30 Days of Truth, Day 25

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Day 25 — The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

I may actually be the most stubborn person on the planet. It’s my greatest and worst trait. I know the best way to do things and if you don’t agree then I will do them myself. I’m stubbornly driven because I’ve been let down a lot and consequently I’ve had to learn to rely on myself for everything.

Did I want to learn how to change a tire? Not really. It wasn’t on my bucket list, that’s for sure. However, a flat tire doesn’t scare me anymore. I can drive through Montana and not feel like we may actually die somewhere in the midst of their lack of cell service and my laziness in regards to car repair. I don’t need anyone to save me because I learned how to save myself.

Did I want to learn how to replace the circuit box and rewire the garage? Definitely not. However… when you’re living paycheck to paycheck and the electricity is arcing over the garage your chest freezer is plugged into? The freezer that’s full of the food you grew? Yeah… I learned all about electricity and did it myself. It’s been a decade, it hasn’t burned down and the freezer is still going strong. Some of the hardest learnt skills have given me the most relief. Also, bless the poor man who worked at Home Depot when I was doing all this. He was visibly relieved every time he saw me come back for something else. He begged me to hire someone, and hugged me when I told him I’d done it and it all worked perfectly. We’re still friends. ♥

Did I want to raise a baby alone? No. There are still times I wish I could do the whole thing over because I think we just stopped communicating and forgot how much we really loved each other. I live with the sorrow that causes our baby, every day. He’s also stubborn and we’ve created an extremely stubborn small person… so karma is flowing all around us. I learned from him that sometimes being stubborn can cost the people around you even more than yourself. I grew to be more persistent and less stubborn through watching everything I thought my life was going to be, change. All the hopes, dreams and opinions in the world don’t change the fact that sometimes bad things happen to good people.

I admit that I’m fiercely independent and impatient. I like to do things myself because I want them done right and I’m happiest if they’re done right now. I would never demand that, so I just do what needs to be done. I’m working with someone equally as stubborn now and learning to listen more because he’s occasionally right and often has a better way of doing things. It’s nice to realize that I’m learning to be more flexible.

But don’t let that softening fool you. I’ve got my Irish Grandma’s green eyes and I will dig my heels in and stand unmoving in front of a train. I am stubborn to a fault and I get a whole lot done as a result. It’s all that’s gotten me through the worst things I never imagined I’d have to face, do and learn.

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30 Days of Truth, Day 15

Day 15 — Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

The person in my life who is missing would not appreciate being the topic, so I’m taking the easy street on this one.

I tried living without one boob for about 3 years. I’m not sure what happened, but I was getting in the shower one morning, looked down and realized that I’d ruptured my left breast implant.

Shock, horror, tears… it all happens in that moment… then you get in the shower and move on with life. I couldn’t afford to fix them at the time, and I was serving every night so having one boob wasn’t an option.

Let me define what I mean by having one boob. I had one perfect, saline filled DD, and one very empty, sad B. I became quite skilled at balancing them out in a bra, and honestly didn’t think twice about it at the time because I had SO many other things to deal with.

I didn’t care, if I’m going to be completely honest. They’d breastfed all three of my babies to great success and their purpose had been filled. My vanity had evaporated somewhere in between the Dumpling being born and turning 2. Hours in court fighting over that same baby had given me a sour taste in my mouth towards men. The only reason I’d ever consider touching one again was that I didn’t want my ex to be the last.

and then Mr. Perfection came home to visit… and I very much wanted to unwrap him.

So I did.

Now, vanity is a fickle bitch. Just when you think she’s long gone, she shows back up with a vengeance. It doesn’t help that he’s a decade younger and doesn’t have children. The more clothes I pulled on over my head, the more he unbuttoned and unlaced them.

P- Hey, take these off…

J- All of them?

P- Yes please…  I want you naked.

Well, shit. All the planning in the world couldn’t save me from that. In tossing off my pride and panties, I made a mental note to call my surgeon and schedule an appointment to pick up a new set.

I didn’t need anything fancy…. just two of them. I picked them up in January and that empty boob is now a large, painful one. I’m confident it will heal in a couple more months, but it’s a humbling thing to realize that I traded feeling 100% for vanity.

…………But the next time I’m in that moment and he tells me to take my clothes off, I won’t be hiding in a panic over it.

I’ll be breaking out my shiny new stripper pole to put these bad boys to work. 🙂

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