Tag Archives: Boyfriend

FML

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Ever seen FML? It’s definitely required web reading.

Fuck My Life.

The same thought that came to mind this morning when I got a text message from Mr. Boyfriend.

R- Ohjenni.com U didn’t want me to see your blog I found it. I was trying to have a relationship with u. What kinda person r u? Wtf. I guess nice guys finish last

Holy fucking Christ on the Cross. Worst case scenario- my age old tactic of ignoring them has backfired. I’m not sure how he found it, but he did <everybody wave hello!> and was busy reading all day according to the stat spike today.

I got the text message in the middle of the lunch rush at work and was absolutely horrified. All I can feel is my phone going off in my pocket. My boss says

A- Get your head in the game, if you need me to text him, I will.

J- No, I’m sure if he’s still reading it will stop at some point.

No. He still wants to date me. Wtf? I’d be pissed off- that’s for sure- and frankly?

I can’t date someone who reads my blog. It doesn’t work. I can’t worry about what someones feelings are going to be in response to something I write… and I worry about that sort of thing. Beyond that? I’ve asked him for a few things and he hasn’t listened to any of them. I’m beyond frustrated that he’s reading my blog now. Damn it… it’s the ultimate violation considering I specifically asked him not to read it.

Deal breaker.

FML.

R we done?

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I’ve handled Mr. Boyfriend in my favorite way. Total and complete silence. No habla girlfriend. I don’t just ignore them, I disappear entirely. I don’t answer phone calls, text messages, emails… nothing.

Piss me off or annoy me, and you’ll be wondering if I moved away in the middle of the night. It’s just my way. It’s how I roll…. and I’ve been in fine form this weekend.

Mr. Boyfriend is extremely frustrated, and I respect that- but I’ve been working all weekend, and I’m exhausted. I fill my very full life with the things I love or enjoy, and he is not one of them right now.

With the glorious text messages from Smarty and Sinful kisses I’ve begun to wonder what I was thinking in the first place. It turns out I really don’t want a boyfriend. Not in the slightest. All these months of wanting one really caught up with me quickly. What the fuck was I thinking?

At any rate- I flirted shamelessly with the Shark last night and if I learned anything… it’s that I’d rather drown in shark infested water than call my Boyfriend back. Not a good sign. Not at all. I want the guy that makes me smile and say…

J- Shark? What Shark? Shark who?

That guy.

So I got up this morning, made myself a delicious bunch of baby fingerling potatoes, mushrooms, shallots, etc. Happy cooking, something that happens when I know I’ve finally turned the page. I ran for a few miles listening to music that makes me want to climb in bed with the right man and took a long hot shower. Singing along and laughing to myself.

and a text message came rolling in. Something that always puts a smile on my face these days. Ugh. Boyfriend. Double UGH. I wanted it to be from Smarty.

R- R we done?

Tempting…. so so so tempting. I’ve heard of people that have broken up with someone via text message… surely I could be an asshole for once? Take the easy route? Text him back a little fucked up English of my own.

J- What was ur first clue?

Smart and Well Packaged

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Mr. Smarty is smarter than me… – even his text messages are like visual foreplay. Correct spelling… punctuation even… AND….big words.

Be still my heart.

My phone rings and it’s him…and my heart is pounding in my ears. Aahhh there it is… the normal response to a new exciting relationship. The fabulous stuff Mr. Boyfriend smothered in a matter of days. I’m excited… and nervous.

J- Hiiiii…what a nice surprise.

S- You’re not surprised, you said it yourself. I’m smart.

I want a smart one…. so shoot me. I get a text message from Mr. Boyfriend in the middle of my conversation with Smarty…

R- Hi. How was ur day. Do u feel any better. I am off work so I am doing good :)

Good grief. I resist the urge to ask him what type of good he’s doing- knowing he wont get it and it’ll just invite him to call me. Ugh. Everything he does bothers me at this point.

Mr. Smarty is talking to me about his upcoming weekend business trip to wine country for golfing and hanging out with the guys. He’s articulate. He wears a shirt & tie every day. Now we’re talking. That’s an age-old weakness of mine. Even my Ken doll wore a shirt and tie when I was a little girl. Men are more attractive when they’re correctly packaged. I love mine packaged in business wear.

Sorry Mr. Boyfriend… the smarter guy always wins with me.

and a necktie is impossible to beat.

Have mercy.

Running Scared

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My conversation with Mr. Boyfriend yesterday has me avoiding him. Working overtime to keep him away. Not calling, not texting, not responding. Letting my voice mail fill up so he can’t leave me a message. I know in the moment what I’m doing, and I know it’s only making things worse…. but the last time I talked to him, he had too much to say.

R- I have something serious I want to talk to you about, so I want to sit down and talk to you the next time I see you.

J- About what?

…my mind races at this point. I’m terrified and curious but mainly… I’m just annoyed.

R- It’s really good, I just want you to know that we have something really good to talk about soon.

J- Oh… Well tell me, I don’t like that sort of thing.

R- Yeah you will, it’s good news.

Oh holy fuck storm… he cannot be serious. My conversation with him is painful after that…

R- I miss my beautiful girlfriend. I like being with you so much, and you’re amazing. Mmm Hmmm!

