30 Days of Truth, Day 10

doormat

Day 10 — Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

I could whine about the source of my heartache for another 500 words, or get real and face facts about who really needs to leave.

Good ‘ol Debbie Doormat needs to go. That horrible part of my character that looks past the sea of smiling, available faces, straight to the one guy who isn’t interested. I need to bury that bitch up to her eyes and walk away.

I can stand on my damn head in the latest low cut anything I’ve managed to find, and he looks right through me. I do my best not to make eye contact with him, but I fail regularly and find myself grinning back without a second thought to the tears and devastation that allowing myself to adore him, invites. Debbie is a glutton for punishment with a stubborn streak a few hundred miles wide.

It’s done something to my self esteem though, and when I stopped at the gas station on my way home from work yesterday, it hit me like a mack truck. There were two school busses in the parking lot and a half dozen cars. This is my favorite sketchy stop because nobody ever goes to this place. It’s creepy, as are the employees. I love it. I walked in to grab a Sprite, and ran full on into a sea of teenaged boys and their track coaches.

Let me stop right here and tell you something I realized yesterday. The boys are NOT the same mouth-breathing morons that I went to school with. This is a sea of hot. I feel like I’m at the club, not the dirty gas station. I stood in line between two 6’ tall, unspeakably hot children and prayed for salvation. I looked up to see Baby Adonis lick his lips at me.

Which is when I realize that you can see the strappy bits of my bra just at the edge of my neckline and the kid behind me is looking straight down my chest without even a hint of hesitation. Their coaches round the corner and they both stand up straight and look away. I laughed and realized that I’m not crazy. I’m still kinda cute and boys will still look at me.

Preferably not children though, yeesh. I had to call my darling daughter and tell her how much kids have changed and we had a good laugh-till-you-cry over the crass nature of it all. She’s dating a golden gentleman who has nothing but the best intentions for her and their future, and it’s softened her. I can hear a happy peace in her voice and it reminds me freshly, what I’m supposed to be doing.. …

I’m supposed to be killing it. I’m supposed to be giving these girls of mine a queen to look up to. I’m supposed to teach them what it looks like to be loved well, not just how to rule the world single-handedly. Love is important too and I absolutely deserve the same kind of burn-the-house-down passion that I deliver. Pining for a man that doesn’t, only makes me look pathetic.

So long, Debbie. You’ve overstayed your welcome and it’s time for you to go.

30 Days of Truth, Day 9

char

Day 9 — Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I’m an emotional person by nature and cry easily. I sat down to think about who fits this description in my life and the list is endless because I don’t like parting with special people.

Sidenote: if you’re in my life, you’re special to me. I don’t make time for anyone who isn’t at the very top of my list, because I have so little free time outside of work and the bulk goes to my babies.

I’m sad when anyone drifts away, and I never want to let anyone go. If I collected you in the first place, it’s because I saw something beautiful in you and want to spend those few hours available, being your friend.

I don’t have casual friendships. You’re either a close friend or an acquaintance, and unlike my love life, my friends are incredible. I am so blessed to have so many amazing women and men in my life who fill it with laughter and love. My friends are the cream of the crop and I don’t know how I ever got so lucky.

So when one drifts away, I’m just as heartbroken as losing my favorite lover. I’m still friends with my elementary bestie and keep my friendship alive via telephone with my favorite girlfriend who moved to Arizona.

People only drift away if you don’t make an effort to stop them. I’ve been guilty of being too busy and too stressed to be a good friend in the last year and I have watched a few friendships fade. It’s sometimes unavoidable as a single mother, and I have to admit that I tend to shut people out when I’m really depressed. You have to be a good friend in order to have them, and I’m really looking forward to summer and having more time to be the friend they deserve too.