Category Archives: work

The solution to cheating… and the first of many internet dates to come…

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Castration!

I’m only half joking, and they’re lucky that impotence is a side effect of castration, otherwise it’d be common practice by now.

As I was picking the little monster Tucker Max from the vet this afternoon, he stopped me to talk to me about the procedure. I assured him I knew what we were in for, etc.

D- Don’t worry though- he’ll be more loyal, more affectionate and sweet without all the bad behaviors. He wont be running off to the neighbors yard, he’ll stay home.

It’s all I can do not to laugh.

D- He’ll be a much better companion after he’s neutered.

and I lose it finally… dissolving into a fit of giggles.

J- And why don’t we do this to men?

He blushes…

D- It renders them… uh… unable.

J- Oh. Yikes.

I looked down at little Tucker and he glared at me.

I drove him home as he looked everywhere but at me. He’s seriously pissed off at me…. and rightfully so.

It poses quite the option…. To castrate him, or not to castrate him….

You can have the perfect husband, who is loyal and loving and wonderful… and never have sex again…

Or you can have a ruthless cheater of a husband who blows your mind…

Maybe just take one off? lol… Lance Armstrong didn’t have any trouble knocking up his girlfriend with his one testicle.

Because we all want that middle of the line guy. He doesn’t have to be perfect, he just has to care about who he is- and be actively participating in being a valuable member of society. Freeloading couch-surfers went out with bead curtains, and not to give my secrets away… but a man can stun me speechless simply by tying his tie in front of me.

Lord. Have. Mercy. Whoa….

So I had a lunch date after work tonight… my first of a dozen internet dates lined up… for your entertainment (and my boredom) .

I had to rush the dog home from the vets office and fly to my date so I’m sure I still smell like a french fry… I contemplate being late and going back for perfume, but figure it’s the first of many strange dates I’ve got planned. I’m getting back to my roots… I’m hand picking the crazies, don’t worry about perfume.

Judge away… lol… it’s fun and I’m in no frame of mind to meet anyone new. This is like speed dating… only longer.

I’m meeting him for a sandwich, and a walk maybe <absolutely not, it’s cold and windy… but I’ll burn that bridge when we get there>.

I get there first <YES!> and sit facing the door, always assuming I’m not going to recognize them… and I always do, even if the pictures I’d been sent were clearly from years earlier. He walks in ten minutes later, and I’m immediately aware who he is. He smiles. Eeek. I’m a teeth girl. A sucker for a pretty smile- and he’s missing a few. Not in the front or anything… but ya know…

At any rate, he’s tall, thin & sporting a short curly sort of Amish/Quaker beard.

Rule #1 of mine… Thou shalt not have facial hair. The highlight of our trip together was watching him shave. Damn… There’s nothing sexier than watching a man with shaving cream on his hands, then his cheeks… sigh. Sparkly blue eyes rimmed in fluffy white shaving cream. It can only be better if he doesn’t stop with his face and shaves his whole head. I kissed him with his face covered with shaving cream, then felt my nose, chin & cheeks tingle after wiping it off. Some of the best memories life has to offer. There simply isn’t an ending bad enough to ruin such sweetness.

My date sits down at the table and smiles at me. Let’s call him Cody.Cody is clearly not 35. Cody is lucky if he’s 45.

C- You don’t look 35…

J- Neither do you.

C- I hear that a lot.

.. … ….. … .. …. …. Incidentally I have nothing to say to that and I’m not being that too nice girl anymore so I’m letting his words hang themselves.

C- Ok… ha ha haaahh hhhaa I’m 42.

J- Oh good… well I’m 27 and my dad would be really mad if I dated anybody 42, sorry.

We sat and ate in silence and then he laughed and said..

C- I’m really 35, he’d be ok with that, right?

J- I’m 35, and I’m really just not interested.

C- That’s cool. It’s nice to hear the truth instead of some sick kid or shit like that.

J- Try being honest. Don’t lie about your age. Don’t lie, period and she wont have to lie back to you.

