Category Archives: Internet Dating

The online dating epilogue…

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Come on… sing with me first:

Blow the whistle, baby you’re the referee….

I blew my book deal on self respect. I couldn’t bear a few more dates with crazy men. Yeah… I’m saying I’m better than all that- so shoot me. It took a year of dating men I wouldn’t even give a second glance in the grocery store, to gain that level of confidence.

In my year of internet dating, I saw some crazy, crazy shit. Some of which is still locked tight in the draft section of my blog. Some of which will hopefully never see the light of day, because I’d hate to be sued by Match.com like Oprah was sued by the cattle industry for hating on a burger…. cause I could shut that shit down with what I know now.

Apparently (nobody told me) the whole internet dating fiasco is set up for some glorified hook up network.

So let me start by saying that NOT ONCE did I ever have sex with an internet date. Never. First and foremost because thou shalt not fuck weird ill-adjusted weirdos… but more than that?

I wasn’t even the slightest bit tempted, ever.

I saw it all, y’all…. and admittedly I began to hand-pick the crazies, so I deserved some strange experiences toward the end. I began to use my online dating as writing material towards the end of the crazy run, with a publishing group hot on my tail, begging me for just a few more every time I turned in more of my documented suffering.

I chose the weirdest of the weird- so I know just how bad it really is, when it’s at it’s worst. I was the wife-swap producer of Match.com. I systematically chose my opposites, sent a few emails and sat back to watch the trains collide.

I shook the ants in the jar, if you will…. and I never made it easy.

I pulled out my A game. I wore fishnets and heels. Fake eyelashes became second nature and the bleach in my hair was as common as the fake smile on my ruby red lips.

I was propositioned, hit on, flirted with, stalked, insulted, preached to, parented, offered a job, AND solicited for garden advice.

Welcome to dating, crazy internet division…. and not for the faint of heart.

I had a few uneventful pleasant dates… but honestly? It was more fun to date the crazies. I’d given my heart to a man determined to be unavailable, and if I had to pass the time missing him, I preferred to not hurt the innocent.

So I dated the guilty.

1. The extremely elderly appearing Delta pilot who swore he was in his 40′s… hmm…. perhaps 20 years ago…. brought his dog along on our date and let it run around the restaurant. For the manner police, that’s right up there with robbing a bank on the way. I was too mortified to really hear what he was saying. He brought his homemade jerky and it damn near ripped a filling out. Goodness. When he made the awkward attempt to kiss me goodnight, I actually ducked and thanked God at the same time that he was so tall. Out loud.

2. I have a few favorites… but this guy was right up there. The wild African game hunter/ bible beating baptist. My favorite hand picked opposite-do-NOT-attract lunatic. He actually asked me how I felt about “Our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ” before my salad showed up. I understand being passionate. I understand deal breakers…. but come on Grandpa missionery… have some respect for privacy. I told him about my favorite magnet… and it was our only date. One of the only dates I ever left early.

I have a very private relationship with God. I don’t buy a lot of it…. but… I love being Catholic. I have strong Mormon roots. You can take the girl out of Utah but you can never really take the bee out of the hive. It feels like home when I go back… yet I’m far too outspoken to thrive there.

I’m genetically Mormon, raised Buddhist and Catholic by choice. Three details absolutely predetermined to annoy the Bible beating crazy wild animal hunting Baptist. The writing was on the wall, but for the first time, I told a date I was not interested in continuing the date. I told him I was leaving…. and I did.

Slowly… these weirdos taught me to speak up… and how to stand up for myself.

3. My date last Valentine’s Day was beyond crazy. He let me pick a restaurant, and met me there for dinner. He had two dozen white roses in his hands. I must have had a deer in the headlights look on my face because he hugged me hello with them in between us, shoving them towards me. He was about a foot shorter than he’d said… but was attractive and nice. Ish. Something was just…. suspect. He was completely wonderful. Impeccable manners, ordered for both of us- sigh… Hispanic maybe? I don’t know. With the exception of the awkward pile of roses on the bar next to me (he forgot to make a reservation)… it wasn’t that bad. Goose on the rocks X2… and he was pretty nice. He asked me if I wanted to get a drink after dinner and I agreed. He took the roses from me and grabbed my hand on the way to the car. Nice enough- ok… it seemed normal, if a little… early. Whatever. He opened my door- handed me the flowers. and shut it… nice touch. I was impressed. Shiny white Mercedes sends up a red flag… he’s in his late twenties, early thirties… which is awfully young for that sort of debt… I don’t know- I’ve learned too much in doing this for a year… I’m being judgey. He drives around the corner to the martini bar and parks.

