Photographic torture.

Oh hell. Oh hell twice.

The most uncomfortable part of internet dating (for me)  is getting a photo from someone that doesn’t list one on their dating profile… and not knowing what to say. I’m too nice- a curse that’s followed me into the depths of dating strangers.

“Here are some pictures of me, hope ya like em!”

Gulp. Um. Uh-oh.

Shit.

What now? How do you possibly say “Actually I’m not at all attracted to you whatsoever.”?  I said “Thanks!” which I’m aware doesn’t help. At ALL. Because this came this morning:

“Well, I’m a little confused. Are you interested in communicating with me and getting to know each other? I would be crazy if I weren’t interested in you. I do realize you probably have about 100 guys emailing you dailey from this site. Which would take alot of your time weeding threw them all. I would like to offer to take you to dinner anywhere in the world and see if sparks fly. -G”

Why-oh-why are men so confident? All the wrong ones anyway.  I’m going to feel like a total bitch for telling him I’m not interested. I’m not motivated by someone’s bank account- I have to be attracted to them physically.

But putting that into words that don’t hurt anyone’s feelings?

Impossible.

Ok… I couldn’t resist.

Besides the garden owning me- kicking my ass and getting me in swimsuit shape in no time… I’m bored. My hands hurt too badly to knit and I’m still getting used to cooking for just myself.

SO I fired up my Match.com account again. I can’t help it. I’m a glutton for punishment.

and when I checked it today- I found this:

“Hey lil fish. I am goen’ fishing Sat morn if your coming then strap your boots on and let’s go. about a mile hike along the river,you’ll probly get wet if your lucky. your choice”

Now what do you say to that? I’ve come to the conclusion that the entertainment from the weirdos is enough to keep me internet dating.

Though not enough to break out my fishing pole… 🙂

Hmmm, no thank you.

No more internet dating. I’m sick of lame pick up lines and the complete lack of… everything. It’s just sad. No offense to the eligible bachelors out there (of which there are few) none of whom live near me. I am simply, totally & completely OVER IT.I had the good fortune to log into Match.com today and see that today was the last day I could cancel my account before they automatically charged me again. EUREKA!!! I was finally free of it all. They offered me 3 more months for the price of 1… No thank you… NO. I have had enough. More than enough even.

My ridiculously large garden, 2 lovely well-behaved kids & 3 little dogs keep me happy & busy enough that I don’t really have time for it all anyway.

Sigh…

and I’d feel a little gloomy about it… sort of… if I hadn’t found the perfect message the other day.

Issy & I went shopping for our dear Grandma Blanche’s birthday and I found a candle on the clearance rack that said “Faith is hope on fire”… so I bought it…and I love it.

And I have faith. All you nay-sayers be damned.

I may end up in a nun’s Habit… but at least I will have  tried to be a good example while trying to have a new life with my kids included as an equal part to myself. I feel good about that- even if it lands me in a Habit…

Because I’d rather feel good about my approach than be happy with a new boyfriend (gag). The end never justifies the means to me. I’m one of those die-hard underdog cheerleaders of mothers putting their children first. I love mine. More than any ol’ guy. In fact… it’d take a pretty special man to invite him into our lives… My children have a wonderful father who is still included in holidays- etc. It will take someone with confidence to know that peace is possible with an ex.

I know the right guy is out there. I know I deserve him… and I know he deserves me… and its going to be sooo much fun when the right time rolls around. 🙂

Religiously Strange.

I truly hoped I was prepared for my date tonight with the African Wild Game Hunter. Who just so happens to be 5′ 2:”. At the very, very most.

I’ve begun to wonder if I can have my loser magnet surgically removed.

When the first thing your date says to you is “How do you feel about our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ?”

Where the F do you go from there? Seriously. I can handle a lot of strange things- but a fire & brimstone Baptist, it turns out, is definitely NOT one of them. Frankly, the “born-again” frighten me, and after last night, I know it’s a good healthy fear that I should encourage.

I have Mormon roots, and have chosen to be Catholic. I chose to be Catholic largely based on the fact no one confronted me about my faith at St. Joseph’s. Nobody read me bible stories as a child – and I have absolutely NO idea what they’re talking about when they mention feeding the multitude…  The difference between the Catholic church and all the rest we’d tried, was that they welcomed me and never questioned how deep my faith ran.  After visiting at least 20 churches- I was beyond grateful. I planted the church gardens that year- and my daughter was born, and baptized the same night as my son & I… at my/our first Easter Vigil.I fell in love with the tradition of Catholicism. I’m still not sold on the whole enchilada.

