Category Archives: Ouch

Rain or Shine

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I had a much needed light week. I applied for a few new jobs and gave up a few of my hours at work. I swam in the joy of motherhood- which saves me every time. We giggled and rode bikes. We cooked together and side by side when we invited everyone over for dinner. At one point I was breaking the bottoms off asparagus spears and I had to stop and watch her for a moment.

My little princess isn’t so little anymore. She’s growing up…. and it leaves me with a big lump in my throat when I think about it. It’s gone by so fast, and only continues to go by faster.

If you blink- you might miss it. I know people told me that, but I never believed them until I saw it with my own eyes.

She’s so delightful- and we have the best time together… it just goes by so quickly, especially when you add work and school to the equation. I spend my life missing my kids and as the years tick by, it doesn’t get any easier. We had a fantastic week, followed by a dinner party with family that she helped cook. It was one of those full circle weeks, with everything falling further into place.

No dates. No boys. No men. I’m all plants, seeds and garden gloves. I’m a dirty girl in the purest sense.

It’s raining this morning, and I dropped my little darling off for school and kissed her goodbye for the week… and fought tears on the way home. This life half lived is eating at me lately and has made me realize why I date. To fill the empty hours I spend missing them. To do anything but face an empty dark house that still bears the signs of my little red-headed hurricane of art supplies. There’s a tube of turquoise glitter on the bathroom counter. Paper on the table and a variety of pens, pencils, yarn, etc… shoes here and there.

I sat down with a heavy sigh and surveyed the hurricane’s path. I miss her and I owe it to her to figure out how to enjoy my time without her too. She can’t be burdened by being my everything. So I threw on some garden gear and went out, slightly happy for the raindrops which mix nicely with the tears of my pity party. Heavy hearted and overwhelmed by another Monday in the chaos of life, single.

In my life, dirt fixes everything. It’s muddy delightful and I can’t resist the urge to take my gloves off. I like to feel the weeds in my hands. I like the soft cake-y dirt of the rows I’ve hand dug for 4 years. It’s a basic function and exactly what I need to remind me that it’s all just fine. Earthworms and bumblebees and newts. Quack grass and tansy and thistle… I have horrible weeds in my garden but it’s just a process and fairly quickly it starts to reveal it’s beautiful self.

It started to rain so hard it was dripping off the end of my nose and I decided to abandon the dirt for the sparkly clean water I put in the hot tub yesterday. 108* of heaven. Something is going crazy on the hot tub heater and it’s overheating. Hooray.

Icy cold Diet Pepsi, steamy hot water in the early morning spring fog with nothing but seeds to plant, laundry to fold and dishes to put away. Tempted to buy more potato seed… purely because I love digging them and I’m an admitted vegetable hoarder.

A text telling me I’m off the schedule until further notice. Essentially missing the entire work week. Thanks, single mom, that’s how much they appreciate you.

Pull my blog and kiss some ass or I’m fired?

I know when I’m being cornered to quit. I’m not stupid.

Once upon a time I could have been backed into a corner by a bunch of bullies. Once upon a time I would have caved and begged them to let me beg more, if I thought for a moment that’s what they wanted…. but they don’t. The customers love me- and I love my job. I’ll find a new one that respects me as a human being as well.

What would you choose? Sunshine? Or rain?

I choose sunshine, and the freedom of speech for that matter.

I don’t kiss even the hottest bald guy’s ass for $3.35 an hour.

Fear and Loathing

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I did the unthinkable yesterday and am suffering the consequences with every step.

Flip flops + my bike = just as bad an idea as I’ve always told my kids. I turned too sharply, wrecked the bike and tore the end of my toe off. Lovely… and all just a few hours before work. Nobody could cover so I slipped on my Crocs and went.

The five minute drive to work was a tear stained adventure and I had to regain my composure before going in. I don’t take pain meds because they make my stomach upset, but as the hours ticked by, my tolerance for the screaming pain in my foot was having the same effect. I started shaking after 2 hours of being on it, and within another half hour of the shaking, I started to get sick. Water was coming back up and I was ready to bawl my eyes out. Each trip to the bathroom to pray for mercy and lose the last few sips I’d tried to choke down, was rendering me useless.

