Category Archives: Internet Dating

The Options

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7

Oh and they are interesting. Not as crazy as Josh & Amy’s quest for a guaranteed-to-be-resented sister wife, but go figure… that will be hard to match.

First up we have Joe. Joe is 42 and likes to play video games and hunt. Joe made the list because he has sent me the same awkward email… six times. I’ve never responded, but it just keeps coming- every two days or so.

Hmm…

“Hi there. How are you? I like to see if we can talk and get to know each other and to be friends, and to build up on friendship and go from there? I am not here to play any games,ok? Just letting you know. Thanks. Joe”

Phew… all this time I was worried sick he was a player… lol…

Next up we have Justin… a darling young thing that WONT STOP emailing me. Four a day, sometimes more… and all increasingly more difficult to understand. Justin is 25.

Heyyyyy baby hit me up so we can c if we clik. Be my Misses Robinson plez!

First things first, I just don’t think I can date someone who grew up with Sponge Bob… because I remember when buying the first few for my own CHILDREN. Nevermind he looks to be the same age as my son. No. No. NO. It would be funny though… maybe he’d take me to the new Disney movie?

Oh Steve… 48 and a classic example of the older men who contact me with novels before I even say hello back. Creepy. Also guys who swear in their first email to you. Ew. I have a foul mouth- but there’s something so disrespectful about that in my opinion.

Hello, Hmmm, I’m the exception to the rule? Well I suppose that would depend on the rule you’re talking about. See the norm that I have found when dealing with women is, the worse you treat them, the more they like you. Never quite understood that rule and why women always seem to go for the assholes. It seems the nicer you treat a lady, and actually treat her like a lady, she either bolts on you or ends up cheating on you, sooo. Back to the question, which rule are we talking about? As for the rest, when I lived in NY (I’m new out here) I tended to have more female friends than male friends (they tend to be prettier and it’s not all about who can drink more beer) and my mother hasn’t tried to set me up on a date ever, that I can recall. :) So if you are the exception to the rule, by all means, message me back. If you’re looking for the tough guy, beer drinking, gun toting, wife beating type, well, have fun with that but it’s not me.

Awww damn. I’ve been dying to get beat up by my gun toting alcoholic man. Isn’t that who every woman is looking for? <eyeroll> I love the emails that tell you how fabulous they are then dismissing you as wanting an asshole. What a helluva approach to illicit a response. Fucking weirdo, lol.

We’re just gonna call this guy Yikes… because that sums it up. He’s 52 and sent the following email.

“I want to fix you dinner and eat you for dessert, any takers?”

Nope. Nope. Nope. Not for so many reasons. 1. EEWWWW. 2. How RUDE. 3. Not for money or at the threat of homicide would I go anywhere near those face pubes. That’s the shit I have nightmares about.

And then… there was light at the end of that dark scary tunnel. A cute one… With capitalization and punctuation skills. Hmm… perhaps it’s time for a normal date, just to remind myself why people actually do this with the intention of meeting an actual person to date.

Meet The Cute One. He’s 41, a single dad and is looking for a long term relationship.

Hi there…pretty smile girl :) Very.

Ok so cute doesn’t  come with many words, lol… but I had to include at least one attractive option if only to remind myself that they aren’t all a bunch of crazy weirdos.

Now vote… because I’m letting you pick this time. This should be fun.

Well that’s a first.

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Once upon a time, I had a dirty thief of a boyfriend who wanted to have a guy join us intimately.

For him.

I let the idea roll around for a little while… but ultimately I freaked out and said no. Something about the thought of seeing a dude’s face over his shoulder… <shudder> no. I wanted to think I could be supportive and open to anything… but that was further than I was willing to go.

Thanks be to God.

I gave a boyfriend the ultimate birthday gift, once upon a time. ‘ahem…but  threesomes are awkward and unnatural- sorry. There’s really no getting around it.

Along those lines… when I got to my date today? He wasn’t alone. He brought Amy, his wife… with him.

After reading his preachy religious profile again, I wore a tight red sweater and my favorite jeans… my favorite heels and pearls. Playing with fire in a contained area.

I sit opposite the two of them and must look as uncomfortable as I actually am because the waitress rushes right over.

J- Double Tanqueray and soda. Please.

She doesn’t even stop to ask them, she turns around and goes straight for my cocktail… bless her heart. They’re both drinking Mountain Dew, looking at me disapprovingly. Lovely… oooh boy, judgey religious sober swingers. My phone chirps at me and it’s a certain habit of mine and he’s funny, so I’m laughing and texting him back and… oh they are so not impressed.

Definitely not ready to hear my “OH MY GOD I love my iPhone and I don’t know how I ever lived without it” speech. Not texters, that’s for sure. I put it in my purse and they both start talking at once.

Amy/Josh: We just I wanted you understand I we needed thought both of us should meet you.

I have to be honest… I can hear my phone chirping in my purse and I’m itching to read it… itching. To the point I’m fighting back laughter.

