Eww… gross.

I recently made a new friend. Introduced by one of my favorite girlfriends, I liked her immediately! She’s a gorgeous mother of 6 of the most well behaved and wonderful children I’ve ever met. She’s my age, just moved here, and offered to watch my little one if I ever needed some help. I was incredibly grateful, especially since I knew my tiny girl would love to play in a house full of kids.

When my sitter canceled at the last minute and my standby sitters were all busy, I asked if they’d be willing to let her play for a few hours. My friend Supermom agreed enthusiastically. She wouldn’t be off work until 45 minutes after I did, but her husband and 5 kids would be happy to help and she’d be there right after. I dropped her off with a bit of hesitation, to be honest. I’m extremely selective about who I leave her with, and I’d only just met them. The kids rushed out to greet her and she didn’t mind me leaving. I knew she was going to have a great time, and they lived next door to my favorite Bearded Man and Beauty Queen.

I got to work and put my phone in the glove box, approving a Facebook friend request from Supermom’s husband, feeling relieved that they were a safe family for my precious girl to be with while I had to work, because I’ve had some less than fantastic sitters. A few people at work are cell phone addicts so they’re taking them from us in order to stop the problem. It’s created a lot of stress for me personally in regards to not being able to check in to the nanny cam in my home and just be immediately accessible in case something comes up. I went in to work feeling at ease for a change, which was fantastic.

I got to the car at 8:40, and checked my phone. Two Facebook messages from the husband. Odd.

1

It made me uneasy. I sent Supermom a message, thanking her and letting her know I was on my way, then flew to get her. Supermom greeted me with a friendly smile as my munchkin happily ate popcorn with her sweet kids in the background. We visited for a minute, I thanked her & left. I buckled my sleepy smiling girl, with two handfuls of popcorn, into her carseat. My phone flashed as I buckled my seatbelt. Another message from the husband.

2

She was rattling off all the fun stuff they’d done and laughing about the kids. She said she wanted to play with them again. I tried to shake off the weird feeling I was having, and attribute it to three years of celibacy going to my head. It’s easy to misread text messages. I began shaking my head at myself for feeling weird. We got home, I tucked her in with toddler babble about splashing and playing, still coming from her. I thanked him.

3

I walked away from my computer and emptied the dishwasher. I came back to texts to my personal number, from him. I hadn’t given him my number so I was confused, but knew immediately who it was. Still trying to quell the unease caused by how I was interpreting his tone. I tried to respond kindly, but there was still just something, making me feel… off.

4

I sent Supermom a message and got a emoticon back. I honestly wondered if maybe they were swingers, getting ready to make the pitch.

5

Phew. Normal dad comment. I’m overreacting. Thank GOD. My baby had a great time and couldn’t wait to go back. I was being ridiculous. I felt like a bit of a jerk for jumping to asshole conclusions.

6

Fuck. First things first, I’m WAY too old to ignore my inner barometer. When it feels wrong, it’s because something is fucking wrong. The hair rose on the back of my neck. My douche bag radar is unparalleled these days. I’m ashamed I forgot that. I was at a loss for words and didn’t respond. I was hoping he’d clarify, respectfully. No such luck.

7

Well if there ever were a gilded sign from God that I am, indeed, right about men… here it is.

8I no habla slutty husband. I walked away from my phone, sat down at my laptop to see if my friend was online so I could call her, and saw his creepy Facebook messages.

9

Huh?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware that my little lady is the cutest and sweetest child ever born, but this crosses a line that I can’t even begin to describe. This is beyond creepy, and I wish my little girl’s incredibly defensive father was a few states closer, because this pervy husband would be gargling teeth. No exaggeration.

I was instantly afraid in my own house, and moved the baby to my bed. I think that’s what makes me the most mad.

We slept in and I woke up, tormented. Supermom is wonderful, and I had to say something to her before I called my babydaddy and her husband had to push his torso around on a skateboard for the rest of his life.

Worse yet… I had to tell my friend who’d introduced us.

Which is when I learned that he’s been texting her too. She’s happily married and pregnant and has been trying to kindly sidestep his propositions in the same way I have.

This guy is a full blown weasel, and when confronted, claims he was blackout drunk and does not remember sending any texts. I hate to use my least favorite word, but….

Aint nobody got time for that.

SO consider this is a good ol’ fashioned spanking…just not like he was hoping I’d be willing to give him.