C- If you don’t lie, nobody will go out with you.

J- If you lie, they’ll only go out with you once.

We’re both right in some ways…. and we’re both wrong in so many ways too.

I’ve dated liars way more than once.

lol…

Way more than the honest guys, if I’m going to be honest as well.

C- So you wanna go out again?

J- No, Cody… I don’t. No offense.

C- Friends?

J- Absolutely. Thanks for dinner-

And I’m out…

Different sort of date and we never even touched on his Christian Youth Ministry that travels the world to cram Jesus down the Native’s throats.

The whole reason I picked him and it was odd enough all by itself that we never even got to the point of unrolling the freak flags.

I’m putting my coat on when he walks out by the door and offers to walk me to my car. Instant bad feeling and I decline <I’ve learned to listen to that instinct, first & foremost.> He sees my tattoo on my foot and compliments me, then asks me to take my shoe off so he can see the whole thing. I slip my foot out of my shoe and he smiles at me.

C- Nice toes.

Creepy. See? Bad feelings don’t lie. He offers to drive me to my car and I decline, knowing he has to go one way away from where I am and I’ll be in and gone before he can follow me. Creepy, right? This is the feeling this guy inspires.

One more for the record books…

Internet dating is nothing short of earning your wings in heaven…

Honestly though? I think I’d rather pay for sex than suffer through all this nonsense.

I have seen it all.

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It’s winter carnival in town this week, and work has been crazy busy. Thank heavens. Friday was blindingly busy. Great people, patient customers, it was fabulous. Working side by side with my favorite coworker, Miss Harley.

Saturday night was a whole new animal. The stupid basketball game had people drinking ice water and tying up tables while people were stacked 4 deep at the front, waiting for a table. Ugh. Mr. Mahalo, Miss Birdie and I are juggling the masses and praying the game ends soon.

My lovely little red has given me another cold and my head is pounding. I’m trying to shake it off, while drinking a billion glasses of water and still feeling foggy. I’m still not sleeping much and I know it’s only making me more susceptible to my favorite little germ carriers germs.

I’m first off, thank heavens, and a 7 top comes in. They offer me the table and I decline. I’m tapping out before I lay down on the floor for a nap or sneeze in someone’s food. I can feel my temperature rise- I need to get the hell out of dodge.

My food is all run, my people are all closing out and the end is in sight. The restaurant is full and everyone is happy. Eating contentedly and enjoying a beer or three. We’re all on top of our game and it’s going well.

At which point a woman stands up in the middle of the restaurant and starts to vomit.

I couldn’t honestly believe what I was seeing for a second- and I stood there in shocked jaw-dropped silence. I looked at Miss Birdie and she had the same horrified look on her face. The lady continued to throw up… making no move to make a run for it or anything. I bolted for the back door, gagging. We all did. Ultimately realizing we’re faced with cleaning it up. All looking at each other in horror.

Oh my WORD bad… and a lot of it. I can’t even go on the floor. I looked down and saw the lady trying to clean up the mess and  walked right back out. Nope. I kn0w my limits and I will not be able to deal with that.<gag>

The people in the surrounding tables are mortified… and asking for to-go boxes. The poor busser is mopping it up. Oh dear God in heaven… it’s bad. We’re comping the dinner for the two closest tables. Oh my it’s bad…

I completely forgot to take a coffee to a lady at one of my tables and she hugged me when I apologized and said she was so sorry for all of us having to clean up the mess.

Holy moly… I have literally seen it all.

For crying out loud though, make a run for it at all costs. Yeesh… the lady just scarred a whole restaurant full of people.

Trivial Bitch

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My job isn’t always a bowl of cherries.

Sometimes it’s worse than a bowl of pits. There are days it’s a big old crap sandwich…. all day or night long.

Tuesday was no exception. Trivia night brings out the determined competitors. Some of whom are nice and kind and understand the dynamic of the evening for everyone involved. Some of them are appreciative and understanding when things take a little longer, or when we completely forget. It’s a crazy busy night and some people are cool.

