Whine/Rant

If I wanted a puppyโ€ฆIโ€™d buy one.

It’s the college edition of internet dating. The young ones are out in full force today. Brace yourselves. You can tell school’s out and the boys need something to do… bless their hearts.

Searching

I love Sandpoint and you sound like a cool girl. I don’t fit your age specs but give me a chance?

The guy is 23 years old. Twenty three. Lord Have Mercy. No.

and then I realize… that’s the age difference between my ex and I… and it never bothered me… and why shouldn’t karma make things swing back around in my favor…

No… Sorry- no cradle robbing.

Hello

I love your profile and wondered if you’d make an exception on your age requirements. I just got my Masters in Social Work and I’m very responsible, I swear! I love to garden, and I would love to help you. Friends? Michael

Nowwww we’re talking! Give me one that wants to weed in the garden- I’ll date him. At least until the garden’s weeded…

lol… sorry. I’m kidding. I do have to give the guy credit though- nobody’s offered to help weed yet, I may go on a date with him just because he offered. I just couldn’t take him seriously as a boyfriend- sorry. I don’t know though, he certainly tempted me by offering to help. I’d be worried that I’d completely objectify him… which really wouldn’t be nice. They sure are cute when they’re twenty though- huh?

Farm boy

Im a farmer too. Hows your night?

Good Grief… this cute little farm boy is 21… as in just barely legal drinking age. Yikes. I feel like I should have to apologize to his mom.

Looking for you

A domestic goddess is the key to happiness. When are we going and where? Luke

Helllllllo Luke. Luke is 24… and full of game, lol ๐Ÿ™‚ I should embrace my inner mudshark and date this gorgeous little thing. But I have a soul… and a conscience… and a crush. Bummer.

Football?

You even like football? Your the perfect woman. Lets get married this weekend so I always remember our anniversary. Kevin

Kevin’s seem to like me these days. Gotta love a spontaneous marriage proposal from a 25 year old cutie. Don’t like the Seahawks though Kev- sorry.

Dance

Busy friday? I wanna take ur hot ass dancin. Steven

Oh goodie- finally one that fits my stereotype. Sad thing is… he’s 27. Older than the younger boys… and still just… Young. Tempting though- it’s been a long time since I dated someone who could dance. Like… forever.

Funny huh? They’re all so cute- and so… twenty-something. Hmmm…

The creepy thing?

My profile has been viewed 3,487 times.

eeeek.

Love

I must have โ€œBreederโ€ tattooed on my face somewhere.

I’m beginning to wonder.

Sigh.

I have a date Friday… with Rick… handpicked by me… and my shark.

If there were ever a bigger sign you need to get over him… it’s his choosing who will be replacing him, right?

Then I get another email…

Hey baby,

I have a big city mentality. I think more of the big picture as opposed to the week. Having a nice home I own and a running vehicle is more important to me than having a toy for each season and a vehicle worth more than the place I live in.

I love nice shoes but wearing them in Idaho is not much of an option. I am not one to think like a lot of girls I have met. I can’t see someone saying I want marriage and kids by the end of the year. The white picket fence, kids, and marriage at 18 years old is not attractive to me. It is now and that’s what I’m looking for in a woman. Do you want to have more kids?

I also just remembered that Fathers Day is Sunday so my dad and I will go out for dinner probably Monday. Where do you want to go Friday?

Rick

Dammit. All I can think of saying back to him is:

“Shhhhhh….. Don’t talk… I liked you so much more before you said anything” but somehow I think that could make my date on Friday a little awkward.

Let me be painfully honest.

I would love to have a delightfully scrumptious baby with the man of my dreams. You know the guy? The one that gets up in the middle of the night? The one that helps the other kids with homework because you’re nursing a baby and making dinner and canning salsa… etc…

But he doesn’t exist… unless you’re a whiny demanding bitch that wants to pass the baby off…

and that’s just not me. I’m good old fashioned territorial. If I grow it- it’s mine- and I’m not leaving it…

I’ve begun to believe I have this tattooed somewhere… because if I had a quarter for every man that emailed me asking me if I wanted to have his babies… I’d be able to maintain this fabulous single life forever…

and not wearing good shoes in Idaho…. Hmph. Makes me want to cancel.

and incidentally… I had the whole white picket fence thing… at 18…sooooooo

Rick,

Ok… You cannot call me baby yet…and in all fairness- if you met a woman who told you she wanted to be married & pregnant by the end of the year, wouldn’t it scare the hell out of you? I had the picket fence at 18- and while I wouldn’t trade a minute of it, it’d definitely be easier and perhaps more… treasured… the second time around. Hopefully we all learn to value the important things more the older we get, right? I spent the last 7 years with a non-committal guy… so I sort of gave up on my second white picket fence.

