Tag Archives: Creeper

Happy Bait

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My internet thing has one more day that I can’t disable it… and I got this:

Oh Beautiful Farmer:

We exchanged messages awhile back (at least I remember writing to you, I don’t know if you responded; checked out my ad, at least). Just wanted to drop a line and ask you to marry me again. Well, ask again, not marry me again. But you probably knew that.

Teasing aside, I am reminded all over again why I was smitten enough to write you before. I generally avoid pestering younger women, but every now and then one happens along who really does, in fact, make me wish I were younger. (Of course I wish that anyway, some of the time; but mostly I’m happy with who/where I am in life, which is ironic because when I was age-appropriate for someone like you, I was a mess. Dang. Hate it when that happens….)

For what it’s worth, my mom was 19 years younger than my dad. She had red hair and green eyes, too. :)
Best wishes in your search. Should you be willing to consider having an old guy as a friend, he would most likely be honored to hear it.

Love, Greg

Ok… all joking aside… my dad’s name is Greg and its totally and completely off the table. Not that his scary beard helped either. Eeek. Never. No WAY. Not EVER.

I don’t know if you could actually be friends with someone you met during some misguided online dating stint. I have the crazy Internet guy who’s stalking trivia now too… He looked at me last night and said:

DB- When he ordered his beer you gave him a smoky hot look… with those eyes- can you at least fake it when I order too.

WTF do you say to that. My co-worker snorted, laughed and walked away shaking her head.

J- I have a crush on him, sorry- no offense :)

DB- Fine- I see how it is- That’s great- Fine!

Hell. I need to learn to lie effectively…. but I get home last night to two emails….

DB- Id like to see you when you’re not working. yes?

and his phone number.

Um…

No.

I’m a smitten kitten… and I’d rather sit around by myself waiting for My Favorite than lead someone on. I’m bored… hell yeah- but I’ve seen the promised land and I’d rather ignore all of them and spend my evenings knitting & wanting him than waste time with anyone else.

Uh oh.

Fighting off the crazies.

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After my date last night, I’ve lost my sense of humor in regards to this online dating adventure.

I check my email this morning and have a whole bunch of new lunatics. Frankly… I’ve had it.

1. Hi

I just wanted to say, “hi” again and see if you were open to doing some more talking or meeting up for lunch or some sort of healthy activity?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kurt

This 48 year old lives in Eastern Montana and has emailed me at least a dozen times. I’ve never responded.

He’s not so lucky today.

Kurt,

More talking? You’ve emailed me at least a dozen times, with no response. That’s not talking. You are 15 years older than me- and appear to have experienced hiking equipment. I wear heels and hate hiking. We are not a match. Quit emailing me.

J

2. I love cake

Sorry I don’t have a picture theres a reason. If you want to see one you can go to my facebook Billy **** Now that you have that to look at and put a face with me. Maybe you like maybe you don’t. Anyway you have my name, I’m 6’1″ 240lb fit. I have 3 girls 7,6,4 that come first in my life. Well I leave it at that. Talk later.

Billy

Seems harmless, right? Well 3 girls could be deadly… but the real lunatic factor? The guy sent 4 more emails, 1 every hour asking me why I hadn’t responded. The last one telling me that he knew girls like me just thought we were too good for guys like him. Fun fun- this guy played his crazy card right away.

3.Always clean shaven?

So, if we were out camping for a few days, I would have to shave every day? Hmmmm, I no longer have the goatee as seen in the pics, so I look like a little kid now, but I kinda like some whiskers now and then, are you that strong about it??
I’m a very good dancer, love live music, as far as kissing goes, I’m mostly French, so romance is a strong point!

John, the Frenchy ;o)

Another 55 year old from Montana. Jeez. Surely you all understand why I dated my ex for so long now.

Dear Frenchy,

Oh come ON…You’re older than my dad. Who’s that poor patient in the picture with you? I think perhaps my definition of dancing is different than yours… actually I’m sure of it- I’ve seen my dad’s moves…I warn you old men to leave me alone- I don’t like being mean to you.

J

4. Me Likeee

i like that you are independent. i find that very attractive. rare unfortunately. I like that you are busy. I’m busy too. Would like to know more.

Sam

Ohhh my. This makes Herpes Josh look a little less horrifying. Sam is 62…. with a pretty scary mustache… my brother would love this guy.

Sam,

What I like most? A man that can capitalize, spell & even (be still my heart) punctuate. Beyond that, the only way I’d date someone 30 years older than me would be if they were… well… actually… no… I wouldn’t. Not even for a million dollars. Did you read my profile? Or just look at my picture and know that I’d change my mind for the right cowboy?

Bad news, Sam… no dice.

J

One of them instant messaged me….

B- Your a Bitch.

J- Dirty old men have that effect on me- good luck.

B- You dont know till you try

J- Only with a gun to my head. Take care.

Fun times :)

It’s only Monday and we already have pervert of the week!

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Its the first time I’ve gotten an email that demanded instant blogging.

May I introduce…. Vern.

Yur HOTTTT:

I like to ride my bike on long trips camping out along the way with a good woman with her on my bike or hers or even better ON me i like to cook but i am the only one that likes it sometimes i have big house in spakan with 3 BIG bedrooms you jus havent met the right 50 year old jus wait n see growl

I have to take a minute and say, once again, Thank God and All that is Holy that Match.com doesn’t give out your personal address. Seriously. I’d buy a gun tomorrow- and beg someone to teach me how to shoot it. Actually- I’d take Shawn’s advice and buy a shotgun that would definitely take this guy out.

His email is nearly a perfect description of hell on earth, for me.

1. Long trips on a bike… No. Never. I’ll happily kiss my husband goodbye and send him on his merry little way if that’s what he wants to do- but I’m past the point of doing shit I hate to impress the man I love.

2. Camping out along the way… I love to camp. Love it- but I’m a prepared camper. Just because you’re sleeping on the ground does not mean you have to suffer. Who likes to suffer? I want my kids to love camping, not dread it. I take air mattresses, down comforters… and my egyptian cotton sheets. To hell with anyone who would talk smack about my camping in comfort. Something tells me there’s not room for the sheets and air mattresses on the Harley. Not to mention- if you’re ass is stuck on the seat of a motorcycle all day long- shouldn’t you at least be able to look forward to a hotel room? Ugh- yuck.

3. Making a sexual reference in a first email is just nasty. Riding ON him? Suffice it to say- I’d become a man first…and we all know how likely that is. 3 BIG bedrooms… Yuck, gag, yuck. Shiver…

4.He likes to cook but sometimes he’s the only one that likes it… That’s so tempting. Especially for a girl who’s recently come to terms with a cooking fetish… No. I don’t ever want to be the only one in the relationship that can cook, ever again. I’ve officially been ruined for you Kraft Macaroni & Cheese boys. Thank Goodness.

5. The man is 59 years old… There are so many things wrong with him emailing me I don’t even know where to begin.

6. growl…. the man growled at me? Or is that his biker name? Does it really matter? lol

I couldn’t resist. :)

Vern

Generally I don’t take the time to write back to people who decide to boldly ignore what my profile states I’m looking for. But in your case, I decided to make an exception.

First and foremost- you’re nearly 60. I’m 33. It says you have children, and I’d be willing to bet they’re probably my age?  Making gross sexual references in your first email to a woman who could be your daughter’s age is disgusting- and you should really be ashamed of yourself. For both the perv-o email and the fact you can’t seem to capitalize, punctuate or spell the name of the city you live in.

Vern- go take a long hard look in the mirror… then at my picture. How often do you see that couple?

Bad form, Vern, seriously.

-J