Over My Head

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I’m trying to paddle my way out of the heartache that results from me loving too deeply, too freely and with no regard to the warning signs. I’m ok. I’m sad, frustrated and a little disillusioned. I’m faithful that a few bad apples can’t ruin my belief that it’s still a lovely orchard.

I don’t hurt people and I think that is the ultimate realization I walk away with. My love doesn’t hurt. I don’t make promises I can’t keep and I don’t take being entrusted with someone’s heart, lightly. I’m a safe place to be and I pride myself on being impeccable with my word. It matters to me that I’m a blessing in the lives of the people who make mine happy.

I cannot rage against a man for not respecting me, because ultimately, I feel sorry for him. I’ve put in the time it takes to be an immeasurable blessing in a deserving mans life and I’m worth the same. It’s all in what you expect and what you demand. I’ve learned some hard lessons this summer. Just because he’s your close friend, doesn’t mean he wont fuck & run.

Savage.

I did not see that coming. Clearly I need to date outside of the pool of friends I thought I could prematurely trust.

Maybe trusting less is the lesson, but that’s just not me. I go all in and clean up the aftermath if necessary. If he’s a jerk? That’s on him. I don’t regret either difficult situation. I’m responsible for my choices and the consequences that inevitably follow. Defined by my behavior, not his.

Stranger dates only, from here on out. No habla friend zone. My heart can’t take losing a friend AND my sex life again, simultaneously.

I’m turning the page and have a hot chocolate date set up with a divinely well-spoken pilot. A really good man, making an amazing effort to be respectfully interesting. He’s hot on my tail, pursuing me relentlessly and has impeccable spelling. He wears a tie every day and that’s more motivation than I can shake a stick at. We all have our weaknesses and this is my #1, so when he sent me a picture from his closet this morning and let me pick? I’m awake. He’s on his way out the door to fly to Mexico (swoon) and I’m falling back to sleep when I hear my phone chirp at me again. It’s a picture of him sitting in the cockpit, wearing the tie I chose.

This hot chocolate date just got a lot hotter.

I arm them right away with my favorite vices and sit back to see how well they listen and how motivated they are. Likewise, I make a mental checklist of casually mentioned favorites. I remember how spicy he likes his food, what kind of beer he drinks, his favorite places and colors. I’m no longer that desperate doormat girlfriend with an undying need to please, but if he pays attention and makes an effort to impress me?          I will not be outdone.

Another picture comes chirping in. It’s him with full lights in the cockpit before takeoff, and my phone rings.

AM- Good morning, beautiful girl. Have a nice day & I’ll text you when I land.

Well played, Air Man.

A phoned in “good morning, beautiful” from the damn cockpit of an international flight. Proving my point in the most delicious way. A motivated man moves mountains to put a smile on your face and this man is taking no prisoners.

I’m even considering taking him out in public to my favorite restaurant so Miss Fancy can give him the once over and cast her vote.

This could be serious. This might be a boyfriend.

But first?

Hot chocolate. ♥