Years left… … gulp… … …

sob… … …

My baby is 10. Not yet, mind you… not until 9:34  PM PST. Dammit.

I’d had my life all planned out. We had Alex before we’d expected, then came Isabelle- 5 years later- then #3 in 2005 and finally #4 in 2010. I laughed and said to my ex just the other day- “Damn- I should be due any day! Damn, damn , damn- that’s what you get for counting your chickens- huh?”

We got divorced in  2003. Which threw a huge wrench into #3 & #4, due in ’05 and ’10 respectively.  Sigh… I really would have loved to have had those kids- I really would treasure them in my life today- for what its worth. I’m always amazed that more often than not, I find myself wishing I’d been more careless- more reckless- more irresponsible. I wish I’d been raised devoutly Catholic and had a dozen kids before knowing any better…

I talk to my (nearly) 15 year old son and he says “Mom… don’t worry. I’m the most over-parented kid my age… and the only kid I know who actually talks to their parents. All of my friends smoke pot… and no matter if you know where I am or not- I’m not going to do that. You can trust me. You should trust me.” I can’t help it. I think about all the scary variables with this kid. He was born with a rare eye condition in his right eye and only sees with his left. If I could have wrapped him in bubble wrap the day he was born, I would have. There are days I still wonder if I should have… lol Perhaps it’s best that there are only two of them for me to hover over.

I truly hate birthday week. I wanted just one more- and now I’m 33 and my kids are over half way grown. What a heartache. My ex has the sweetest new baby- and is so nice to share…but tucking my “little” 9, nearly 10 year old in to bed tonight was a little heartbreaking. She’s truly not a baby anymore, and I miss the fiery red haired baby she was… but I couldn’t bear to live my life without the vibrant funny girl she is today. She’s too nice (like me) and she does too much (A’hem) and when she came home today I asked about her cupcakes in class today… and she said:

“It came time to pick helpers to hand out my cupcakes…” she looked at the ground. “Zach was waving his hand around and I decided to pick him because nobody ever picks Zach, and he’d asked me to pick him. He was really nice mom, and I picked Grace too. It was perfect.

Sigh… it’s a wonderful thing to watch them grow into nice compassionate people- even if it’s bittersweet at the moment.