Dear Mike,

I was going to send you an understanding message asking you if you were maybe blackout drunk. Then I realized something. That’s because I was raised to be polite, pleasant and demure. To accept even the most insincere apologies, because (to quote my mother) “To err is human, to forgive, divine.”

Only I’m a farmer, and I recognize a weasel when I see one.

You sir, prey on women. I’m sure you’ve successfully bagged a few. You’ve talked your way out of it, somehow, but not with me. I am mortally offended, on many levels.

I’m a single mother, and I have no choice but to rely on the kindness of my friends and neighbors to help me find someone safe & trustworthy to watch my precious baby, because work is not optional. Unlike you, who get to be a stay at home father, I have to work. Finding childcare is a burden I never understood, until now. How dare you use my daughter as a pickup line, and do you realize what a pedophile you sound like? How dare you humiliate both your wife and me, and put me in a position where I have to tell her something so awful.

How will you ever begin to apologize?

Oh… that’s right… by continuing to text me, during the day. SOBER.

10

You will never see my child again. Be glad I don’t call the police and report what a creeper you are, just in case. Incidentally, you were home alone with your own baby girl at the time you were having withdrawals for mine. Gross.

I screenshot your sketchy ass messages and sent them to your wife. She admitted you are “weak” and said it was “alcohol related and harmless” and that “it had happened before and you’d moved here for a fresh start”.

You’ve been here a month and you’ve propositioned the pregnant neighbor and your wife’s new friend. Things aren’t looking good for your fresh start. I was going to send you a text telling you what a douchebag I think you are, until I found out that, when confronted, you feigned ignorance and took no responsibility. Then I decided you needed a little public bashing, because a million guys would give a kidney to be as lucky as you.

You’re raising husbands and fathers. They’re growing up to emulate the example you set. They’re going to treat their wives the way they’ve watched you treat their mother. Now you have a baby girl. She’s going to pick a man just like YOU. How’s that sit?

You had no right to disrespect me or cross that line. You ruined a friendship for your poor wife, who already carries & makes excuses for you, and lost a fun friend for your kids. Shame on you.

Dirtbag… you are a jerk and your wife (and children) deserve better.

To the woman I fucking hate, at table 2.

 (I haven’t been a server for two years now, and this is one of the ranty little treasures I found sitting in my drafts folder. This horrible woman is still frequenting businesses that employ my friends. I didn’t publish this when I wrote it, out of respect for my employer and the depressing knowledge that I’d inevitably have to serve her again. Thankfully, I made a career change and will never have to fetch her another beer. Also, I hope she reads it.)

bad

There were two she-beasts, actually, and they were both horrible, but one was especially cunty.

She comes in all the time, and we all dread her. She breezes past the sign that asks our guests to please wait to be seated. She is the definition of resting bitch face. Nothing about her is pleasant, and I would say I was the unlucky lady in rotation tonight, but the bitch sat herself.

In my section.

Neat.

We were on a half hour wait list, and I knew I had two tables waiting next door. My manager let me know she’d told them they were behind two other tables that were already waiting, and it would be 30 minutes before we’d get to them.

I was already getting nasty looks from Snatchzilla. She’s never been happy that I’ve seen, so I’m not as horrified as I’d usually be at the sight of a clearly unhappy face. She’s (unfortunately) been a regular and is like a rolling thundercloud crashing our threshold. She regularly seats herself in my section, so it’s not my first horrible experience.

Sadly enough, she seems to be in the medical field, because she storms past me in scrubs, a lot.

I hear that Snatchzilla used to be a server. Wtf? There’s a code. If you’ve had people snap their fingers, shake their ice or whistle for you… you spend your life devoted to being a kind experience for your fellow servers. You overtip. You understand the wait. You look around the dining room and SEE the 8 billion people.

If you’ve ever tied on the apron while memorizing the specials, you don’t have to buy yourself a clue. If once upon a damn time, you were the one praying you had one table that would be understanding in the bone crushing wait a Friday night can provide, then you damn well better know how to conduct yourself.

She gets up and gets menus with a snotty “I’ll be your server tonight” to her friend. The tone is set. I warn my manager that she’s mad. She tells me she’s already spoken to the women and let them know if they insist on sitting, they will have to wait until the people on the list ahead of them are sat and served.

They still insist on sitting.

I hear Snatchzilla tell a chef that she hasn’t been served in 10 minutes. The manager tells me she’s up for rotation and I can go to her next. She’s instantly a cuntface.

S- It’s about time, we’ve been waiting for 10 minutes

J- Well my manager explained to you when you came in that we were on a 30 minute wait and the two tables ahead of you would have to be served first.