J- Um, thanks. I had a good day with you yesterday.

R- and I can’t wait to see you again, and kiss you! Mm Hm!

J- Thanks- how was your day.

R- Same old work, I just thought about you all day. I miss you sweetheart. Mm Hmm!

See? Do you see what I mean? The constant barrage of compliments is fucking annoying. The worst part is that I know he’s serious. I know he thinks I’m somehow excited to hear it so much. I know he’s an amazing boyfriend and would be the absolute best husband ever…but he’d be my doormat if he constantly did this. It would drive me crazy and I would punish him for it one way or another.

I sort of have to break up with him because he’s falling in love with me hard & fast. He actually posted this on his Facebook wall today:

Maybe I should “Like” it. Sorry… that was mean, but the poor guy should have been a little more careful.

I’m already feeling too important to him- which only sets my feet in motion. He’s too much- way too soon. Talking marriage & babies and bringing me religious gifts from his mom. I’m overwhelmed in a very big way. I’ve told him twice- and it hasn’t helped.

WTF.

TOO much.

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So much for my little conversation with Mr. Boyfriend. It didn’t seem to register.

Ok that’s not entirely fair… he doesn’t call me all day anymore… but he definitely expects to talk to me every night. Something I’m not keen on. I hate talking on the phone. Hate it. If I could direct every call (except a few) to voice mail… I would. Actually if I could skip voice mail entirely and make everyone text me- I would. Quick and easy- and easy to fit into my insanely busy schedule.

It’s nothing personal… but I can’t stand burning hours in my day talking on the phone. Hours are priceless, and frankly- minutes are at a premium too. Working 2 full time jobs means I don’t get much sleep- my house is a mess and I have acres of laundry to do. I waited tables all day while the kids were at school- then rushed home to try to beat the school bus. I missed it by 20 minutes… damn.  I got all the dishes done last night by 10- along with at least 7 loads of laundry that I’m STILL folding. Somewhere in there I had to fit in being a mom- dealing with the water leak in the yard and processing another 30 pounds of tomatoes for salsa. I’m fucking exhausted- and all I really wanted was to pour myself a vodka & soda- sit down at my computer and write for a little bit.

Unfortunately I have a boyfriend… and my phone will not stop buzzing. He misses me… he wants me… he CAN’T WAIT to talk to me. Fuck.

I figure we just had “The Talk” and he said he understood. Right? Yeah… sure…

J- 10:20 – I’m in Mom-ville, and I still have more to get done- I’ll call you tomorrow. XO

R- 10:40 – Can you call me?

J- 11:20 – I can’t- I’ll talk to you tomorrow- get to sleep :)

R- 2:25 am – Why can’t you call and talk to me?

J- 5:30 am – Were you really up at 2 texting me? Asking me why I couldn’t call you?

R- 5:35 – Don’t be mad. I just wanted to know why you couldn’t talk to me after you got everything done. I really wanted to talk to you- that’s all. I missed you.

J- I already told you there would be days I couldn’t.

R- Jenni I’m new again to dating and dating a mom. I’m sorry for texting you so late- just wanted to make sure all of you are alright.

J- You need to relax.

R- Ok. Are you mad at me? Please don’t be mad at me Jenni.

Fuck. I hate overly attentive men more than anything. Whiny annoying boys who need me are the biggest turn off, second only to the men who cry in front of me. Not only am I pissed off he woke me up at 2:30 with his whiny text message, I’m annoyed that now I have to negotiate the “Are you mad at me?” bullshit. Saying what I really want to say? Will only make things worse.

“Yes- I am fucking mad- now be a good boy and go away so I can miss you for a second, for Christ’s sake. What the hell was the point of that conversation if you’re still going to sweat me. Listen to me- or your days are numbered.”

Why is it??? Someone please explain to me why the one I want doesn’t call… and the one that can’t get enough me… turns me off. I must be a closet masochist. Mr. Boyfriend is so nice- and so sweet. Thoughtful and all that crap. Naughty enough to hold my attention… but if he doesn’t stop with the onslaught of attention- I’m going to start avoiding him. My girlfriend thinks I’m crazy.

S- You’re as bad as a guy. I sit around waiting for my boyfriend to call. Trying to keep my mind on something else, fighting the urge to send that exact same text message that you got.

J- Fight the good fight, it will NOT help you if you send it. I call when I want to- and that is verrrrrrrrry rarely. I hate the phone. I’d love to get rid of it and go back to the glorious old days of land-line unavailability. Ahhh. Leave-a-message-after-the-beep goodness.

Less is more, fellas… the more time I have to think about you (without your voice in my ears) the more I’m intrigued. Inspire me to miss you- or at least want to see you or talk to you. Hound me and you’ll go insane waiting for me to call you back. Something he doesn’t realize… because the messages just keep rolling in…

R- Hi- I get my break at 9, can I call you? Is everything ok with the children? I hope all is good :)

FML.

J- Everything is FINE. I have a lot going on and you need to give me the space I need to get it done without freaking out. Seriously.

R- Ok. I hear you. Can I call you on my break?

J- I don’t have time this morning, I work in 2 hours and I have a million things to get done before then…

R- Have a good day at work. Call me when you want to talk to me.

Careful what you say… and don’t hold your breath…