I don’t really have time to silently chastise myself for jumping to assumptions before he practically rapes my face with his mouth. I could feel his teeth a half inch from my lips. My word. His hand reached for my thighs and I grabbed his wrist. He was insistent and for the first time in this whole escapade… I was afraid. I was thankful my friends were only a few steps away, and reached for the door handle while holding his wrist to keep it from creeping any higher. Yikes. I sent the preplanned “HELP” text and I was done with him in a matter of 20 minutes.

The fun part?

Two weeks later, I get a call from a screaming lunatic wife… his wife. The wife that wants to know why he has a credit card receipt for two on Valentine’s day, and my number on the roses he bought.

He bought her a vacuum… and frankly I’d trade her… but she was a little too ballistic to chat about a trade. Think of the look on his face if he came home and saw those roses though… lol… I’m mean like that when it comes to cheaters.

She kept insulting me so I told her the absolute details of our conversations, plans, date, and the face rape/mouth attack that occurred in the car. Bad idea… one mention of the car and the lady went over the deep end. I honestly expected to see his face on the news the next day- she was that irate. She thanked me and hung up… I got one text from him later that said “Thanks A LOT!” lol… uh… you’re welcome, Cheater McFaceRaperPants.

I truly have seen it all. I avoided the hippie faction after the last bad time- but other than that… I went on 18 dates.

18 First Dates… never a second… and granted I live in a small town, but I’m the nicest person in the world when it comes to accepting people for who and what they are. As long as you’re not an asshole- you are A OK with me. Let your freak flags fly however you like- I like unusual people.

But these weren’t unusual people. These were crazy people. Creepy sometimes. Scary sometimes. Always weird.

I am an internet dating flunkie- and it wasn’t for lack of interest. I put myself out there and my profile was viewed thousands of times… I got hundreds of emails… and sorted them carefully at times and recklessly at others.

You have to like someone to consider being romantically involved with them. You can’t do that with someone based on a photographs and some cheese-ball fill-in-the-blanks profile. You have to get to know them first… and most of the serial internet daters are all about the hook up.

I’ve seen the stories, read the news… etc. My aunt recently got engaged to someone she met online.

I fell in love at first write…  I come from a place of experience… I know it’s possible.

It does exist… but it’s not meant to be prepackaged and force fed. Figure out if he has a soul first and if you like it. Figure out who he is. BE CAREFUL.

Allow yourself to fall in love with the way he thinks…

But only if he does.

Oh and good luck…. you’ll need it.

….and thank the good Lord & Baby Jesus that my days on the online menu are over. <shudder>

Don’t even get me started on the Naked Man, the Police officer who ran my plates to get my phone number, and last, but not least…Dr. Cocktail Linky- who sent me pictures of his 2″ wang and continues to come in every Wednesday, without fail… sometimes with his wife and kids too. Oh my…

To quote one of my best guys, and the best advice I ever ignored…

~Get thine ass off the internet~

Mr. High School.

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Let me preface this by saying that I got exactly what I deserved  for breaking my #1 rule of internet dating.

1. ALWAYS meet them in the next city over.

I was being lazy… and with 6 dates to go- not looking forward to the fact that this was the first one. I’m not nervous anymore. I don’t fidget. I’m always mildly disappointed, if I’m going to be completely honest.

Internet dating is a salad bar of antisocial people & people looking to hook up. If you find love in the hot mess that is Match.com- good on you. I got my boat stolen as a result. Better luck to you- and keep on eye on your stuff.

I met him for lunch- thinking it’d be light hearted and easy, with a deadline so I could pick my daughter up on time. An hour or less. Just right.

He was waiting when I walked in texting- lovely first impression… but I’m serious- I’m in asshole internet dating mode again. Bitches win, ladies- I can’t put it more bluntly. They love to chase you as much as you love to be chased.

He’s cuter than his pictures, which is an odd occurrence, it’s usually very much the other way around. There’s something vaguely familiar about him. He’s sort of wide eyed creepy smiling at me. I feel a little- uh… edgy? Praying my phone rings…

J- Hi, How are you- I’m

HS- Jenni.

My heart sinks a little. There’s just something creepy about him. Thankful I clung to my #2 Only public places rule.

HS- You were a cheerleader. Your hair was really blonde then too.

He’s grinning and I’m unsure what to do or say other than to scream “Stranger” before he throws a burlap sack over my head and abducts me.

J- Either you’ve done some research or we’ve met before?

HS- I didn’t think you’d come if I told you my real name. I don’t really want six kids either! That had to freak you out!

Not as much as he’s freaking me out right now.

HS- I started reading your blog in January and you talk about internet dating so I just looked until I found you, how have you been?

Um… Feeling pretty stalked, currently… pretty sure there are multiple rabbits on the stove in my kitchen. Definitely going to take shooting lessons now, it’s time to buy a gun. Plus if he’s reading, doesn’t he already know?

