Truth Hurts

punishment

If you hurt me? Then you better brace yourself because you’ll be joining me, shortly.

I’d love to claim otherwise, but I’m a big fan of karma and the yin/yang of it all. I’m a kind person. I am thoughtful and helpful and the best kind of friend you could ask for. I give without expectation to receive.

To be loved by me is an incredible thing.

On the flip side, nobody envies my enemies.

I used to get angry. Now I just get gone. You don’t get my pain or the energy it would take to muster up a little venomous rage. You get my ice cold shoulder, my hostile silence and not so much as a slight effort of my help, where I once would have given you everything.

drug

Unless you keep trying me.

I walked in yesterday, hating his presence. Too close to tears to say anything…and cold. Ice cold.

I- Why are you so mad?

I snapped. It happens. I am the biggest pushover in the world until I’m not. I’ve done my best to keep my shit together and put on a happy face.

However… every rope comes to an end, eventually.

J- I hope someday, when you’re comforting your daughter because some douchebag did this to her, you think of my face. All this time, I’ve been wracking my brain… trying to figure out how you got divorced and how she could ever want to live without you… and now? Now I think she made the right choice. I’ve done a million things for you, what did you ever do for me? Thanks for the orgasms, I guess.

Silence.

No apology offered, and none expected if I’m going to be honest. It’s up to me to put this shit away and tuck him back into the stranger zone. It’s one of the hardest situations I’ve ever created but I’m nothing, if not resilient and funny.

I took him off every kind of social media and changed his text tone back to default. No more Yummy.

truthsandwich

I left work early and canceled my boytoy weekend. Finally mature enough to know it would be a momentary solution that would cause long term problems. I’m more in the mood to play with the Dumpling and finally pack Christmas away than I am to be sexy. More in the mood for yoga pants than fish nets.

I was in bed by 8 with a few cats, the dog, the Dumpling and a handful of baby dolls. So grateful for the real love in my life and my cozy king sized bed full of beautiful reminders. I don’t have time for half-assed behavior from anyone because it takes time away from these treasures in my life who truly deserve it.

I’m over it.

strong

Brave

Raising a baby alone, from birth… is an epic undertaking. My eldest daughter has been my right hand, but the Dumpling has softened me. I had to take real stock of my character and pull from places I didn’t know I had. Her father has always provided for her financially since we settled things in court, and would drop everything to help me if I needed him. We are on very good terms and I consider him a dear friend. But. He’s here once or twice a year, for a week. I’ve had two nights off in 5 years.

At this point? Exhaustion is my motivation. I thrive on the last minute and I shine under pressure. I’ve finally conquered a bit of my chaos and I’m proud to admit that I’m the girl to have by your side in a shitty situation. I don’t add to anyone’s suffering, even my own. I am happy to say, I have learned a few valuable lessons. The very most important being that I don’t cause anyone harm.

I define the people I hold closest by how trustworthy they are. I have a very tight circle and I’d bury a body with any one of them….probably in my own garden. I’m a loyal friend and I safeguard and protect the people who I know to possess the same traits. Integrity is rare and I’m attracted to noble things. The man I adore is deliciously honorable. I didn’t realize that a good man would be such an arrow in the heart of my achilles. Loving someone’s character is intoxicating.

I’m fiercely protective and can honestly tell you that it is NEVER worth crossing me or mine. I used to get mad and saucy. Now I just get gone and you learn what it is to live on the dark side of the sun. My time is precious and valuable. I know exactly where I want to give my extra time to.

I have a no nonsense policy that I hold very dear, but I’ve learned to forgive and forget and move through life more peacefully. I’ve been estranged from my closest sister for a few years and I’ve missed her in our lives. I don’t like conflict and I decided to get my shit together and apologize. So I invited her to the Dumplings dance performance and we healed the huge wound in our family. Christmas is going to feel a million times better and my girls aren’t stuck in the void of angry words between the adults that control their celebrations.

Life is too short to leave the hard words, unsaid. I’m stepping wayyyyy outside of my comfort zone today and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to being a little sick to my stomach about it.

But I think of the people who died before taking the chance. The guy who was too afraid. The girl who wasn’t brave enough.

No one will ever define me that way.