J- Yeah I guess if you’re looking for a sister wife, you should both approve.

A- I love that show.

J- Good thing.

She stares disapprovingly at my little red sweater.

J- You don’t like me.

A- I believe in dressing modestly.

J- So you like me, you just don’t like my sweater?

A- I like you both just fine.

I looked at her, sitting in a booth next to her husband who is a big fan of my sweater. He’s chomping at the bit and she’s furious. She’s stuck… and she’s not fucking happy about him wanting to bring another woman into her home.

I’m sorry, but that’s just natural.

We exploit men with our sex appeal and flip out when they fall prey to the same in our absence. That’s because if you’re doing your job, he shouldn’t want or need anybody else… right?

Nope… sadly enough… there are men who still want more.

But this wife? This wife who’s helpfully screening his dates? Wants to chop his penis off and hang it in the window for everyone to see. I’m not even kidding.

Her legs are crossed and she’s kicking her right foot a little too rapidly. She’s pissed off in a big way and he’s asking me what kind of food I like with a dopey look on his face. He reaches across the table and touches my elbow at one point and I flinched, expecting her to launch up and at him… or worse, me.

My phone is chirping and I can’t resist… and it’s funny and the stupid creeper husband sees me grinning at my phone and speaks his mind.

Josh- Women don’t keep secrets from men.

and he held out his hand, as if my inner crackhead would hand him my phone?

I low fived him and asked for the check. One drink, thank you, goodbye.

Ok… so I may have a penchant for sweet talkers, gentleman <real or pretend, lol> and pretty boys….

But I’ll never be the downtrodden wife kicking her foot angrily while my husband shops for a date in my presence. No.

I’ll be on my own date, thanks.

Which is where this whole sister wife bullshit loses with me. If he can have a sister wife… I can have a brother husband… or I don’t want to play that game.

Neither did Amy… who looked incredibly relieved when I got up and left.

Almost as relieved as I was.

Listen to Mr. Man Card…

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My favorite nice guy, the illustrious Mr. Man Card, came to hang out with us last night while I went on a Crown Royal sewing bender.

With the bags… not the booze.

A challenge to see if I could sew a hat. I looked for hours and couldn’t find a pattern. I looked at the pile of bags I had and decided to just go for it. Made myself a cocktail and started cutting.

It’s effing awesome, if I do say so myself… and lined in cashmere, thankyouverymuch.

We made him model them, and because he’s the nicest guy ever… he obliges us.

Behold… my Crown Royal… crown hat… and my apron…

Running out of things to sew leaves me with a few dozen internet dating emails to check, and my phone is blowing up with text messages from Mr. Bartender.

At which point, and mid-giggle trying to read him the latest email… he looks at me and shakes his head.

R- Jenni… Oh my god. You LIKE douche bags. Oh no. Aw hell.

J- Oh stop. He’s nice.

R- He’s whiny, and omg are you kidding me? A bartender? You know who he looks like?

J- Shut up Robby.

R- I’m not kidding. No more douche bags. You’re a nice girl, no more.

I’m reading the emails out loud and he’s reading my text messages and whining. lol… and I read the last one and he covers his face with his hands and shakes his head.

R- NO. NO. This is just wrong. No. I won’t let you anymore. This has to stop. No losers, and NO douche bags. Jeeez. What do you do in your spare time besides crush hearts and delude weirdos?

J- Um.

R- Right… and he’s just the same. Damn it. I’m helping you from here on out. No more of this.

Just a crazy sister-wife date, in ten minutes.

PRAY it’s funny, I’ve had a long day.

First Impressions, a RANT.

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What I really should do, is quit my job and open a business tailored to helping men sound like someone COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than they are, so that they could be more successful at internet dating.

Because frankly… they’re all so fucking ignorant I want to scream. If I weren’t hand picking the odd balls, I’d want to sew my vagina shut and live in an underground bunker- just to avoid the penis-folk.

I really have to pull out my bitchy soap box this morning though, because out of 19 emails, 2 men have taken the time to spell out the word Y O U. I understand shorthand laziness and I get that 90% of people just write “u”… but I’m not one of them, and when you have nothing but email to rely on for a first impression? Make it fucking count. For crying out loud, be so bold as to use two more letters while typing.

Here’s a sampling… so you can see what I’m fuming about.

Hi j how r u first date meet u in sandpoint for a drink and c where it goes from there what do u think

C where it goes from where? Perhaps you want to meet my … uh… well… shit. I don’t know anyone his age so I guess that’s out. If I introduced him to my mama she’d smack him.


