Category Archives: Victory!

Disarming Tucker Max

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My adorable little pain in the ass Yorkie, Tucker Max…. has been seriously out of control for the last month. Humping on anything with a heartbeat… and the occasional stuffed animal.

He’s downright embarrassing these days…. we don’t dare take him anywhere.

I got out of the shower Wednesday morning and he ran into the bathroom, licked my leg and made his move. I carried him by the scruff of his neck back to his kennel and made the fateful call.

The little pervert finally went too far. Tucker Max had an appointment to become a gentler, sweeter boy.

IE: No more balls for Tucker Max. Amen.

I dropped him off this morning and he yanked on the leash to try and pee on the door. Ugh. This little fucker of a dog is so due a bad day. I pass him over and she frowns at me and says

V- Ohhh… are you gonna cry?

J- No. In fact I only wish I had the day off so I could fully enjoy his absence.

They half smile at me, apparently the “right” thing to do is cry. Whatever, this little 6 pounder of mine is a canine porn star in the making. He’s out of control.

Our <male> cat, Catfish… waits until Tucker is in his kennel for the night to come in the house. Tucker does not differentiate between species or genders.

So I knew everyone would enjoy a peaceful Tucker Free day… and I got off work just in time to pick him up from the vet.

They were laughing when I walked in.

V- He sort of sung like a bird when he came out of his anesthesia, almost like he was saying “Damn you” lol…

That’s my dog, Tucker Max.

They went to get him and she held out his poor little shrunken business to the doctor, who laughed and said…

D- He was well equipped, my goodness. He had the balls of a Bulldog.

That’s my dog…. the poor little pervert. Poor little fella just had too much factory and not enough business.

I brought him home and he went to his kennel and wont come out. He hates me a little. I took a piece of bacon in to see if I could sweet talk him and he growled at me.

That’s a first…

Though I suppose I’d be a little pissed off too.

 

Shy…

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We were busier than usual today and in the midst of 6 tables sitting at a time, we have people sitting at the bar too. Phew.

Things are finally under control and a cute guy sits at the bar.

Job perk… some of them are more fun to wait on.

He smiles at me and rests his chin on his hand. I ask him if I can get him something to drink and he smiles sweetly at me and says.

G- Do you write a blog?

Instant heart failure. Potential d-fib as a result of my erratic heart rate. One of those dreaded sort of deep breath, wipe the shock off your face and smile comfortably, sort of moment.

J- What?

G- I don’t read it, one of my friends loves it, she thinks you’re a great writer.

It’s literally my worst nightmare moment because it’s so strange to me that anyone reads this whiny mess sometimes. The original deer in the headlights moment… and yet I’m so flattered and even more awkward, lol…

J- Thanks- it’s a little strange having someone recognize me for it, that’s all.

G- Take it as a compliment, she said it’s good.

I can’t help but think back to the first few years when my blog got a few hits a month…. and now I can count how many different countries readers come from. 17 today. Bizarre, right? I’m kind of a big deal in Jamaica and India…who knew? I’m enjoying a glass of wine after work and getting a Pinterest fix at the bar.

Two of my favorite women come in to have a beer together and invite me along to dinner. They’re like the big sisters I always wanted and needed, but didn’t have. The brains of the operation. Miss Wisdom and Miss Happiness. Miss Wisdom has saved me in the last few weeks when I didn’t know up from down. Miss Happiness just is the happiest person I’ve ever met. She hugs me every time I see her, and just the sight of her smiling face is enough to make you have a better day.

I’ve been saved by the women in my life in the last few weeks. Saved by the clear headed female wonders who can see the reality of the chaos surrounding me when I’m busy trying to figure out where the flood is coming from while standing with my hand on the faucet.

Can’t see the forest for trees? HA…. I’d be happy if the trees were the only thing I can’t see… I’d be happy with a glimpse of the blue sky.

BUT… there’s always hope because I’m blessed with amazing friends that giggle over the crazy chaos that follows me daily, and after getting home, putting the dogs in their kennels and pouring myself a much needed glass of wine, I sat down to listen to the days messages, read email, etc… and heard a chorus of my favorite ladies singing <and laughing> to me….

“Hey we heard you were a wild one…”

lol….

