Category Archives: work

Hope springs eternal… again.

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On a day that started too early, too sadly and in full on pity party mode… I took a shower, took my naughty mongrels on a walk and filled a mason jar with ice water and indulged my favorite habit…

Gardening ♥

A pair of bikini bottoms, a towel and my quart jar of water…. combined with 100* of heaven in the greenhouse- and my smile reappeared.

I have one thing that I don’t ever give away… my faith. I know that good things will happen. I know that I am surrounded by amazing friends who truly love me and a family so close we begin and end our conversations with “I love you”.

I have it all- including the freedom to choose what I want to do with my life, with my body and with my future.

I had so many lovely kind messages from friends near and far- little love notes via email or text- all day. I love all of you- and if I don’t express it often enough or so that you feel it, let me take a little moment to just say…

I love you, I appreciate you, and I must be doing something right to hear those two phrases from so many fantastic people when I need to hear them most.

I caught a few rays of sunshine. I fell in love with my baby tomato plants which have all sprouted in the last few days and are a lovely verdant variety of potential deliciousness. I stopped for an hour and coated my feet in cocoa butter. I painted my nails. I did my very best to find the goodness in a day that could have crushed me.

Warm and snuggly, smelling like chocolate and coconut suntan lotion- nothing can feel too horribly overwhelming. I sat down to work on my resume and realized it is missing in action…. and instead of putting off the inevitable, I took a shower, blew my platinum self dry and put my face on. Dressed, painted and nervous- I drove out to fill out an application at my job of choice… shaking in my shoes a little and doing my best to fake the confidence my friends think I have…. and I filled out the application and realized I know a helluva lot. I’m a farming, graphic designing super-server… I’ve got this. If not at my first choice? Somewhere else.

The woman at the restaurant was wonderful and kind. It was like a Bandaid on my nerves- and I left with a permanent smile, knowing at the very least that everything will work out just as it’s meant to, and relishing the thought of being appreciated at work. What a novel idea?

It was raining lightly as I crossed the bridge into the beautiful small town I live in, and the first thing I saw crossing our beautiful lake Pend Oreille? A rainbow.

Then another one.

I had just enough time to stop and get ice cream for my little princess, only to get a call letting me know that they’d closed work for the night due to some flooring issues and I would NOT have to work my least favorite shift on my poor damaged toe.

Did I say this was a bad day? This day is turning out to be downright fucking amazing. An impromptu night off with little red, ice cream in the cup-holder and hours ahead to lazily make dinner and take a bike ride if the weather cooperates.

Caprese salad and beef satay for dinner, because moms that get the night off ACTUALLY get to cook for fun. Coffee Haagen Daaz, the new Footloose movie and nothing but hope coursing through my veins on a day that started so dimly.

God bless Redbox, God bless a surprise night off…

and God bless the people in my life that remind me not to give up and feel hopeless.

Little Red smiled at me and giggled.

R- We should buy some scratch tickets, crank the music and dance. We should eat dinner in the greenhouse, take a bike ride and paint our nails.

And that’s exactly what we did.

Icing on the cake of a day that started out badly and ended with the two of us in PJ’s, planting basil, nasturtiums and bells of Ireland…

Singing at the top of our lungs and dancing our hearts out… ♥

Fear and Loathing

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I did the unthinkable yesterday and am suffering the consequences with every step.

Flip flops + my bike = just as bad an idea as I’ve always told my kids. I turned too sharply, wrecked the bike and tore the end of my toe off. Lovely… and all just a few hours before work. Nobody could cover so I slipped on my Crocs and went.

The five minute drive to work was a tear stained adventure and I had to regain my composure before going in. I don’t take pain meds because they make my stomach upset, but as the hours ticked by, my tolerance for the screaming pain in my foot was having the same effect. I started shaking after 2 hours of being on it, and within another half hour of the shaking, I started to get sick. Water was coming back up and I was ready to bawl my eyes out. Each trip to the bathroom to pray for mercy and lose the last few sips I’d tried to choke down, was rendering me useless.

