Category Archives: Victory!

Nothing prepared me…

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Wait for it…

…. …. ………… On the worst of weekends I can remember in a long time…

A perfect date.

Not only a perfect date, but an absolutely perfect gentleman. Complete with door opening skills and everything.

One of my darling friends has been bugging me for a while.

B- Come on… just one date. I would not fix you up with my brother if I didn’t know for sure he’d treat you kindly and with the respect you deserve. I’m giving him your number.

I agreed… and he invited me to dinner last night.

On the heels of quite a nightmare weekend, I was tempted to cancel all day. I spent the afternoon with a new girlfriend and washed my hands of the stupid damn hoarder.

Fuck that guy- he’ll never waste a second of my time again and I wont waste another tear, another ounce of my self respect or another syllable on him. He’s a tragic example of what men have come to represent in my life. Liars, cheats and unapologetic bastards. That’s been my experience, so it’s no wonder he appealed to me- he’s the king of douche bags. He actually makes Thomas Murray look like a decent human being. Hell… at least Thomas didn’t cycle through my Facebook friends list looking for his next victims.

I was dreading my date tonight, to be completely honest. I haven’t slept in days- I haven’t eaten. My stomach was flip flopping from hunger and heartache and I was a nervous wreck. I was praying as the clock ticked closer to his arrival that I wouldn’t be attracted to him and could completely relax.

He’s a brand new transplant- and the big brother of a woman I love like a sister. How bad could it be… right?

He pulled up to pick me up and oh. Oh. Oh. Shiny bald… beautiful arms- and a smile I already love because it resembles the friend I miss so much.

He opened my door. He looked as nervous as I was, which was instantly comforting. His truck was sparkling clean… like he just drove it off the lot.

J- Ok… you’re never allowed in my car.

G- I cleaned it today, ha ha ha…

He opens doors. He has perfect manners. He tells me several times to order anything I want and laughs when I admit openly that I’m painfully shy and awkward at times.

G- You’re incredibly beautiful- you don’t need to feel shy around me.

Stunned silent in the first 15 minutes…. and we both end up blushing.

I’m indecisive when I’m shy. I don’t want to commit to wanting anything. I’m the original “Whatever sounds good to you” girl. He smiles and orders the sampler, offering me a chicken wing when our odd waiter drops the plate at our table.

J- I’m kind of funny about meat on the bone.

Blushhhh…. we’re both fighting grins and red as beets. Our waiter is making things as painfully awkward as possible. He didn’t appear to hear a thing we say and for two shy people this is tantamount to torture. Oddly enough we order the exact same thing. He eats his steak the same way I do. He has impeccable table manners.

Be still my heart.

He smiles a smile so genuine that I feel it to my toes. I owe my girlfriend Tiffany or Coach for Christmas. I’d forgotten what it felt like to actually enjoy a date, with a really nice guy, who’s also super cute and completely respectful.

The overwhelming feeling of being in his presence? I felt safe & protected. An overwhelming feeling of being in the presence of a real man with real integrity and real character sweeps over me and I blush again and thank him for reminding me that dating is supposed to be fun.

He says the one thing I really needed to hear, without even knowing it.

G- My parents raised me to treat women like I”d want my mother or sister to be treated. I’m kind of shy but I pride myself on being a gentleman.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

It hits me like a train when he smiles and I realize something.

Nice girls attract nice men.

If you’re going to sell out for less than you deserve then you’re going to wake up next to it too.

I’ve been pissed off all weekend over a very close friend dropping her self respect and decency to climb in bed with the stupid Vagina Hoarder. I’ve really grieved losing what I always thought was a dear friend. I expect it from the hoarder- I did not expect it from her.

This beautiful man treating me kindly and with respect taught me a powerful lesson.

I didn’t lose anything- in fact- I’d actually like to thank them both, if I didn’t want to spit in both of their faces. Baby steps… maybe someday.

I gained a brand new girlfriend. I learned the truth about another one and I read a whole lot of text messages from that same  girl I thought was my friend. Anybody willing to sell out and sleep with someone that hurt her girlfriend is nothing more than a garden variety idiot. It’s not my fault and nothing I could do or say to her will compare to what he’ll put her through.

Douche bags of a feather, flock together…. and I’d rather have a prince than a disease infested rodent.