It was slow, but after a bad weekend at work I don’t want to ask for anything. I pulled it together, finished everything I needed to do, and got the hell out of dodge. I don’t know what I would have done without my dear Mr. Mahalo, who did his best to help me by taking the tables sitting the furthest away. I nearly dissolved at one point and he came over and smiled at me.

M- Do you need a hug?

I cried and shook my head yes and he hugged me and told me it’d be ok. I wish I could believe him. I do not get along with one of my coworkers and I need to find a new job. It’s gotten to the point of no return and I can’t take it anymore. My toe is just a great big manifestation of how miserable I’ve been lately. God had to go and dent me a little to wake me up and make me face the facts. Some situations aren’t healthy- and sometimes you have to do what scares the shit out of you in order to set your life right.

I don’t like being surrounded by alcohol and plenty of motivation to drink it. I don’t like that this job makes it damn near impossible to quit smoking. I’m well aware it’s within my control to eliminate these things from my life and of the excuses I could muster up to justify it being too difficult.

Plain and simple, it just has to stop. I just have to have a little faith in myself, my abilities, and the other opportunities in my life that better reflect where I am, where I’m going, and who I want to be in the long run.

I need to take care of myself. My feet hurt so badly I can hardly walk on them. Cracked bleeding heels that manage to heal a little after a day off, only to be right back where I was a day later. Crying on the way to work after seeing my daughter for ten minutes on her first day back with me.

I’m one serious buzz kill these days, and it’s high time I pulled myself up, dusted myself off, and made some changes in my life that will make it better, not worse.

Sleep eludes me when I have a mind and a heart so full of frustration and fear. I hear my mother’s voice in my ears telling me that “Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness” … isn’t that the truth. I’m exhausted and I’m lonely- two things exacerbated by the fact that I know I have some major changes to make.

Change and I don’t get along very well… but anything beats knowing clearly that what I’m doing, isn’t working.

It’s high time to have the courage to change the things I can… so I’m working on my resume, wrapping my feet in multiple layers of Neosporin and ace bandages, enjoying a mason jar of creamy chocolate milk… and cracking open “Eat, Pray, Love” for the second time. Running is out of the question for a while, but the 9 pounds I’ve lost since I started again already gives me hope.

In clearing the cobwebs from my life, it’s necessary to kill a few spiders so that I can rest easily. My life is too full and too demanding to let go of a single minute of much needed rest- and when something is bothering me as much as this? It’s time to break out the Raid.

It’s time for a few big changes. It’s time to save my own soul. It’s time to be a hero in my own life, again.

But first?

It’s time to be happy.

Words fail me.

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Well… no… no they don’t. In fact, I’m a wordy deadly weapon every now and then and this man just happened to piss me off on a very wrong day. I’m simmering, damn annoyed and dying for a target. Exhausted and coming down with a cold that involves me feeling queasy. Work was a real picnic. I came home and realized it’d been days since I checked out the whole crazy inbox of internet dating weirdos. It’s downright depressing. I may just have to spend a whole day copying and pasting to share my horror. It’s worse than I can describe.

On occasion, one of them is rude…. which is what happened the other day.

Like I said… I’m itching to eviscerate an idiot, and this guy is shaping up to be just the right guy for the slaughter.

A volunteer douche bag, just asking for it.

AmazingUniqueSeeksSame4BF

3/30/2012 11:52:54 PM
Well this non-douche bag tried a couple of times to say HI
SO you get what get Maybe you are just attractive on the outside
j

4/4/2012 11:30:40 AM
This email tells me just how much of a douche bag you really are. Someone not being interested in your rather unattractive old ass does not give you license to insult me. Kick rocks, asshole.
AmazingUniqueSeeksSame4BF

4/4/2012 1:47:19 PM
Well I think I will be successfully off of here before you…so not so unattractive or a douche bagSorry that was rude, and for that I apologize

Where to start?

Amazing & Unique? Not so much. Trust me, I have a doctorate in Douche Bag and you are quite the textbook example of a penis, gone douche. Again… I didn’t respond because your photograph alone tells me I’m not interested, nuff said. I was being nice by ignoring you. Oh sorry, that was rude- but you asked for it. xo J

Usually I rename them, more as a courtesy than anything, since they may not be thrilled about being blog fodder. Names have been changed to protect the occasionally innocent. Which doesn’t happen very often, but this is a whole new ballgame. Today’s emails were so bizarre I had to call my friend and read them to her. I may even screen shot them to prove it.