It was slow, but after a bad weekend at work I don’t want to ask for anything. I pulled it together, finished everything I needed to do, and got the hell out of dodge. I don’t know what I would have done without my dear Mr. Mahalo, who did his best to help me by taking the tables sitting the furthest away. I nearly dissolved at one point and he came over and smiled at me.

M- Do you need a hug?

I cried and shook my head yes and he hugged me and told me it’d be ok. I wish I could believe him. I do not get along with one of my coworkers and I need to find a new job. It’s gotten to the point of no return and I can’t take it anymore. My toe is just a great big manifestation of how miserable I’ve been lately. God had to go and dent me a little to wake me up and make me face the facts. Some situations aren’t healthy- and sometimes you have to do what scares the shit out of you in order to set your life right.

I don’t like being surrounded by alcohol and plenty of motivation to drink it. I don’t like that this job makes it damn near impossible to quit smoking. I’m well aware it’s within my control to eliminate these things from my life and of the excuses I could muster up to justify it being too difficult.

Plain and simple, it just has to stop. I just have to have a little faith in myself, my abilities, and the other opportunities in my life that better reflect where I am, where I’m going, and who I want to be in the long run.

I need to take care of myself. My feet hurt so badly I can hardly walk on them. Cracked bleeding heels that manage to heal a little after a day off, only to be right back where I was a day later. Crying on the way to work after seeing my daughter for ten minutes on her first day back with me.

I’m one serious buzz kill these days, and it’s high time I pulled myself up, dusted myself off, and made some changes in my life that will make it better, not worse.

Sleep eludes me when I have a mind and a heart so full of frustration and fear. I hear my mother’s voice in my ears telling me that “Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness” … isn’t that the truth. I’m exhausted and I’m lonely- two things exacerbated by the fact that I know I have some major changes to make.

Change and I don’t get along very well… but anything beats knowing clearly that what I’m doing, isn’t working.

It’s high time to have the courage to change the things I can… so I’m working on my resume, wrapping my feet in multiple layers of Neosporin and ace bandages, enjoying a mason jar of creamy chocolate milk… and cracking open “Eat, Pray, Love” for the second time. Running is out of the question for a while, but the 9 pounds I’ve lost since I started again already gives me hope.

In clearing the cobwebs from my life, it’s necessary to kill a few spiders so that I can rest easily. My life is too full and too demanding to let go of a single minute of much needed rest- and when something is bothering me as much as this? It’s time to break out the Raid.

It’s time for a few big changes. It’s time to save my own soul. It’s time to be a hero in my own life, again.

But first?

It’s time to be happy.

My Everyday Fairytale

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For as much as I bitch and whine… I have a beautiful life.

Anything can be better, but when faced with the reality of my day to day existence… I smile.

I miss my son like I’d miss air if I were drowning. I’ve learned to compartmentalize it because there’s simply nothing else I can do. I miss him, I love him, and I respect his teenagehood. I hated my mother when I was his age. I love her now. That’s all I’ve got to say about that.

It’s my day off today, and I woke up late from a divinely delicious dream. I woke up smiling, which I do 90% of the time. Either at my darling girl or at the day facing me. I love my job, I love my coworkers and my tomatoes started to sprout yesterday.

I woke up to a call from my darling Miss Harley which turned into a stomach-aching giggle-fest. Laughing over boys and how silly they are. Laughing at ourselves while we’re at it.

I decided to make myself a latte and sit in the greenhouse with the stack of pages I’ve written so far, and realizing for the first time that it’s not hard to read about my trip to Puerto Rico anymore. I was batshit crazy in love with him, and it was delightful. I don’t regret it or begrudge myself the guilty pleasure.

