Day 30: Write about things that you don’t understand.

I don’t understand people that drive 5 miles an hour under the speed limit. Why? I used to have horrible road rage which vanished with the birth of my second child but this is one of those things that drives me a little insane. I understand it’s not necessary to do the limit, but I think we can all agree that most people do. Drive the speed limit, or pull over for faster moving traffic to pass you safely. Don’t even get me started if you’re having a leisurely slow cruise in the passing lane.

I don’t understand these assholes that are still hoarding all the toilet paper. For the love of Jesus, don’t buy toilet paper just because you see there’s a few rolls available. If you have some at home, don’t buy it until you need it, and everything will go back to normal. The baking aisle also really pisses me off. I bake bread every week and now the only flour available is self rising and gluten free, neither of which interest me. I’m almost out of yeast and the doomsday shoppers are stockpiling it, for what?? Apocolypse pizza? Stoppppppppppppp It. Please. I really don’t want to pay $25 for a 4 oz jar on ebay, but that’s what it’s coming down to.

I don’t understand people who don’t like being at home. This quarantine stuff is my jam. I’m getting things cleaned up and put away that have been begging for my attention for years! I’m getting to spend quality time playing with the Dumpling. She’s learning real math in place of that godforsaken common core bullshit they’ve been torturing us with all year (sorry, not sorry) and cursive handwriting. Ms. Oldschool is the teacher now, 🙂 . I’ve taught her to bake dinner rolls, plant okra and lettuce seeds and we’ve put together a few dozen puzzles. We fell asleep on the couch together last night and when I woke up to move her to her bed, I realized how lucky I am to have this unexpected time with her before she turns into a big kid. Being at home is my favorite thing in the world and it looks like we’re going to stretch this thing out for another month so it’s a damn good thing it’s not winter.

Along those lines… I don’t understand people who don’t love to garden. I catch myself saying “Oh you just haven’t met the right vegetable or flower, like some sort of horticultural pusher. I’ve spent some of my saddest days in my garden. Nothing eases immeasurable pain like planting something or harvesting a few carrots. I find so much comfort in the quiet routine of pulling weeds and enjoy my coffee twice as much when I’m in slippers and a bathrobe walking down the straw-covered path between my peas and tomatoes. The sound and humidity of rainbird sprinklers in the hot summer twilight, is one of my favorite things in the world.

Most of all, I don’t understand why everything needs to be understood. Some things are the way they are just because, not to make any sense or serve any purpose. Some things are just there to make the world lovely.

Remember what they say? Ignorance is bliss. ♥

jl


Day 29: If you won the lottery, what would you do with the money?

beamermaid

I’m going to dream big and say I won 500 million dollars. I need that much for this.

  1. I would set my family up for success. College money for anyone who wants to go, trade school, you name it. I would buy them each a house and reliable car. Family, taken care of. My mama has worked hard her whole life and I would love to spoil her.
  2. I would move to Kauai the same day. I would buy a ridiculously expensive piece of property on the ocean and would grow all the things I’ve never been able to grow.  I can’t wait to plant my North Idaho gardenia in the soil of her people. 🙂
  3. I would buy the homes of my enemies and evict them. Yeah… I can be a bit of a cunt when inspired.
  4. I would then purchase the companies that employed those same assholes, and liquidate them.
  5. I’d hire a hundred gardeners and have the vegetable garden of my dreams. I’d grow hundreds of varieties of tomatoes in a rainbow shape of ombre colors blending into each other. A good portion of my winnings would go into the dirt.
  6. I’d travel the world with my children and finish writing all the books that sit collecting dust on my laptop.
  7. Tattoos… so many tattoos…. I’d get on a plane and fly to Florida to have my very favorite tattoo goddess do them for me, too.
  8. I’d go to law school, focus on family law and represent single mothers near and far.
  9. I’d spend a month in all my favorite countries, learning how to prepare every cuisine to perfection. A gnocchi lesson in Italy, dim sum in China, and a rainbow of curries to learn in Thailand. I love food, and I hope I always love learning to cook new things.
  10. I’d adopt that baby from a Chinese orphanage like I always wanted to. I read all the books after the birth of my son, cried for years about the ongoing bias that had women leaving their newborn daughters on the side of the road like trash or tucking them into a basket to be abandoned in a busy market. I love being a mother more than anything and absolutely think I’ll foster or adopt a few more children before I retire into being a Grandma.

What are you going to do, make or buy?


Day 28: What’s in your purse?