S- She didn’t say anything like that.

J- Well I apologize, but it’s outside of our control when we have other tables waiting.

S-Shhh…Do you think you can get me a beer now?

J- I can’t wait. What’ll it be?

I groaned the whole way back to get her beer, shaking my head at the pain in the ass I was bending over to receive.

Just a little background to set up where I am personally today. My sweet baby girl turned 2 this week and her father was here for three 2 1/2 hour visits this week, for the summer. She misses him, and my heart breaks for her. He left today and her little heart is sad. She didn’t want me to go, and was sad while I was gone. We all have a reason to be a bitch- but if you’re any kind of decent human, you try to add to the world, not shit on it. This horrible troll should fold up her scrubs and grab a shovel. She’s a professional fertilizer.

I let the manager know she’s furious and she takes their drinks out and reiterates what she told them when they sat themselves. Snatchzilla is only spurned on.  The hate is knee deep and I’m determined to do what I can to make sure they want for nothing, while helping the people who’ve waited patiently.

Meanwhile… I’m getting the cold shoulder from Snatchzilla because she can’t understand the concept of a waiting list, or refuses to believe the rules apply to her. I kept her beer full, and the chef took care of her order. She stayed for hours and enjoyed herself.

Then she snuck out after leaving me an asshole note on her pay stub. She wrote “Tip reflects service” and stiffed me. I feel like telling her I could qualify for sainthood for the amount of times I’ve managed to serve her without kicking the chair out from underneath her.

I’m absolutely not perfect, and I fail every day but this was not on me. If you’re the asshole that insists on sitting at a table when there are two tables ahead of you, with a half hour wait? Then you’re a fucking moron if you don’t expect to wait for a half hour.

It’s a verrrrrry small town, I went to school with her brother and we have a lot of mutual friends. It’s been a long time since I hate blogged and I’d already had a long painful day before I had to deal with her ungrateful ass. Please cut me a little slack while I pour some tea.

Yo Natalie, Fuck you.

You march your sour face into my happy place and shit your rain cloud bullshit all over any and everyone in reach. You made a little old lady apologize for your deplorable behavior. Shame on you. The lady gets one night out of the nursing home a month and she had to listen to you bitch and moan about waiting, when she’d waited patiently, for twice as long, only to watch you eat before her.  I am sad for your brother, who was a very dear friend of mine in high school. Poor Mike is every bit as nice as you are rude.

You need a little refresher course on restaurant etiquette.

See the 4′ sign staring you in your miserable face? The one that says “Wait to be seated”? That means you.

Wait list: The list made to manage people who come into a restaurant that has reached the capacity allowed to completely meet their customers expectations.

You: One who refuses to accept that the wait list applies to them. Also, you’re an impatient, thankless, rude, obnoxious, fucking cunt.

Me: Single parent of two beautiful girls, 2 & 15, with a happy heart full of gratitude for a job I do very well, that allows me to pay the bills (hopefully). Farmer. Friend. Server- NOT SERVANT.

You are staring at a spectacular view. They’re all friendly. They fed you first. They’re charming, handsome and attentive. For a salty troll, that’s like three winning lottery tickets in a week. You don’t deserve their kindness, but they’re professional in addition to being adorable. Tip them. That’s all that makes your returned appearance, tolerable.

Sincerely,

Every server in this town that has the miserable, unfortunate job of serving you.

Down memory lane…

He came walking in about a half hour before I got off work. Smiling, blonde and beautiful… in a suit.

………………………………

I admit. I have a weakness. If you can tie your own tie, the chance of you tying me up increases exponentially.

A man in dress shoes… makes me blush.

I grew up in Hippieville… I remember the few times I saw a man in a suit and I’ve always been a fan. Give me a clean cut man with a silky soft beautiful neck above his collar? Dear God…

Who need diamonds at that point…???

Not I…

So Mr. Pin Stripe walked in and sat down, smiling. head tilted slightly back. Sharky… I know it when I see it.

P- I’d like a blonde… or your lightest…

Told ya so.

He leaned across me at nearly 6’5″ to put the aprons in my menus….

I mean….

Yeah…

That’s what it was like.

He leaned over me, his necklace fell an inch above my lips and I was enveloped by his cologne…

I sat back on the table behind me and he leaned in…

Good God and Baby Jesus there is nothing better than a good smelling man. Seriously.

…………………………

I laughed and smacked him in the shoulder.

J- Damn you, my boyfriend is out of town, don’t torture your sweet server. Be nice.