It was bubblegum ice cream delicious. I’m at my best when I’m in love. You can’t help but have a good day around me when I’m infatuated- it’s a contact high, to put it mildly. I bake cupcakes, I sew cool shit, I knit a blue streak… I garden. I am happiest when I’m in super girlfriend mode. It’s ridiculously codependent, but it’s true.

I’ve kicked my bad habit, sigh… I’ve waved goodbye to Flintstone and I haven’t really checked my internet dating email since one of my best friend’s ex-husbands emailed me to proposition me. I feel a little dirty making fun of someone for my own entertainment. Even if it is incredibly easy. … …. and fun. Chances are good I’m going to do it again. Purely to avoid fully embracing my role as the cat lady in the neighborhood.

I rolled over to a love note from my little red… with a Reese’s peanut butter cup. My favorite…. and how can any day be anything less than perfect when you start it with peanut butter and chocolate. Seriously.

It’s sunny and bright and I have broccoli to plant and a whole day to get a tan. I throw my bathrobe over the speaker and get to planting… in black panties and garden gloves. Welcome to the beauty of single womanhood. I can plant to my favorite music, in my panties with a mimosa and my shiny purple nitrile gloves the Easter Bunny brought me. Life is beautiful.

Randomly deciding to take thai food to school and have lunch with my daughter- a treat for myself and her… and we both are addicted to the red curry. Giggling with her and her friends over the boys being so weird <and resisting the urge to tell them nothing changes in 20 years… this day is perfect with a side of laughter. One of her friends asks me if I’m her sister, lol… we laughed all the way down the hall and I kissed her cute face on a day I ordinarily wouldn’t see her. AMEN.

Oh and just when things are going swimmingly…

A bad habit sighting… and regardless of the horrible way he treats me… I swallow hard when I’m not expecting to see him. They should make a patch to shake a bad man habit… Trans-dermal crack? I don’t know… I hate being betrayed by my body, and that’s what he inspires. I hate it. I’m craving him, I hate that I have to admit it, but it’s true. Is it hot in here or is it just me?

I bolted, drove home and changed into garden gear. Facing the music in the overgrown garden that is the penance I so deserve after abandoning it last summer…well… SUCKS. I’m covering it with landscape cloth to burn off the weeds before I plant. My asparagus is coming up :)

The worms are 15″ long at least and things are looking like a beautiful year for a beautiful garden. I’m really truly centered and happy in my giant ridiculously overwhelmingly massive garden. It’s round. It’s beautiful. It’s me. Spending my off time with my feet in the dirt makes me a million times happier than spending them in a bar or on a date.

I poured myself a cocktail, took the price tag off my new wheelbarrow that my mama gave me as an Easter basket… and went out to face the music. Oy…

But… even the worst challenge in the garden beats the worst date. It beats Thomas. It makes me feel better, carves my body into summer hot and makes me smile to my toes.

I have fingerling potatoes planted… Rose Finn Apple and Russian Banana… with more on the way. I planted my French shallots.

I broke in my new garden gloves and broke out of my winter funk. I’m happy. Really, really happy.

I’ve been through hell, and I’ve proven that I should not be the one to choose who I’ll date- so it’s up to my friends from now on. I’m not picking again. I have horrible judgment and horrible taste. I’d rather take a year long sabbatical from men entirely, if given the option.

My seeds are sprouting. My garden is on it’s way. I found 2 newts in the cardboard pile today. I’m so delighted with the simple details that surround me that I don’t feel lonely. I watched a dozen stupid movies this week and slept like a baby. I made the perfect mustache cake. I was a mom hero for the birthday party. My darling MSOK made us all look like a million dollars in big hair, which I’ve found I love.

Life is good… and even without a Prince? It’s a pretty sweet fairytale in and of itself.

Undeterred.

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I spent my day off cleaning the things I never have time to clean. Putting away Easter decorations, bleaching the floors and cracking out on the entire house with a dozen boxes of Magic Erasers.