Uh… that’s awfully private… but here goes. I can honestly admit that I have no idea. 🙂

  1. My knitting. Always. I’m currently knitting a tiny pink dress for the animal I haven’t knit yet for my new baby niece, Eliza. I’ve worked so much in the last few years that every project I’ve started is half finished and lingering in the basket. I’m determined to use this time to finish some things (hopefully before she starts kindergarten).
  2. My very favorite! Carmex Comfort Care lip balm. I can’t encourage you enough to carmex watermelon oatmeal lip balmtry it. I have one in every purse, in my car, in my desk and in the bathroom. It’s silky smooth perfection and makes your lips feel like heaven.
  3. Condoms, because safe sex isn’t optional, it’s necessary. Sidenote: I’ve never used one from my purse but have saved many a friends’ night by having one to give them.
  4. Hair ties. I recently cut 4″ off my hair, but I live in a ponytail/messy bun.
  5. A hair brush: This is for my darling child who hates to brush her extremely long hair. It’s one of those magical wet hair brushes that doesn’t summon screams right away when I try to make her presentable in a few wild swipes in the midst of school drop off. She hates the purse brush and it roams around the insides of my purse purely to provide motivation for her to remember to brush her hair in the morning.
  6. Hand sanitizer, because everybody is poisonous these days and I’m the token shopper for my family of quarantined loved ones.
  7. Travel wipes, for the Dumpling who forgets to wipe her milk moustache off, and now to wipe the corona virus off everything before we get out of the car.
  8. Anti-anxiety meds: These are new! I wish I’d asked for help a loooooong time ago because I finally feel like I can truly breathe again. I’m stunned that a simple antihistamine could give me so much relief from dissolving into a weepy mess. Vistaril saved me from hyperemesis gravidarum with my second pregnancy and now it’s putting the kibosh on my panic attacks. I’m a card carrying believer. Get some!
  9. A Nerf gun that makes my heart so sad I threw it away after I realized it was in there. It’s a remnant of the worst time in my life and anything that reminds me of him has to go.
  10. My checkbook, debit card, credit card and insurance card. My insurance is good for three more days and I only just used it for the first time. It’s a sad feeling to know that benefits really didn’t benefit me until I lost them, but oh well.
  11. Altoids, wintergreen to be specific. I love them.
  12. Loteria, the human body edition. This is Mexican bingo- the best damn drinking game ever… but my beautiful mother found a new version for us to play, made up of the human body. It’s the coolest and I meant to laminate it before I left work, but forgot. Too bad we’re stuck social distancing, because this game is a blasty blast.
  13. A plastic fork in the wrapper… because motherhood.
  14. An eyelash brush, allergy eye drops and a nail file zipped into a little bag.
  15. Cadbury mini eggs
  16. Wireless headphones and a phone charger.

No wonder my back hurts. I’ve got everything but the kitchen sink.


Day 27: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

gin-recipe-georgian-bay-gimlet

My grandmother was a legendary alcoholic. As in… hit a train, drove the wrong way on the interstate, crossed the divider and drug the fence home… she set the tone for abusing substances without smudging her lipstick.

She’s why I don’t drink vodka. I don’t know what it is, but vodka and I are a deadly combination. I ride bulls in dresses, dance handsome strangers into agreeing to things they know they shouldn’t… you name it. Vodka removes all my filters, inhibitions and sense. Grey Goose is like napalm. Noooooo more goose. Never, ever.

I spent a few years serving and bartending, so I can make most drinks and really enjoy the art of mixology. I love a gin gimlet and make a mean margarita.

But champagne is my real favorite. My Fancy best and I have flooded the problems out with a few hundred bubbles, and this Corona Virus is seriously cramping my coping style, because I’d love to be sitting on the couch with her, mimosa in hand (and by mimosa I mean morning/afternoon champagne, please don’t junk up my prosecco with orange juice.) We toast to happy days and cry into our bubbles on the sad ones. We celebrate and grieve just the same… with a bubbly glass of it’s-going-to-be-ok.

I sat across from her a month ago, hot tears rolling down my cheeks as my whole universe imploded. She’d talked me through a million times of being jerked around by the opportunist I’d let crawl under my skin and take residence. I’ve cried about him for over a year and she’s loved me through going back when I knew I should run the opposite direction. Having cried into too many glasses of delicious bubbles, I apologized for the millionth time as the server walked up with a worried look on her face. Tears fell faster, as sympathy only rubber stamps my heart knowing it’s ok to break. She filled my glass to the top and patted my arm. My bright and beautiful best was grinning at me from across the table. I’d made the decision to leave and that included leaving her. Although months away, my heart broke at the thought that this was one of the last bubbly lunches.

F- Cheers! This is GOOD!!! It’s almost over!

J- I hate him so much.

F- That’s good too. I’ll drink to that.

Alcohol has always been celebratory until I got my soul ripped out through my heart. I learned what it meant to numb those feelings and ended up with a fat ass and a hangover. Medicating depression with a depressant is about as masochistic as you can get, and I’ve learned a lot about myself and my relationship with alcohol in the past 2 years. I reach for a cup of tea and my knitting these days, where I was drinking instead of fostering hobbies that have always soothed me.

