30 Days of Truth, Happiness, Internet Dating, Love

30 Days of Truth, Day 6

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

Now we’re talking!!! I was just about to throw in the towel on this 30 Days of Truth, nonsense.

I hope I never have to go on another date.

Oh… I mean it.

I can’t even fathom having a conversation that lasted long enough for a man to ask, and that feels wonderful. After the dreadful time I’ve had, trying to coexist and cohabitate with the opposite sex, I’m cutting my losses and beginning my collection of yarn and cats.

With yarn, the worst that can happen is an overabundance of hats and toys. Knitting brings me such peace… and did I mention that it utterly decimates your sex drive? It turns out that you can’t worry about blow jobs when you’re counting stitches and working cables. My ex used to threaten to hide my knitting needles.

The cats are dual purpose. They’re wonderful fluffy bits of love that will deter even the most determined man, in large enough numbers. I have three… which is definitely not enough to scare off an ardent fan. Once you get to 7, 12 or 16 cats… then you’ve attained true cat lady independence. Ever walked through a house with 16 cats?

You’d only do it once. 🙂

Aside from them fucking with my yarn, it’s perfectly wonderful.

Unlike dating.

I think back, (or better yet, read back) and can’t believe I had such low expectations for myself. The internet dating was a blast after I decided to do it purely for the writing material, but as a real woman, looking for love?

No.

Two thirds of the men dating online are looking for sex, only. The other third is creepy. There’s two or three guys that you’d actually want to get to know…. but they’re married.

Dating someone locally means hiding from someone locally after it doesn’t work out. I live in a small town, and that is a REAL problem.

Most importantly, my baby girl is at an age where she’s realizing she doesn’t have a daddy like the kids she sees. Her dad pays his child support and calls, but he’s not present physically. She saw him a handful of times last year. So if I were to date, she’d have to make sense of it, and I just don’t feel like it’s fair to add to her already confusing situation. Her dad is already engaged and being a dad to three other kids. She deserves to be my #1.

Is it lonely? No. I suppose it may get lonely at some point, but the animal shelter is only ten minutes away.

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Internet Dating, Love

Plenty of Sharks

One of my besties has been telling me for months to sign up on Plenty of Fish. I hate the format. It makes a graphic designer want to call every single programmer to repair the ridiculous nonsense that is their site. It’s free, you can’t complain.

Especially when they deliver beautiful black men to my inbox all week. Lord, Have Mercy….

Hot. Black. Tattooed. Biceps. Magic words.

Yes, ladies & gents…. it’s so good I don’t even have to respond to the boring white boys.

I’ve found the fish tank for me, and I have three dates next week.

Marcus on Monday, Anthony on Thursday and Maximus on Sunday.

Each one more lovely than the last. A little thugged-out here and there…… but what beats a gorgeous bald black man with HUGE arms… in a tie?

Um. Only two things. A shopping spree at Coach… and another at Tiffany & Co.

Since those are off the table? I have no choice but to date Marcus, Anthony & Max. It’s not so scary when you stack them- but I’m scared to death. It’s favorites week. The same week I’m going to see Nelly in a limo with 13 amazing women.

A week of chocolate, for little ol’ me… who is annoyed and whiny…. and all women know that chocolate is the answer for anything that ails you.

Marcus is an anesthesiologist. He’s 37, no kids, twice divorced. Not a breeder. 6’4′ and beeeeautiful. Shiny brown head, big huge arms, complete with tattoos. If he were a Ken doll I’d buy him for Barbie.

Anthony is 31, in school studying to be a Veterinarian. He has 2 kids who live in Florida. College football player…. wowzies…. you could bounce a quarter off any inch of him. Short- he’s 5’8″ but I think that means I can still wear my heels? I don’t know… he’s cute enough to wear flats.

Maximus. You certainly have a lot to do to live up to that name…. and he does not disappoint. He’s 6’3″ and looks like he could push the car home if it died. Good old fashioned ‘roids fan. Or else he’s part superhero. Conservative. Hmph. :/. 5 kids that live with him. Yeah right… I had to agree to this one purely for the story, the last thing I want in my life is a man with 5 full time children. No offense dads… but seriously. That’s a helluva lot.