I’m extremely multifaceted, most definitely one of the most interesting individuals you will meet, and I can promise you that! I have seen and done a lot in my days here on the planet EARTH. I tend to have an insatiable appetite for learning, which lends itself to many adventures. I am driven and have an uncanny sense of personal motivation. I am independent; although that can be my biggest strength, it can also be my greatest crutch. I would describe my adventurous ways as a cat, just a little mischievous, but one that will always land on its feet! I guess some, would label this as a free spirit, because I am passionate about humanity in a way that most others can’t touch. I am selfless in ways, which most don’t understand. I give of my time, without thought or payment; more often then most do in their lifetime.
Have I scared you away yet? I promise I don’t bite…

And ya lost me… I love a good biter. lol… BUT. The thought of this man biting me after his rather Thomas-esque 18 page email about how fantastic I am and how magnanimous and charitable he his, makes me throw up in my mouth a little. This guy does everything but email you the title to his mid-life crisis mobile. I understand some men play the sugar daddy card… but I’d rather be poor and exhausted in love than face my wifely obligations with any amount of hesitation.

hi j, i read ur profile and decide to say hi. if u would like to chatt sometime feel free to say hi. by 4 now good luck fishing.

Nevermind school was canceled yesterday due to snow. Nevermind it’s NOT FISHING WEATHER. It’s another one of those UR douche bags. For fuck’s sake, SPELL THE FUCKING WORD. This is your first chance to communicate with someone you potentially want to date, right? Is it really that much to ask that they fake a little intelligence? Please? My bad habit loves Jeopardy, if that tells you anything. Sheesh. This girl… loves smart men ONLY. Don’t even get me started on his decorating decisions or creeper mustache.

Well, the text of your POF profile certainly doesn’t speak very well for the “datin’ pool” of Sandpoint area eligible males!?! ( Altho, since I acually live on four acres out in the country, about eight miles outside the next city, perhaps I don’t fit the pattern you reference )?

Uh… no, you fit every pattern I’ve had the misfortune of coming across, thus far. At 55, you exceed my age requirements by oh… 10 years. Let me guess, you’re a young 55? Ugh. Yuck. No. Sack up and date women your own age and spare me their hate and vitriol when they see you trying to date me. These guys are the worst. They piss off the women I adore by being shallow bottom feeders who have in no way done anything in life that qualifies or absolves them the guilt of, dating someone 20 years younger. He should thank me for not responding. He’d hate my music and I’d end up flirting with his 26 year old son, lol…

Hey beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just thought that I would write to say hello and to see if “u” might like to communicate a little bit for starters????????????

Oh boy… where on earth do I even start. He refers to himself in the third person as a “Savory Morsel” <gag>. He’s 50… and well… absolutely not. I had to post his email because he’s clearly trying to find his way to being a hipster that uses the destruction of Y O U. He had to put quotation marks around his U… he was that uncomfortable. Now that’s funny :)

Ha R U?

Uh… I’m scared…. for so many reasons and in so many ways. A man of few words? Um… HA!  I’m not sure where to go from there… other than to show you his profile… in it’s entirety.

Enjoy…

Hi my name is. Dave. I was born in cali
And moved up Here a few years ago
I do like the country. I like to take my
Boat out to the lake Every chance I get.
I do like takin my truck. Or my dirt bike And going off road.
I do like the city life. I like going in watching a live band.
Or just going out on the town.
I do like to go to the movies a lot. Or go have a drink.
Or a nice dinner somewhere. Or run off to vegas for the weekend.
I have a good job.
I would love to find a good Woman.
I know it something you can’t rush.
I just hope someday. I could meet the girl for me

And y’all wonder why I pick the crazies…and Good luck, Dave.

It appears we all need a helluva lot of luck.

Behold… the perfect crazy date.

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I don’t even know where to start, other than to walk you down the same path I took to find Josh.

I logged in to check the latest onslaught of email in internet dating world.

Weird old guy, weird old guy, 21 year old frat boy, crazy dad of 7 again, creepy guy from Venezuela again, and Josh.

“you look so sexy and you have a wild side just waiting to come out.I can see it in your eyes.let go and have fun!Josh”

Attached is a picture of him with his wife & two kids… as in babies. WTF?

I click on his profile, knowing a good crazy crackpot when I sense one… and up pops his profile. ooooh yes… we have a winner.

My self-summary

recently reunited with my wife and soooo happy! this site has definatly shown me how lucky i am to have a real woman.Yes we both believe a man can have more than one wife but it must be from God and not us.And to all you feminists who love to send me hate mail just stop.If a man can only have one wife then i suppose you condem half the women in the world to never being married or having children since the statistics show us that there are two women born on earth for every one man.I guess in your mind they are shit out of luck!Not to mention that almost every man in the bible had more than one wife.Im not christian but if you are then how do you explain that?

What I’m doing with my life

I am currently writing a book on theology.I went to school for cosmetology but haven’t got my license in montana yet since the hours are more than colorado where i just moved from.I also do construction and ceramic tile for extra cash.I love to play guitar for fun and would like to start up a band again.

 

See? You can’t make this shit up- it’s this funny. This dude can dye my hair, fill my nails and save my soul, on a first date?

All in the hopes I may end up a sister wife to an unemployed polygamist.

And they say all the good men are taken…

Pshaw…

This should be interesting.