But most aren’t.

We’ve had to create rules because we were having so many problems with people showing up at three to hold a table until 7 with a soda and a book. Free refills meant we were waiting on the same person for 6 hours and the table was held hostage for an entire shift. Some people brought snacks from home. Some cheated. All of them grumbled about the new rules. They penalized everyone- both the nice people and the not so nice.

Some people tip well, and some don’t tip at all. If they’ve only had a soda for the duration? Even if we add the 18% auto gratuity we’re allowed to add for parties of 6 or larger, it’s only .23 cents. Some people are aware- and many are not. We had three tables this past week leave nothing as a tip. That’s really awful after so many hours of babysitting so many tables.

The biggest problem with trivia, is that we only have so many tables. We could fill twice as many. So we have rules in place now, and the biggest pain in everyone’s ass:

You have to have two people in order to sit at a table before 6 o’clock. Trivia begins at 7. Seems easy enough, right?

No.

I have the enviable job of asking people to move to the bar if they’re sitting at a table alone. Lucky me. Actually… to be honest, I can’t stand people who think the rules don’t apply to them and I don’t mind in the slightest reminding them. The rules are on a huge screen at the front of the restaurant. They’re impossible to miss.

Some people are cool with it. Some aren’t… and this week I found myself thigh deep in rotten attitudes.

The first lady was cool, and moved without a word. The second lady was a bitch.

L2- Are you kidding me? My friend will be here any minute.

J- It’s nothing personal, we have other people in the same position as you already seated at the bar so we’re all in it together. As soon as she gets here you are welcome to take a table.

L2- What a fucking joke, you can’t be serious.

J- I am, I’m sorry- if you’d rather forfeit 15 points, you can- but that’s the rule.

L2- Forget it, this is ridiculous.

She leaves. Awesome. One down… three more to go. Ugh. We deserve hazard pay for working this shift.

The next guy is totally cool, and understands completely. The next guy does not. In fact he refuses to move.

G2- No. That’s gay. She’ll be here any minute.

He gets up and walks over to talk to some guy at the bar, leaving his gloves and hat on the table. Ugh. It’s truly a headache dealing with the trivia Nazis sometimes. I want to wear a bright pink shirt that has giant black sparkly letters spelling out “GET A LIFE” and see how many of them it offends.

I walk over and tell him he’s welcome to keep the table and I’ll let my boss know he’s chosen to forfeit the 15 points and he says that’s fine. Awesome.

Four down, one to go… and he looks harmless. A big shiny bald man even, my favorite type. I smile at him and he smiles back.

J- I’m sorry but I’m going to have to have you move to the bar. You need two people to hold a table before six and we have several people at the bar in the same situation as you. You’ll be on the waiting list in order or we’ll get you to a table as soon as another person on your team shows up. Sorry, for the inconvenience.

G3- You’ve got to be fucking kidding me? We called and the girl said it would be fine if we held a table at 5.

J- Sir I’m sorry but that’s been the rule for nearly a year, and it’s nothing personal, it’s simply one of the rules. There are other people sitting at the bar in the same situation as you and I can’t ask them to move and not ask you as well. It’s truly nothing personal, I’m sorry you’re upset.

G3- Get me my bill before I walk out without paying it. I’m leaving. This is asinine. You’re unbelievable.

Yeah since it’s all my fucking idea to ruin his fun night of trivia. I woke up this morning just dying to piss off a stranger. These people amaze me sometimes.

He pays and storms out in a huff. Ugh. Thank heavens the bad apples are rolling out of the barrel on their own… this is actually shaping up to be ok.

The Baby Chicken comes in for dinner, and it’s friendly-cool. Nice. He asks about the boyfriend even, well done BC. I’m encouraging him to branch out from the pink beer he loves best when an angry woman walks up to the bar. Uh oh…

AW- You made my friend leave earlier?

J- Excuse me, what? Who?

AW- Bald man, bigger. You had no right to do that and now there aren’t any tables left.

