Category: Internet Dating

Ok Cupid- owns my ass again for another week because I signed in…

Shit. A box pops up telling me I need to take some stupid sexual personality test. So they can put me in the right category. Here’s my result…… I tied… LOL….

You fall directly between two results:

The Dirty Little Secret Deliberate Gentle Sex Master (DGSM)

Innocent but fundamentally sexual, like the word “finger”. You are the Dirty Little Secret.

Few women have the confidence for sex mastery, and among nice girls, like you, it’s almost unheard of. So congratulations. You’ve had plenty of adventures, but you’ve remained a kind, thoughtful person. Your friends appreciate your exploits. They even live vicariously through you.

You seek pleasure, but you’re not irresponsible. You are organized and cautious, and you choose your lovers wisely. One, you don’t like dirtbags. And two, you like to maintain control. Or at least lose it selectively. You might notice that older men single you out. They have an eye for your sensual nature. Take it as a compliment.

You enjoy making people happy, and it’s inevitable that many guys will fall harder for you than you for them. You’re not completely comfortable in a serious, long-term relationship right now. Our guess is that the key to extended happiness will be finding a responsible, but kinky, mate.

and

Genghis Khunt Random Brutal Sex Master (RBSM)

You are Genghis Khunt: master of man, bringer of pain—riding your way to conquest after conquest.

Your sexual avarice is legendary. You’ve already had an unusually high amount of experience, and, still you look for more. You intimidate many. You make no apologies.

Personality-wise, you’re carefree and relatively easy-going. You don’t plan things out ahead of time; you tend to live in the moment. Of course, this can cause some damage when the moment happens to include a screaming orgasm with his younger brother. Hence the ‘brutal’ tag we’ve given you.

But you know what, take five seconds to lock the doors, and you’ll be fine. There’s nothing wrong with a little sex, or a whole lot.

and these are the types of men they recommend for me:

The 5-Night Stand Deliberate Brutal Sex Master (DBSM)

Compassionate, loving, and understanding, but only for one business week, he is The 5-Night Stand.

Sex is his primary objective, and he’s a skilled manipulator. Therefore, he gets LOTS of ass. Most likely, he juggles many women at once; he cares about all of them a lot, but each of them a little. It adds up, right? One love.

He’s not dishonest with people, exactly. It’s unlikely, for instance, he’d actually say “I love you,” just to get laid; and he might even go as far as explaining “I’m not ready for a commitment” to a potential partner. Of course, when he says it, he’d smile that special smile, like you two have an inside joke. You.

The secret of his success? Every nice person has an instinct to fix the broken dirtbag within him. Women especially have this instinct, because deep down they want their sons to be evil, a genetic advantage.

To wit, his most likely occupations are stock broker, lawyer, and photographer. He’s a hard worker, because power and success turn him on.

“While the breadwinning, gentle husbands of the world are mowing their front lawns, he is literally fucking their wives.”

and

The Hornivore Random Brutal Sex Master (RBSM)

Don’t ever marry The Hornivore. Roaming, sexual, subhuman.

The Hornivores are some of the most screwed up and naughty beings in the Universe. And their numbers are growing, mostly due to skipped or misused contraception. He cares not. There’s one thing he wants, one sole need.

Half manly, half bestial, he acts on instinct, and animal charisma smoothes the way. It’s unlikely he’s driven by much other than his own selfish, orgasmic requirements. His appearance and personality have evolved for the hunt. Ass beckons, he obliges.

For the record, he can happily bang all personality types, however his match percentages might be low with the kinder, more sensible people of the world, purely because they all wish to avoid him. Good luck to them.

and

The Bachelor Deliberate Gentle Sex Master (DGSM)

Straight-up. Studly. Congratulations, he’s The Bachelor.

He’s an honest, good-thinking guy, and though he’s very sexually active, people don’t perceive him as a male-slut or man-whore or guy-dick-putter-inner or whatever. He has a sterling reputation.

He’s a careful person, perhaps too much so for his friends’ tastes, but girls like that in him. He probably doesn’t kiss & tell. And he definitely doesn’t brag. He knows he doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone. It’s as if he believes in monogamy, so long as it’s with lots of different people.

Our guess is that he’s got some kind of word-of-mouth going with the girls out there, and that in the future, his sex partners will get even more plentiful, and more attractive, too.

He will settle down eventually, and make an excellent husband. He seems like the type who is into the idea of making copies of himself, so he’ll probably have kids.

and

The Playboy Random Gentle Sex Master (RGSM)

Clean. Smooth. Successful. He’s The Playboy.

He’s spontaneous, and his energy is highly contagious. Guys therefore find him fun to be around, and girls find him compelling. He has lots of sex, and he manages it all without seeming cheap or being hurtful. Well done. He probably knows karate, too.

It’s obvious to us, and probably everyone else, that he’s after physical rather than emotional relationships, but he’s straight up with potential partners. And if a girl he wants isn’t into something casual, it’s no big deal. He move’s on. BEFORE sleeping with her. Usually. At least he tries to. Such control is rare.

and wouldn’t you know it? They know precisely who I’m supposed to avoid:

The Slow Dancer Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD)

Steady, reliable, and cradling her tenderly. Take a deep breath, and let it out real easy…he’s The Slow Dancer

His focus is love, not sex, and for his age, he has average experience. But he’s a great, thoughtful guy, and his love life improves every year. There’s also a powerful elimination process working in his favor: most Playboy types get stuck raising unwanted kids before he even begins settling down. The women left over will be hot and his. His ideal woman is someone intimate, intelligent, and very supportive.

While he’s not exactly the life of the party, he does thrive in small groups of smart people. His circle of friends is extra tight and it’s HIGHLY likely they’re just like him.

and

The Last Man on Earth Random Brutal Sex Dreamer (RBSD)

FACT: The apocalypse has come. All are dead. He never should’ve asked her out.

Shit, rejected again. He’s The Last Man on Earth.

Sorry, but most women would rather see the human species wither to an end—and therefore deny the most fundamental instinct that living creatures have—than sleep with him.

We’ve learned the following: he doesn’t think things through. He’s haphazard. He’s dangerous. He’s somewhat inexperienced. It’s totally obvious that he’s a horny bugger, as well. Everybody knows that and steers clear.

To top things off, when he does find his way into a relationship, he tends to be a dick somewhere down the line and fuck it all up.

There’s a small, but negligible, chance we’re wrong. In any case, his friends find his shit hilarious. There’s nothing cooler than a dude reducing himself to human rubble.

*********************

Oh.