Put it on LOCK.

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My dear Sober One Kenobe has her bases covered. This is the women we need to takes notes from.

She’s got her very own prince, Mr. Man Card- wrapped tightly around her beautiful fingers, and she’s tried her best to help me.

MSOK- Jennifer. Give me your phone. If you want him? You need to ignore him. Don’t respond. Make him wait. Make him think. Play him like he plays you and he’ll be all yours. Jeez, put it on lock already.

Obviously I did not take her advice, lol…

MSOK- I told you and you didn’t listen.

J- I know… sorry.

MSOK- Don’t feel bad, you just got out-stalked. Thank GOD. You need your own Man Card- he loves me and respects my feelings. I can tell him when I feel bad and he ALWAYS listens and he ALWAYS makes an effort to fix what he can.

He does too. He baby-talks to her in front of his friends. He’s absolutely confident in the way he feels about her… and my dear friend can be quite the pain in the ass when she wants to be.

He wouldn’t have it any other way. She gets her sassy self going and he can’t help but smile at her. They’re my favorite couple to hang out with- and one of only two couples I’ve ever met that obviously belong together.

I can’t imagine one without the other- and when he’s gone more than six hours, she misses him. She’s spent the night at my house and he comes to get her the next day, visibly tired- because he can’t sleep without her.

It’s so sweet it makes your teeth hurt, and it’s a really nice reminder of what it’s supposed to be like when you’re with the right person.

He’s supposed to care when you’re pissed off- even if it’s trivial. There are downsides to loving a firecracker laced hurricane… but they don’t come anywhere near the benefits.

She’s supposed to stay up all night taking care of you when you’re sick. She would go to the ends of the earth for him.

They’re like wasabi and soy sauce. Delightful alone- but amazing together.

I had dinner with them the other night after I got my new job. He was cooking, she was in the kitchen. He kisses her when he walks by her. She puts her dinner down to help him do dishes so that he’s not doing them alone. They’re thoughtful of each other and it’s why it’s so good.

It’s the key- without question. They have a mutual respect that is woven through every fiber of their relationship.

My dear daughter said it best the other day…

R- Aunt Kenobe is so lucky. She found her Mr. Right, and he’s so lucky because he found her. Has he proposed yet? When is that flash mob anyway?

Even the baby knows.

Two of my best friends, who set such a genuine example for the rest of us single folks who keep getting it wrong… it does work sometimes. It does exist and it is absolutely worth holding out for.

It’s a wonderful thing when the right people end up together. ♥ I love them both for the laughs and the example they set by loving each other, outspokenly.

A public display of a successful relationship and just when I thought they only happened in Disney movies.

It might not happen every day, and we all certainly have to kiss a lot of frogs before we find a prince… but every once in a while?

It’s a good old fashioned fairytale, right from the beginning.

The Anti-Farmer

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Who needs internet dating, all you really need is a giant garden bordered on one side by the road.

Boobs, sundress, tattoos… and they drop like flies neatly along my fence line.

I spent 10 hours in the garden yesterday, with the sunburn to show for it; and it was insanity. The women smile and wave, generally saying something nice about my garden or muttering about my mental stability under their breath.

The men stop.

The older retired set compliment me on being a good woman, and we chat for a while about how women don’t grow their own food anymore and how sad that is. He leaves with more compliments, referring to me as Sugar, Honey, or Sweetheart as he walks away. He always tells me he’ll be back when the tomatoes are ripe… and he always is. I have at least a dozen older neighbors that wave dollar bills over the fence every September.

The married men… and these are the worst. The big bad wolves of the neighborhood. I could tell you every single husband that cheats on his wife within a mile of my house. They leer at me. they make comments about my appearance. They start running daily during garden season. They come late afternoon to catch me rinsing off. I know these things because they tell me. Eww. There’s really nothing worse than being hit on by a guy, only to sit next to his wife at PTA meetings. Some men are just snakes…

The boyfriends… and these are the best. They talk about their girlfriend’s garden and ask me for garden advice or just tell me they think the garden is beautiful. They usually make the effort to stand my fence up a little straighter too. They’re the good guys, the helpers. Aw. There’s about one a week, so don’t get too excited.

The single men. The most challenging. Don’t get me wrong- I’ll be damn happy if my very own Prince Charming walks up to the fence to hand me a shiny 3 carat princess diamond. Yeah, sign me up- but it just isn’t that easy. These men range from absolutely repulsive to hot 23 year old half naked college student home for the summer. It’s either light hearted flirtation with a side of compliments- or outright whistling, followed by a request for my number.