One bad man can make your social drinking turn serious. I gave up vodka… then gin… then wine… and settled in to face all those awful feelings, sober.

It’s really the only way to deal with the worst shit.

Seeing him walk in hung over most mornings, becoming accustomed to the endless parade of energy drinks and Powerade that accompanied him… I saw exactly what I didn’t want to become, in the man I wanted so much to love. It was confusing, and it took me a long time to see that I was only wasting my time, compromising my health and ending up with wrinkles and bleeding ulcers as a result.

Alcohol had never been a pacifier. I had to change how I drink, how I feel about drinking, and check in with myself about why I was pouring one. If there’s one silver lining to enduring all that bullshit with him, it’s that.

Drugs have never been a thing for me. I did cocaine once and hated it. I ended up at home alone at 3 am… running on my damn elliptical machine until I had to get ready for work. Worst. Day. Ever. I seriously thought I was going to die by the time the dinner rush was done at the restaurant I was working in. Never again.

Pills make me puke, the scary stuff doesn’t tempt me enough to roll those dice and I’m sexual enough without ecstasy.

Marijuana is my jam. I can clean the whole damn house, bake an entire 8 course meal AND sew a dozen easter bunnies. I get shit done when I’m high. I also eat. A lot. I love the light ease of breezing through a long, hard day with a little ganja…. but I’m not trying to be 400 pounds, and I could get there quick with a stoner habit. So it’s a limited love affair that I don’t regularly indulge. I have too much shit to do and although it’s pleasant to have your head in a cloud for a bit… reality doesn’t wait for the fog to clear and I like to be in control of my life at all times.

I’d try mushrooms though. I’ve heard a lot of hilarious stories about them and life is too short not to experiment a little.

Just don’t unpack and live there… nobody likes a strung out junkie.


Day 26: What are your beliefs?

  1. I believe in the goodness of people. Even when I’d distanced myself from all but one of my friends, even when I stopped answering calls or returning messages… my friends refused to go away.
  2. I believe in washing my hands. I’m a little obsessive about it so the fact that this Corona Virus pandemic is teaching everyone to wash their damn hands, is pure bliss for me. I love hand soap and foam, love gardenia scented bars of triple milled goats milk soap… I love being clean and smelling good. Wash, wash, wash.
  3. I believe that Tide washes your clothes better than hippie detergent. Sorry. It’s true. My mother buys the earth safe detergent and uses dryer balls. I love Tide detergent and Snuggle fabric softener. She tried… 🙂
  4. I believe that dirt fixes everything. Sad, worried, stressed, heartbroken… none of those bad times stand a chance when you’re planting shallots. Each one of these little treasures is going to turn into 10 more! shallots
  5. I’m learning to ask for help… because I absolutely believe the strongest thing you can do is admit you need it. I’ve dealt with major depression this year and can’t believe a little antihistamine would stop all my panic attacks. God bless you, Vistaril… I am humbly grateful.
  6. I believe in love, more than anything. The kind of love that sews your favorite childhood toys, the love that holds doors and offers the last of the ice cream to the little person who’d been craving it. Unconditional love is my superpower and I believe it can change anything.
  7. I believe in the magic of plastic surgery and can’t wait to remodel a little more. I’m having a tummy tuck and breast lift this spring and I. Can’t. Wait.
  8. I believe in apologizing when I fuck up. I accept genuine apologies just as easily as I offer them.
  9. I believe that bubbles with your best friend can solve the world’s problems better than anything else on earth.
  10. I believe in the power of thread count, and wish I could give each of you a set of my favorite sheets.
  11. I believe in the magic of intention. My darling Dick Appointment crawled out of the jungle twice in the last week to call me from a satellite phone. He can email me, so I teased him a little until he told me the sound of my laughter made his day. I’m probably not going to see him again, but he sure is making a trip to Africa sound better and better lately…
  12. I believe in dish towels, not paper towels. I don’t understand the mass hysteria for paper towels.. those are a luxury item in my house and an easily eliminated expense.
  13. I believe in the magic of mass on Sunday, even if I reject 2/3 of the beliefs held in the cathedral. I love being Catholic… even if I’m the most atheist version around.
  14. I believe in karma most of all. That karma fairy leaves scars on the most deserving and if I know one thing… it’s that there’s a cold dark hole in hell for the guy who named my puppy after his new girlfriend. I pity him for that. That’s gonna sting. I rehomed the puppy.
  15. I believe in thanking people for everything… even the bad stuff.

believe

Basically, I believe in myself and my ability to change the things that no longer serve me. I believe that bad days only amount to a bad time, not a bad life… and the good days are so common that I know the bad ones don’t count for much.

What do you believe in?