It’s ok to expect people to treat you kindly and with respect when that’s how you move through your own life. I’m an amazing friend- and I go out of my way to express my love and appreciation for my friends. I remember birthdays and I will joyfully make you the best damn homemade soup you’ve ever eaten if you get sick. My mom is the only family I have here with the exception of my children, so my girlfriends are the sisters I’ve hand picked. I treasure and celebrate them.

Oh but when you break that trust? You’re an enemy. Better than that? You’re a moving target I will happily slaughter for stats. Push me far enough and you’ll find your face on my blog- just ask Thomas- and I’d be willing to bet it will be your least favorite picture. My bases are covered by the letter of the law and a savvy attorney.

I sat at my dinner date, feeling good for the first time in days and slowly warming up to the idea of actually dating this beautiful creature. This guy is actually amazing.

And?

He’s an over-tipper… which compliments me indirectly because I’m a server. He probably tipped the guy 34-40%. Enough that the guy stopped, looked at the check and coughed out a stunned “thank you”. We left and he opened my car door, he drove me home and asked if he could walk me to the door. I declined.

He didn’t make a single move to touch me, but smiled at me once more and said…

G- I would love to see you again. Thank you for letting me take you out.

J- Thank you for dinner- I’ll see you soon.

Grins all around and a text message a few minutes after, thanking me again while telling me he wished we had miniature golf in town so the night didn’t have to end early.

See?

I’ve joked for a long time that I was not picking another date for myself and lo and behold… my darling Miss Blogtastic went and hit one out of the park.

Shiny bald… tattoos…beautiful arms… but more than the hot packaging he’s wrapped in? He’s genuine and redeemable. A real live good man with honor and integrity.

My very own wonderful example that when you value yourself first- and when you respect yourself in spite of the assholes and whores you’re surrounded by?

The right guy can walk right up and show you just how right you are.

I can’t wait to see him again- and it feels pretty damn amazing to know I could date him endlessly and be nothing but delighted and respected for the pleasure of my company. How do I know that?

Because he said so- and he was hand chosen by a real friend who put it better than I can.

B- You deserve a good man, and even if it doesn’t work out in the end, he’s the guy that will continue to get in touch with you just to see how your life is and to be your friend. He’s loyal like that. I’m glad you finally agreed to a blind date.

That makes three of us…. :)

The Anti-Farmer

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Who needs internet dating, all you really need is a giant garden bordered on one side by the road.

Boobs, sundress, tattoos… and they drop like flies neatly along my fence line.

I spent 10 hours in the garden yesterday, with the sunburn to show for it; and it was insanity. The women smile and wave, generally saying something nice about my garden or muttering about my mental stability under their breath.

The men stop.

The older retired set compliment me on being a good woman, and we chat for a while about how women don’t grow their own food anymore and how sad that is. He leaves with more compliments, referring to me as Sugar, Honey, or Sweetheart as he walks away. He always tells me he’ll be back when the tomatoes are ripe… and he always is. I have at least a dozen older neighbors that wave dollar bills over the fence every September.

The married men… and these are the worst. The big bad wolves of the neighborhood. I could tell you every single husband that cheats on his wife within a mile of my house. They leer at me. they make comments about my appearance. They start running daily during garden season. They come late afternoon to catch me rinsing off. I know these things because they tell me. Eww. There’s really nothing worse than being hit on by a guy, only to sit next to his wife at PTA meetings. Some men are just snakes…

The boyfriends… and these are the best. They talk about their girlfriend’s garden and ask me for garden advice or just tell me they think the garden is beautiful. They usually make the effort to stand my fence up a little straighter too. They’re the good guys, the helpers. Aw. There’s about one a week, so don’t get too excited.

The single men. The most challenging. Don’t get me wrong- I’ll be damn happy if my very own Prince Charming walks up to the fence to hand me a shiny 3 carat princess diamond. Yeah, sign me up- but it just isn’t that easy. These men range from absolutely repulsive to hot 23 year old half naked college student home for the summer. It’s either light hearted flirtation with a side of compliments- or outright whistling, followed by a request for my number.

With a nice exception yesterday.

I was roasting in the mid-morning sunshine. Spreading newspaper and straw mulch in between the rows to keep the weeds at bay. I’m determined to pull off this garden and work full time, and enjoy the summer with my daughter. I’m trying to cover as many bases as I can to make this as easy as possible. I heard someone at the fence and looked up.

Bald.

