Straight lines, please.

I dated a guy who was bi-curious once. I tried to be as supportive as I could be. Literally.

He bought me a strap on… oh boy… WTF kind of thank you note do you write for that one?

Dear Boyfriend, never in my 31 years has anyone bought that for me before. Thank you- I was completely surprised. Here’s to the Fifth of Grey Goose that will get you what you’re hoping for.Cheers. xo J

I admit I stepped up to the plate and walked away from the experience with this…

  • Men have it way harder than we do. Trust me. It fucking sucks to be the guy. Not only did my ass, thighs and back hurt the next day, my neck was out and I was supremely annoyed and completely put out. Ugh. Ugh. Argh. Not only did I never look at him the same way again- I hated him a little for putting me in such an uncomfortable situation. I suppose if you have a dick it’s a little different. The electric blue Feeldoe was not ever what I wanted for my birthday. Incidentally it was the first thing he packed when he moved.
  • You have to be really clear about your limits. If you try to run with it… take one for the team, so to speak… you’ll find yourself where I did… with two men.. interested in each other… freaking the fuck out and running for the nearest exit. NOT GOOD. NOT FUN. Trust me. DO NOT PRETEND TO BE OK WITH IT. Embrace your intolerance in this instance. Please. Because it’s truly horrifying when you find yourself in that moment.
  • Missionary sex is highly underrated. It’s my favorite in fact… and you cannot have that in this instance. Well maybe… but I don’t think I’d ever be attracted to a man again if his ankles had been around my neck. Sorry. Double standard maybe, but sheesh, can you blame me? Ackkkkk I’m way too visual.
  • If you cross a line you aren’t comfortable with – you may never like him again. This is ultimately what happened in our instance. In true form, I tried to be supportive, tried to be accepting and loving and sweet- and was fucking blindsided by how utterly horrified I was to have the man I wanted so much to be aggressive and sexy… want me to take a masculine role (or fuck him, as my sister loves to say) I never looked at him the same way ever again.
  • I love masculine men who have no sexual ambiguity. I want him to know he only wants me. Otherwise I’m not interested… I don’t mind kissing women- because it’s just too good- but they’re of no use to me beyond that- sorry. Love beautiful girls- but I’m completely hetero. If I have to worry about my man looking at girls AND boys? I’m not happy. I’m not faithful- I’m on a mission to replace your ambiguous ass.

Thank heavens for the blatantly straight men of the world who approach me. I adore you- one and all…. and no offense to your ambiguous brethren- I just want a man who can’t sleep at night thinking about me. I’ve earned one. 🙂

Talk to me…

Confession… I’m a pushover for a filthy mouth. With the exception of that whole “who’s your daddy” bullshit. My daddy’s name is Greg… and he lives in Utah- and I don’t want to think about him when I’m having sex. Ever. Ew.

I realized this weakness from my first multiple orgasm boyfriend.  The average was 3 and the first time it happened because he started talking to me. Who knew it was that easy? He’d start talking  and I’d lose my mind. Poor guy. We still joke about it.

It’s in the heat of the moment…

J- …Talk to me.

I really don’t care what he says. although there are a few guidelines.  If you’ve ever heard a crazy talker just rambling on and on, you know how annoying that is. Talk TO me… don’t talk AT me.  Don’t yell at me, either- this is one of those times that you have to be nice Aggressive= good, Angry= bad. Don’t ask me the same question over and over and over and over again. Change it up. Seriously.

G-Do you like that?

J- Yes.

G- Do you like that?

J- Um, I said YES.

G- Do you like that?

J- Hm. I thought we covered that? Nevermind… shhhhh.

I also don’t want to hear about what a whore I am, ever, in that moment. That ‘s just too awkward… um… no, please don’t insult me. It’s a bit of a show stopper. Oooh and please… approach this endeavor as a man- not some giggly weird boy either- the ultimate turn-off. Not the time to be silly. Eww.

It’s really pretty easy, and I’ve only met one man who could not find words…. which was also awkward, lol 🙂

J- Talk to me…

F- What do you want me to say?

J-… nevermind.

Come on now- if you’ve gotten this far, you’ve got to be able to think of SOMETHING? Tell me what you like, what you want, and how you feel. Talk to me. Think of it as future sex insurance.

There are bonus points for certain things.

  • Originality… say something I’ve never heard before and enjoy the show.
  • Foreign Language… who cares which… hell make one up if you want. If I’m convinced, what does it matter?
  • Personalized… say my name- I dare you.

After all, if you’re good… you’re unforgettable- and if you’re really, really good?

You’re my next boyfriend.