He grinned and asked me for the millionth time:

A- So what’s a vanity appointment?

I hadn’t planned on him clinging to this term so tenaciously and was fresh out of responses or quick evasion. There are times I just want to lay my head down and cry these annoying feelings, away.

Or level him with the truth to the point that he stops making it so much harder for me.

J- Oh just another appointment designed to make me feel better, because I’m stupid in love with you and think I might die from the frustration.

Ok, maybe honesty is not the best policy.


I’ve waxed, painted, shaved, sweated and augmented this body of mine to the point of no return. My beautiful Songbird is going to bleach him out of my hair later today. I have some ridiculous spider-leg-like eyelash extensions that have given me an incredible break from the daily grind of eyeliner and I’ve made peace with my body aching from the exercise that soothes the misery the absence of his body, creates.

A- So what do you do for a vanity appointment?

J- Shhh….. don’t worry about it. It’s not important.

A- Gynecologist?

J- Umm, that’s not vanity, that’s necessity.

A- Massage? Hair?

J- That’s next week.

I’m not kidding. My self care movement is more self-soothing than pampering. I’m not spoiling myself, I’m looking for any and everything that might help ease this overwhelming burden.

Insanity is the act of doing the same thing twice and expecting different results. I surpassed insanity a few months ago. I’m a glutton for punishment and I absolutely should not see him. But I do.

I tried yoga last week, and just felt fat and inflexible. Not soothed and with far too much quiet time to obsess over the sexual highlight reel of him and I. Not good. No more yoga, thankyouverymuch.

I tried going to bed early to quiet the urge to text him, only to wake up at 2 in the morning, with a head full of words and paralyzed hands. Constantly tempted to write him into my sheets, with my mother in my head:

M- Manifest what you want. You need to remember who you are. You’re a powerful woman and you need to focus on that and it’ll get easier.

In light of all the starving children, abused animals and current political dumpster fire, it seems awfully shallow to beg the universe for a man.

But….I’ve had some mortifyingly honest moments with him. I have begged and I’m not at all ashamed to admit it, nor do I believe for a second that it won’t happen again.

I sat across from him and his freshly shaved neck, my mouth dry and my panties…. not. Doing my best to not make eye contact while asking about his week. Making small talk and avoiding the crackling awareness between the two of us. Not trusting myself to speak while making a concentrated effort to breathe through my mouth because he smells so good I want to die a little. My train of thought has derailed. I laugh nervously. I don’t know who this lady is, but she’s beyond reach. I don’t trust her to speak.

Looking at him is like staring at the sun because he’s so pretty it hurts. Spending time with him makes me sympathetic to drug addicts. I get it. As bad as the fallout hurts, I keep going back for another fix. He knows it. It’s written all over my face and it’s silently acknowledged. I’m ignoring the fact that he told me he’s talking to someone else because ignorance is so much more blissful than the painful truth.

Just call me Captain Obvious of I-Don’t-Want-To-Think-About-That Island. I’ll be over here sipping my delusional cocktail, ignoring the quickly approaching Tsunami.

Oh and painting myself better… one vanity appointment at a time.




I have a nasty case of writer’s block because I’m so damn sad. Shit is breaking and falling apart around me and I’m essentially holding a paper umbrella to combat hurricane force winds.

I woke up to a dying furnace night before last. The dog kept whining and I was trying my best to sleep when I opened my eyes and smelled burning wax. I sat up and tried to make sense of what I was smelling, when the screeching noise started coming from the failing appliance. The ducting coming out of the furnace were HOT and the blower was clearly failing. I looked out the window to see the most recent spring blizzard was in high gear, and sunk to the floor for a good cry.

I’m so tired. I’m heartbroken and still drowning in desire for a man who doesn’t feel the same. I’m sick of doing all this shit alone, tired of being lonely and GODDAMN sexually frustrated to the point of fury. Once upon a time, this man I adore was a slice of easy. A marvelous distraction from the chaos and struggle. Now his disinterest paints shades of grey over even the sun-shiniest moments and I wish I’d never gone there, because now I’m stuck there all by myself.

I wiped the pointless tears away and set out to start a fire in the fireplace. The last fire I started resulted in a chimney fire and having to call 911, so I’m terrified to say the least. There are 4 feet of snow outside and accumulating by the second. I have no idea where the hatchet is, so kindling is out. The gorgeous tamarack firewood from my mama does not disappoint, and between some dryer lint and a few shards of wood I managed to pry off a few logs, the house stayed warm through the night.

I remind myself, when I’m feeling so low… that many fears are borne of fatigue and loneliness and will feel better with a little sleep and some time with my best friend.

So I did the adult thing and called a repairman instead of investigating how to fix it myself. I am addicted to DIY projects and there’s nothing I won’t try… but the blower is in the center of the furnace and after seeing the youtube video, I decided I’d rather pay to not do that. After 48 hours dealing with wood heat… I am SO excited to hang my hatchet back up and crank the furnace to 80*. I’m taking a personal day to pay bills, catch up on my life at home and bask in the peaceful presence of Miss Fancy.

All while a beautiful man fixes my furnace and sets one bit of my disaster, straight.

Sometimes when it seems that things only keep getting worse, I have to check in with myself and remember the ways I’ve learned how to comfort myself while I dig that smile back out from wherever it’s buried.

I always start with the Desiderata, the bible of my childhood and the gospel that hangs in my house today.

Desiderata – by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

It gets me through days like today and weeks like this one. I hope it helps you too. ♥