I’m smart and nice to a fault. I’m funny, and I’ve never met a stranger. People tell me their life stories, and I’ve gained a lot of wisdom through a lot of hard lessons and my friends trust me enough to come to me for advice.

By all means take my advice, I so seldom use it myself.

I’m learning to stick up for myself because I want my daughter to do the same. I’m living by example again instead of living on the warpath.

I’m happy happy happy… and I express it enough that people comment on it.

But I’m still just a chick…. with the same girlie crap we all experience. Not feeling pretty enough, thin enough or smart enough. Something we all feel at times.

So we paint things, and pluck things, and wax things, and suffer through toxic fumes, heat lamps, wax burns, etc.

Not really paying any attention to whether he cares or not- because ultimately it’s about you- not him. You have to be comfortable. You have to feel beautiful. All the love in the world can’t make a woman feel comfortable in a bikini if she’s not. Trust me on this.

I spent the morning trying on panties and heels. Contemplating a bikini… and again right out of it. Not happening. Maybe by August. I look in the mirror and realize I am white as a ghost. Porcelain white with the blue of my veins standing out. We all look better naked with a tan. Honestly… and I don’t have time in my schedule to use the tanning bed.

!!! Spray tanning. Eureka.

One phone call and I’m in. Shave, exfoliate, no lotion or make-up. Check. This is easy enough.

I really have no idea what to expect. None. All I can think of is the scene in Bride Wars where she climbs into a machine.

Whatever- It’s my only option… and I’m curious.

I walk in and she takes me to a curtained off corner of the salon, tells me to undress and put the shower cap on and she’ll be back. Hell you only live once- why not. Standing in your panties in a beauty salon is definitely bizarre, no matter how you slice it. Greeting this new friend in panties is oddly normal. She laughs and says she hates it when people are awkward if they run into her at the grocery store because she’s seen them naked.

I don’t tell her about the Brazillian I got from a guy in California. I’m still trying to repress that memory.

It’s a series of moves with your arms out, like a half naked robot being airbrushed. It’s not bad. Sort of cold, but if anything… a little strange and it smells like a cross between make-up and vanilla ice cream. Maple syrupy and a little sticky. It settles my nerves a little, and she’s completely professional and hell… this can only help, right?

It’s sticky sweet tan paint spray-painted on…. She goes over your body from the front and back, twice. You stand in front of a fan for a few minutes after she’s finished- sexy robot style so you don’t crease your tan. Chin up, arms at your sides, legs spread. From polar white to golden in minutes.

I step in front of the mirror and I’m shocked. I look like I spent a week in the sun. Whoa. I move the lace edge of my panties and I am beyond ghosty under this new honey brown glow. Niiiiiiiiice. Much better. I can’t touch water for 24 hours and if I scrub with anything it will rub a hole in my paint job…

I’ve morphed into a Barbie brown, my nails look gorgeous and my eyebrow wax is coming up. This taking care of myself for a change is a nice break from burning the candle at both ends.

I had to wait in the car for the rain to stop when I got home  and my fearless friend says “You’re orange AND you smell funny? Put that on the list of things never to do. I told you not to do it.

So did he…….

But my lily white thighs spoke the loudest of all… and everybody looks better with a tan. This whole spray tan thing is the right up there with getting your eyebrows waxed. Instant results, minimal effort & cost… but priceless in the grand scheme of things.

Vanity is pointless… but if being a chick and letting someone airbrush you brown makes you feel better- do it.

I’m sticky… I smell like a cookie and I’m chilly cold in the light weight dress I have on…

But damn it I look good.

Thank you very much, spray tan lady. I’m sold.

I had to stop at the store on my way home and the cashier asked me if I’d just gotten back from Mexico…

Winning!

He could care less if I blind him with my lily white porcelain glow, but thanks to vanity fueled beauty products… his eyesight is safe. It pays to try new things, you never know when you’ll stumble across a miracle like spray tanning!