My date tonight was a good old fashioned garden variety disaster. I would go into further detail, but I need to drown myself in a martini & climb into the hot tub. I refuse to be reduced by the nightmare that is internet dating… 🙂

Bring on the cats.

The Pretentious, The Elderly, and The Vertically Challenged.

Ahhh yes. The creepy guys I’ve learned to block in this whole internet dating adventure.  The snotty/snobby/spoiled boys, the dirty old men, and every single man in the tri-state area under 5’5″.

I’ve decided to let them speak for themselves, since I could never compete with these emails 🙂

1. HOW YOU DOIN???

How is life in Sandpoint today? I was just there last Sunday. I landed at the airport and looked around a little. Had lunch and did a little light shopping. Sandpoint is awesome. It’s great to see you got more traffic lights and more updated infrastructure. I saw Lyle Lovett at the music show in Sandpoint a long time ago. Are you adventurous enough for me to pick you up and fly you back to Newport Beach for lunch this week?

Have a great weekend.
Hank

Hank is 65, a retired business exec with 4 children that live away from home, twice divorced. Sound Nice? Normal? No. Nice guys don’t try to fly you anywhere on a first date, and any man who’s a fan of traffic lights probably wont enjoy me much- as I do any & everything to avoid them. Realistically? He’s probably an elusive member of the FBI’s Most Wanted.

2. Hotcake,

I just became a paramedic and love it…I’m also a therapist and a accountant…but that’s a long story.

What do I like to do for fun? I like to try new things – like I went skiing for the first time in 30 years and I camped in the snow.  Actually, I have to say much of my jobs is recreational – the best things in life are free.

I’m currently on a very restricted calorie regiment, but normally I’m all about trying new restuarants – the stranger, the better.

I live with my brother in a really small town – he’s divorced and the kids are out of the house. As far as dating, that hasn’t been any sort of issue so far seeing as I haven’t actually had a date since I moved here…but I’m forever hopeful that will change. Nonetheless I have thought about logistics and it just so happens his girlfriend has a place in town and he stays at her house a couple nights a week.

I hope this email has gotten me closer to that all so elusive first date:)

Neal.

… Unfortunately, Neal is my deadbeat dad’s name- so the thought of screaming out “NEAL!” in any intimate circumstance makes me throw up in my mouth a little. Shudder. Eww.. Perhaps not the first thing I should consider, but after dating a guy named Solar- I’ve realized how much a name does matter. It’s hard enough explaining strange behavior- you shouldn’t have to be burdened by his name too.

Neal is 5’4″, around 240 lbs,  50 yrs old,  never been married,  with no kids. (Do you see the flashing red lights? Hear the sirens? Good) He could potentially save my life, solve my problems and do my taxes… but he lives with his brother, camps in the snow and can’t eat anything (and wants strange food when he can). Hmm. The good news? He seems to have already worked out how I can spend the night at “their” house…assuming his persuasive email does the trick and lures me in.Yikes.

(Thank God & all that is holy that Match.com doesn’t share your physical address.)

Hey buttiful,
How’s it going? So you think tractors are sexy? well then you might want to sit down cause I have three of them, four if you want to count my lawn tractor! lol How’s everything in Spoint? I was just up there two weeks ago. Well feeling kinda sick today and I think the way to get over it is to hit the mountains on the sled!! lol Don’t tell the boss even though he’s already on to us. lol Have a great day hope to hear from you. lol Roy

Roy is 27, and has 8 pictures of himself with a different dead animal in each one. Granted, I’m not a hunter- but I would think someone must have some pictures he can use that don’t bring the Sarah Palin live turkey murder to mind. Roy emailed me 11 times before I responded. I emailed him and said:

“No offense Roy, but the more you email me, the more I relate to the animals in your pictures. I’m sure you’re very nice, but you’re too young for me, and we’re looking for different things.” Now I figured that was a nice kind way to get him to scram. Again- I need to learn to be mean. I got this back:

“You could be my first cougar. lol Just Kidden. For real though, I can help you with my tractor.”

Roy

Jerk called me a cougar. So I wasn’t terribly nice when I had to email this crazy person again.

“Oh Roy,

You and all the tractors in the continental US couldn’t handle the job and if you’re going to take the time to compliment a woman, or email a dozen freaking times, take the time to use the spell check. Sheesh!”

Oh the fun of it all 🙂