It’s an amazing feeling to be content. I’ve spent my entire life worried about what people thought of me, going where they expected me to go and doing what I was told to do.
You know what I do now? Whatever the fuck I want.
It’s just as liberating as I imagined it would be.
Instead of dreading work and always being in a desperate battle to get back to the home I drown under financially; I get up early. I take some time to myself before my little Dumpling wakes up.
Making coffee in the morning doesn’t feel like an irritation anymore. I kind of love the ritual of it, and filling the house with the warm smell of fresh ground espresso. One cup only, or my hands shake, which may be the result of the soft silty coffee bean sludge at the bottom of my cup. It’s more like legalized rocket fuel than a morning beverage. I can’t ever stop at one cup.
I run for a half hour in the morning, and it’s not my favorite. I try to talk myself off the machine for the first five minutes, every morning. I’m watching my arms change shape and the pile of clothes that are too big, continues to grow. It’s working, and more importantly, it’s silencing my screaming sex drive. An hour a day keeps the fantasies at bay?
The funniest thing about being single is that when you actually want to date, it’s difficult to meet someone. When you’re over it and not interested? They come at you from every direction. Two dads in the last week have made the awkward first attempt.
D1- Hey so I didn’t know you were single? Would you want to hang out sometime?
As in fuck you? No. Also no to everything else that “hang out” may include.
D2- Jen! Hey we should get the kids together to play sometime. Do you like Italian?
Leather, men or salad dressing? Also no, my kid doesn’t like your kid so that’s a hard pass from me too.
It was fun for a minute, until it wasn’t. I love men, but I’m fresh out of patience for boys and games. I’m at a cool point in my life where I’m completely comfortable being open and honest and I don’t have any desire to side step the truth anymore. I can think of Perfection and not cry about him anymore. If I’m going to be honest, I had the sense fucked back into me and I feel a million times better.
Better to get out of the pool on a high note, so I deleted Incredicock… even out of the iPad (which means I’m serious, lol). It pains me, but you have to realize as a lady when he’s just not that into you, and those late night text messages can say anything platonic you want, because the message you’re sending is loud and clear. If he doesn’t answer, that’s also a very loud response.
Sometimes you just have to save yourself, from yourself. I have to look at him like he’s the cake I cannot have. He’s not on my diet, he’s bad for my heart and the amount of running I have to do to get him out of my system, is obscene.
Having self control is important to me, and he’s done amazing things for my ass as a result of all this so there’s a lovely silver lining.
It was time, but I’m sure gonna miss him…