I laugh at myself because it’s the first thing I notice and acknowledge it silently in my head. I start walking over, smiling and melting at the same time.

Cute.

He’s cute, cute. I think I’ve seen him somewhere before. I’m not sure. Damn cute though- granted his shiny head is only helping him with me. What a weakness… good Lord.

C- Hey, this is quite a garden you have here. Is it a city project?

J- Nope, just mine.

C- Well it’s beautiful and I love the round paths, it’s very feminine.

J- I suppose that happens when there’s not a man demanding straight rows? I like it curvy.

C- It looks that way. Here’s my card, I just moved to town and I’d love to help sometime if you want. I’d like to know what makes an anti-farmer start farming.

J- An anti-farmer?

C- Clearly you’re a girlie girl, but with tattoos and 8 times an average vegetable garden?

J- Pretty much.

C- Call me if you want, I want to know more.

He smiled and jogged off and I laughed…

Perhaps I should make a poster and announce it to the masses. I’m not dating… which is precisely when they all come flying at you. I’m too happy not dating, though I’m definitely wound tightly. My life is a douche bag free zone. It’s complication free, stress free and happy. My biggest concern is a slug eating my cucumber plants. I have a new job I’m really excited about.

I have time with my daughter and my garden is going in quicker than ever before this year. I’m moving my own mountains, instead of wasting time getting my feelings hurt. I crave bad habits like everybody- but I’m finally at a point that the cost is too high for me to consider. I know that I can’t have what I really want in my life if I’m wasting time doing what I know doesn’t work.

Tempting… oh so tempting… but no.

I have tomatoes to plant. A fence to rebuild (ugh…) a yard sale to put together, a new job, etc… I don’t have time for a potential douche bag- so as sweet as they all are- and as easy as it is in the garden.

I’m throwing the number away. Sigh.

I know myself too well…. and he’s gonna look better and better while I’m doing that fence.

Learning Faith

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I got the job I really wanted today. With my unemployment not even projected to arrive for another 4-5 weeks? I am so thankful I actually clapped my hands when she told me.

I’ll be working with a lot of people I already love and respect in a much more mature atmosphere. I’ll no longer be the oldest server. I like both of the people who hired me enough to invite them to dinner.

… and they’re normal and professional enough to accept. The atmosphere at my last job was very different. I never would have thought to invite either of my bosses to dinner because they work overtime to keep themselves separate from the staff. A very us vs. them sort of feeling.

She even invited me to a party for the staff. She’s openly friendly and I feel my soul exhale. I’m so excited. I got it. I applied for the one I wanted most, first… and I’ll be working there from now on.

Amen… and thank God.

I drove home slowly enough to annoy the other drivers on the road, beaming; and really truly believing in myself again. I’ve been reciting the Desiderata in my head for two weeks, reminding myself constantly that many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. I’ve spent time with my friends, I’ve reconnected with my mama and I’ve remembered who I really and truly am.

I’ve washed my hands of a nightmare only to wake up in my very own dream coming true.

A job better suited to me and where and who I want to be. A clear view of the real friends in my life. A solid view of myself as a single unit only to realize how much happiness there can be found in enjoying your own company without worrying about it always just being you, yourself, and well… you. I’m a helluva lot of fun. It’s ok if it’s always just me.

I don’t mind dancing alone.

I put the pathways into my garden. I planted potatoes and onions. I danced around the rows and sang at the top of my lungs to the amusement of the passersby. I let myself really celebrate my own victory because it’s been a damn scary two weeks and I. Am. So. Excited.

My best friend called and we had to scream on the phone for a while.

Learning to have faith has been difficult for me. I’ve faced a ridiculous amount of challenges in the last year and I’ve let myself drown in anger and fear too many times to count. I’d lost sight of the fact that a little faith goes a long way… and a lot of faith moves mountains.

What a fanfreakin-tastic day.

It’s so BIG.

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Yeah if I had a quarter for every time I said “That’s what she said” yesterday? I could retire.

Sigh.

My darling chosen father showed up with a rototiller at 10 o’clock. He’d driven by a week ago and saw me weeding in the garden and I got a call later.

B- Hi Jen, I drove by and saw you trying to do the impossible. Call me. I’ll go get the tiller.

I couldn’t ask him to till it again. He did it last year and I let it go to shit with my terrifying water bill and full time job. All that work and I didn’t even pull it off. I couldn’t call him back.