J- I’m terribly sorry, we didn’t ask him to leave, I let him know he’d have to sit at the bar until someone else in his team joined him or until 6 o’clock, whichever happened first. It’s in the rules.

AW- No it’s not. I called and the girl said it would be fine, and I just checked your website and it’s not on there either! You had no right, and I’m sorry you’re too stupid to understand how out of line you are.

J- Ma’am I’m sorry but you can read it right there on the screen, you have to have two people to hold a table before 6.

AW- I had to go teach a class and I was coming right back!

J- Ma’am other people were waiting on a second person as well, and they were seated at the bar. I’m sorry if you’re upset but we can’t selectively apply the rules. If you’re a teacher then I would think you could understand that the rules have to apply to everyone.

AW- This is unacceptable, and you are just horrible for making him leave. We waited for 45 minutes last week and we had it all planned out this week. You’ve ruined our evening. You keep pointing at those rules on the wall but they’re not on the website and I JUST checked. This is just horrible, I am never coming back here and I am just disgusted.

Annnnnd I snapped.

J- You know what? I make $3.35 an hour and my father died yesterday. I could care less about your trivia table. I’m sorry you’re upset and offended, but the rules still apply to you.

And she continued to argue with me until I just kept repeating myself.

J- I’m sorry ma’am, those are the rules.

Good grief… I hope she doesn’t come back. In fact I pray she doesn’t.

It’s supposed to be fun. It’s a game. It’s free… the prize is insignificant when split 6 ways.

Yet it costs the staff dearly…

Down memory lane…

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He came walking in about a half hour before I got off work. Smiling, blonde and beautiful… in a suit.

………………………………

I admit. I have a weakness. If you can tie your own tie, the chance of you tying me up increases exponentially.

A man in dress shoes… makes me blush.

I grew up in Hippieville… I remember the few times I saw a man in a suit and I’ve always been a fan. Give me a clean cut man with a silky soft beautiful neck above his collar? Dear God…

Who need diamonds at that point…???

Not I…

So Mr. Pin Stripe walked in and sat down, smiling. head tilted slightly back. Sharky… I know it when I see it.

P- I’d like a blonde… or your lightest…

Told ya so.

He leaned across me at nearly 6’5″ to put the aprons in my menus….

I mean….

Yeah…

That’s what it was like.

He leaned over me, his necklace fell an inch above my lips and I was enveloped by his cologne…

I sat back on the table behind me and he leaned in…

Good God and Baby Jesus there is nothing better than a good smelling man. Seriously.

…………………………

I laughed and smacked him in the shoulder.

J- Damn you, my boyfriend is out of town, don’t torture your sweet server. Be nice.

P- I’d love to be nice…. out of town huh? What time are you off work?

Sometimes it’s nice to just sit back, smile… and laugh a little at how easy it can be. I spent years frustrated. I spent years unsatisfied.

and now it’s as easy as ordering off a menu and I don’t want it.

I only want one… and nothing else will do.

I can be charming. I’m a flirt. I’m funny, and I’ll make you want to smile along with me. Trust me. I know this about myself.

I’m the insatiable optimistic sister. Smart enough to know better and old enough to recognize real love. Lethal combo if you ask me…

I went on blind dates with my friends loser single friends. Ugh…. I’ll forever remain on three holiday cookie lists purely due to the aftermath of the blind dates they set me up on. Ugh. If you wouldn’t date him yourself, don’t set your dear girlfriend up with him. Seriously. There’s a reason I’ve never set a friend up with a guy. If he’s cool- then I probably wanted to date him myself and if he’s not then I don’t want either of us to waste our time.

I want all of my darling favorite women to find their “lobster”….

because I found mine….