Juggling text messages and thankful for the distraction….

Inspired, by chocolate.

🙂

Internet Dating, Whine/Rant

Original low!

This plentyoffish stuff is out of control. 30 a day and they are only devolving.

Jackoff69 – Wanna Skype?

Wow. I’m a little speechless at the though of him unsnapping his bib overalls. What’s with the not smiling? It makes them all look like potential rapists. I spy a mustache…. sorry.

J- No. Thanks. Helluva first email, that’s a first. 3 points for originality, take care.

Toohot4runnin- Are you an angel?

Perhaps I’m just odd, but my first thought is…

Is he threatening to shoot me out of the sky? Crazy weird to include a picture of him pointing a gun at something in the sky and that little smiley angel with wings. Funny… this guy is waving his red flags for the world to see from the very first email.

Am I an angel…. well. No. In fact a healthy argument could be made to the contrary. I’ve really thought of tattooing some wings on, but only because they’d look fantastic in a sundress all summer. I have my angelic moments.

I make a point to try… but yeah… sometimes I blow it.

No picture with the next original approach.

Zacksfans- thats rud i live with my mom i take care of her shes 81 years old. im going back to school and it saves us both money.

I assume he means rude? At any rate, if he can’t figure out that my “you can’t live with your mom” clause wouldn’t apply to someone caring for their elderly mother? He can’t keep up.

I’m copying and pasting back and forth and the chat box pops open and it’s the 62 year old creeper from last week.

Dirty old man- Hello, how are you tonight, I would like to chat.

I’m scanning the box in front of me and he continues to ask me questions.

DOM- I love your hair and your eyes.

DOM- No not a stalker.

J- Never. Ever. Goodbye.

DOM- I’m sorry to have bothered you, good evening.

This stuff is so funny I can’t delete my account. I’m bored out of my mind and buried in a million things to do. Panic just under the surface of a stronger foundation.

But I know this is guaranteed entertainment. Radio silence from the one you want to hear from… sucks. It eats away at you all day while your phone sits silently next to you. Fully charged. Ringer on high.

Stone cold silent…..argh!

Plentyoffish is plenty of free entertainment, right at your fingertips to take your mind off what’s bothering you.

You can’t make this shit up. I swear you could make a fortune if you started a business that built someone’s profile for them. There are so many hysterically funny original moments, most recently the guy who told me he’s on SSI with an under the table business selling knockoff handbags and tennis shoes.

That one is tough to beat.

Internet Dating

Boredom dictates dating…

Ok Cupid- owns my ass again for another week because I signed in…

Shit. A box pops up telling me I need to take some stupid sexual personality test. So they can put me in the right category. Here’s my result…… I tied… LOL….

You fall directly between two results:

The Dirty Little Secret Deliberate Gentle Sex Master (DGSM)

The Dirty Little Secret

Innocent but fundamentally sexual, like the word “finger”. You are the Dirty Little Secret.

Few women have the confidence for sex mastery, and among nice girls, like you, it’s almost unheard of. So congratulations. You’ve had plenty of adventures, but you’ve remained a kind, thoughtful person. Your friends appreciate your exploits. They even live vicariously through you.

You seek pleasure, but you’re not irresponsible. You are organized and cautious, and you choose your lovers wisely. One, you don’t like dirtbags. And two, you like to maintain control. Or at least lose it selectively. You might notice that older men single you out. They have an eye for your sensual nature. Take it as a compliment.

You enjoy making people happy, and it’s inevitable that many guys will fall harder for you than you for them. You’re not completely comfortable in a serious, long-term relationship right now. Our guess is that the key to extended happiness will be finding a responsible, but kinky, mate.

and

Genghis Khunt Random Brutal Sex Master (RBSM)

Genghis Khunt

You are Genghis Khunt: master of man, bringer of pain—riding your way to conquest after conquest.

Your sexual avarice is legendary. You’ve already had an unusually high amount of experience, and, still you look for more. You intimidate many. You make no apologies.