I have no idea where they got that idea…

Vice Parade

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Ok so I’m a creature of comfort. I like it. Domesticity=heaven in my book. Making breakfast in heels and panties makes me happy.

A wannabe pin-up for sure. I’d put my hair in pigtails if it wouldn’t risk ruining the perfect eggs.

Looking at the day ahead and breathing, finally. Itching to go for a run in the fog.

Cleaning the kitchen… emptying the dead food from the refrigerator and deciding to sink into my own little parade of vices.

So I iron a dress, and curl my hair. Fake lashes, the whole nine. Why not. I feel better and nobody needed to see me for the past week- I’m starving and there’s nothing to eat. Hell I might even go to two stores, or even three. I love grocery shopping. Love it. Especially at Super 1 after my whole Mr. Flintstone crush.

Call it a retail high, or my Mormon roots shining through… but I go down every aisle, happily. I curled my hair for this, I’m gonna enjoy it!

First things first, a dozen roses. Fuck Valentine’s day this year, period. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to be tortured by the displays and not see roses in my kitchen. Nope. That’s the beauty of being a self reliant, single woman. $15 is cheap to avoid another boyfriend.

Olive bar… oh gawddd… this is gonna be one of those days. Prawns, fresh basil, grape tomatoes, fresh mozzarella pearls…prosciutto and marinated artichoke hearts. Be still my heart.

Pizza… bacon… and my favorite little Ham & Swiss Lunchable. Oh my. You absolutely CAN buy happiness.

This girl intends to feed this broken heart until it’s full again. Emotional eating? Absolutely- don’t judge.

Fresh tuna, lobster tails, wasabi and baby fingerling potatoes. Everything to make Husband soup. Inoki mushrooms, praise God.

Rootbeer, vanilla ice cream… and everything to bake myself into the white zone.

Two bottles of Sauvingnon Blanc and a bag of beef jerky… because I’m still that pathetic broken hearted girl and it reminds me of him. I’m being honest. Ugh. Ouch. Time to get baking.

Dicing vegetables is zen. I’m meticulous. I have to have perfect little square potatoes, and they have to be fairly uniform. I don’t like haphazard soup… and I enjoy the process. Washing mushrooms and peeling carrots. Making the dough for the noodles and diving deep into my favorite things to save myself.

I’m sad, and it’s awful- and I miss him… and I know that I just have to miss him from now on… and it sucks when you know you just have to survive it, because the pain is not going to end until you let it. It was so right… so incredibly everything I ever wanted… and it’s confusing how it all ended and it’s hard having him hate me. How’s that for truth. Ugh.

Making noodles makes me feel ridiculously attractive. Funny huh? I’m the sexiest noodle making old fashioned girl on the block, lol. I like doing things the old fashioned way. I love making it from scratch. I’m Jenni Crocker Stewart on overdrive, consider this my public service announcement. Y’all are about to gain some weight if you stop by.

Why not make bread if I’m making noodles, right? Sure. Honey whole wheat rolls, for my daughter to pack for lunch this week too. If this nightmare has taught me anything, it’s to stick to my core values and true feelings. I knew something was wrong when he wasn’t waiting for me at the airport. I’m a fucking hypocrite if I tell my kids to listen to their heart and ignore my own. I ignored some red flags here and there because it was just so good. Funny and intimate and amazing. Until it wasn’t. I’m really determined to be thankful for the good moments because the pictures make me smile and the memories are priceless in knowing what it feels like to have someone be wonderful to you. It’s a hell of a story, if nothing else.

My life is a damn movie, lol…

Complete with Puerto Rican Police and being roofied. Word. Come on, laugh with me about it. I’m still in shock. A week ago today I was walking in the rainforest with him, so in love and so sad to be leaving him I dissolved into tears all day. It was fantastic and I am thankful for the memories.

Bake, woman… stop thinking… grating lemons, melting butter… mmmm…. Meyer Lemon Bars.

Fresh pesto with the basil I bought… Mmm the house smells amazing. My bread is rising, my noodles are drying and the broth is simmering lightly on the stove.

Success. Grin. Let the fun begin.

A delightful cigarette before filling a glass of wine… and a bubble bath with my favorite coconut scented bubbles. Scrub my feet and shave my legs… anything to get rid of this tan that is a constant reminder that I just got back. Bruises here and there. My aching heart. It all just sucks to go through. Haven’t I done this enough already? Haven’t I learned my lesson? What the fuck is wrong with me and my judgement? Seriously.