This guy doesn’t look familiar- which makes me rethink every facial reconstructive surgery movie I’ve ever seen and I realize that I have to get out of this date. I’ve been really working with my daughter about speaking up and saying how she feels… and I realize I have to do the same… which sucks… but I’m envisioning the walls of this guy’s house being papered with my picture. Yikes.

J- You’re very nice, but I don’t date anyone who reads my blog- sorry. It’s just a matter of preference and past experience. Take care, and it was nice to meet you.

I didn’t give him time to speak, I slid my coat on over my shoulders and walked directly out the front door without stopping.

It’s one thing to date the weirdos, it’s a whole other thing to hand select your own stalker.

No thanks.

We have a winner…

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I have six more internet dates to go on- purely for material- so I’ve left one profile up and have been waiting for the right ones.

I’m picking the weirdos. Weirdest of the weird. I’m totally and completely unavailable, so I’d feel bad if I had a nice date with a normal, attractive guy. That’s just not very nice.

Bitchy? Yeah… but really bitchy would be dating the nice guys and giving them the wrong impression.

There’s only one man for me and I know precisely where he is- and it’s far, far away…

So I may mislead a few crazy people… or distract a few lunatics… but I wont hurt a nice one. I promise.

6 dates.

Then on to writing all 18 out… oh my.

Our date tonight is Herb. (don’t even get me started with the jokes). He’s in international business, is very religious (southern baptist) and would like 6 children. He currently has none. He’s 44, 6’1′ and maybe 140 lbs. Not at all my type, in the slightest. His emails come complete with little religious fish made up of random symbols on the keyboard. Sometimes stars… sometimes dollar signs (which I happen to find HYSTERICAL). He clearly spends some time doing this… which definitely raises an eyebrow.

Herb is taking me to a late lunch- and is excited to meet “Someone Old Fashioned”… granted I have my moments… but I’m definitely a card carrying independent woman. This should be interesting, to say the least…

The email he sent that sealed the deal?

How are you doing today? I do hope that everything is going well for you, your kids and your loved ones.
It was nice to be able to read and learn a teeny little bit about you. Straight to the point and knowing what you want in life with a touch a sarcastic humor… :o ) It does seem that you are quite passionate about life, the things you do and appreciate the small and big things in life.

I would enjoy being able to learn from you in our correspondence as friends. Its something valuable to have a good friendship and enjoy each others company, in our case through conversation.. (virtually or in different ways). Most likely we do have similarities and differences where we can get to know and learn from each other. I understand that I won’t match every single detail but somehow I think that would be a bit overwhelming (or boring) to be exact and not having something extra or different to add to each other. It show that you enjoy humor as I do, so that would be enjoyable to write and talk to each other and allow that to break the ice.

Thanks for taking the time in reading this little letter.. lol . If it’s not of your liking then don’t worry, I do wish you the best in your own search. Enjoy your day… and If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
Take care
Sincerely ~H

Weird enough, right?

Wish me luck.

Internet Dating, revisited…

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A fellow blogger of mine mentioned that she was going to try internet dating again.

Sigh… nothing will ever cure some of the damage of internet dating. It was a wild ride, that’s for sure. I came away from it with a few lessons.

1. It’s totally and completely unnatural. You cannot feign interest and when you are attracted by the best three pictures some dude has of himself? You are in for quite the shock when you actually arrive to your date. Forced intimacy is never comfortable. They ALL tried to touch me. Eeek.

2. Sex was out of the question for me, but I figured out pretty quickly that it was what people were using internet dating for. I was the exception, because most of them were simply building a booty call database. I never had sex with a single one of them. Ever.

3. They’re weird… but then I hand picked the weirdest guys at the end of my online dating stint, purely for the material. I’ve seen it all- and there are some weird guys out there. If you think your immediate pool of options seems dismal? Go look at your online menu… but do it with a glass of wine and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s… because you are about to lose a little more faith. I live in a small town and it’s depressing.

I gave it up- because it was only making me jaded and depressed…. but the mere mention of it made me curiously wander over to one of the sites I’d registered on ages ago… only to realize it was still active, LOL.

There are emails from the last six months. Some so funny, most so awkward… and mostly grating on my last bitchy nerve.

D- Ur hot. Do u want to kick it?

Good Lord, don’t even get me started. The reality of me is that I am goddamn picky when it comes to men. They have to be smart. I can’t date anyone who’s dumb. They have to want to spell YOU out in it’s entirety. It’s one of those pet peeves of mine, I suppose.

They run the full gamut… and then I get to the last one.

OG-Hi again, we’ve messaged a few times on this site before. At least I have messaged you. I still have a crush on you, lol. Wish you were a little older or (more accurately) I was a lot younger. You just sound like “my kind o’ gal,” which naturally I mean as a compliment even if you don’t know me from Adam’s house cat. So anyway, hope your life is going well; I envy you the tomatoes. Good luck, and you’re ever in Spokiedokie, would love to offer you a cuppa.