It’s not like me to plug anything, but if you haven’t tried the Magic Eraser, go get one now… don’t even bother to finish reading this. They’re… magical. My cupboards are sparkling. My floors are so clean the sun shining through crystal clear windows is blinding me.

I’m on a domestic high… and baking too. I’m happy.

Regardless of the disastrous state of my love life, I love every single second of the day. I love my job, and my coworkers are like an extended family. I’ve never had friends as close as the many I have in my life right now, and I’ve been planting heirloom tomatoes for 2 days. My inner Mormon girl is beaming.

By some stroke of pure luck, I have the next 3 days off. I’ll have time to play in the garden. I’ll have time to ride bikes and eat ice cream cones with my little red. I’ll finally have a little time… and in a clean house?

Nothing makes me happier or more at peace. I like all my ducks in a row. I like having a handle on my life. I feel better and am sleeping at night for the first time in months. I’m clear headed and focused and finally disappointed in myself for selling myself so short.

So I’m planting for peace…

The list of tomatoes grew as I planted… because some just can’t be left behind.

I have the following this year:

  • Tomatillos
  • Speckled Striped Roma
  • Aunt Ruby’s German Green
  • Pruden’s Purple
  • Black Krim
  • Blondkopfchen
  • Mexico Midget
  • Brandywine
  • Amish Orange Roma

and entirely too many planted… yet again. I step foot into the greenhouse, turn on some music and pour myself a cup of sun tea… and I lose track of how many tomato plants are enough. I cant only plant 10… they have to be in even numbers because I’m type A like that. I have broccoli, basil, fennel and dill to plant today… with endless garden cleanup tomorrow. I’m excited again about it being as beautiful as it was the year before last. I lose myself when my garden is a mess. I can at least control the plants in my life, if nothing else.

I’m reinforcing my garden fence, chick-style. I can’t rebuild it, nor do I want to- but I’ll be damned if those deer are going to eat it again this year. My new neighbors are going to have a stroke when they see the ghetto-tastic structure I have in mind… but it’s going to work, and eventually it will be really beautiful. It’s just going to look a little crazy…. I’ll post pictures when I get it done.

I have an acre to weed, 30 packs of seeds and a zillion onions, shallots and potatoes to plant. I have a project… along with oiling windowsils, washing the greenhouse roof and painting the kitchen & hallway. I have something to focus on and it reminds me how much time I’ve been wasting trying to make a douche bag into delightful.

When you start with a hoarder you end with a hoarder… that’s all there is to it. If he’s married when you meet him? He’s going to be married when you part ways with him as well. Leopards do not change their spots- and if you question his character or his motives from the beginning, for God’s sake take a lesson from my suffering and run like hell.

There are nice guys out there… but none of us meet them because we’re too busy wasting time with men who disregard us and darken our spirit.

If he’s not worth dating, he’s certainly not worth sacrificing your smile over. So he’s hot… there are lots of hot guys. So he’s smart… not if he’s acting like an asshole and treating a woman disrespectfully- that’s not a smart guy. So he’s amazing in bed… well… that sucks to give up, but honestly- lots of men are and if you are really honest with yourself… he’s probably not all that hot in the sack- you’re probably just looking at him with rose-colored lenses.

Chances are good when you’ve stepped back, or made a list… or had amazing sex with someone else?

Chances are good you’ll be able to laugh at yourself for being heartsick over someone so unworthy.

Then it’s just embarrassing, or funny… or something to chastise yourself about as you take your lovely self for a walk… or a bike ride… or to the greenhouse to plant tomatoes.

Happiness is everywhere around you, and only a small percentage of it is spent romantically. If I find the happiness in my own personal life and in within my own daily details, then I don’t have room or desire to waste it with someone who doesn’t want to be just as happy as I am.

Happiness doesn’t come from lying, cheating or disrespecting someone… it comes from wanting to love your own life.