Personality-wise, you’re carefree and relatively easy-going. You don’t plan things out ahead of time; you tend to live in the moment. Of course, this can cause some damage when the moment happens to include a screaming orgasm with his younger brother. Hence the ‘brutal’ tag we’ve given you.

But you know what, take five seconds to lock the doors, and you’ll be fine. There’s nothing wrong with a little sex, or a whole lot.

and these are the types of men they recommend for me:

The 5-Night Stand Deliberate Brutal Sex Master (DBSM)

The 5-Night Stand

Compassionate, loving, and understanding, but only for one business week, he is The 5-Night Stand.

Sex is his primary objective, and he’s a skilled manipulator. Therefore, he gets LOTS of ass. Most likely, he juggles many women at once; he cares about all of them a lot, but each of them a little. It adds up, right? One love.

He’s not dishonest with people, exactly. It’s unlikely, for instance, he’d actually say “I love you,” just to get laid; and he might even go as far as explaining “I’m not ready for a commitment” to a potential partner. Of course, when he says it, he’d smile that special smile, like you two have an inside joke. You.

The secret of his success? Every nice person has an instinct to fix the broken dirtbag within him. Women especially have this instinct, because deep down they want their sons to be evil, a genetic advantage.

To wit, his most likely occupations are stock broker, lawyer, and photographer. He’s a hard worker, because power and success turn him on.

“While the breadwinning, gentle husbands of the world are mowing their front lawns, he is literally fucking their wives.”

and

The Hornivore Random Brutal Sex Master (RBSM)

The Hornivore

Don’t ever marry The Hornivore. Roaming, sexual, subhuman.

The Hornivores are some of the most screwed up and naughty beings in the Universe. And their numbers are growing, mostly due to skipped or misused contraception. He cares not. There’s one thing he wants, one sole need.

Half manly, half bestial, he acts on instinct, and animal charisma smoothes the way. It’s unlikely he’s driven by much other than his own selfish, orgasmic requirements. His appearance and personality have evolved for the hunt. Ass beckons, he obliges.

For the record, he can happily bang all personality types, however his match percentages might be low with the kinder, more sensible people of the world, purely because they all wish to avoid him. Good luck to them.

and

The Bachelor Deliberate Gentle Sex Master (DGSM)

The Bachelor

Straight-up. Studly. Congratulations, he’s The Bachelor.

He’s an honest, good-thinking guy, and though he’s very sexually active, people don’t perceive him as a male-slut or man-whore or guy-dick-putter-inner or whatever. He has a sterling reputation.

He’s a careful person, perhaps too much so for his friends’ tastes, but girls like that in him. He probably doesn’t kiss & tell. And he definitely doesn’t brag. He knows he doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone. It’s as if he believes in monogamy, so long as it’s with lots of different people.

Our guess is that he’s got some kind of word-of-mouth going with the girls out there, and that in the future, his sex partners will get even more plentiful, and more attractive, too.

He will settle down eventually, and make an excellent husband. He seems like the type who is into the idea of making copies of himself, so he’ll probably have kids.

and

The Playboy Random Gentle Sex Master (RGSM)

The Playboy

Clean. Smooth. Successful. He’s The Playboy.

He’s spontaneous, and his energy is highly contagious. Guys therefore find him fun to be around, and girls find him compelling. He has lots of sex, and he manages it all without seeming cheap or being hurtful. Well done. He probably knows karate, too.

It’s obvious to us, and probably everyone else, that he’s after physical rather than emotional relationships, but he’s straight up with potential partners. And if a girl he wants isn’t into something casual, it’s no big deal. He move’s on. BEFORE sleeping with her. Usually. At least he tries to. Such control is rare.

and wouldn’t you know it? They know precisely who I’m supposed to avoid:

The Slow Dancer Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD)

The Slow Dancer

Steady, reliable, and cradling her tenderly. Take a deep breath, and let it out real easy…he’s The Slow Dancer

His focus is love, not sex, and for his age, he has average experience. But he’s a great, thoughtful guy, and his love life improves every year. There’s also a powerful elimination process working in his favor: most Playboy types get stuck raising unwanted kids before he even begins settling down. The women left over will be hot and his. His ideal woman is someone intimate, intelligent, and very supportive.

