to demand more than mediocre. I’ve taught her the value in real truth and eyes-wide-open faith based in reality- not some pipe dream of roses and diamonds.

I have a dozen diamonds. I have an acre of flowers every year. I plant my own garden and decorate my own soul…. but more than all that?

I’m a mommy. I’ve spent 5 1/2 years of my life breastfeeding. I love babies and I love the simplest pleasures life has to offer. You can paint a permanent smile on my face with a daisy yanked out of the lawn.

Intention is everything with me, and if anything, I strive to outdo the people in my life when it comes to expressing my love…. so I’m knitting little red hearts, and I’m baking little heart cookies I’ll frost with little messages designed to show the people who really show me what real love is, that it is ultimately returned and appreciated.

I’m that girl. That one who refuses to be defeated by someone with ill intentions.

I cannot be silenced because I loved with my whole heart. I threw all my cautious feelings out the window and got my terrified ass on a plane. I rolled the dice on love, and lost, again.

And?

I learned a very powerful lesson.

Love is right in your own backyard…

It’s in the people that leave you little love notes on their checks after you bring them their dinner.

It’s in the child that writes you a funny Valentine.

It’s in the friends that are thankful to have you.

It’s in your healthy vices that keep your heart beating and faithful enough to know that real love exists… and more than anything?

That it doesn’t hurt.

That it doesn’t jump to conclusions.

That it exists purely so that the rest of us who seek it, know to continue- because there are examples of it here and there. I have a girlfriend who said it best the other day…

F- The leap is worth the fall . When it finally works, it’s worth the risk.

I feel the same way.

I have little heart chocolates left in my purse… flowers left at the door… and arms open to hug me in every direction.

So the arrow broke off in my heart. So I bled out a little… so I’m a little naive <or a lot> and I loved every moment that it was good? I’m still confused, but I’m surrounded by so much love I can’t be anything but thankful.

I’m exempt from Cupid this year. I’ve done my time recently enough that he has to leave me alone.

I bought some roses, I have a pound of Godiva truffles… and I have a beautiful young man willing to drive a few hours to make sure I’m smiling.

No heartache. No judgements. Something so simple as a cupcake and a glass of wine. Love that begs only for more time… because nothing is more precious.

Happy Valentine’s day, y’all… Make the most of it or die trying.

Oh She of so much faith…

I woke up to silence… a tiny furry Yorkie dog sleeping as close as he can get to me without being actually ON me. Kicking the covers off, knowing as soon as my naked foot landed on top of the fluffy cloud of down comforters heaped on my bed, my little Tucker Max would be running for my sparkly red toenails. He loves feet. Especially mine.

Giggling & fighting him from licking my toes as he tunnels under the sheets to follow them, I’m forced out of bed to let him out.

On a soft dusky rainy morning in a sleepy silent house. It’s 65* with a latte and the hot tub beckoning me. In nothing but my new Halloween pumpkin panties that say “Trick me”  and the candy necklace my darling friend brought me last night as a gesture of “I told you so” love. Goosebumps spreading from my neck to my knees reminding me that fall is in the air. Smiling at the seasons. Happy with the perennial details.

I love the little things that mean so much. I love the tiny details that make me happy. The perfect imperfection of my life that keeps me going.

I put a million things away today, I folded laundry for hours. I swept, mopped, dusted and ran for a while. I focused on the one foot in front of the other approach, knowing what peace there is in the details. Clean floors make me smile. A clean refrigerator makes life beautiful. A nail appointment where he takes one look at me and frowns.

N- How’s the love life- uh oh.

J- No bueno. He died a quick death just like the rest of them. Lying, cheating, you name it… same old story.

N- No. You need one nice man. Not bad boy. You are very nice, you are a good woman. You will be happy, not sad.

J- Aww, thanks… but I’m inclined to think it doesn’t exist. I’m more than a little jaded these days.

N- I’m a good husband. A good father. I love my family. You will find that too.

This is just awesome, even my favorite nail guy is feeling sorry for me. Awesome…. he replaces them completely, makes them sparkly and talks me into an eyebrow wax.

So I look like a blonde girl with Asian skinny eyebrows… lesson learned. In fact I think I was born with thicker eyebrows than I have right now.

Still, I left feeling a million times better. Prettier… not so completely offended. Reaffirmed and readjusting to silence between us where he’d been so present before. For the record, the silence sucks most of all. It’s the biggest downside to breaking the addiction.

As a comfort eater from the word GO, I have pizza on the brain, combined with not wanting to cook in my lovely sparkly new pink nails… Gourmet Vegetarian pizza from Papa Murpy’s Take & Bake. With Canadian bacon… because it’s better like that 🙂

A fifth of Goose from the liquor store… because it’s that sort of week. Ohhhh and olives from the olive bar… ever the olive junkie.

I miss him as a diversion. Plain and simple. The reality of him is far different. He’s a snake in a polo. A shark in argyle. An asshole in a nice guy’s costume.

Who knows what or who he is, I don’t think he even knows… and I know precisely the woman I am.

I’m a dirty princess. I weed in designer jeans. I wear gloves to cover my beautiful nails and I get dirty. I garden, I can veggies and jam. I knit. I sew. I paint. I write. I smile you into smiling with me. I dance my feet to hell and gone. I work my ass off. I do more in a day than most people in a week. I juggle more right now than anyone else I know.

I’m fucking exhausted, and gawd dammit I deserve a man that isn’t a douche bag.

I deserve someone worth spoiling equally as much as I deserve to be spoiled. It all seems to be such an imbalance.

So I did what any self respecting faithful princess does…

and I bought myself a pumpkin…. a Cinderella pumpkin to be specific.

My $6 says it’s ok to have faith… and it’s ok to believe in fairytales and pumpkins.

My $6 says it’s ok to continually roll the dice, even though I’m equipped with a douche bag magnet and the odds are stacked against me.

At some point? I’m going to roll the dice and win.

At some point? They can’t all be frogs.

He doesn’t need to be a prince. Just good. Just honest… and worthy of the ridiculously delightful feminine hurricane I am. Capable of keeping up with the tornado of yarn & fabric. In love with my pickled asparagus. Sincere in his words and actions… and inspirational enough to leave me torn between curling up in his arms to fall asleep and getting up to write about him.

He just needs to make me think, make me feel and make me laugh… at myself…

But never at my princess pumpkin, or the heart that believes in the magic of it.

I’m canning ginger peach jam tomorrow… along with white plum vanilla bean… all before work.

More importantly? I’m smiling every time I see my pumpkin, blissful with a side of smug.

What a stupid foolish boy with horrible taste and what a ridiculous crybaby to waste a minute crying over someone who wasn’t even worthy.

Sparkly pink nails are wonderful…but my Cinderella pumpkin fixed everything.

Here’s to the best $6 I’ve ever spent.