I’ve never had a guest blogger before… but this week calls for a few exceptions. I’m posting letters to Nathan, in honor of his birthday, tomorrow, from the women he’s had the nerve to hurt.

I’m going to have a damn hard time comparing to this one. Pop some corn. Put up your feet and…

ENJOY!!!!  This is delicious reading… Mrs. First… you have outdone yourself.

♥ – ♥ – ♥

Dear Nathan:

Lucky me, I can’t say that you ruined my life. But you sure as hell f***ed up a large enough portion of it that thinking about you still makes me sick.

Where to begin?! Well, I guess I should begin with the fact that I’m a nice girl. I was raised in a nice family, by nice parents who didn’t mess me up or make me crazy. I have nice friends. I have class, manners, and style – something you always told me you loved about me. I love books, classical music, art, food, wine, beautiful clothes. I dated nice boys before you, boys who sincerely loved and cared about me, boys that are still my friends today. They can’t believe what a douchebag you turned out to be. I’m pretty sure that given the opportunity, they would happily band together to wipe you off the face of the planet.

I loved you more than you loved me from the very beginning. Being a “nice” girl, my dream was to get married, to have a family, to have a doting husband who loved me more than anything in the world. I dreamed of aprons, babies, and pearls. When you walked in to my life, you promised me all of those things and more. I ate it up, I believed you, I fell for you. Hook, line, and sinker.

You introduced me to your parents. You brought me little gifts. You took me out for fabulous dinners. You “celebrated” every day that we were together, just because. You were among the best boyfriends I’ve ever had… for a few weeks. Then, it started happening, a little at a time. Little ugly nagging flags, popping up at every turn in the road.

Other people warned me about you – including your ex – but I gallantly defended you, indignant over the mistreatment you convinced me you’d received.

You slept with other women from the beginning, while telling me I was your one and only forever. You flirted with other women in front of me. I knew you were a cheater, even though I wanted desperately to believe your crazy stories about needy friends, long lost cousins, and little sisters. You disappeared for days at a time, and I would go sleepless for days – crying, calling police stations and hospitals looking for you. You hid your phone, your life, your lies. You gave me jewelry and compliments, preyed on my vulnerability, my innocence, and my love for you. You stole the beautiful and exquisite ability I once possessed to give of myself joyfully and freely, and my ability to trust others – sadly, that part of me is gone forever..

If I put in writing all of the times you lied to me, I would have to kill a forest of trees in order to acquire enough paper. So I’ll just cut it short and say that by the time you were finished mind-fucking me, I was broken. Yup. Me. An educated, strong, bright, lovely girl – broken by a piece of shit like you. I’m so ashamed that I let you do that to me for so long. I’m so ashamed that I believed every bit of poison out of your mouth. You said that if I left you, I’d be ruined. No one would want me. My family would disown me. My friends would all take your side. That you would destroy my life.

If I recounted all of the sick and perverted things you made me do “because I loved you”, I would hang my head in shame, even through the anonymity of this letter. If I told the truth about what I found on your computer and phone when you finally drove me to madness, two-dollar hookers would blush and squirm in their seats. If I made public all of the horrible things you have said to me, names you have called me, things you have done to me, you would take Casey Anthony’s place as most wanted person in America… and that bitch murdered her kid.

You are the lowest form of human being in the world. You are a classless, alcoholic, nymphomaniac, drug addict, bi-polar freak of nature that deserves to be standing on a corner of the freeway begging for people’s spare change. You know how your mom was a homeless drug addict? How she gave you away because she loved heroin more than she loved you?! How she fell off the face of the planet and probably died in a dumpster with a dirty needle shoved into her arm? Those “genetics” can be a bitch, honey… I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it?

You lie about being a soldier?! You don’t deserve to live in this country. How can you so blatantly disrespect the men and women who are defending your sleazeball right to live in safety and liberty?! Let me give you a short lesson, easy for your small brain – getting Army tattoos and ordering some gear online makes you a psychopath, not a soldier. And puh-leeze. If you’re going to lie, at least make it believable… the last time I checked, military service records were public record. (Oh yeah – and I’m pretty sure there’s a sign at every recruiting office clearly stating that there isn’t room for men who have their head permanently affixed to their assholes in the Ranger program.)

It is only a matter of time before your lies catch up with you. Pretty soon you will have nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. No one defending you. You will look back on all of the perfect women you threw to the curb for exposing you as the liar and cheat that you are, and you’ll wish that you were dead. We were all out of your league from day one.

Lucky you – we will always be lurking behind you, trying to protect other unsuspecting women from your venom. Know what’s funny?! In sequential order, we all tried to protect one another from you. We’ve compared notes, shared stories. Bonded for life over your unbelievable nerve. We’ve learned two things: 1.) you’re pretty damn un-creative, sweetheart…, and 2.) we’re an army. It’s you… against all of us.

Yup. That’s right. We will find a way to let your friends, family, employers, and girlfriends know exactly what a disgusting piece of crap you are.

So start polishing up your arsenal of lies, soldier. You’re officially at war.

….With that being said, keep reading, you snaggletooth asshole. Because I want to tell you what I’ve never had the chance to say to your face….

You didn’t ruin my life. I cried when you were finally gone – cried all the tears of humiliation, anger, hurt, and heartbreak that you’d made me hold in for a thousand days. Those friends you said would take your side?! They all rallied around me, wiping my tears, throwing darts at your picture, and lovingly picking up the pieces of my life.

And guess what? After you, I got a great job. I got a killer education. I got a boyfriend that I fell in love with for being honest, loving, and true. I got a new life, a new start. I got everything.

Thanks. It’s the best gift anyone’s ever given me – and it wasn’t even my birthday.

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
You smell like a weasel,
Now everyone knows you’re one, too.

Happy birthday, Mr. Perfectpants – From me to you.

Love,
x.