While he’s not exactly the life of the party, he does thrive in small groups of smart people. His circle of friends is extra tight and it’s HIGHLY likely they’re just like him.

and

The Last Man on Earth Random Brutal Sex Dreamer (RBSD)

The Last Man on Earth

FACT: The apocalypse has come. All are dead. He never should’ve asked her out.

Shit, rejected again. He’s The Last Man on Earth.

Sorry, but most women would rather see the human species wither to an end—and therefore deny the most fundamental instinct that living creatures have—than sleep with him.

We’ve learned the following: he doesn’t think things through. He’s haphazard. He’s dangerous. He’s somewhat inexperienced. It’s totally obvious that he’s a horny bugger, as well. Everybody knows that and steers clear.

To top things off, when he does find his way into a relationship, he tends to be a dick somewhere down the line and fuck it all up.

There’s a small, but negligible, chance we’re wrong. In any case, his friends find his shit hilarious. There’s nothing cooler than a dude reducing himself to human rubble.

*********************

Oh.

Internet Dating, Whine/Rant

It’s only Monday and we already have pervert of the week!

Its the first time I’ve gotten an email that demanded instant blogging.

May I introduce…. Vern.

Yur HOTTTT:

I like to ride my bike on long trips camping out along the way with a good woman with her on my bike or hers or even better ON me i like to cook but i am the only one that likes it sometimes i have big house in spakan with 3 BIG bedrooms you jus havent met the right 50 year old jus wait n see growl

I have to take a minute and say, once again, Thank God and All that is Holy that Match.com doesn’t give out your personal address. Seriously. I’d buy a gun tomorrow- and beg someone to teach me how to shoot it. Actually- I’d take Shawn’s advice and buy a shotgun that would definitely take this guy out.

His email is nearly a perfect description of hell on earth, for me.

1. Long trips on a bike… No. Never. I’ll happily kiss my husband goodbye and send him on his merry little way if that’s what he wants to do- but I’m past the point of doing shit I hate to impress the man I love.

2. Camping out along the way… I love to camp. Love it- but I’m a prepared camper. Just because you’re sleeping on the ground does not mean you have to suffer. Who likes to suffer? I want my kids to love camping, not dread it. I take air mattresses, down comforters… and my egyptian cotton sheets. To hell with anyone who would talk smack about my camping in comfort. Something tells me there’s not room for the sheets and air mattresses on the Harley. Not to mention- if you’re ass is stuck on the seat of a motorcycle all day long- shouldn’t you at least be able to look forward to a hotel room? Ugh- yuck.

3. Making a sexual reference in a first email is just nasty. Riding ON him? Suffice it to say- I’d become a man first…and we all know how likely that is. 3 BIG bedrooms… Yuck, gag, yuck. Shiver…

4.He likes to cook but sometimes he’s the only one that likes it… That’s so tempting. Especially for a girl who’s recently come to terms with a cooking fetish… No. I don’t ever want to be the only one in the relationship that can cook, ever again. I’ve officially been ruined for you Kraft Macaroni & Cheese boys. Thank Goodness.

5. The man is 59 years old… There are so many things wrong with him emailing me I don’t even know where to begin.

6. growl…. the man growled at me? Or is that his biker name? Does it really matter? lol

I couldn’t resist. 🙂

Vern

Generally I don’t take the time to write back to people who decide to boldly ignore what my profile states I’m looking for. But in your case, I decided to make an exception.

First and foremost- you’re nearly 60. I’m 33. It says you have children, and I’d be willing to bet they’re probably my age?  Making gross sexual references in your first email to a woman who could be your daughter’s age is disgusting- and you should really be ashamed of yourself. For both the perv-o email and the fact you can’t seem to capitalize, punctuate or spell the name of the city you live in.

Vern- go take a long hard look in the mirror… then at my picture. How often do you see that couple?

Bad form, Vern, seriously.

-J