He’s more worried about how I portrayed him than the fact someone put something in my drink… while telling me I don’t know what real love is. To be honest, I think he’s right. I don’t know what it is… but I do know what it’s not.

This is a prime example of what real love ISN’T. Perhaps it could have been, but without faith, love doesn’t stand a chance.

I have an hour before I have to shape my dough into rolls… and I’ve avoided my knitting because I’ve been too depressed. Knitting makes me happy and I have brand new fuzzy brown yarn. Within a few stitches I’m at ease. Calming down. Breathing deeply and allowing myself to miss him even though it’s gone so horribly south. It’s a lot to deal with in a week and I’m still reeling. Nevermind the impact of the climate change on my body, my whole world has been turned upside down and I have been in both heaven and hell in the last 7 days. I don’t recommend it.

This darling little bunny face is shaping himself in my hands and I’m wistful. He wanted me to knit him something and I naturally start. I’m so ridiculously predictable it’s sad, lol. I’ll make him for myself and it will be a reminder that I shouldn’t do too much. Cute little seed stitch ears, a little pink nose… he’s adorable already and he’s simply a decapitated bunny head. Sitting down to quietly make something with your hands, even if it’s nothing more than folding rags into squares is soothing, routine, and peaceful.

Sunday cleaning, fresh fluffy towels in the bathroom and clean sheets on my little darling’s bed. Fluffy white socks, a freshly washed blanket and one of many glasses of wine needed to face this day. Stupid shows about weddings… ya know- cause that’s what you watch when you want to wallow in your breakup.

Because ultimately… if it can work out for that crazy bitch on the TV?

It can definitely work out for you.

Cheers… and give me a call if you’re hungry :)

Preconceived Notions…

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I’m always amused by the people who read my blog and think it’s a description of my character or even a shadow of who I really am.

I’m especially bemused by the people who believe everything they read. I’d be willing to bet these are the same folks that watch Fox news.

This is my verbal exhale, my wordy little cathartic playground. Play nice or fuck off. Yeah… that’s how it is.

I couldn’t care less if you’re critical, judgmental or hell-bent to dislike me. Go ahead- drink your big ol’ glass of Hater-ade and keep on reading. If anything you inspire me to be spicy…just to get under your skin and piss you off.

I’m an amazing woman. I’m a great daughter, a happy mommy and so very much more than a bunch of words typed in anger, sadness, disappointment… or even joy, love and hope.

If I’m going to be judged by anyone? It’ll be by the people I love and care about that I choose to have in my personal life. If you know me personally? Then none of this comes as a surprise.

I’m the one that leaves dinner on your doorstep, takes your kids when you’re sick and knits your mom a hat when she has cancer and all her hair falls out. True story.

I love deeply… I forgive quickly… and I do not carry a grudge. I move through my life with respect to everyone and everything around me. I say nice things. I do nice things. I believe in Karma before all else, and if you think for a second that I don’t judge myself a million times harder than anyone? Think again.

There’s a lot you’ll never know about me, because for as much as I share… I am intensely private and constantly concerned about hurting someone’s feelings. I don’t like it when people dislike me- and I will go to the ends of the earth to apologize when I’m wrong.

My mother told me nearly every day as a child… “To err is human, to forgive, divine”. We were browbeaten with the golden rule & taught to help, love & nurture the people and things in our lives.

So shoot me if I’m a bit of a vixen behind closed doors… shouldn’t every fantastic woman be?

I’ve put my trust where it wasn’t valued, and I’ve shared my heartache with the masses. If that makes me a bad person in your eyes then I apologize for your inept holier than thou attitude… OH and I have a list of guys I’d love to set you up on a date with… <snicker>…

I’ve made turning the other cheek an art form and have learned to keep my chin up even as the water flooded in up to my pearl-clad earlobes.

I’m a woman, Phenomenally… Phenomenal woman, that’s me. – Maya Angelou

Feeling a little sensitive this morning, obviously… and definitely annoyed that people still waste time judging anyone else- but whatev… If it’s one thing I’ve learned by blogging, it’s that you can’t please everyone, and sometimes it’s just a lot more fun to tell someone to kick rocks, plus I’m pretty good at burning the verbal house down.

