Let me preface this by saying that I never imagined I’d be going to heaven. Good thing too, because this could land me in purgatory forever.
I realize I’m far too adventurous for my own good, but I have never resisted temptation before and I don’t intend to start now. I’m an amused atheist at best, so I’m afraid this is too tempting to resist, even for me.
I was so tickled by the idea that I told my coworkers yesterday. The songbird laughed.
S- I know this is happening soon, because of your big date this weekend. What are you wearing?
Reason #5076 I’m going to hell.
I flew home, made dinner, read bedtime stories and jumped in the shower as the sitter walked in. The Dumpling is overjoyed and I’m running 25 minutes late.
The Foreplay King is taking me to this bizarre date and I am rising to the occasion in every way I can. Shaved, waxed, painted and flying out the door in a fog of expensive perfume and fear.
I have an hour drive and I am second guessing everything I’ve done since the last time I went to confession, which was in 2011. I catch sight of my fishnet stockings and laugh for the first time in days. A full belly laugh that has me wiping tears out of the corners of my heavily made up eyes. Straight to hell, ha ha ha.
I’m fading and so tired. I worked all weekend and am in desperate need of a nap. I pulled into the next gas station I saw and ran in. Two hot pink Monsters in my hand, beef jerky, because I’m starving, and the cashier raises an eyebrow at me. It’s five and I’m dressed for ten. I grinned and paid the confused man.
We don’t have hookers in North Idaho. I’m sure I’ve given the man quite a story.
I unearthed my black leather miniskirt from the box of skinny clothes in the garage, and laced myself into my favorite black corset for good measure. Clipping into those fishnet stockings was merely the icing on the ass cake.
My little cardigan isn’t fooling anyone, all I’m missing is a riding crop.
I called him as I got in the car.
J- You better dress up. The gas station guy just gave me wide eyes.
G- I am SO excited. Also dressed. Hurry, I can’t wait to see what you picked.
I’ll stop right here and say that I knew full well that he was in a suit because I’ve given him plenty of motivation to do what I want. He was in Armani and I bit my lip so hard it bled. Something not allowed in his new car. He tugged me in through the kitchen door and the grey hit me in the chest.
Uhh.hhh…hh… This poor man likes me because I bring color to his life. Everything in his house is a shade of slate. I’m disappointed that my panties are black because I’d love to wander around this house half clad in red.
I wander into his closet and my mouth goes dry. Dear God. I understand a man’s proclivity for a garter belt after seeing his ties, hanging around me. I look up to see him standing in the doorway, smiling knowingly.
G- You love purple, yes?
He pulls a grape satin tie off the hanger and wraps it around my neck. I can’t speak. My teeth are permanently embedded in my lip.
G- We need to go.
His hands are tying it instinctively and I’m doing my best to control my breathing. If he thinks I’m taking it off, he’s insane. It looks like I’m wearing a tie now, too.
He pulls me to the car by the tie he’s tied around my neck and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to cancel the whole adventure then and there. He drives a Tesla like my brother just bought and it hardly needs his attention to get us there.
J- These people are going to know we’re here with ill intentions..
G- Babydoll, everybody is here with ill intentions.
J- Let’s do this. I’m tired.
We got out of the car and walked into the restaurant, with his arm hanging protectively around my shoulders.
The second the door swung open, I was stunned. These are beauuuuuuuuuuuutiful people. A pretty blonde woman smiles at me as she eyes me from the ankles up.
Whoa. I wasn’t ready to be so popular. Suddenly we’re surrounded by our new friends and I’m being vetted as the new vag. My date is smiling at me, smugly and I feel uneasy.
S- Who are you? What makes you different?
Her question took me by surprise, because I actually feel compelled to answer it honestly.
J- I’m a mommy, first. I’m a designer, a seamstress, a farmer, a daughter, sister and best friend. I’m the worst enemy, the best cook, umm…. I don’t know?
I hear someone else say “I’m an accountant” and laugh at myself. What the fuck am I even doing in such a weird situation. I ordered a double Goose on the rocks and told Mr. Grey he was driving me home.
Grey is looking at me like I’m a t-bone and I’m inclined to volunteer as dinner. This is fucking weird and I’m not sure what to do next…. when the man beside me takes out a bible.
I stuck my hand out towards Mr. Grey in a desperate attempt to escape. He did not help. Alrighty then. Here we go.
M- Isaiah 4:1 And seven women shall take hold of one man in that day, saying, “We will eat our own bread and wear our own clothes, only let us be called by your name; take away our reproach.”
I saw Mr. Grey frown at my left eyebrow, which has a mind of it’s own.
J- and here I was feeling so guilty about having two. I need five more?
Yep. You could have heard a pin drop. My fishnets burned a little if I’m going to be honest. I’m also tired, pissed off and sick of foreplay. I shot a text to the man I’d like to have waiting for me when I get home. Don’t hate.
My biggest fear going into this crazy date was that I’d walk in and recognize someone and I’m really happy that I walked in and recognized myself for a change.
Stepping outside of your comfort zone is critical and I’ll continue to give into temptation at breakneck speed, but knowing your worth is everything. I will not be patronized and shamed by a bunch of freaky swingers. Absolutely not. We left shortly afterwards.
He drove me home, I drank three more glasses of wine and sent text messages I regret…
but at least I didn’t wake up with Polly and Dave.