I don’t know Coeur d’ Alene very well- do you have a favorite place to go?

xo Jenni

I want shark.

Internet Dating, Whine/Rant

Itโ€™s only Monday and we already have pervert of the week!

Its the first time I’ve gotten an email that demanded instant blogging.

May I introduce…. Vern.

Yur HOTTTT:

I like to ride my bike on long trips camping out along the way with a good woman with her on my bike or hers or even better ON me i like to cook but i am the only one that likes it sometimes i have big house in spakan with 3 BIG bedrooms you jus havent met the right 50 year old jus wait n see growl

I have to take a minute and say, once again, Thank God and All that is Holy that Match.com doesn’t give out your personal address. Seriously. I’d buy a gun tomorrow- and beg someone to teach me how to shoot it. Actually- I’d take Shawn’s advice and buy a shotgun that would definitely take this guy out.

His email is nearly a perfect description of hell on earth, for me.

1. Long trips on a bike… No. Never. I’ll happily kiss my husband goodbye and send him on his merry little way if that’s what he wants to do- but I’m past the point of doing shit I hate to impress the man I love.

2. Camping out along the way… I love to camp. Love it- but I’m a prepared camper. Just because you’re sleeping on the ground does not mean you have to suffer. Who likes to suffer? I want my kids to love camping, not dread it. I take air mattresses, down comforters… and my egyptian cotton sheets. To hell with anyone who would talk smack about my camping in comfort. Something tells me there’s not room for the sheets and air mattresses on the Harley. Not to mention- if you’re ass is stuck on the seat of a motorcycle all day long- shouldn’t you at least be able to look forward to a hotel room? Ugh- yuck.

3. Making a sexual reference in a first email is just nasty. Riding ON him? Suffice it to say- I’d become a man first…and we all know how likely that is. 3 BIG bedrooms… Yuck, gag, yuck. Shiver…

4.He likes to cook but sometimes he’s the only one that likes it… That’s so tempting. Especially for a girl who’s recently come to terms with a cooking fetish… No. I don’t ever want to be the only one in the relationship that can cook, ever again. I’ve officially been ruined for you Kraft Macaroni & Cheese boys. Thank Goodness.

5. The man is 59 years old… There are so many things wrong with him emailing me I don’t even know where to begin.

6. growl…. the man growled at me? Or is that his biker name? Does it really matter? lol

I couldn’t resist. ๐Ÿ™‚

Vern

Generally I don’t take the time to write back to people who decide to boldly ignore what my profile states I’m looking for. But in your case, I decided to make an exception.

First and foremost- you’re nearly 60. I’m 33. It says you have children, and I’d be willing to bet they’re probably my age?ย  Making gross sexual references in your first email to a woman who could be your daughter’s age is disgusting- and you should really be ashamed of yourself. For both the perv-o email and the fact you can’t seem to capitalize, punctuate or spell the name of the city you live in.

Vern- go take a long hard look in the mirror… then at my picture. How often do you see that couple?

Bad form, Vern, seriously.

-J

Internet Dating, Love

Blame Canada…

Internet dating has taught me one thing that has held true the whole time.

They’re hiding a ton of hot men in Canada. In fact- an overwhelming majority of the emails I’ve gotten from beautiful men… have been Canadian.

There have been enough of them lately that I have to prove my theory a little and share. Keep in mind Hot does not equal normal, but if I posted a list of the scary ones, it’d just be mean. ๐Ÿ™‚

1. Meet Jason…

Jason is an international businessman and competitive cyclist. He’s 39 years old, and is a single dad. Speaks 4 languages and owns a tractor (sigh).Nice arms- pretty smile… which gets me every time. My mom will even say to me now “OH! He has nice teeth!”ย  when she’s describing someone to me that she thinks I should meet. I’ve gotten far too easy, lol ๐Ÿ™‚

Ginger,

Who’s responsible for keeping you in that small town? I’m based in Toronto. I own my own business and travel quite often. Spend a lot of time in NYC….I love it out there. Been divorced for 8 years and get along with my EX great. Do you have a passport?