Would life be any fun if we were all the same? No. Would it be better if I wasn’t outspoken? No. Should I give a fuck what anyone thinks? No. That’s their shit- not mine.

I happen to think I’m pretty sweet. I think you’d have a hard time arguing with me if you were a friend of mine, or loved by me. In fact, I know this- because I make an effort to really truly love the people I’m blessed to have in my life.

All of whom would go to the ends of the Earth for me, because I’d do the same.

Some things you don’t know- and should… because obviously I care what you think even though I wish I didn’t, lol….

~ I’m a sentimental hoarder. I save all the art projects, all the report cards, etc… that my children have made. My favorites are laminated… ya know… because they’re my most priceless possessions. I have a china cabinet in my living room full of homemade “treasures”. People look in it and laugh… but if the house caught on fire I’d risk my life to save its contents.

~ I’ll hold your baby while you eat, even while I’m working. I’m that nice lady that refills your drink and charms your little monster long enough that you can eat hot food. Regardless of the tip or if it affects your opinion of me. I do it because I love little people and I’m a supermom.

~ I remember what your favorite color is, your favorite candy… your favorite flowers- because I’m thoughtful and I want you to have what you love on your birthday.

~ I write under pressure of a deadline because I’m writing a book and I would love to not have to ask “Would you like chips or fries with that” for the rest of my life. I look at the big picture, not the thumbnails. I care about the example I set for my children and though I’m proud that I’m able to support this crazy expensive household… it’s more important to me that they see me do what I love and what I enjoy because I want that for both of them.

~ Regardless of money being ridiculously tight- you can have my last $5 if you need it. I give freely with no expectation of the same being returned. I won’t hassle you to repay it- but if you don’t it will definitely be the last time. I’m nice, not stupid :)

~ I make heart shaped pancakes… and I’m so OCD I separate the batter so that some of them are pink and some of them are white… I know… it’s silly… but those are the little details that make me have a wonderful day….I don’t eat them. ♥

~ I feed the cat tuna fish and the dogs chicken and rice every once in a while… purely because I would be miserable if I had to eat the same old boring dry crunchies every day.

~ I put my extra pennies in the take-a-penny dish at the gas station.

I’m nice, dammit… and a blessing to have in your life if you’re so lucky.

So there.

Hmph…. I’m burning these damn people pleasing panties, once and for all.

Yeah you, Mike….aka “The Plate”

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Ohhhh Mikey… You’re going to learn a very big boy lesson right now. Us grown girls don’t fuck around and we do not take it lightly when you think for a second that you can make sad examples of our baby sisters. You have barked up the wrong tree this time, good old plate-man. Some of us don’t give a fuck what you’re capable of in bed. We care about your character…. of which you have none.

I just have one thing to say… She’s what… 20? Hmmm… Honestly? That’s so much easier to hide your bipolar alcoholism from. Way to go you…

She’s a poor man’s Lovely, and you know it…. but then we all do.

Yep… I’m not fucking nice…. and when you mess with the best? You mess with the meanest bitch with a keyboard in the Pacific Northwest…. but honey… you mess with her? You mess with the whole lot of us… and we love her enough to hang our bare asses out to make an even bigger ass of you.

Doubt me? I’m counting on it. Go ahead and try me… and I’ll lay your tiny little sad details bare… and you can walk around barefoot picking up the pathetic shards of your life while I laugh, point at you and mock your existence.

Umm hmmm… just ask the boys who’s unflattering nicknames highlight the tags on my blog…

I live to humiliate the worthy.

I work hard to empower the women I know are worth it… and this man? Not that he qualifies as a man… he deserves the shameful ass-handing he’s about to get.

Hi Mike… kiss, kiss… guess what? I never really liked you. I tolerated you because you meant something to someone I loved as much or more than I love than my sisters. Yep… you lucky piece of shit… you actually made it worthwhile to humiliate you, and I’ve taken a vow of angelic perfection.

My curls are hanging just right… my ruby red lips are smiling… and my darling boyfriend is out being better than you without even trying. Asleep… he has you beat.

Good game, high 5… Bitch…. and ohhh honey… don’t lie… cause I’m cataloging them and I will systematically destroy you publicly if you continue to contact my darling girl.