So he showed up with it anyway.

My Bill. My dad, as I’ve taken to calling him. He’s been there for me since I was a kid.

When I was 14 or 15 he met my mom and offered to help. He drove me to school for years. He’s always been there for me and has taught me a million things. He taught me how to install insulation, how to drive a snowmobile and a boat. He’s happily married and a complete pervert. He regularly comments on my boobs, as he always has.

B- When are ya gonna take that rack out and get a husband, this is ridiculous to do alone and you shouldn’t be single.

J- I have horrible taste.

B- Obviously if I’m the one driving the tiller.

His youngest son died suddenly last summer. It’s been a hard year… and yet?

He’s always been there for me.

He loaned me the money to save me from getting the water turned off after the leak from hell and when I had nowhere to turn and no idea what to do.

He gave me a car when mine broke and it was too expensive to fix it.

He tilled my garden, for the second year in a row… and he’s picky like me so he went over it twice without me asking. He paid for it, wouldn’t take a dollar and came and left like the real dad it feels like he is to me. I tell him every time that I love him. He’s not one of those guys… but as long as he knows I do- we’re good.

Beyond all the help he gives me, and the real support he’s always been to me?

He calls me on my shit.

B- Time to get that hibernation weight off you. It’s high season in the lake and you need someone to help you around here. Time to get out there and find a nice husband.

J- What if I don’t want one of those?

B- Maybe I should buy a tiller.

For all the shit he gives me, he’d kill a man for being disrespectful to me, he destroys the undercarriage of his shiny new black Corvette to come down my driveway to check on me… and he shows up for the worst of jobs… like climbing under the house. Ugh.

He puts the time in. He get’s his hands dirty… hell he gets cut and bleeds over this damn garden every year- and yesterday was no exception. He got here early- around 9:30… and I was still in my bikini and a nightgown. I threw on my garden boots and raced out to the garden to meet him and he started laughing.

B- Trying to drum up more volunteers?

J- What?

B- Oh hell are you gonna start doing yard work in high heel shoes again?

J- If I do, I expect you to support me.

B- I’m not a hippie. I’m not worried about hurting your feelings. I’m going to tell you when you look like an idiot and when you’re tromping through the soil with your heels sticking into the mulch? You look like an idiot.

Which is when another person walks up to the fence and says…

L- It’s SO big!!!

he laughs and shouts back..

B- Thank you, but I’m afraid I don’t remember our night together.

She frowns and walks away.

J- You. Behave… these are my neighbors.

He laughs and goes back to plowing. I’m in full fledged suffering mode. Shoveling huge garden cart loads of compost and spreading it over the entire garden. Every muscle in my body is screaming out and begging me to reconsider this enormous commitment.

I can feel the sweat run down my spine. My eyes are burning from my epic allergies this spring and the tires are flat on my garden cart. I’m absolutely knee deep in purgatory. I can feel every single thread of every muscle running from my tailbone to my neck.

I’m reconsidering every inch of this garden… not to mention that it’s nearly an acre. The blisters on my hands from pulling the cart are breaking against the dirty cold metal handle. Ouch.

Which is when the hot bald volunteer shows up.

D- Hey. Jen?

I look up and die a little… and have to laugh. My pops turns the tiller off and comes to stand next to me when he sees him jump over the fence.

B- Are you a Jehova witness? We don’t need a watchtower, we need tilled soil and a fence.

D- Oh I offered to help her fix the fence.

B- Great. Follow me.

J- Slow down. How about you meet each other first.

D- Hi, I’m,

B- She needs a fence, so thanks for offering. Let’s get you all set up, come here I’ll show you the wood.

So this is what it’s like to have a dad. I feel like I’m living my own version of Meet the Fockers. He’s not usually like this, but he’s not fucking around and when the shiny volunteer starts to balk, my Pops laughs and walks back to keep on tilling, shaking his head.

D- Maybe we could get a beer next week?

J- No, but thank you.

He made his excuses and exited the line of fire fairly quickly. Pops was all over it the minute he drove away.

B- If he was serious he would have come dressed to help.

J- I know.

We finish out the day just dragging through it. Exhausted on a level I haven’t known for a while. I’m sunburned, I have dirt in my hair and an acre of bare soil staring back at me, daring me to pull off the impossible, yet again.