Jason

I love me some Jason- but Canada is freaking cold- has more snow than we do- and so does NYC. I should be man shopping in Hawaii. ๐Ÿ™‚

2. Meet Dreamman (his choosing, not mine)

Dreamy is 42, an electrical engineer and a single dad with 3 boys. Speaks 2 languages, loves to dance & vacation in all the same places I do. And he can cook ๐Ÿ™‚

Hello,

I would love to be in Idaho right now… Dating you would be awesome… You are someone I would get along with and have an awesome time with… Let keep chatting you never know what life may bring us… TOO HOT.. Email me

Again, a hot black man emails me and doesn’t give me his name. Go figure. TOO HOT is a little TOO MUCH but ah well- there’s a serious beautiful black man shortage in my neck of the woods.

3. Meet Henry, who kind of reminds me of Brett Favre… ๐Ÿ™‚

Henry is 45… a single dad of a 5 year old little girl, and a college football coach ๐Ÿ™‚ (I love college football, how fun would that be? lol, sorry, shallow moment) Any dad that takes the time to erase his kid from a picture he puts on his profile, is a cool guy in my book. He loves to surf & golf- two things I want to learn.

Hey there,

Any chance I can talk u into more babies? How’s that for a pickup?ย  Im at least a thousand miles away from you, wanna move? I always wanted to marry a country girl.

Henry/Hank

Yikers- how ’bout give me a minute to say Hi back. Sheesh. “Move here now let’s get PREGNANT!” Um…tempting, but no.

It’ always reminds me of a high desperation meat market. One where you learn FAR too much about your date before you meet them in person.

I don’t know if I can never want to go on another one of these stranger dates…

Internet Dating

The clincher.

This crush on Mr. Flintstone has me preoccupied… so I’ve decided this whole internet dating fiasco is pointless. I’d rather be happily single than consider pathetic replacements.ย  Dammit…ignorance IS bliss. ๐Ÿ™‚

I can’t imagine what I was ever thinking… accepting so little, for 7 years. I’m delighted because I remember that it can beย  really really good. Better than I imagined. ๐Ÿ™‚

If I’ve learned one thing from internet dating, it’s that being alone is really pretty fun. Hanging out with a weirdo is just awful, no matter what. When you consider the two, I’d rather dance alone naked to Madonna in my living room… than be spoiled rotten by a lame guy. I want an amazing man. Someone funny, & cute…with big feet. Thoughtful… with a nasty imagination. The man who ruins a brand of cologne for me… because I can’t ever smell it again without thinking about him. That guy.

Not exactly what you see on Match.com… huh? So… I’m done. I went in to close the whole thing out today, and had another email…

Oh Miss Cupcake Beautie,

Please write too me lol. Are you nervous? I been tryin to think what to say about going out. I hope you don’t think i’m lame but got a dui back in nov. I got my license back n everything but my punishment is 60 days of electronic home monitoring. Means I can’t really go anywhere but takin kids to school n grocery shoppin n stuff. I have a little gps bracelet on my ankle that tracks me for another 4 weeks ugh. You probaly think i’m a loser now n won’t ever talk to me again lol but am honest to a fault. Just made a bad choice to drive home from a friends bday party. I haven’t even drank in 5 weeks now not sure if I will again am pretty happy n real healthy just taking care of kids when I have them n home life. Wow i’m writin a book sorry lol. Anyway I have nice home n am very good cook if you wanted to meet me here. Otherwise we’ll have to wait a few weeks if you think you can lol. I’ll give you my phone n email if you’d rather talk that way or if not thats ok too.ย  Hope to hear from you soon n tell me what you think of whole thing k? TTYS. Steven

I’d cry if I wasn’t laughing so hard. Just when you need it the most, God sends you confirmation that you’re making the right choice. Who the hell gets on the internet to date when they’re on house arrest?ย  I give the guy points for being honest… but where do you go from there? Yeah… I’ll be the idiot who goes to the home of a stranger I met on the internet for our first date, because he can’t leave due to his “electronic monitoring device”.

I’ve officially heard it all… and seen it all… and consequently…

I want it all. None of which is at Steven’s house. ๐Ÿ™‚