Tall Order

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I ran into him yesterday and was struck silent. My nerves were on edge and I could hardly breathe. He smiled at me and my resolve liquified. He leaned in and the words fell right out of my mouth.

J- My God you smell good.

This is why I need a filter. He looks confused and I’m trying to delicately back-pedal. There’s just no getting around it. I love an artificially fragranced man. No natural essential oils, either… No. I love me some after shave, die for even the most basic dollar store cologne, and heaven help us all if he’s ironed. I have vices, I admit them.

Sometimes it’s better to just admit to them and move on. I do my best to squash these natural inclinations, to no avail. You want what you want and there’s no getting around it.

My mama is a firm believer in list making, and this is no exception.

  1. I want a man who makes me laugh when I want to slit his throat. I realize this is a specialized skill, but if you can make me laugh when I’m furious, nothing bad will ever happen. I’m a happy person by nature and would much rather fuck than fight… so this is a skill that will make your life pretty damn spectacular as well.
  2. I want a man who can fix things with tools. One of the hottest things I’ve seen recently, is a man searching for a tiny replacement screw in the gazillions of drawers at the hardware store. He found it… and I could hardly speak. Men with man skills are my jam.
  3. I need him freshly shorn. I’m capable of handling a beard these days, but it needs to be more manicured hedge than broom. A million bonus points for silky soft man face.
  4. I need him artificially scented. No patchouli, no lavender and NO Old Spice. I’m not attracted to naturally scented anything, hippies OR men who smell like my dad. Beyond those guidelines, anything goes. I don’t have a favorite cologne, but any is better than none. Hell… soap has been known to blow my mind lately… so this is an inexpensive vice to exploit.
  5. I need him to love his mama. This is one of those old fashioned vices that I can’t seem to quit. I loathed my mother in law and my ex did too. It only took away from our life, and I wish I’d been older and wiser so that I could have tried harder to build a healthy relationship with her. The older you get, the more you realize how priceless those people really are in your life. If I’m going to commit to a man, I’m going to have to want to hang out with his mom.
  6. Faith isn’t important to me, but I have found that the Christian boys are just as dirty and dishonest as the heathen atheists. I don’t care what someone’s faith base is, as long as they don’t force it on me or mine. Jesus is like your penis. Keep it to yourself until I ask for it.
  7. I need for him to know his way around the kitchen. Men who cook are my achilles and I am powerless when it comes to a perfect medium rare steak. If he can tie on an apron and blow my mind on a dinner plate, I’m going to thank him in ways he’s only dared to fantasize about. You cook for me: I burn for you. It’s a win-win situation.
  8. Can he dance? He needs to. I don’t care if he looks like an elephant in roller skates, I just can’t be the only one bumping and grinding while I get the dinner dishes done. Miserable chores are made better by a little ass shakin’ and I want the guy who can’t help but dance with me if I’m gettin down.
  9. I’ve been celibate for 5 years. I need to not be anymore. Along those lines, I want He-Who-Can-Keep-Up. Don’t whine about needing sleep or having to work the next day… life is short and I’m insatiable. You’re welcome. If he can’t or won’t, I don’t want him.
  10. Last but not least… I need him to be a very good man. The one nobody can believe is single. That guy who opens doors, puts the toilet seat down and says please and thank you. Manners, integrity and a quiet masculine strength that doesn’t need to be loud or aggressive to be perfectly obvious.

I’m pretty sure you’ve realized the same thing I have after reading this.

I have a better chance of finding a unicorn growing out of the soil in my garden, and we’re still buried under 4′ of snow.

A new kitten or a fresh tattoo sounds a million times better and FAR more likely to be a perfect match, so if anyone has any suggestions for either, let me know!

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The Pacifier Parade

Dating your way out of a broken heart is difficult. The last thing I want to do, is go out with anyone. I’d much rather sit at home and obsess about the emotionally distant salmon that got away. None of them smell as good as he does, none of them are as funny… ugh. There are times I wonder if it only makes me miss him, more.

At this point, it’s self preservation. Either I go, knowing I may have to  wade through some weird shit, or I drown in how much I miss and want what I can’t have.

The Farmer is just plain boring. There’s no other way around it. Of all the pretty distractions available, he makes me miss My Favorite the most. I don’t want to ghost him, but I might anyway. Perhaps he’ll think I died of boredom and kick his game up a notch.

So I set my Tinder profile to public and let them collect, much like leaving a ripe strawberry near an anthill.

Once upon a time, I chose the weirdest internet dates I could find, and it absolutely helped me learn to be more comfortable in my own skin, whilst dating. I’m only weird and uncomfortable if I’m attracted to him. Dating the weirdos is much more fun. The truth of it is, we’re all weird… but the people who let their freak flags fly, are the most fun people to hang out with.

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Meet Mark. He’s a crossdresser. I’ve been saying for a while now that I need a wife and I’m damnnnnnnn tempted to ask him to come in his wedding gown. He’s a large equipment operator by day, and loves to wear high heels at night. I can see this being highly informative AND entertaining.

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Mmmmmeeet Justin. He looks like he can shovel a lot of snow. 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Meet our first instant douchebag, Andrew.

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I’ve cropped his penis out for y’all. You’re welcome.

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Ya know… I’ve been damn brazen and bold with my Favorite man. I have gotten specific and asked for a few things that would shock my mother. But not as a hello, how are ya? Some things NEED to evolve, and genitalia show and tell is one of them.

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And then there’s James. He’s purely for sport. Masculine, capable and dirty… in high vis. Be still my damn heart. He comes with tools and guns, some of my favorite boyfriend accessories.

Mark, Justin or James?

I’m leaning towards the wife. 🙂