Relapse.

treasure

He smells like my deepest fantasies dipped in napalm and set ablaze. I’m honestly dumbfounded when he smiles at me. It’s a gut punch that makes me smile reactively, no matter how mad I am at him for the knots he’s tied me into.

I want him so much I can’t sleep. There’s no way to sugar coat that devastating detail. I wake up to my silky soft thighs twisting into knots in my empty king sized bed, moaning his name in the last fleeting seconds of the dream that kept me breathless all night.

Aching to roll over and find him in the giant bed that torments me with it’s overwhelming lack of him, and exhausted from the agony of missing him for the past 6 months.

I’m drowning in lame stunt doubles that only annoy me by the complete lack of interest they inspire. It isn’t them, it’s me. It could be Channing Tatum and I’d be irritated at him for being the wrong guy, too.

Why is it that every other man you don’t want, shows up when you are most frustrated by the one who won’t?

Knock, knock, knock……… I was laying in bed with a book and not expecting company. I hate unexpected visitors, so I rolled over to ignore it.

Knock. Knock.

I peeked out the side window and saw the truck I’ve tried to manifest down my driveway for months. Oh. My. God. I’m in a tank top and panties. My only choices are to put my ugly old bathrobe on, or answer the door as-is.

I opened the door and there he was. So pretty he’s like the sun because it hurts to look at him. I wish I could say otherwise… but to know this exquisite example of manhood, redefines what it means to love men. I must have looked stunned because he grinned at me.

I- Do you always answer the door in your underwear?

J- If I’d known it was you, I’d left them in the drawer.

Grinning at me, he walked through the door and shut it behind him, pulling me in close against his chest. I bit my lip and held my breath to maintain some grip on my faculties as the delicious cloud of him settled around me. This man could sell a million candles if they made one that smelled like him. I’d buy anything labeled with his likeness and I’d wash every damn thing in my house with detergent that promised to remind me of the sheer intoxication of his skin and the way he smells. Take my money.

J- Hi.

He runs a finger under the edge of the black lace panties I have on. 

I- Hi…. Take these off. 

J- No. You take them off. I dare you….

He laughs and shoves me backwards onto the bed I’ve been hating, and I’m suddenly a huge fan again. Watching him take his clothes off makes my heart race and I feel light headed as his bare skin comes in contact with mine. I catch myself thanking a God I don’t believe in for making me a woman so that I could be satisfied by this spectacular man.

Ever felt whiskers on your ankles, knees, thighs…. or better? He’s a walking guide to the things I didn’t even know I wanted, and I don’t recognize my own voice as I start to plead with him.

J- Please…

I- Tell me what you want.

J- You.

Welcome to the understatement of a lifetime, as I’ve never wanted someone so badly.

The details of him are what kill me. His hands are beautiful and soft, yet strong and unyielding at the same time. His chest inspires so many thoughts simultaneously that I’m speechless and my hands are shaky. I’m torn by the desire he drowns me in because I want him constantly, everywhere around and inside me.

This man. This incredibly irresistable man burns me to the ground.

Now I know how drug addicts feel and I relate to anyone fighting addiction who’s fallen off the wagon. I want to overdose on him, hangover be damned.

Truth or Drink

The last question delivers the best response I think I’ve ever heard in my life.

Q: Are you happy for me now?

A: No. You’re not with me. Why would I be happy for you??

Q: Does that mean you’re not happy for me, for real?

A: As far as your business and your professional career, I am extremely happy for you. Fuck your romantic life if it aint got nothin to do with me.

Ladies and gentlemen, that’s some GOLDEN honesty right there.

I think I need this game. I’m all about asking the hard questions and swallowing the answers I wasn’t prepared for. I wanna play this. I am a little worried that I’d end up sober and pissed off though. The truth doesn’t scare me and being honest about my feelings is kind of one of my superpowers.

I could drink someone into a coma with a little painful truth, though. I guess somewhere along the way, I learned how valuable it is to be honest and forthcoming about feelings.

Drunk people are deliciously honest, can you imagine how badly this could go?

I ordered it. We’ll see.