**Jonnyrocknroll**

4/5/2012 9:24:15 PM  I’m the person that’s taking huge dumps in the middle of the bike path.. So if you stepped on

some in some huge man scat.. It was mine :) please watch me have gay sex..

What the fuck? Again… I cannot change his name because this dude is clearly insane or this is his ex-wife, determined to destroy his reputation. She’s succeeding. I don’t even know where to go with that or how to respond. I think this is one of those magical occasions that less is more. I’m just not into gay sex unless it’s women, sorry. I’m fresh out of any urge to be ignored by TWO guys at once. No thanks, I’m gonna have to pass.

wburns1969

3/20/2012 11:04:28 PM
Hi beautiful…how are you…enjoying Spring so far? :) Look forward to hearing from you,
Wayne
wburns1969

3/22/2012 12:31:53 PM
Hi beautiful…how are you today? :) Yeah, I’m SOOO waiting for the real spring to come out, too…so, I can spend some time out at the lake :) Where do you like to go camping? Do you ever come to the Spokane area?I see in your profile, you’d had a few “strange” dates, curious what those are? I’ve heard some CRAZY stories…as well as with my own :)

So, you like the “exception to the rule”…curious what that’s about…I’d like to think I am, but I guess that’s in the eye of the beholder :)

Do you have anymore pics you wouldn’t mind sharing?

Look forward to hearing from you,
Wayne
wburns1969

3/30/2012 1:13:52 PM
Wahoo, it’s Friday! :) Hi beautiful, how was your week, other than all the rain? :( Doing anything fun and exciting for the weekend? For me, going to the Shock game in Spokane…wahoo! :)

Look forward to hearing from you,
Wayne
wburns1969

3/31/2012 6:44:53 PM
Hi beautiful…how are you, enjoying your weekend so far? :)
wburns1969

4/5/2012 4:58:32 PM
Hi beautiful…how are you…having a good week so far?

How many times do you contact someone and not hear back before you understand they’re not interested? He’s cute… ish. Not my type, not at all interesting to me. Dude… buy a clue. She’s just not that into you. Silence speaks volumes, a lesson I’ve learned from the Vagina Hoarder. Nothing makes you feel worth less. Run. This man cannot date me. I will only make him feel bad about himself.

I had to sit and laugh… I had to call a girlfriend to read them to her. I had to just shake my head and wonder how on earth I ever thought internet dating was a good idea….

and a text message comes chirping in… making the entire day glow.

Flintstone- Pack your ears & tail, see you Sunday

That does it. I’m going to church. I’m going to volunteer at the animal shelter and take meals to my elderly neighbors. I’m going to devote my life to being an angel…

Because my very favorite date is going to be resurrected on just the right day… and I can’t wait to see him… and I’m stupid excited.

Painting bunny tails on my toenails, excited.

Sewing a tail to my favorite panties…. excited.

Flintstone… <grin> Oh my goodness…. there is a God. :)

Confession #8042

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I like hearing no.

Sigh.

Do you know how much that sucks to admit?

Fawn all over me, tell me I’m beautiful and rub my feet? I’ll be mopping the floor with you in a matter of days. For as much as I bitch and moan about wanting a nice guy… I’m the girl that ruins the nice ones.

It’s not that they’re boring… it’s that the balls are already in my court and I’m not even interested enough to pick them up if it’s that easy.

There’s a man in my life that loves me down to my stretch marks. He’d rip someone apart with his bare hands if they so much as touched me and I know unequivocally that every single other person that loves me, would do cartwheels if I threw myself in head first and loved him back. I could have everything I claim to want, in a second…

Happiness is standing in front of me, daring me to say yes.

Nope.

Because I want the platinum ring… not just the brass one. I want to feel about my husband the way that will keep me married. I need to crave the man in my life, if nothing else. I need to like him more than everyone else.

Which means I need to work for it. I deserve a man willing to work his balls off to have me… and I am only too happy to do the same. If it isn’t worth the effort… it isn’t worth it.

I completely recognize my insanity. I realize I should just choose happiness for a change.

I just want more than that.

I’d rather be miserable, lonely and hopeful than resigned, complacent and apathetic.

