30 Days of Truth, Day 4

30 Days of Truth-Day 04 – Something you have to forgive someone for.

Yikes… this may be more than anyone wants to read. WTF was I thinking in agreeing to all this self introspection for the world to see? At any rate. I promised. I’m painfully honest… and I believe that any time you share your own story, you have the opportunity to help someone else share theirs.

I’m a rape survivor. I was 15, and he was a friend of the family. Close friend actually. I didn’t tell my mom for a while because I knew how devastated she’d be on so many different levels. She’d sent me to New York for a week to stay with Jeff. Thinking he was going to show me the big city. I know she didn’t know what she was sending me into- I know she still feels horrible.

When I got back from New York, I fought and fought with her about every single thing, and ended up getting really sick. When I finally told her I think she probably thought I was losing my mind. I may have been. It was so much to tell and so much easier if I didn’t. Telling made it real…and it opened cans of worms I didn’t want to open.

I had to be interviewed by a detective… and had to be absolutely precise in every detail, down to the color of my panties. It was awful. I kept trying to skip over things, and my mom was sitting in the room, sobbing. They finally had her leave, which made it a lot easier. I refused the physical exam. Thank God- the day had been bad enough at that point.

I wanted to put it behind me, not talk about it. My mom put me in counseling. Which was more boring than anything I can even describe. Putting it behind me worked a lot better- and I think part of growing up in a family with open communication meant I never thought it was my fault. I always knew it was his failing- even if I was the one who ultimately was affected by it.

I moved on… with a few scars… for sure. I can’t stand facial hair… because he had it. The sensation of facial hair on my neck or my face or my thighs… makes me want to throw up. Which sucks. Damn it. I don’t like having a life long scar from him. It frustrates me….not to mention the men in my life who are slaves to the razor.

Certain Beatles songs too… I can’t hear them…so I just avoid the Beatles entirely.

I’m incredibly forgiving and have never been one to hold a grudge. With the exception of Jeff. He stole my childhood in a lot of ways. I wrote him one ranting angry letter, once, on the urging of my counselor. I don’t know if she mailed it- I never heard from him after he was arrested.

Part of growing up is learning how things can affect you but they don’t have to change you. I can forgive him for almost everything. I’m pretty happy- pretty successful- and love clean shaven men better anyway.I forgive him for violating my trust and the trust of my mother.

But damn him for ruining the Beatles.

30 Days of Truth, Day 3

30 Days of Truth, Day 3- Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This is some sort of blog torture… I have plenty to forgive myself for… and seeing as I’m feeling penitent… I figure a list works better than anything, right?

  • I have to forgive myself for buying my kids those stupid Nintendo DS things. I read constantly as a kid and every time I see my daughter playing on it I realize she would be reading if I hadn’t bought it. Big over-achiever mom thing- and I should forgive myself- she loves it- and we have fun playing with it together too.
  • I have to forgive myself for wasting 7 years on a dirty hippie. I’m a die-hard optimist… and am too accepting. I had picket fences in mind and he was more focused on a guerrilla grow. It was doomed from the beginning- but I should forgive myself for being responsible for those lost years. We are both responsible. Actually no, it’s his fault.
  • I have to forgive myself, yet again, for not planting more carrots & beets. I’m only one person- I can only plant so much… but I kick myself every year for not planting more.
  • I have to forgive myself my complete and total lack of judgment this weekend… because I’ve been put to extreme levels of sexual frustration in the last few months- and hate me for saying it- but it was damn good sex and I feel a million times better. So there. Hate me. Does it really matter at this point?
  • I have to forgive myself for planting more than I could take care of. It’s given me back my body though- and I’m completely addicted to exercise as a result… so if you think about it… the garden has extended my life expectancy and improved my sex life. Three cheers for the gym!

So I have more than a few things… in fact I could keep going but I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t go out and pick the tomatoes that ripened today, because they’d be gone after tonight.

and then I’d have to make a whole new list… 🙂