Though I’d love to know how you get out of these details… and I’d pay big bucks to be a fly on the wall if she reads it to you, looking for answers. Come on, tell me… cause I’m dying to know… Mikey doesn’t like it?

20 is fuckable… not permanent… lol… but then you knew that because you WILL NOT LEAVE MY LOVELY ALONE.

:) lol… go ahead… take it away my darling Lovely friend…..

Dear K,

I understand the discomfort in hearing from me, I’d be equally as uncomfortable if I’d gotten an email from you.

But I didn’t.

I was faced with the reality of you being a part of my boyfriend’s life when one of our close friends, G, broke down and cried the week after I got back from scattering my dad’s ashes in Hawaii. That was late October. It was the night that Mike crashed the boat and he called me. I was sitting on his couch, watching tv and we had plans the next day when he got back from elk hunting.

I had no idea you even existed in our relationship. I’m sorry if you’re equally as shocked right now. It is not my intention- I only know that if nobody had told me about you, I never would have known and would still be thinking about my future and life with him. We talked marriage .I have a close relationship with his son. We rode bikes around town and looked at houses for sale. We had two dogs together, Tanman and Tuck. We grew a garden together.  He built us a bed from his bare hands. I am sorry to share my pain with you, but you deserve the truth as much as I did.

Unfortunately… this hasn’t really ended between him and I. We are still sexually active. I’ve been intimate with him this week. He still expresses his love but he has told me it’s over between the two of you. He told me you’d found out about me and ended things.

One thing sticks in my mind though… he tells me always that if I really want to make him hate me, or end things forever, then I’ll tell you what’s going on.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write, because I really truly love him. The facts on the ground are that it’s an unhealthy abusive relationship and I apologize if I’m hurting you to save myself, but it’s only right. You deserve the truth he worked so hard to hide from me. You deserve to know that I’m not just some crazy ex he’s labeled me as.

I’m quite Lovely. I have amazing friends who love me and a family that I go overboard to protect. I’m a good person and I have a good heart. I have had a rough year, but my heart and life are full. I am blessed to have people in my life who hold me accountable; and this is why I’m writing this letter to you today. I’m damn funny, and in any other circumstance my guess is that we might get along famously, and hell…. we are Eskimo sisters now. I’m sure you’re very nice too.

I’ve heard he takes you to the same places… and he probably says the same things. I’m sure you play with our dog and I heard you work at the animal hospital so I’m sure Tanner probably loves you… that is particularly painful because we made a choice together with regards to our future, one that I’m not part of like I used to be. So shoot me… I miss my dog and it sucks to think about someone else being the face he wakes up to.

I’ve done everything I could think of to avoid sending this to you- and frankly he threatens that if I said anything to you he’d simply fuck some other girl from the bar. This week, someone told me you are still very much a part of his life. I’ve asked, and he hasn’t mentioned you- so it was the same old shock, all over again. I realized that if I didn’t say something to you, I was just as culpable as Mike keeping you a secret from me. I know we were intimate with him at the same time because he’s admitted as much to me.

I’m sure you don’t like me. I’m positive you’ve been conditioned to think I’m some crazy ex girlfriend, just like I’ve been told you’re out of the picture.

You can call me if you want to talk to me. I completely understand if you don’t. The very sad truth of it all is that we both fell for the same guy and we both deserve more. He was my best friend and the love of my life… and one attempt to get over this whole nightmare was cutting up his deer over mimosas to “My Best Friend’s Wedding”… one of many examples of our attempts to make it all better and get back on track over the last few months.

Because years of love, heartache, absolute joy, and then total sadness have a way of making even the most inane moments feel so perfect. He seeks me out. I cave. I’m sorry if you have somehow been caught in the chaos of the unraveling of our relationship- but you deserve truth, if nothing else.

Perhaps I’m just the wrong girl, or perhaps it was all just a lesson and this is just a simple set of Cliff Notes for you to understand. Perhaps it just is, what it is. But… if nothing else… I believe you deserve the truth….and if the truth sets you free?  Then hey… You’re fucking welcome. :)

My number is ***-***-****. You can call or text me if you need. I have answers if you’re wanting them.

As for me? I just want you to know what I know.

-L