Crazy Busy

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“I wanna feel it sway… and put some feel good in my soul”

Work was insane. The busiest Wednesday in the history of the place. Crazy… and so fun. Wonderful people everywhere. People going out of their way to thank me for everything and for the great service. One of those days where you’re just…

In the zone. Blissfully happy. Enjoying my job, and looking forward to a day off. Waking up to sunshine. The rain that followed only made me happier because it’s washing the snow away. My goodness prayer is powerful. :)

We all laughed through the day and it all went smoothly. It was perfect, and everyone was wonderful. They were all understanding that we were insanely busy and even making it around tables was a challenge… they were patient, over tipped and thanked us. It was a perfectly busy, record breaking day. Seconds between new tables, inching around high chairs and chairs crammed around a table, transforming a 4-top into a 6 top.

I walked through with three burgers and some damned woman stuck her foot out and tripped me and I still caught them… yeesh…. She felt terrible- poor thing. She was apparently imitating an ice skating move. I was carrying more out when she nearly ran into me again and she grimaced.

L- OMG I’m so sorry, I just wanted to give you this-

and she tucked $5 into my apron.

J- No, really it was an accident, that’s not necessary and nothing happened, really.

L- I insist…. and I’m leaving so you’re safe to carry your orders.

Super nice people- all day long…. something that doesn’t happen very often when it’s busy, and definitely not on record breaking days. It was fantastic, and we all made great money because the people were all happy.

The identical twins who spoke at the same time three or four times, laughed at the same time and ordered the same thing.

The girl with downs syndrome that I couldn’t understand. This is the biggest challenge in serving. I love handicapped people. I used to work with mentally retarded adults and it will forever be my favorite job, ever. At $7 an hour it was a financial liability more than anything. I handed them menus and she said…

W- Can I ask you a question? You have makakikas?

I’m instantly awkward. Cycling through a million words in my head and not finding an answer. I start listing sodas and she shakes her head and her dad starts looking for her ID.

W- Teklika makakikas.

Ding, ding, ding. Margaritas. No, we do not- so she orders a beer. I remember people coming in to my old job and judging the handicapped people I loved so much, who happened to be autistic, etc…

Yeah they shout stuff sometimes…. and they’re too honest, and really grouchy sometimes. But aren’t we all?

She hugged me when I took the ticket, and told me she loved her pink beer, and she hoped I had a good day. I had paid for her beer and wrote a little smiley face on the ticket. I remember how much those little things mean to people who take the time to look around, all the time. She left me a note too when they left, and her parents left me a $15 tip on and $18 ticket. I picked it up to run in through and read her note, written in purple ink.

V- Thanks. You are nice and pretty.

Awww… I miss my old job so much. I wish I could make enough money doing it because it was the most rewarding job I’ve ever had, and I loved going to work every day. 9-5 was mighty nice, and I miss being with my kids every night for dinner. My goodness I took so much for granted for so many years. That’s just how it was.

I’m determined to live in the moment and remember to be humble and thankful…. because when you stop and you slow down and listen to someone with autism- you really hear amazing things.

The sixth table of my day, stayed all day- until I got off, 4 hours later. They were like family at that point, even showing me the panties they’d bought across the street. An amazing family, something I’ve seen again and again all week.

I’m being more optimistic. I’m seeing the good in people and I’m seeing more and more of them. People are thinking about other people more… really. I’ve seen it at work when someone asks to pay for someones lunch or buy them a beer. People are feeling charitable. People are paying it forward. I see it every day. It’s heartening, and admittedly I’m in sugar sweet Pollyanna mode… but still…

People are being really amazing lately. We’ve had a record week and I am so thankful for tomorrow off so I can pay bills before they turn the power and the water off. Holy shit exhausted and back again Friday.

Whoa…

and thankful… but damn. My feet are going to fall off and I need need need to get the hell out of here.

My socks have been wet since 10 this morning. Argh. How’s that for annoying?

My dear Superdad broke his ankle and his leg right before Christmas and I’m reminded to be careful with and take care of my body.

I’m counting the minutes for the next few weeks… while trying to convince myself to even consider wearing a bikini… and failing. Running… dancing… playing… anything to keep my mind at ease.

In a crazy rush to do everything that needs to be done, every day…

and a million miles away… excited & beaming…