P- I’d love to be nice…. out of town huh? What time are you off work?

Sometimes it’s nice to just sit back, smile… and laugh a little at how easy it can be. I spent years frustrated. I spent years unsatisfied.

and now it’s as easy as ordering off a menu and I don’t want it.

I only want one… and nothing else will do.

I can be charming. I’m a flirt. I’m funny, and I’ll make you want to smile along with me. Trust me. I know this about myself.

I’m the insatiable optimistic sister. Smart enough to know better and old enough to recognize real love. Lethal combo if you ask me…

I went on blind dates with my friends loser single friends. Ugh…. I’ll forever remain on three holiday cookie lists purely due to the aftermath of the blind dates they set me up on. Ugh. If you wouldn’t date him yourself, don’t set your dear girlfriend up with him. Seriously. There’s a reason I’ve never set a friend up with a guy. If he’s cool- then I probably wanted to date him myself and if he’s not then I don’t want either of us to waste our time.

I want all of my darling favorite women to find their “lobster”….

because I found mine….

He’s back!!!

Pouring a million and one beers while pasting a smile on my face, isn’t easy. I’m gloomy… heartbroken even.

I look up… and in a flash of light blue, my favorite man walks back into my (every other) least favorite night at work.

Along with the smile I’d lost.

This man… this perfect example of what I’d order if I could hand design the ideal man.

He’s clean cut, clean shaven… and he smells like heaven. Just standing across from him makes me want to buy stock in Gillette. Every man should be this edible. This man can dress me into submission, ironed collars, neckties… fuck… I could watch him get dressed every day and not get bored.

Or better yet?

Undressed.

He’s dangerously smart, and can turn me on simply by talking to me. He starts dropping big words and my clothes fall off. Oops. His text messages are like personalized porn because his spelling makes me weak in the knees. Punctuated even, gulp.

He’s the very definition of my type, and my very favorite man to kiss.

He’s not well rounded, he’s the real deal. The whole package. Great dad and all.

My two favorite customers have teased me about my Smartypants crush for months… after he went missing in March. Gone. Vanished. Exponentially increasing the suffering of what’s already my least favorite night at work. I gave up looking for him about a month ago… we talk about him every Tuesday and this is no exception.

R- Oooh this is Smartypants night.

J- No… he’s gone. He never came back.

R- He’s crazy, the chemistry is tangible.

J- Hush, you’re killing me. I tried- but thanks- that’s a compliment.

I look up….and the man walks in…. and I’m beaming… and my friends turn… and start laughing.

R- Smartypants is BACK.

His friend immediately teases me, because it must be written all over my face.

A- Well, well, look at that smile. Where’s mine?

J- Sorry, I have a favorite, I can’t lie.

He’s smiley gorgeous…. and losing trivia!

Gasp.

I look at him sideways and he starts laughing. I’m so ridiculously attracted to him it’s embarrassing.

There’s only one Smartypants, and he does NOT lose trivia.

J- Uh oh… I might have to rename you?!?!

He laughs… and ends up winning.

Be still my heart.

IF only they were all Smartypants… but they’re not- and I’m delighted to see him again.

Walking across the street in the balmy warm summer rain after work, thankful for the reminder that the last miserable month isn’t the first thing on my mind anymore.

He may as well have walked in wearing nothing but frosting and carrying lit candles.

Happy Birthday to Me.

Tomato Hoarder

Seriously. My ego has gotten me in more trouble than I can shake a stick at. One of the last arguments with the dirty boat stealing asshole went something like this:

DBSA- What do you think you’re going to do? You’ll never be able to do it without me.

J- Hmm. You don’t think so, huh? Watch me.

Unfortunately we were talking about the garden. I expanded it, tilled all the rows in and remade/reshaped the entire thing. Fuck that guy, not only would I do it bigger, and completely erase anything he’d done in my garden- I’d do it alone.

I really showed him. Ugh. I was a slave to the damn garden all summer and now the fall fun has only just begun… I have thousands of tomatoes yet to ripen. I’m not exaggerating either. Literally thousands. 180 very healthy plants.

It’s a bit epic- to be completely honest…and a bit of an eye opener. I’ll never do it again. It’s just a ridiculous amount of garden…hell… it’s why we call it the Yarden. With a week of hot weather, and Th, Fr & Sat off- I’m going to be a canning slave. Marinara, salsa, pickled beets, more jam, pears, etc….

I’ve learned my lesson. I admit to being a tomato hoarder and I will never do it again.

I hope.

🙂