In falling back in love with my own, I’m eliminating any room for less than what I’ve got going on right now.

The man in my life can either enrich it or fail to exist entirely. I have kids, cats & dogs… family, friends & a full time job.  I have more garden than any woman should be allowed to have… but more than anything?

I have faith in my ability to have what I want, when I want it, and on my own terms.

Independence is a beautiful thing…and it should take a helluva man to talk me out of some of mine.

They do exist…

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Getting the “I’m getting back together with my girlfriend” text last night from Flintstone was less than exciting, let’s leave it at that. If I were clinging to one last shred of hope in the male species… it’s vanished. Totally at breaking point and done, done, done. Disgusted… disappointed and completely offended. Men really do suck. I can list a multitude of reasons to not so much as consider dating again.

In fact… I think I’ll take my daughter on Thursday for a new baby kitten. It’s time to get this cat lady thing going.

I bought soil and more seeds, and started planting flats in the greenhouse… I took a carload of crap to the thrift store. I went for a run, and threw out the wine. Time to refocus and get the shit done that really matters in my life. Dating is only making me miserable- and if that isn’t bad enough… my taste in men is simply deplorable. I need a chaperone or an approval committee, clearly.

I have 8 varieties of tomatoes this year. Fingerling potato seed, shallots and onions ready to plant. I missed my garden last year and I’m happiest with my feet in the dirt :) It keeps me sane and it keeps me out of the line of sight of men who are clearly only out for themselves. My picker is broken- I am not picking again. Done.

I’ve been dreading work lately because I have so much I want to do outside. I have baking I want to do with my daughter and she hates when I’m gone. I hate leaving her. It’s just how it has to be. She’s going to garden with me this year, and we’re going to cut WAY back on the craziness we’ve been doing. We’re going to enjoy it, not be burdened by it.

I do love my Wednesday shift though, and today was no exception. We had nice people all day, it was mellow and slow so we got caught up on everything else, it was just a simple quiet, perfect sort of day. My favorite customer comes in every day around 3 pm, just near the end of my day shifts, and he’s just cool. He’s articulate and well read. He reads interesting books and always shares them with me. He wears a ring like the one I have of my grandfather’s and talks about how much he adores his wife. He’s been there with me through Puerto Rico and even my Easter date. He always wants to know and we joked today about my next boyfriend being a girlfriend.

If only I liked women. If only.

I was walking away and he said he wanted to tell me something… and started to talk about his son, who is asking his girlfriend to the prom.

FC- You know you can’t just come out and ask anymore, you have to do something special to ask. So I came home yesterday and he asked me if I’d come with him to smash pennies on the railroad tracks. So we got a flash light and about 3 dozen pennies and went out looking for the railroad tracks. We parked, set the pennies on the track, and waited. The first train came by, and we’d put the pennies on the wrong tracks…. ya know- those trains don’t come by that often, we were out there for a while. The next train that came by hit them and we collected them up and went home. It was cool though, I’d never done that before and it really presses them.

I’m so touched I’m ready to hug him.

J- He asked you to go help him with the pennies? Awww. That’s so cool. You’re a really cool dad.

FC- I am a really good dad. He’s a great son and it was fun. He’s going to make a sign out of them to ask her to the prom. Cool huh.

Every time I get to the point of throwing in the towel, a good example sits down in front of me and orders a beer. I see it every day. I see craziness and lack of manners just as much… but when I see a good example and I hear that they live their life happily and benefiting the people they love? I know it exists again. I have reason to believe I deserve it too. Though I haven’t experienced it first hand- I do know it does happen. I have happily married sisters, cousins, aunts & friends.

I could name a dozen regular customers who are amazing & devoted husbands. They do exist. They talk openly about how much they love their wives. They tease me mercilessly about my horrible taste in men… but best of all, they set a good example for what it is I should expect.

They really do exist.

They’re just already married, lol….