Standing back to survey the absolute lunacy of growing a garden this big, alone… an idea hits me.

J- Maybe I’ll make it into a rainbow this year!

B- I don’t think that’s a good idea.

J- I think it’d be beautiful!

B- I think it would attract the wrong guy.

He’s my Pops…  and we laugh like hell when we’re hanging out. We had to rinse all the dirt off the tiller before returning it and it hit the wrong piece of angled metal on the tiller and I sprayed him full force in the thigh. He left, soaking wet & laughing… inviting my daughter and I over for a martini and a soak in the hot tub. At this point breathing hurts and every muscle in my body just wants to hold very, very still. Ouch.

He hugs me goodbye with the most amazing sentiment.

B- Let me know if I can help you with anything else. We’ll get the fence figured out, don’t worry.

J- I love you Dad.

He smiled at me and threw a piece of dirt at me.

B- I love you too, good luck planting all that. You need to make friends with some hippies that don’t have a garden or start wearing less and wait for a nice guy to volunteer.

I stood there in an acre of open dirt and laughed. Here… look.

Any suggestions? I like it round but it’s a bit of a pain to navigate with hoses & weeding. Hmm…

Scary Happy

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I’m back to my infectiously happy self. I’m beaming. People everywhere tease me and ask about the new guy in my life. I blush.

Nope. No guy. No man. Nada, nada, nada…. No gracias.

It’s me, I’m back.

I’ve missed me. It’s like coming out of a fog. I’m baking. Sewing. Planting. Transplanting…. and walking the five minutes to my daughter’s school every day to pick her up. I’m so filled with joy at having these moments back that my chest aches a little. We’re cooking dinner together and taking bike rides afterward.

I’ve lost 12 pounds not being surrounded by fried food. I have a lovely tan from spending so much time in the greenhouse. My tomato plants are thriving and I spend my mornings dancing in the greenhouse in a swimsuit, watering my little green children. I’m beside myself with joy.

My finger & toenails are painted. My dishes are done and the laundry is clean, folded and put away. I’ve had time to go to the grocery store and I’ve been making marshmallows for the market this weekend. I’m getting ready for a yard sale. I’m working with what I have until I start working again.

Not dating, and more importantly taking the time to actually write about my Puerto Rican nightmare. I’m taking the next two weeks offline. Unplugging the computer and shutting off the DirectTv. Diving in to this rare opportunity to be the housewife I used to be and get my own home and life in order. Building fences and baking cookies. Slipping back into a dress and heels, my uniform of choice.

I’d gotten lost. I forgot to do what really makes me happy and the rest falls into place. I don’t want to date some idiot. I don’t want to drink after work with coworkers every night my daughter is gone. Yeah the house is empty but it’s also a pretty cool place to hang out, and I’m happier at home. I’ve been sewing curtains and diaper covers and monsters.

I’ve been getting rid of the excess in our lives and in our house so that we have less upkeep.

and I’ve been spending some serious time playing Bejeweled.

Unemployment is absolutely terrifying when you’re a single mom, and it’s going to be another 5 weeks before my unemployment starts to come in. Yikes… but I love a challenge and I’m resourceful as hell when it comes to being broke. I dated an unemployed hippie for 7 years. I could impress the world with how many things I can do with rice. :)

I’m living my life again- and not someone elses. I have clean sheets on my bed and clean socks in the drawer. Homemade spearmint soap in the shower and freshly bleached towels.

I’m a domestic hurricane of happiness, and it feels SO fantastic.

I’ve lost some friends, enemies and a job… but I’ve gained my life, my happiness and my self respect back.

Life is uncertain, but it is so good when you’re living true to yourself. It’s a scary good change and such a blessing in disguise.

This too shall pass, so while it’s here I’m going to enjoy the hell out of it. ♥

I’m spending time with dear girlfriends- and you know what they say… you find out who the real ones are when the chips are down. I’ve heard from a few of my favorite customers expressing their appreciation and someone left a six pack of beer on my porch the other day.

Simple kindness and delighting in the simple things in life reminds me what is truly important.

We’re going to go see the new baby chicks that hatched in my mama’s chicken yard this week and to collect eggs. I’m begging little red to let me go along on the field trip with her school tomorrow. I realize all the things I’ve missed that are so important and so vital to life being worth anything at the end of the day.

I’m breathing again, smiling and I’m grateful. It’s good to be back. ♥