With a nice exception yesterday.

I was roasting in the mid-morning sunshine. Spreading newspaper and straw mulch in between the rows to keep the weeds at bay. I’m determined to pull off this garden and work full time, and enjoy the summer with my daughter. I’m trying to cover as many bases as I can to make this as easy as possible. I heard someone at the fence and looked up.

Bald.

I laugh at myself because it’s the first thing I notice and acknowledge it silently in my head. I start walking over, smiling and melting at the same time.

Cute.

He’s cute, cute. I think I’ve seen him somewhere before. I’m not sure. Damn cute though- granted his shiny head is only helping him with me. What a weakness… good Lord.

C- Hey, this is quite a garden you have here. Is it a city project?

J- Nope, just mine.

C- Well it’s beautiful and I love the round paths, it’s very feminine.

J- I suppose that happens when there’s not a man demanding straight rows? I like it curvy.

C- It looks that way. Here’s my card, I just moved to town and I’d love to help sometime if you want. I’d like to know what makes an anti-farmer start farming.

J- An anti-farmer?

C- Clearly you’re a girlie girl, but with tattoos and 8 times an average vegetable garden?

J- Pretty much.

C- Call me if you want, I want to know more.

He smiled and jogged off and I laughed…

Perhaps I should make a poster and announce it to the masses. I’m not dating… which is precisely when they all come flying at you. I’m too happy not dating, though I’m definitely wound tightly. My life is a douche bag free zone. It’s complication free, stress free and happy. My biggest concern is a slug eating my cucumber plants. I have a new job I’m really excited about.

I have time with my daughter and my garden is going in quicker than ever before this year. I’m moving my own mountains, instead of wasting time getting my feelings hurt. I crave bad habits like everybody- but I’m finally at a point that the cost is too high for me to consider. I know that I can’t have what I really want in my life if I’m wasting time doing what I know doesn’t work.

Tempting… oh so tempting… but no.

I have tomatoes to plant. A fence to rebuild (ugh…) a yard sale to put together, a new job, etc… I don’t have time for a potential douche bag- so as sweet as they all are- and as easy as it is in the garden.

I’m throwing the number away. Sigh.

I know myself too well…. and he’s gonna look better and better while I’m doing that fence.

Learning Faith

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I got the job I really wanted today. With my unemployment not even projected to arrive for another 4-5 weeks? I am so thankful I actually clapped my hands when she told me.

I’ll be working with a lot of people I already love and respect in a much more mature atmosphere. I’ll no longer be the oldest server. I like both of the people who hired me enough to invite them to dinner.

… and they’re normal and professional enough to accept. The atmosphere at my last job was very different. I never would have thought to invite either of my bosses to dinner because they work overtime to keep themselves separate from the staff. A very us vs. them sort of feeling.

She even invited me to a party for the staff. She’s openly friendly and I feel my soul exhale. I’m so excited. I got it. I applied for the one I wanted most, first… and I’ll be working there from now on.

Amen… and thank God.

I drove home slowly enough to annoy the other drivers on the road, beaming; and really truly believing in myself again. I’ve been reciting the Desiderata in my head for two weeks, reminding myself constantly that many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. I’ve spent time with my friends, I’ve reconnected with my mama and I’ve remembered who I really and truly am.

I’ve washed my hands of a nightmare only to wake up in my very own dream coming true.

A job better suited to me and where and who I want to be. A clear view of the real friends in my life. A solid view of myself as a single unit only to realize how much happiness there can be found in enjoying your own company without worrying about it always just being you, yourself, and well… you. I’m a helluva lot of fun. It’s ok if it’s always just me.

I don’t mind dancing alone.

I put the pathways into my garden. I planted potatoes and onions. I danced around the rows and sang at the top of my lungs to the amusement of the passersby. I let myself really celebrate my own victory because it’s been a damn scary two weeks and I. Am. So. Excited.

My best friend called and we had to scream on the phone for a while.

Learning to have faith has been difficult for me. I’ve faced a ridiculous amount of challenges in the last year and I’ve let myself drown in anger and fear too many times to count. I’d lost sight of the fact that a little faith goes a long way… and a lot of faith moves mountains.

What a fanfreakin-tastic day.

Mommy

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When it comes to nicknames, I have many.

Lady, Blondie, Tits McGhee, Jen-Dog, The J Train, Blogoddess, and well… Hateful bitch.

They all have a time and a place, but one word reminds me of who I really am. One is timeless and puts an instant smile on my face.

Mommy.