I’d rather hold out.

Which is exactly what hit me when I woke up wrapped in a bad habit yesterday.

He didn’t mind disappointing me because he couldn’t care less.

If he really likes you? He comes to you.

If he really wants you? It doesn’t matter if it’s midnight on Sunday.

If you’re really special to him… he comes when you want him to at a seconds notice.

and he tells you no when you should hear it.

Because loving a woman isn’t handing over your balls. It’s letting her hold them… and only her.

I want to be loved completely, but I don’t want to be allowed to be a brat. I care about the type of woman I am in a man’s life. I’m not jealous, I’m thoughtful, I’m sexually inexhaustible….  I bake, I cook, I garden, I sew, I make every bad situation, better. I’m a female deadly weapon and I deserve the same. So I’m making a list, if only to remind myself how broken my picker is.

The Absolutes.

1. He must dance. Absolutely not negotiable. I want someone that wants to dance with me.

2. He must be employed. Ambitious too, while we’re at it. I don’t care how much money he makes, I just want him to be capable and financially stable.

3. He must kiss me stupid. I love to kiss, and it’s a buzz kill when you don’t want to kiss someone. It wont last if I don’t love kissing him. It’s positively doomed.

4. He must care about the example he sets, and the kind of role model he is. He must adore my children as much as I do. Preferably his are grown or nonexistent. No offense to anyone, but I don’t want to deal with another babymama in this lifetime.

5. He must have his own life, and pursue his own passions… including trips away from me. I can’t be the center of someone’s life again- it makes me miserable to be around. He must have friends and places to go, etc, and not need me there for everything.

6. He must NOT spoil me, always let me get my way or kiss my ass. I’m a confident woman, I can handle a disagreement and I’ll only lose interest in him if he’s a pushover.

7. He must look out for me and guard my happiness as much as I guarantee his. Without fail and without asking. It should be second nature to him.

8. He must chase me around the house and objectify me and understand if I want to install a stripper pole in my bedroom and take lessons. I’m happiest when desired, loudly. Attention whore? Yeah… that’s fair. It’s easily managed and it should not be a problem.

9. He must be honest to a fault. To the point of telling me I look fat in what I’m wearing. He must love me enough to honor me with the the truth, and respect me enough to be a blessing, not a curse, in my life.

10. He must be willing to walk through fire because I can be a royal pain in the ass when inspired to be, and because I devote myself completely and deserve to know what that feels like in return.

This is precisely why I’m single, lol… because there are women everywhere looking for this one mythical creature.

I’d be better off stockpiling yarn and ending up on that Hoarders show with cashmere stacked from floor to ceiling.

Now that’s bliss…

Listen to Mr. Man Card…

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My favorite nice guy, the illustrious Mr. Man Card, came to hang out with us last night while I went on a Crown Royal sewing bender.

With the bags… not the booze.

A challenge to see if I could sew a hat. I looked for hours and couldn’t find a pattern. I looked at the pile of bags I had and decided to just go for it. Made myself a cocktail and started cutting.

It’s effing awesome, if I do say so myself… and lined in cashmere, thankyouverymuch.

We made him model them, and because he’s the nicest guy ever… he obliges us.

Behold… my Crown Royal… crown hat… and my apron…

Running out of things to sew leaves me with a few dozen internet dating emails to check, and my phone is blowing up with text messages from Mr. Bartender.

At which point, and mid-giggle trying to read him the latest email… he looks at me and shakes his head.

R- Jenni… Oh my god. You LIKE douche bags. Oh no. Aw hell.

J- Oh stop. He’s nice.

R- He’s whiny, and omg are you kidding me? A bartender? You know who he looks like?

J- Shut up Robby.

R- I’m not kidding. No more douche bags. You’re a nice girl, no more.

I’m reading the emails out loud and he’s reading my text messages and whining. lol… and I read the last one and he covers his face with his hands and shakes his head.

R- NO. NO. This is just wrong. No. I won’t let you anymore. This has to stop. No losers, and NO douche bags. Jeeez. What do you do in your spare time besides crush hearts and delude weirdos?

J- Um.

R- Right… and he’s just the same. Damn it. I’m helping you from here on out. No more of this.

Just a crazy sister-wife date, in ten minutes.

PRAY it’s funny, I’ve had a long day.