He’s 64 and I realize I sound like a total bitch, but he’s nearly 10 years older than my mother. I guess what I ultimately came away with was that internet dating teaches you to settle for the list in front of you, instead of just living your life knowing that he’s out there, somewhere… even if he’s far away.

I’d rather have faith and be alone than be depressed and creeped out. I had some crazy experiences trying to hunt love down via the internet. It’s like finding Tiffany & Coach at the thrift store. Yeah it happens once in a blue moon… but most of it is crap. That’s my charming analogy of internet dating. At the end, I was in it purely for the story.

I’m horribly tempted to go out on a few of these dates, purely for the entertainment… but that’s pretty shitty, isn’t it?

…

I might just do it anyway.

Mr. Crazy to the Maximus

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I’m delighted this morning. Yesterday was every bit of perfect and I was running on 3 hours of sleep.

Not looking forward to my date with Maximus. This guy is a hand-picked nutjob. I chose him because his profile was so annoying and offensive. Great. On a day that I’m exhausted… not what I had in mind.

Buzzing like a bee on the perfection of my day. But exxxxhausted.

I agree to meet him for coffee, which is fitting, considering all I’ve done all day is sit and drink water. That’s it. That’s about all I have the energy for.

A solid dose of inspiration to persuade me to go on the date has me walking down to Starbucks.

Ugh. I hate this part. You pray to God they look something like the picture on their profile… or worse? You can’t remember which guy he is, at which point you can only pray he recognizes you and says something. It’s fraught with disaster, but it all goes smoothly.

He’s nice enough, actually. He’s super cute. Brown enough :)

He orders us a second cup of coffee and I’m starting to wake up. Phew. Tired though… and somewhat cranky. Hearing him go on and on and on about his kids is getting old. He’s a full time father of 5. Born again Christian.

Need I say more?

A Right-Wing nutjob.

I know, throw a rock at me, I figured I’d go big or go home on the last date.

Why not ride this masochist thing out to the end? He’s going on and on and on about his faith, his horses, blah, fucking blah. He’s like a television. I sat there listening until I couldn’t take it any more.

J- How do you feel about converting ?

M- To?

J- Oh I’m Catholic….and fairly Liberal… and not a Breeder.

It’s my last date, I’m gonna be shake the hive a little. Which isn’t easy because I’m stupid tired.

M- I don’t agree with you, but you’re just young and uninformed.

J- Perhaps I should watch Fox News huh, educate myself? ha ha ha.

M- No no, stick to CNN.

J- I think maybe we should talk about something else.

M- The fact that you’re only a feminist because your husband left you?

J- Wow, that’s kind of funny. Ballsy, I’ll give you that.

M- Feminism is the result of one failed relationship in a weak females past.

It must be lunatic day. Between Little Miss Vapid and Mr. Crazy to the Maximus I’ve heard some crazy shit today. I’m tired. I’m so tired. The perfect part of my day has happened and I’m not in the mood to argue with a crackpot. I slipped my coat on, zipped my purse shut and smiled at him. He was glaring at me.

J- Listen. I’m not going to change your mind any more than you can change mine. I think it’s safe to say this date isn’t working out and I’m going to leave. Thank you for the coffee.

and… you’re kinda crazy, and pretty rude. You have five kids. That’s a lot for any woman to consider,  assuming the guy is amazing. So yikes… and… yeah. Take care.

M- God bless you.

J- Thanks- He does every day.

and I’m out. Let the crazy bin doors be locked. Deadbolted even. This guy was so crazy and I was so tired that I had to take notes on my cell phone so I wouldn’t forget what he said. You should have seen the look on his face every time I started laughing and opened my phone back up.

I most definitely was not a peach, either. Tired and completely disinterested, though he honestly didn’t seem to notice. I could name half of his damn family and their kids. He went on, and on, and on.

Only to be offensive & condescending? Ohhh and religious. Which is where I really get awkward. Yikes. My faith is extremely personal. People that try to beat you into submission with theirs and think it’s sexy? Need counseling.

Minding your own business is a great place to start. If people want to share personal details with you (those are fun dates, lol) they will.

This guy was exactly what he said he was. Crazy. The perfect way to end my year of internet dating.

Thank you, Mr. Crazy to the Maximus…. for being the perfect example of what to expect with internet dating. I wish I could say this guy was unusual, but this is sort of the norm. Not worth it. Not. At. All.

Profiles deleted, their numbers directed to voicemail- ahhh relief!

I would love to say it’s been fun…. but it’s been crazy. It’s been funny.

… and I’m damn relieved it’s over.

Who wants to go baby kitty shopping with me?