I still call my own mother, “Mommy” once in a while. She smiles too.

It’s that tender plea for love from the woman responsible for your knowing how valuable love is.

She from whence you came. She who taught you everything you needed to know to make your life as happy as she hopes it will be from the moment she knew you were destined to be her baby.

My mother is truly the finest woman I know, and she armed me to the teeth with skills. We had the best conversation yesterday.

M- Honey, maybe I made it hard for you to have a man in your life. I worry about that.

J- What? Are you crazy?

M- We were always so happy and if we needed anything, we figured out how to do, get or be- on our own. I taught you to rely on yourself and I want you to be able to ask for help too. I want you to be taken care of too.

J- That’s the beauty of it Mommy- you taught me to take care of the little details so that the man in my life will have to be so much more than a oil changing, hammer toting chore factory.

My mother taught me an an early age, how very valuable I am.

He has to be funny because I learned to be funny as a kid. He has to work hard, because I was raised by the hardest worker I’ve ever seen. He has to adore me, because I grew up with love spilling out everywhere around us. He can’t buy my love- because I learned at an early age that love is given freely and without expectation. He can’t lie- because I was taught to tell the truth.

M- I know it’s been a hard month. I’m really proud of you for standing up for yourself and I’m SO proud to be your mom. You’re so talented and I am so proud that you didn’t give in to a bunch of bullies. You had enough faith in yourself to raise your head and walk out with a smile on your face with the weight of the world on your shoulders. I didn’t like what that job was doing to you and you are a different person being away from it. It’s all over your beautiful face. I am so proud of you, I’m so happy for you, and I love you so much.

Yep. There she is. My mommy. Saying all the things I need to hear in my hour of panicked need, while I was second guessing myself and eying the jar of change in my bedroom, wondering about yard sales, bills that are piling up and a refrigerator that’s emptying.

Coming in from the garden and finding a bag of groceries on the counter. All my favorite things- and a note that says “I love you, Mom”

I sat down and looked at the brown paper bag full of love from my mommy. Organic everything- because she’s like that. The Greek yogurt that tastes better than ice cream. The love she gives is love that answers the needs in your heart and silences the worries in your mind. There were lettuce, carrot & beet seeds in the bottom.

She who knows you so well she can anticipate the desires you don’t express.

I went back out and planted until dark with an ice cold beer and a handful of carrots… a smile on my face where I’d previously been worried. Knowing, yet again, and because of her- that everything will be ok.

My entire body hurts and the garden is kicking my ass just as it always does in the early phases. It’s a giant flower this year- why not? I fell asleep watching a movie with my little red, knowing it was all going to be ok, no matter what.

Only to wake up to the finest example I can imagine.

I rolled over to see my little angel standing there, with a huge grin on her face, holding a bag. I shook my head and cleared my throat, rubbed my eyes and eased my aching body up to sit in bed and see what this little sweetheart was holding.

R- Happy Mother’s Day. Don’t be mad- I went to the gas station and got you something, but I was totally safe. I wore my helmet and I made sure all the cars stopped before I crossed the road.

I peek in the bag and it’s all my favorite things. Diet Pepsi. A blueberry muffin. Sunflower seeds. Reese’s Peanut Butter cups.

The look on her face was priceless. She was waiting with baited breath for my reaction. So excited and so hopeful that she’d succeeded in her early morning quest. I may have made a trillion mistakes, but I did something right with this amazing child.

I started to cry and she started to laugh.

R- I love you so much mom. Happy Mother’s Day.

It’s a hard day. I probably wont hear from my darling son who despises me. I’ve been really sad about it, but at this point I have nothing else to do but respect that he wants to be distant. I gave him life and all the tools he needs to make it happy. I gave him years of homemade Halloween costumes and lessons in the kitchen. I miss him constantly- but I’m human and need respect too. Love isn’t conditional in my life so if I have to love him from a distance- so be it. I spent two years being estranged from my mom and they were the longest two years of my life.

Everybody needs their mommy. Even me. Even you. Especially him. I’m sad for him that he’s chosen otherwise, but at the end of the day- I’m still his mom. I still worry. I still lie awake at night and hope he’s warm and fed and safe. I always will.

Life is short and time is fleeting. Call your mom and tell her you love her…. and mean it. You never know when you might not have her anymore and when the whole world goes out?

Mom is always right there, standing with her arms outstretched and waiting to remind you of who you really are.

Happy Mothers Day to everyone, whether you have human babies or fur babies or a mom like mine. It’s a wonderful opportunity to be thankful.

♥