The End of Lady Nation

My coworker and I were discussing our favorite grown up vices, yesterday. She’s just fallen head over heels in love with someone in the space of a few weeks and is lit up like an early Christmas tree. 

O- I’ve always been attracted to handsome men. Or men with their own money. None of that even matters now. I can’t get enough of him. 

J- Preferences change. The older I get, the more I like an aggressive man. I want him to work hard at the things he’s passionate about, and I want to be one of those things. I take care of a lot and I’m in control of everything. I don’t want to be at a certain point. 

O- Oh I’ve always been picky about that, and if he doesn’t have his own tools, he’s just not a real man. 

J- I hired a real one for the office. You’re going to love him. We can’t talk about sex in front of him. I think he’s hot and I’ll be awkward.

I hired Mr. Mancard and Lord have mercy, the temperature has gone up a dozen degrees in my office and I’m already shaking my head at myself. I took him out to the warehouse on his first day to show him around and help him learn the ropes.

I’ve always admitted to having a weakness for good cologne and my new warehouse manager smells amazing. I’m trying to focus and collect my scattered, distracted thoughts. I dropped a box that needed to be opened and walked away from the masculine fog that hangs around him. Yikers. What was I thinking, stocking my little pond with a shark? I grabbed the box cutter out of the cart and turned around, to see him cutting the box open.

With. His Own. Knife. 

I’ll take “Things I didn’t know would light my panties on fire” for $1000, Alex. 

We carried everything in to the office and I had to tell them about the knife. Collective swooning commences and my coworker clutches her chest.

O- and he smells SO good. 

Oh how the mighty have fallen. 

What have I done? I’ve got Sally Sexpot to my left, who’s high on new love and consistent, frenzied sex. To my right, I have Mancard. The quintessential perfect single man. I never thought about him wearing cologne because he was married to my best friend and I didn’t smell him. They’re divorced and I sure can now. 

I might have to start wearing nose plugs along with my headphones. I’ve obliterated Lady Nation by hiring a lovely hunk of a real man. I looked around the table and realized we’re all wearing makeup and nobody is in pajamas. Fuck, see what happens? One hot guy and the whole world changes.

He’s wonderfully helpful, talented at the job we hired him for and lovely to look at.  Luckily, I have a head cold so I can’t smell him… because until you’ve seen a hot guy sew? You don’t even know what hot is. I thought dishes and laundry were unbeatable, but I was dead wrong. 


It’s been a really good year for me. In the grand scheme of things, this is that year that life changed. I have a job I love, working with dear friends. I’m appreciated, rewarded and given as much freedom as I need to make motherhood a priority over employment. ♥

My garden was a complete failure this year, for the first time in my life. Nothing did well, with the exception of the water company. The small amount of tomatoes ended up costing about $90 a pound and are currently going bad because I’m too busy to deal with them. I still enjoyed growing them. It was still beautiful and taught me that it’s time for a break. I’m recognizing that working full time and growing an acre of vegetables is JUST. NOT. POSSIBLE. It’s ok to admit defeat and buy veggies from a farmer friend at the market. I’m grateful I have so many friends who will keep the torch burning while I simplify.  ♥

Little Red moved into her own place and became my very best friend in the whole world. Nobody makes me laugh harder, nobody has advice nearly as fierce as hers, and not a soul on the planet inspires me more than my fiery girl. Watching her run a household is fantastic, and hearing regular thanks for all the years of dinners I cooked, sure doesn’t suck. I’m so grateful for her. ♥

The Dumpling is too little to understand how much she completes our family. She’s funny and independent, but still wanders out regularly for a hug. She’s our loving little hurricane. As she gets older, she asks more questions about her big brother and cries big tears about missing him. I know they’ll be close someday because she loves him so much, sight unseen. She is horrified by litter, will yell at anyone if she sees their animal left in the car (regardless of their age) and asks me to buckle her baby doll in with a seatbelt when we take her in the car. She’s extra, and we are so grateful she’s ours. ♥

My sister the Unicorn has become my long distance drinking partner and greatest confidant. She’s the keeper of the secrets. If anything ever happens to me, ask the Unicorn. She knows the fine print and encourages the hell out of me. My dad wasn’t present, but he sure gave me the world in my siblings. There aren’t words to express how lost I’d be without her and how grateful I am that she’s only a call away. ♥

This may shock a few of you. I’ve grown to be really great friends with my Baby Daddy this year. Things ended horribly in a fog of postpartum depression and heartache and things have been pleasant for the last few years, but it’s never been legitimately better since things ended. I made a decision this year that I was going to return any kindness he gave me, twofold. It only made him nicer and kinder and things more wonderful for everyone involved. I called to sing Happy Birthday to him last week and we had a great chat. He’s the greatest guy and I’m really grateful that he’s her Daddy and my friend. We’ve come a long way and I’m proud of us. ♥

I have a best friend like none other. She can say the stuff to me that I need to hear. Miss Fancy is as key to my sanity as wine. I recently tried to sugarcoat a questionable decision I’d made and she stopped me dead in my tracks before I wasted any time trying to justify it as anything other than what it was. I can’t fool her and she gives me it to me straight and still loves me when I cry over it anyway. I could never have raised the Dumpling alone without her help and guidance and I am so grateful that she loves me as much as I love her. Everyone needs a best & she’s mine. ♥

I’m oddly grateful to Mr. Perfection, too. I’d contemplated a dozen cats and a butch haircut and then he was here in all his deliciousness. Bless his cheatin’ heart, he reminded me how much I really love sex and absolutely did NOT want to be a cat lady. I could have done without the broken heart, but hey, c’est la vie. We’re good. ♥

Without Perfection, I never would have rolled those dice with Incredicock and good Lord that would be a tragedy. I’m really grateful for the carnal knowledge I possess as a result of letting myself off the hook for a change. I’m a people pleaser and I hold myself to a few cardinal rules that I don’t break. I broke them all this time and whaddyaknow… it was worth it. No harm sex without strings or drama. No constant barrage of text messages or phone calls. Sexual warfare and a whole new list of favorites. He does exist and I’m damn grateful for the pleasure(s) and the rich fantasy life he inspires both in and out of his presence. Wanting him is enough inspiration to wake me up before the sun and you know it works a little too well when you can knock out an orgasm just saying his name. It’s hot. I’m very grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving, loves ♥ I hope you are surrounded by all the people & things you love most, today and always.